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The Only Place i seem to be able to come


mrsduc

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Well I seem to have made it thru another day. But it is night and once again I have only slept about two hours. My heart is numb now. I am tired of everything and everyones trival day to day problems. They just don't matter to me. I am not trying to offend anyone in what I am saying, just getting things out to try and do whatever I have to do to get threw my son death. I hold his urn in my arms and just talk to him and ache for him because I knew the pain that his family (ex side) and some me, had put on him. I know that it caused him so much anguish that he finally couldn't take it. But in his suicide video he says Well you guys will hurt for a short time, but you'll get over me and move on. Almost like he didn't know how much he was loved and how much it would effect me and some other people who truely loved him. To me that is very sad. I think the video was made just before he died. I am glad to have it, but at the same time it makes me ache for the pain he felt inside to have to kill himself to get rid of it. He had been seeing a therapist and I knew alot of how he felt and I tried in my own way to help him as best as I could. But he was a 32 year man who lived over 2000 miles away. We talked on the phone atleast 3 times a day for atleast an hour or more each time. We knew each other. I knew he felt like killing himself and I talked to him about how it would effect me and other people. But I also knew his torment because I was in that family for 11 years before I divorced his father and got out of the family. But I was not able to get my kids out. The family was very powerful and took me to court and won custody of my kids. And then they would not let me see them. I would write the boys but found out they were never given to the kids. They told my youngest that I never loved him. He has nothing to do with me at all. My second son stays away from everyone except to get money from the grandparents. See my ex in-laws are the most evilest people that I have ever met. But everything they do is in the name of love. They still pay all my ex husband's bills and my kids bills. They bought them all homes (in the grandparents name) and they put money each week into their bank account that the grandfather sits on the board of. And if you don't do something even stupid stuff they take things away from you. When I was married to my ex and I had my second child. I saw how they were taking control of Robert, but I could not stop it for my husband, their son saw nothing wrong with it. But my second son needed diapers, (oh yeah forgot to tell you that I was not allowed to have money or go to the grocery store the in laws did that for me), well I did not want them to have control over my second son so when he needed diapers of course I called them and they said why don't we just bring him over to their house and then they will bring him back in a day or two with diapers and so i could have a break. I said no so they refused to buy me diapers and I refused to beg so I put hand towels on my son, until I found an organization that gave me some cloth diapers. The things I indured no one can imagine. So I have found out threw the son that killed himself some of what he had to indure and it kills me as his mother that I could not protect him or the other two from these evil people. My other two boys want nothing to do with me. So it is like I have no kids anymore. I have tried and tried to get a relationship going with them but the doors are locked tight around them when it comes to me. Now that my beloved Robert is gone I feel like I have not a foot but almost a whole body in a world where I hope he is in and alittle part in this world. I am not going to kill myself so don't worry about that. But I am not afraid to die I would be happy to die so I could be with him. My heart is so numb now. I can't get thru a day without crying. Sure I laugh but I don't feel guilty. I am alittle angre at Robert for taking the easy way out. But very little because of what I knew he was put threw. I just want to be sure that he is at peace finally with no more pain and is happy in the new journey that he is on. I believe in God. But right now I went down earlier and held Robert in my arms (his urn) and cried and talked to him and what I said is what I wonder now is he a nothing now, after death there is nothing and we were just taught to believe that their is a God and Heaven and Hell so that we can live in this lousy crazy world. And it saddens me to think if this is true then my son is a nothing and if and when I die I will be a nothing. Then I get upset with my self and scared that I won't go to Heaven because I am doubting my beliefs in my God. So conflicting thoughts all the time. My son had them. I called county in my area to see if they had any kind of counceling for grief for people that don;t have insurance and they do not. So I hope you guys don';t mind me talking to you. I know I ramble, so please forgive me. I am sorry that I do not respond to other people that have lost their child. I read them but I just can't seem to help anyone right now. My husband takes care of my father and I went over and I told him about my son (who my never wanted to be involved in his life) told me ok thats life just forget about him. He said that is what you have to do. That is what I did when mom died. Well I can't forget and refuse to forget about Robert. He was my son. He was a human being and deserves to be remember for his laugh and his smile and his corky ways and his talents. Boy could he style a persons hair and do makeup and photo and do set designs. He could do it all and he was good at it. But his demons just made him stop doing everything that he liked to do and loose interest in them. To me that is so sad. My son died to feel better not thinking that it would effect us more than it has. He just had no idea the depth of love for him is. One of his closest friends out in CA who helped to arrange the memorial said to me she just felt like taking the same things as he did. Of course I told her don't and she said she won;t but I do understand where she is coming from. So as I stop now thanks for listening and if anyone want to reply so I don't feel like no one cares.It might help me.

