Sad

[KatTool]

I’m very sad and lonely today. I’ve made plans to interact with people on two days next week. Hopefully, this will help. 

[KatTool]

Thanks. It’s so nice to hear from someone. I hope that you have a good day- aside from the food situation!

[MichiganDaniel]

Weekends are so hard. I don't know what to do with myself. I just spent an hour paying one bill and driving it to a mail box. On the way back anxiety kept growing and growing, and when I got in the house, I erupted again into crying and disbelief, and still I have nothing to do the entire day.

I am desperate to interact with people, but there is nothing to do and nowhere to go. I'm meeting someone tomorrow, and that's like an air bubble. But I don't have a new thing to do yet on Saturdays.

We used to get up on Saturday. She would usually sleep in. I would watch some tv until she got up. We would make some breakfast and watch one of our shows, sometimes one of the zoo shoes on Disney.

We would get dressed and go out. Usually Starbucks drinks and sandwiches. Then probably Target and a grocery store. Then back home to put the groceries away together. I would work on a project and she would scrapbook. Then later we would go for a walk together. Then we would think of what to do for supper. Maybe call for takeout. Bring it home and watch some shows or a movie.

There's nothing to do, because the things we did didn't matter, we just did them together. We were together every day all day long for three years in the pandemic, and together every day for over twenty years and now she's gone and my brain is broken without her. I have grief fog. I still cry so hard it startles me. I don't know who I am or what to do.

Thank you, KatTool for posting and giving me a chance to share with you. I hope you are a little less lonely knowing that someone out here cares about you and hopes that you can find some joy today.

[MichiganDaniel]

1 minute ago, Gator M said:

Grief Class for just this reason...Do you have one near you?

Something like that. I haven't connected with them yet.

6 minutes ago, LostThomas said:

 It's a changed life whether I'm ready for it or not.   

Yes. It's a new and strange world now.

[Alone. Again.]

I still hate the weekends. They are so very hard, even when my daughter is here. 

Daniel: I totally get the grieving of your routine as well as the love of your life. I have to find some way of getting through that too. It is all so unfamiliar and painful. I still haven't eaten any eggs, or sat at the table for breakfast. I just can't imagine doing that without seeing his face opposite me. I am three months in. 

Thomas: I know how difficult the weekends have always been particularly hard on our journey, and now you have to deal with them in a new home. I know you are making that new home for you and for Mitzi. Please know that so many of us are thinking of you.

[movingon]

2 hours ago, LostThomas said:

4 hours ago, DanielInMichigan said:

There's nothing to do, because the things we did didn't matter, we just did them together.

 

That is it exactly. It didn't matter how the days were filled, whether idle, doing projects , chores, errands or walking...now it's a stillness, a void, an unbearable ache. I keep as busy as I can doing things around the house and property to distract me so my mind doesn't overtake me, and I walk alot but it is still difficult when I stop and think ..I don't want to be doing this alone, I really don't. 

[Kay78]

1 hour ago, maud said:

That is it exactly. It didn't matter how the days were filled, whether idle, doing projects , chores, errands or walking...now it's a stillness, a void, an unbearable ache. I keep as busy as I can doing things around the house and property to distract me so my mind doesn't overtake me, and I walk alot but it is still difficult when I stop and think ..I don't want to be doing this alone, I really don't. 

100%. It's honestly the ache of wishing they were here with you. I hate when people say they're in a better place, because no the best place for them would be here with the people who love them.

I feel that void and unbearable ache too in the stillness of doing nothing. When I'm alone with nothing to do I just think and think and think and it's agonizing.  And I'm sorry you are sad today. We can be sad together. 

[movingon]

Thank you Kay78. It is much better being sad with others who feel the same. I haven't gotten to the point yet where I can just sit and relax, my mind won't let me. That thinking IS agonizing. I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm hoping the summer might be easier, sitting outside in the sun, finally listening to the birds after this long winter and doing some gardening. Having an off switch for the mind would also help though. 

[KayC]

My heart goes out to you, I remember feeling the same thing, weekends/nights were the hardest, that was our time together (he was barely 51 so never got to retire) and we were always together when not working.  I think the effects of the pandemic have to have exacerbated the grief situation as people were thrust together so long, it changed things.  It has also changed socialization.

I'm sorry everyone has gone back home and left you with your life...alone.  It helps to get out, go for walks, take a neighbor some food, anything to get out and see a friendly face.  I walk twice a day, every day, I have for 30-some years.  It helps.

Maybe in time you can find a group to join, whatever it might be, a pottery class, grief support group, just to get out, meet new people.  In my situation every friend we had disappeared pronto!  I was working and soon lost even my job, had six months to find another and had to commute 100-140 miles/day to find another one.  I found one 5 1/2 months into it (recession, first time I faced age discrimination).  It was hard and it took up much of my time, working/commuting.  I had my hobby (making cards) I did in the evening and caring for my dog and cats, as well as chores on Saturdays.  Church on Sunday.  I see it was having a schedule that saved me.  Retirement was hard, one injury after another, now debilitated hands, that has affected my life so much.  I get caught up in what I have to do (shoveling snow, picking up branches, etc), it doesn't leave me ample time to think.  I think my dog has saved me, he's my incentive to keep going.  But never, never, do I forget my George.  He's in my heart and thoughts every day.  I miss him, I carry him with me, so to speak.

My heart goes out to you.  You're in my thoughts and prayers.

[KayC]

Yesterday was my biggest day of shoveling in one day (this year) 11 1/2" and I was pretty exhausted!  Falling asleep when my head hit the pillow!

I, too, have done my share of hiring, never discriminated against older people.  I was very capable when I went through it!

[KayC]

Young people get handed fancy snowmobiles by their parents to play in...when my kids were young they shoveled elderly people's walks for free!  A difference in generations.  Can't afford also, snow for three months, still a month to go.