replaying the last moments - having a hard time

[Kay78]

It's been 80 days today since he died. And I'm really having a hard time seeing past the moment. Sometimes I still think he's going to knock on my door, or when I walk into the next room he's going to scare me (he always got a laugh out of making me jump). I miss his presence in my life and his companionship. I wish I would've taken his sickness more seriously when he was in the ER. I thought he was invincible you know and that he was going to get better. Maybe it wasn't really registering to me, but for whatever reason I felt that at the time I wasn't taking it seriously.. I took him to the ER on December 22 and he was in the ER for a week and he wasn't really improving then on New Years Day he was transferred to another hospital and put on life support. I was planning on spending the night in the hospital New Years Eve night but I ended up leaving because he said I probably wouldn't be able to get any sleep with the constant beeping and nurses coming in so I ended up going home around 10pm - that was the last time I saw him fully conscious, I kissed him and told him I loved him and said Happy New Year. I should have stayed the night!

He texted me on New Years Day saying he was going to be transferred and instead of rushing to the hospital I waited to hear from him. He said he was going to get some procedure done and would let me know after he settled into the new hospital. Why didn't I rush to the hospital? Why didn't I take it seriously! I waited for his call. Instead I received a call from a doctor early in the morning on Jan. 2 telling me he had been put on ECMO and a ventilator. I then immediately rushed to the new hospital. He was in the ICU for a week before doctors determined he was not going to make it due to a recent discovery of  an aggressive type of cancer that had spread everywhere. I really just wish I could've talked to him one last time, but because of the life support he wasn't able to speak and had suffered a stroke so wasn't able to move most of his body. Watching somebody once so lively deteriorate in front of your eyes is the most heartbreaking thing I have ever witnessed. He was only 42.. too young. It just kills me knowing how scared he must've been and in pain before he passed.  I just don't understand what I'm supposed to do or how to move forward. People reached out in the beginning but now that some time has passed the silence is really getting to me. The loneliness is unbearable. I wish I could just hug him and tell him I love him one more time. I want to know he's ok. I'm just really sad today.

[widower2]

I'm so sorry. I had a somewhat similar situation. I can only say it never goes away entirely, but realize that grief and guilt are old friends. I think most if not all of us beat ourselves up about I should have done this or that differently. We're human; we don't do everything perfectly. It's not a sin or a crime. I try to remind myself of that because I have kicked myself 1000 times over for what I did or didn't do like I should have. 

And you're early in the grieving process so FYI although it's never easy, gradually it does get easiER. I realize it probably seems impossible now, but you can do this. Try to keep busy however you can. Visits with family/friends, going shopping, indulging in hobbies (old or new), reading, movies, ANYTHING...even things as mundane as housework or yard work beat sitting there stewing in it. 

[movingon]

2 hours ago, Kay78 said:

Maybe it wasn't really registering to me, but for whatever reason I felt that at the time I wasn't taking it seriously.. 

@Kay78 In reading your words I think I understand and empathize with your feelings...even when my husband was bedridden, even that last week before he passed from cancer, Kay78, I must have been in denial or something because I actually still thought he was going to be okay somehow, I never once thought...he might not be here tomorrow. Never.  I think our minds go into a state of shock because the reality at the time is too frightening to comprehend. I am really sorry for your loss, 42 is young, it's crushing, it hurts, it's unreal. It's ok to be really sad today, I will be sad with you too. I also have thought back as to how much pain and suffering my husband was in, but it serves no purpose now except to make me feel worse about everything that happened, as you said watching someone so lively deteriorate in front of your eyes...it is devastating. I'm glad you're here, talking about it Kay78, it will help you. It helped me talking here, everyone listening...

[KayC]

12 hours ago, Kay78 said:

Why didn't I rush to the hospital? Why didn't I take it seriously!

You didn't know.  You saw through your eyes as things played themselves out, you didn't have foreknowledge of what's to come.  None of us knew how things would go that last couple of days...had we known...but we didn't.
The what ifs blame game happens to most of us going through early grief, it did me when my husband died nearly 18 years ago...it's not that we are guilty of anything but loving them, and the truth is feelings are not facts, but it's that we can't wrap our heads around what happened, and our mind is trying to find some different possible outcome so it searches all the what ifs...

[KayC]

12 hours ago, Kay78 said:

I just don't understand what I'm supposed to do or how to move forward.

Take one day at a time. Get up, get dressed, eat/drink something healthy and some water.  I kept a list of what I needed to do (still do) and I tackle something on the list.   Keep coming here, reading/posting, it helps. 

My heart goes out to you...so early in grief, it's all consuming.  Realize we've been where you are and somehow made our way through this to where we have learned to live with it and it eases a bit in time, although none of us can say when as we're all individual.  Sending you thoughts and prayers to get through today.  I'm sorry.

It helps to get out a bit, go for a walk, it does something in us, I love nature and would often drive out in the woods to walk.  Sometimes just to scream!  Have scared off many a bear and cougar I'm sure.

[Kay78]

12 hours ago, KayC said:

 and the truth is feelings are not facts, but it's that we can't wrap our heads around what happened, and our mind is trying to find some different possible outcome so it searches all the what ifs...

Thank you for your words, it helps hearing somebody else say these things. It's like at times I will convince myself that of course if I would've known the outcome I would've acted differently. And I only did what I could manage at the time. I think I was also still in shock processing how quick everything was happening..