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I'm so sorry that you are feeling so alone right now, and with good reason. Coming here really helps me when I feel alone. Everyone here understands the ache and the longing that you feel for dear Robert. I am glad that you are not thinking about "ending it all", although I'm with you on the not afraid to die anymore. Well, maybe afraid of the unknown of it, but not nearly as much as I used to be. It sounds like getting away from your ex's family is no easy thing to do, it was good that you got away and I'm so sorry that your other children could not, and that they feel the way they do. I can't imagine how much that hurts. Robert sounds like an amazing person that the world is less because he is gone from it. I struggle with my faith since I lost my son, but I don't believe that after death we are nothing. I read something the other day that C.S. Lewis said. He is the Christian writer that wrote the Chronicles of Narnia books. He said "You don't have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body." I think I got that mostly right the way it was written, but it may not be an exact quote. It made me think about what we think is real vs. what is real. What is real and permanent and eternal is Robert's spirit (and Westley's and our's) We will be with them again someday and that hope is what we have to hold on to. Hugs to you, I wish there was more I could say to help, but there are no magic words to heal our broken hearts. Only time and hope and friendship and belief in One more powerful than we can imagine. I struggle with it still, but I haven't given up.

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Oh, I so understand the questioning of faith at this time of great sorrow... I've gone thru the feelings of being angry with God for dealing me this horribly unfair hand I also miss my son so much that it tears at my very center. It's only been seven weeks since Sean died, and I already have people frustrated by my grief.... telling me that he is gone, there is nothing you can do about it, so just move on with your life. He wouldn't want you to be so sad. Well....... CAN'T HELP IT! I am sad, and right now, I feel that I always will be.

In regards to faith, I have started to think about levels of existance beyond this earthly life we are stuck in. ... or our souls are in at the moment. I've always believed in God and Heaven, but all of this really initially shook those beliefs to the core. Now I am at a point where I'm looking at expanding my awareness that our souls are energy that does live on and goes to another plane of existance after the bodily death. It probably sounds odd to some, but I do believe that there is more out there...... more levels of existance, and more for us to experience. My son's life may have been his soul's time to learn another of life's lessons in order to go to another level...... closer to God and the heavenly hereafter. I don't just think it, but I know now that our souls are connected and I will see him in another dimension some day.

Shortly after Sean died, I added to my evening prayers... "Dear God, Angels, and Spirit Guides... whoever is in charge of such things, please show me a way to be with, see, talk to and hear my son again."

It has been shown to me that he is within reach in my dreams, I'm looking forward to having more lucid dreams about him, and I've even looked into the phenomenon called Astral Projection.. where it's said that you can experience those other realms of existance. Before I ever even knew anything about lucid dreams, sleep paralysis, or any of that sort of wierd stuff, I had a very strange experence about a week and a half ago. I wrote it down to document it, and will share it with you.........

This happened on February 15th:

