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i miss my angel sooo much


chrissy36

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:(    i miss my boy sooo much,i lost him to heart disease at the age of 4 and a half in 1996,he would be 17 this year,it makes my head hurt how much i miss him,i want him back:(i have a 9 year old daughter but she is the opposite of what he was,i think of him every day,say goodnight every night,i cant feel him near me...why?everyone else feels theyre loved ones who have passed near them...why cant i?i try 2 imagine what he would look like but the flashbacks of that horrible day come back then my body goes heavy and im in a mood,i cant help it,i feel im moaning at my daughter constantly

this cant be normal 13 abd a half years on

can it??????

chrissy:(

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first of all i am so sorry , i lost my mom Jerri in the picture on the top left in june of last year it seems like just 1 month ago maybe not even that long..

it has taken me awhile to be able to feel my mom also.. i think i was so much grief stricken that i didnt know what to look for or feel for..

sometimes i feel her for a just a sec i cant explain it but i do.. sometimes i hear her thoughts, like for example she always had a great sense of humor and laughed a lot when she was well. sometimes i will just be looking at something funny and i will hear a thought from her 

 i cant explain but its there... i guess part of it was knowing her so well that we knew each others thoughs a lot.. like we would both see something funny and both have to laugh at the same time etc..

sometimes when i am thinking of funny things we saw and laughed at i will hear her in my heart so to speak saying to do you remember that time sheela when ?

and i remember it and i have to laugh.

and sometimes when i am feeling down i will have her say to me i am always here and i feel her and its real..

but this has only that i can tell of, started to happen to me like in the last few days maybe.. maybe bc i am only now starting to heal ...

i have been in giref for so long and certainly still am.. but there are times when i think to myself its ok to be gone now mom i will be ok..

 i will always love and miss you but i will be ok i think at least for today ...

when you start to heal more and more, you will have these thoughts come to you that at least for today its ok to be gone etc..

 even if its just for today..

 it still hurts and i still miss her so much i could cry just typing this out now, but its ok and you know somehow it will be. no matter how much it hurts right now and how much it will always hurt..

hugs !

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ask God to help you to feel him maybe in your dreams even ? that what i do and a lot of time i see my mom in my dreams to .. shortly after she died i wanted to see her in my dream so bad i just kept asking God to help me to see her there, and i did and when i did i ran to her and grabbed her and hugged her and said momma !

i am nearly crying telling you this now, i am all chooked up..

she was sitting on the end of her bed looking kind of down

and ran up to her and did that ... and she hugged me back and then i woke up..

there have even been dreams where i was like mom i know your gone how will get a messge to you etc again ? i dont remember her saying anything at all .. but i know i will see her again in my dreams and that she is always here

 

your son is always with you too.. grieving this long is normal take your time someday you will heal .. you will always hurt but you will heal and be able to just say please be proud of me i am trying etc but i accept that you are with God now and that you feel nothing but peace and love there too

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4everjoeysmom

Chrissy, I gave up trying to define "normal" after losing my son.  And I know I will never be normal according to society's standards, but i'm ok with that.  I don;t think it's strange at all what you are feeling and experiencing.  It hasn't been so long for me, a year and a half, but I can;t feel him near either.  I am of Christian faith, and I believe he is alive with God, but I can't feel him here with me.  I know a lot of people feel their loved ones near, and it's hard to say why some do and some don't.  There's so much that really can;t be explained in simple terms anymore.  I think it's natural to dream of what our boys would look like now, what they would be doing, how thay would change as they grow, etc.  When we gave birth to our children we grew with them, and as their dreams grew, their dreams also became ours.  Even after 13 years, that doesn't just disappear.  It's our way of preserving our memories and reminding the world and ourselves that THEY WERE HERE!  I would be concerned if you feel your emotions are negatively affecting your relations with your daughter.  She needs you and she needs to feel just as special and loved.  Perhaps if you are able to tell her that you would be just as sad and feel as much pain if the tide was turned and your son was the one here.  Each chld is so unique.  My two sons were so opposite.  It's natural for us to notice the qualities of the child here and long for the qualities that departed with our boys.  My survivng son is so mellow and Joey was so exciteable.  I miss his ways, even though he drove me nutty at times.  I will always miss his qualities, his essence, him.  Don;t feel as if there is something wrong with you.  I believe part of what you feel is very natural.  And if you were'nt able to grieve openly, for whatever reason, perhaps you need to do that, and finding this forum is a good place to do that.  In any regard, please know that there are others here that you can draw comfort and understanding from.  I'm so sorry for what you are going through, and I do hope you are able to find peace filled moments that help balance the tough ones.  It's so hard riding the waves of this grief journey, no matter how long.  Hugs, Claudia 

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Chrissy, It has been 5 months for me since my family was injured and my little angel joined God. I have not been able to see her. I ask her everyday to give me a sign that she is ok. But on the other hand my 15 year old who has been going through a lot of stuggles phyicaly and mentally has seen her. She said she would come and talk to her every night that she was in the hospital. She says they would fight like always and that Jayme would tell her you have to do your theorpy to get better, but that she will cause she will help.(sounds so much like Jayme) But since she has been home she has not heard from her. She claims that Jayme told her she would not see her at home because mom still is not ready to see her. (That hurts but I in someways think it is true.) If I were to see her I would not want her to leave, not for a second. I  beleive you would feel the same. Who wouldn't. Maybe that is why.Who Knows. Will we ever know. Probably not, I have learned in the time since all this happened all I have is more questions and no answers.