But our minds can be so persistent in going back to those what ifs constantly! And then it's the other memories unrelated to illness that come up and you think about how you could've maybe been more loving, or shouldn't have said that, or shouldn't have went to bed so early that one night and stayed up with them, or had that conversation that had been on your mind.. It's exhausting.. 

[Kay78]

21 hours ago, maud said:

@Kay78 In reading your words I think I understand and empathize with your feelings...even when my husband was bedridden, even that last week before he passed from cancer, Kay78, I must have been in denial or something because I actually still thought he was going to be okay somehow, I never once thought...he might not be here tomorrow. Never.  I think our minds go into a state of shock because the reality at the time is too frightening to comprehend. 

@maud I appreciate you sharing because that really resonates with me, your experience, as unfortunate and devastating it was to live through. That's exactly what I was doing! I had not even fathomed 'death' - I even was going out buying  New Years meal prep for us. Calling him asking him what sides he wanted. Planning as if nothing was wrong and he was going to be fine..

[movingon]

The brain is a strange complex organ. I often wish I could go back in time with a clear head during that last week. To see if I would have been different. I suppose we were in a state of shock as a defense mechanism because the reality was unspeakably horrid. A different state of shock then the one after they passed, but nevertheless...

 

[KayC]

11 hours ago, Kay78 said:

I appreciate you sharing because that really resonates with me, your experience, as unfortunate and devastating it was to live through.

I had no one that had gone through widowdom when I went through it save Evelyn and WaltC from my grief site, they meant so much to me and now I've lost touch with them both, not even sure if they're alive.  I should reach out to them.  

[Kay78]

On 4/2/2023 at 5:09 AM, KayC said:

Take one day at a time. Get up, get dressed, eat/drink something healthy and some water.  I kept a list of what I needed to do (still do) and I tackle something on the list.   Keep coming here, reading/posting, it helps. 

@KayCI feel like a crazy person but I've been making to do lists on post it notes around my apartment and it's really helping..  I started to do them, then stopped, but reading this reminded me that I should continuously do them and make it a habit. Because I'll think of like 10 things to do at once, so writing them down as they come to me and checking them off is really helping keep things straight in my head.. 

[Jemiga70]

5 hours ago, Kay78 said:

I feel like a crazy person but I've been making to do lists on post it notes around my apartment and it's really helping.

Youre not a crazy person... youre in the fog of grief.  Yes - it sucks - but it's common and completely understandable.  When I was where you are, I did exactly the same. Yellow sticky notes everywhere. It helped. It was the only way I couldve got anything done. My brain had holes in it. Still does, but not as gaping as the first few months. <Hugs>

[KayC]

I'm not 100% sure my brain ever returned fully.  I know I wasn't the same in the workforce, before I could be/do anything and the best at it!  It never felt the same again but thankfully my bosses never noticed.  But lists help me, I have lived by them ever since George died.  I note my friend Iris does the same.

[Sparky1]

I never made lists before my wife passed away. Now, I make lists of tasks to do, what groceries to buy, and appointments. At the beginning the grief was unbearable, and making these lists at least prevented me from going nuts. And, I'm the type of person that doesn't procrastinate, I make sure these lists get done. I don't like thinking about minor things, my mind is too busy thinking about my wife.

[DWS]

2 hours ago, Sparky1 said:

I don't like thinking about minor things, my mind is too busy thinking about my wife.

I was going to start a topic on that very thing....how we're always in such deep thought about our partners and spouses. I think what it is is we're not finished with the story. With them still so firmly in our hearts, this love story is unfinished. It's not even that we don't like, what is assumed to be, the ending. Their death is not the ending...not according to the heart. Maybe in my case, the endless thinking is my mind is trying to console my heart...or maybe it realizes that it can't compete with it so it joins in on the neverending story!

[MichiganDaniel]

On 4/1/2023 at 6:59 PM, Kay78 said:

I thought he was invincible you know and that he was going to get better.

All of our stories are so different, but also the same. On my way home tonight, I relived the moment the doctor told her she had covid, and she bent over and shrieked, “NOOO!” Then I had leave. I came back the next day for a short visit. When I was leaving, she said, “Take care of you.” The next day she went on a ventilator, anesthesia, paralytic. Of course she would get past Covid, and then we would get to the cancer. They turned her on her stomach and she was doing better. Then she wasn’t and she never was conscious again. I don’t even know if she knew I was there holding her hand when she took her last breath.

Love to you and everyone here.

[movingon]

Oh my @DanielInMichigan that is a heartbreaking story, I am so sorry. I am glad you were there when she took her last breath, I believe she knew you were there. Some of the stories here of loved ones, just so heart wrenching. This forum is filled with stories of love, some days hard to read, and other days just hearing what you said...love to everyone here...makes a difference in our lives. 

[KayC]

21 hours ago, Sparky1 said:

I never made lists before my wife passed away. Now, I make lists of tasks to do, what groceries to buy, and appointments.

OMG, this is me!  I don't recall keeping a spiral notebook at my right hand before George died, now I live by it!

[KayC]

13 hours ago, DanielInMichigan said:

I don’t even know if she knew I was there holding her hand when she took her last breath.

I'm sure she did and it was a comfort to her.  I was so upset that they made me leave when they were working on George's heart...I often wondered if he realized they FORCED me out and locked the door, the only way they could have kept us apart, we were always there for each other and they deprived me of being there for him as he died.  I cannot forgive that.  What was an everyday occurrence for them was my life, my heartbeat...