Sleep Paralysis/Full Body Vibration/Dream/Astral Projection? I have had a couple of stressful days, and in the early afternoon I felt tired so laid down on the couch to take a little nap.I was suddenly very aware of a loud roaring noise, like the rumble of jet engines, and a very uncomortable vibration running through my whole body. It was very confusing and odd. I felt like I was fully awake, but I couldn't move or do anything to make it stop. I tried to open my eyes, but couldn't - felt like they were glued shut. I just laid there.....starting to get a little fearful. I desparately wanted something familiar, so I think I reached out my right hand and could feel the fur on the back of my great dane, Lacee. I patted her as I usually do, and I thought, OK - Lacee is here, so everything is ok. I brought my arm back to my body but the vibration and roaring noise never stopped. For a moment, I think I did open my eyes, or thought I did, and I saw Lacee laying in her usual spot, on "her" couch at the other side of the room. I thought how odd that was because she was just standing right beside me. The roaring and vibration continued at an alarming pace and volume........ I was accutely aware of it and thought it interestingly unusual... Suddenly, the thought hit me that maybe I was having a heart attack or stroke and was dying. I fervently thought I must get the phone and dial 911!!! This time, with my right arm again, I reached up over my head to get the phone where we used to keep it, on that end table. (Weeks ago, we decided to move the phone into the office, so it is not on the end table now) I am panicking now that I must call 911 - I did not know what was happening to me! I got the phone in my hand, but struggled to hit the "Talk" button. I seemed to be able to make slits out of my eyes, to see the button on and off..... the light went in and out from the center of my forhead but I couldn't focus on it or find the buttons for 9 and 1. I clearly remember seeing it lit up, and then it would flash away again. I tried to remember, by touch, or feeling, where the 9 and 1 keys were, but I just couldn't hit them right. I pushed buttons erratically...but 911 would not come out right each time. I was extremely frustrated and scared believing that I was going to die while lying right there on my couch and the phone in my hand, but I could not use it correctly. All of these actions were totally clear, as though I were awake and using my thinking mind. I remember bringing my arm back to my body again, but I still lay there, not being able to move, or see, and the roaring and vibrations continued. Next thing I remember, I actually did open my eyes and could clearly see the ceiling and the back of the couch I was laying on, but I still could not move. The noise and vibration had stopped. I thought, okay, I am not dead, but why can't I move? I struggled, with great effort to try to get my body to work. I was very shaken up and still quite afraid. After a little while, I was able to get my body up, and sat on the couch with an enormous feeling of confusion.....I seem to be ok, but what the hell just happened??? I looked at the clock and realized I had been "asleep" for about 2 hours, but it really only felt like it was for maybe 10 minutes. It was 3:30 in the afternoon, Lacee was on her couch, and all seemed normal again. I remained shaken up....... And I have never experienced anything like this before. I am not a young person, have lived 55 years amd this was a first time occurance. I went to the computer and googled "full body vibration dream", thinking that I would find something about having a stroke or heart attack, and all I found was information about sleep paralysis and astral projection. After reading a little I thought that maybe, that's what was happening...... the first almost astral projection experience. A little history about me and current circumstances: I was brought up a Catholic and have always considered my self a spiritual person in the sense of believing in God, Jesues, Heaven and Hell, with socially appropriate moral standards and values. Although, I am not an overly "religious" type of person. I just experienced the first terrible, overwhelming loss of my life, with death of my 28 year old son who died on January 5, 2012. I have, for the first time, really questioned spirituality, the purpose of life, and the existance of different levels of conciousness. I have, for the first time ever, considered contacting a psychic wondering if there is something more to this than simply entertainment value. Let's say I've become OPEN to psychic possibilies, and the existance of other realms or layers of conciousness than the earthly type that I am accustomed to. Since my son's death, when I lay down to go to sleep, I have added a new request to my prayers. After, the usual thank you's to God, and asking for blessings, strength and guidance, I've added..."Dear God, Spirit Guides, or Angels..........whoever is in charge of such things, please allow me a way to be with, visit, or see my son again. - Thank you, Amen" Is this the beginning of that path being made available to me?

I know that it's way OUT THERE for most people, but I have to believe this is more than a coincidence. I do believe that I was spontaneously being shown something that I previously had known nothing about. It has not happened since, but I have caught a glimpse of him in remembered dreams twice. This is currently my way of being comforted ... I will see him again, even if it is in my imagination, or a dream or on another level of conciousness before or after I die. For now I have to be satisfied with that. I am learning to open my mind to the possibilites. I'm looking at meditation techniques and Yoga to find my way to best relax and clear my shattered mind. This may be the beginning of a spiritual journey for me that would otherwise never have happened. I personally feel that ANY way that we can find some comfort from this grief is worth exploring. Hugs.........

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I'm so sorry, it just occurred to me that I hi-jacked your thread and went off on quite a tangent. Perhaps I should start a new discussion on this topic. Please forgive me. :huh:

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Well I seem to have made it thru another day. But it is night and once again I have only slept about two hours. My heart is numb now. I am tired of everything and everyones trival day to day problems. They just don't matter to me. I am not trying to offend anyone in what I am saying, just getting things out to try and do whatever I have to do to get threw my son death. I hold his urn in my arms and just talk to him and ache for him because I knew the pain that his family (ex side) and some me, had put on him. I know that it caused him so much anguish that he finally couldn't take it. But in his suicide video he says Well you guys will hurt for a short time, but you'll get over me and move on. Almost like he didn't know how much he was loved and how much it would effect me and some other people who truely loved him. To me that is very sad. I think the video was made just before he died. I am glad to have it, but at the same time it makes me ache for the pain he felt inside to have to kill himself to get rid of it. He had been seeing a therapist and I knew alot of how he felt and I tried in my own way to help him as best as I could. But he was a 32 year man who lived over 2000 miles away. We talked on the phone atleast 3 times a day for atleast an hour or more each time. We knew each other. I knew he felt like killing himself and I talked to him about how it would effect me and other people. But I also knew his torment because I was in that family for 11 years before I divorced his father and got out of the family. But I was not able to get my kids out. The family was very powerful and took me to court and won custody of my kids. And then they would not let me see them. I would write the boys but found out they were never given to the kids. They told my youngest that I never loved him. He has nothing to do with me at all. My second son stays away from everyone except to get money from the grandparents. See my ex in-laws are the most evilest people that I have ever met. But everything they do is in the name of love. They still pay all my ex husband's bills and my kids bills. They bought them all homes (in the grandparents name) and they put money each week into their bank account that the grandfather sits on the board of. And if you don't do something even stupid stuff they take things away from you. When I was married to my ex and I had my second child. I saw how they were taking control of Robert, but I could not stop it for my husband, their son saw nothing wrong with it. But my second son needed diapers, (oh yeah forgot to tell you that I was not allowed to have money or go to the grocery store the in laws did that for me), well I did not want them to have control over my second son so when he needed diapers of course I called them and they said why don't we just bring him over to their house and then they will bring him back in a day or two with diapers and so i could have a break. I said no so they refused to buy me diapers and I refused to beg so I put hand towels on my son, until I found an organization that gave me some cloth diapers. The things I indured no one can imagine. So I have found out threw the son that killed himself some of what he had to indure and it kills me as his mother that I could not protect him or the other two from these evil people. My other two boys want nothing to do with me. So it is like I have no kids anymore. I have tried and tried to get a relationship going with them but the doors are locked tight around them when it comes to me. Now that my beloved Robert is gone I feel like I have not a foot but almost a whole body in a world where I hope he is in and alittle part in this world. I am not going to kill myself so don't worry about that. But I am not afraid to die I would be happy to die so I could be with him. My heart is so numb now. I can't get thru a day without crying. Sure I laugh but I don't feel guilty. I am alittle angre at Robert for taking the easy way out. But very little because of what I knew he was put threw. I just want to be sure that he is at peace finally with no more pain and is happy in the new journey that he is on. I believe in God. But right now I went down earlier and held Robert in my arms (his urn) and cried and talked to him and what I said is what I wonder now is he a nothing now, after death there is nothing and we were just taught to believe that their is a God and Heaven and Hell so that we can live in this lousy crazy world. And it saddens me to think if this is true then my son is a nothing and if and when I die I will be a nothing. Then I get upset with my self and scared that I won't go to Heaven because I am doubting my beliefs in my God. So conflicting thoughts all the time. My son had them. I called county in my area to see if they had any kind of counceling for grief for people that don;t have insurance and they do not. So I hope you guys don';t mind me talking to you. I know I ramble, so please forgive me. I am sorry that I do not respond to other people that have lost their child. I read them but I just can't seem to help anyone right now. My husband takes care of my father and I went over and I told him about my son (who my never wanted to be involved in his life) told me ok thats life just forget about him. He said that is what you have to do. That is what I did when mom died. Well I can't forget and refuse to forget about Robert. He was my son. He was a human being and deserves to be remember for his laugh and his smile and his corky ways and his talents. Boy could he style a persons hair and do makeup and photo and do set designs. He could do it all and he was good at it. But his demons just made him stop doing everything that he liked to do and loose interest in them. To me that is so sad. My son died to feel better not thinking that it would effect us more than it has. He just had no idea the depth of love for him is. One of his closest friends out in CA who helped to arrange the memorial said to me she just felt like taking the same things as he did. Of course I told her don't and she said she won;t but I do understand where she is coming from. So as I stop now thanks for listening and if anyone want to reply so I don't feel like no one cares.It might help me.

msduc,

You have nothing to feel sorry for- in our situation, sometimes it's hard to organize our thoughts, think clearly, or be able to put into words what we are feeling. This is natural- I'm finding that my short-term memory is just a memory! :D

I'm so sorry for what your ex in-laws have put you and your children through. People who use their wealth to control others (storing up their treasures on earth) and a very rude awakening coming their way. Jesus had a LOT to say about these people throughtout all four Gospels! I know that forgiving them isn't on your "to do" list right now, but I'm hoping that someday you will be able to, just for the peace it brings YOU- not them. In the meantime, keep the lines of communication open to your other children. One thing is true- sooner or later, kids WANT their mothers. If they know they can appraoch you and know that they will encounter nothing but love and acceptance, they WILL come. Money is cold, conditional love is unsatisfying, and your ex in-laws will learn that money doesn't form strong commitments. YOU will reap the benefits of that.