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hello,thankyou for taking the time to write to me,i think you might be right,if i ever seen sean-michael it would make me worse,because i wouldnt want him to leave..it makes you think,:?,i never went to counseling either so i havent really talked about it all...all my feelings,thoughts,and its been so long,that is a beautifull picture of your daughter,she was obviously older than my son,he was 4 and a half,its so bloody hard and it dosent seem 2 be getting any better or easier...im in a wirling hole!!!life goes on but it changes sooo much,did ure wee one have an illness if u dont mind me asking?xxxx

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Chrissy,

I haven't felt his presence or seen my Joshua since he passed away last July.  I do believe that he is happy with Jesus.  I have asked the Lord to give me a sign or let him come to me and let me know he is ok but I haven't had that kind of a sign.  Perhaps for me I need to grow in faith without a sign right now.  I don't know why some people seem to feel their loved one's presence and some don't.  As time passes I waver back and forth on how much I "need" a sign.  I have a strong faith and really do know Josh is ok, but how I would love to hug him and see him smile and talk to him one more time.  A mom wants reassurance of her child's saftey and happiness all the time.  Perhaps one sign wouldn't be enough.  Would I question it and want more?  My husband had a dream where Joshua came and hugged him and told him it was going to be ok. 

I agree that it is normal to miss your son no matter how long it has been. Your daughter nees you and loves you but she will never replace your Heavenly child.  She is her own individual special and wonderful person.   I like to think of our family as a beautiful tapestry with each person as a bold and beautiful thread.  Each thread is unique and special but very different.  Together they make a beautiful picture.  Without your precious son you have lost a unique and wonderful thread of your picture.  To others your tapestry is beautiful just as it is....but we know the part that is missing and we miss that wonderful and vivrant color.  We spent a long time evisioning the tapestry...dreaming of how our child's special color would be interwoven into the picture and now that thread is gone from our grasp.   Our picture will never look like we imagined it.  Remember your tapestry is still beautiful.  That little bit of thread from your precious son already woven into the picture will always be there.  You don't want to remove it.   You have those precious memories and he is still a part of the tapestry were his short life was already woven with love into the fabric.  But now your daughter's color must be woven where you planned for his color.  Is she not as beautiful a color and yet different? The two would have intertwined into a masterpiece.   Are you able to love and create a beautiful tapestry...not the one you planned on...but beautiful and wonderful none the less with the beauty of your daughter's thread?

Sorry this is so long.  I am writing to my own self as well.  I am so sorry we don't have our precious children alive with us.  I hate it that we have to learn to cope without a wonderful unique part of our lives.  Each child is so different from each other.  I miss so many things about Joshua that aren't a part of my living children's personality.  Uniquely Joshua things.    God bless,

Sal

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Jayme became an angel from a car accident that took your at the wee little age of nine. Two of my other children were injured bad and are still recoving. But doing well now. Still have many problems from it but I am sure Jayme is giving them the strenth to heal.

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hello,thankyou for taking the time to write to me,i cant believe that photo of ure mum,it looks like there is an angel on the left hand top corner looking down at her!ure words were very comforting to me,its so nice to speak to someone who didnt know my son and spk about how we are feeling,i hope ure mum meets my son in heaven,theyve probably brought us 2gether

thanks again

chrissy xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx;) 

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she is a georgous wee girl,the same age as my daughter,lets hope she has met my son and are good friends,they might have had something to do with us getting in contact with each other,a comforting thought?take care hun and ill spk soon,if u like i can give you my email adress and we could chat;)

spk sn

chrissy xxxxxxxxx

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hi sal

thankyou very much for your comforting words,he was a handsome boy,lets hope he and my son are playing up there 2gether,and maybe had something to do with us getting in contact?your letter really helped me to think,i havent had any kind of counselling so your words really stuck in my mind,since i have written to this site the people writing to me all feel exactly the same,i have never met a parent who has lost a young child b4 and find it very comforting to recieve an email,

im not alone!!:?

spk sn,keep in touch

chrissy xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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Chrissy, I know Jayme is with your son. She is (was) a girl who loved to make friends.  I too think the kids brought us together. I would like to chat to you through email. I am so glad to have this site. I do not know if I could have made it this far with out it. The days still are hard but I know that I WILL get through this. Seeing how others have made it and having such caring people to talk to and to just not feel alone is great.  Every child that God has taken far to soon from us was so wonderful. It is comforting knowing that Jayme is surrounded with wonderful people up in heaven.

 

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