I worry about my kids- they are SO impatient! They are so unwilling, sometimes, to wait for the "good stuff". Sometimes, young folks are too impatient to wait for the pain to work itself out, as well. I believe, absolutely, that we will see our babies again. There is not a shred of doubt in my heart or mind. Chrissy left wonderful things behind, and I know Robert did, too. We have all learned from our precious ones, and the only thing to do with them is to carry them within us and "keep working until He comes" for us. Every day is a day closer to heaven.

Love,

Robyn

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Yes, I also believe in the ability to continue relationship with our children on a spiritually conscience level. I also strive to develop my ability to acquire a higher level of vibration so that I can be better able to simply be with my daughter....like trying to learn a new language...the language of the spirit. I also have Narcolepsy, so I am very aware of sleep paralysis and hypnogogic hallucinations. Those experiences can be very alarming. Awake yet dreaming at the same time, and paralyzed. Shannon is in my dreams every time I sleep, but I have only had 2 actual visit dreams since her death, and I treasure those visits. I get signs as well....almost daily, and I treasure those too.

I do not see you as crazy or "way out there".....and you're not alone in this.

Prayers that you get your visit dream, your signs, and that you find your way on the spiritual path of growth.

Oh, I so understand the questioning of faith at this time of great sorrow... I've gone thru the feelings of being angry with God for dealing me this horribly unfair hand I also miss my son so much that it tears at my very center. It's only been seven weeks since Sean died, and I already have people frustrated by my grief.... telling me that he is gone, there is nothing you can do about it, so just move on with your life. He wouldn't want you to be so sad. Well....... CAN'T HELP IT! I am sad, and right now, I feel that I always will be.

In regards to faith, I have started to think about levels of existance beyond this earthly life we are stuck in. ... or our souls are in at the moment. I've always believed in God and Heaven, but all of this really initially shook those beliefs to the core. Now I am at a point where I'm looking at expanding my awareness that our souls are energy that does live on and goes to another plane of existance after the bodily death. It probably sounds odd to some, but I do believe that there is more out there...... more levels of existance, and more for us to experience. My son's life may have been his soul's time to learn another of life's lessons in order to go to another level...... closer to God and the heavenly hereafter. I don't just think it, but I know now that our souls are connected and I will see him in another dimension some day.

Shortly after Sean died, I added to my evening prayers... "Dear God, Angels, and Spirit Guides... whoever is in charge of such things, please show me a way to be with, see, talk to and hear my son again."

It has been shown to me that he is within reach in my dreams, I'm looking forward to having more lucid dreams about him, and I've even looked into the phenomenon called Astral Projection.. where it's said that you can experience those other realms of existance. Before I ever even knew anything about lucid dreams, sleep paralysis, or any of that sort of wierd stuff, I had a very strange experence about a week and a half ago. I wrote it down to document it, and will share it with you.........

This happened on February 15th:

Sleep Paralysis/Full Body Vibration/Dream/Astral Projection? I have had a couple of stressful days, and in the early afternoon I felt tired so laid down on the couch to take a little nap.I was suddenly very aware of a loud roaring noise, like the rumble of jet engines, and a very uncomortable vibration running through my whole body. It was very confusing and odd. I felt like I was fully awake, but I couldn't move or do anything to make it stop. I tried to open my eyes, but couldn't - felt like they were glued shut. I just laid there.....starting to get a little fearful. I desparately wanted something familiar, so I think I reached out my right hand and could feel the fur on the back of my great dane, Lacee. I patted her as I usually do, and I thought, OK - Lacee is here, so everything is ok. I brought my arm back to my body but the vibration and roaring noise never stopped. For a moment, I think I did open my eyes, or thought I did, and I saw Lacee laying in her usual spot, on "her" couch at the other side of the room. I thought how odd that was because she was just standing right beside me. The roaring and vibration continued at an alarming pace and volume........ I was accutely aware of it and thought it interestingly unusual... Suddenly, the thought hit me that maybe I was having a heart attack or stroke and was dying. I fervently thought I must get the phone and dial 911!!! This time, with my right arm again, I reached up over my head to get the phone where we used to keep it, on that end table. (Weeks ago, we decided to move the phone into the office, so it is not on the end table now) I am panicking now that I must call 911 - I did not know what was happening to me! I got the phone in my hand, but struggled to hit the "Talk" button. I seemed to be able to make slits out of my eyes, to see the button on and off..... the light went in and out from the center of my forhead but I couldn't focus on it or find the buttons for 9 and 1. I clearly remember seeing it lit up, and then it would flash away again. I tried to remember, by touch, or feeling, where the 9 and 1 keys were, but I just couldn't hit them right. I pushed buttons erratically...but 911 would not come out right each time. I was extremely frustrated and scared believing that I was going to die while lying right there on my couch and the phone in my hand, but I could not use it correctly. All of these actions were totally clear, as though I were awake and using my thinking mind. I remember bringing my arm back to my body again, but I still lay there, not being able to move, or see, and the roaring and vibrations continued. Next thing I remember, I actually did open my eyes and could clearly see the ceiling and the back of the couch I was laying on, but I still could not move. The noise and vibration had stopped. I thought, okay, I am not dead, but why can't I move? I struggled, with great effort to try to get my body to work. I was very shaken up and still quite afraid. After a little while, I was able to get my body up, and sat on the couch with an enormous feeling of confusion.....I seem to be ok, but what the hell just happened??? I looked at the clock and realized I had been "asleep" for about 2 hours, but it really only felt like it was for maybe 10 minutes. It was 3:30 in the afternoon, Lacee was on her couch, and all seemed normal again. I remained shaken up....... And I have never experienced anything like this before. I am not a young person, have lived 55 years amd this was a first time occurance. I went to the computer and googled "full body vibration dream", thinking that I would find something about having a stroke or heart attack, and all I found was information about sleep paralysis and astral projection. After reading a little I thought that maybe, that's what was happening...... the first almost astral projection experience. A little history about me and current circumstances: I was brought up a Catholic and have always considered my self a spiritual person in the sense of believing in God, Jesues, Heaven and Hell, with socially appropriate moral standards and values. Although, I am not an overly "religious" type of person. I just experienced the first terrible, overwhelming loss of my life, with death of my 28 year old son who died on January 5, 2012. I have, for the first time, really questioned spirituality, the purpose of life, and the existance of different levels of conciousness. I have, for the first time ever, considered contacting a psychic wondering if there is something more to this than simply entertainment value. Let's say I've become OPEN to psychic possibilies, and the existance of other realms or layers of conciousness than the earthly type that I am accustomed to. Since my son's death, when I lay down to go to sleep, I have added a new request to my prayers. After, the usual thank you's to God, and asking for blessings, strength and guidance, I've added..."Dear God, Spirit Guides, or Angels..........whoever is in charge of such things, please allow me a way to be with, visit, or see my son again. - Thank you, Amen" Is this the beginning of that path being made available to me?

I know that it's way OUT THERE for most people, but I have to believe this is more than a coincidence. I do believe that I was spontaneously being shown something that I previously had known nothing about. It has not happened since, but I have caught a glimpse of him in remembered dreams twice. This is currently my way of being comforted ... I will see him again, even if it is in my imagination, or a dream or on another level of conciousness before or after I die. For now I have to be satisfied with that. I am learning to open my mind to the possibilites. I'm looking at meditation techniques and Yoga to find my way to best relax and clear my shattered mind. This may be the beginning of a spiritual journey for me that would otherwise never have happened. I personally feel that ANY way that we can find some comfort from this grief is worth exploring. Hugs.........

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mrsduc - You are so very new to this journey, and your pain is so very evident and understandable. There is no need to apologize for lengthy posts....no need to apologize for rambling. We understand and share your heartache and struggle. This place has become a lifeline for many....the place we come to pour out the pain in our broken hearts. The place we come to try to find peace or make sense out of what has happened. The place we come to acknowledge our anger and despair. The place we come to remember our child. God, I know the loneliness you feel, but you are not completely alone and forsaken.....not when you come here. We cannot take the steps for you, but we will walk with you.

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