I miss my kitty

[kipkipkip]

His name was Kip. I still remember when he was born. It was may 2021, and out of all of the other kittens I saw in the litter, he caught my eye. my family’s always had a bunch of cats. In my entire life, we’ve probably had more than 20 from where we foster them and stuff. But, kip was the only cat I ever felt a true connection with. The only cat I’ve ever really loved. He died by getting hit by a car. It was last year, early in the morning, and when I went outside to feed some of the other cats, he was dead. Laying in the road. Motionless. I couldn’t even cry, I was in so much shock. Nothing felt real. Was I dreaming? Was this really real? Even now, I feel like I can’t even properly process it. I loved his big nose, his soft fur, the way he’d purr and meow loudly and always sit next to me, his cute eyes. I just miss him so much, and I don’t know what to do. When I go on walks sometimes, I see a little kitty that looks similar to him. It makes me feel at ease, even though I know it isn’t him. I don’t know what to do, I’m so lost. I can’t stop thinking about him. And I always wonder if there’s anything I could’ve done to save him. Was him getting hit inevitable? If i wouldntve let him go outside the night before, would he still be okay? If I would’ve gotten up earlier instead of laying in bed, would he still be alive? What do I do?

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss, I know the pain all too well.  I lost my Arlie over 3 1/2 years ago (cancer).  I will never forget him, my perfect dog, beautiful, the best communicator, he had a very tonal language (1/2 Husky, 1/2 Golden Retriever), my gentle giant (got up to 140 lbs), sweet, loving, and the goofiest dog I ever met!  He'd make up games to play.  And so considerate!  How long ago did you lose him?

It's the hardest thing in the world to lose our animal.  I've had cats too, all my adult life, I wasn't allowed to have one growing up.  I lost my last one just over 3 years ago, she was 25 1/2.  Last year I adopted a feral cat, strictly outdoors, he's totally nocturnal and gouges all my outdoor poles hugely.  He has a relationship with my puppy, they totally adore each other and play through the fence or under supervision on the patio.  He loves this place.
When is the right time to get a new pet?
To be honest, you can do this for your kitty in a couple of weeks or a month, as he's had some time to adjust and is showing loneliness.

I remember my counselor friend saying it's not time that does anything, it's what we do with it...getting counseling, grief support groups, reading books/articles on grief, reading/posting on these sites.  All of it helps process our grief.  Not that it's ever truly over, it's not, we love and remember them the rest of our lives. But we eventually incorporate this too into our lives and learn to carry our grief (we can't bury it, it will find and haunt us!) and it evolves in time.

I wrote this article ten years after losing my husband nearly 18 years ago.  I think it can apply in other types of grief.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[KayC]

You can rest assured your kitty is at peace now...

The what ifs blame game happens to most of us going through early grief, it did me when my husband died nearly 18 years ago...it's not that we are guilty of anything but loving them, and the truth is feelings are not facts, but it's that we can't wrap our heads around what happened, and our mind is trying to find some different possible outcome so it searches all the what ifs...

Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers

A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
Breaking the Power of Guilt
A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml
http://www.griefhealing.com/article-loss-and-the-burden-of-guilt.htm
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2019/08/pet-loss-when-guilt-overshadows-grief.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2017/07/pet-loss-when-guilt-goes-unresolved.html

I hope this short video brings you some comfort and peace.

 

[VMac]

@kipkipkip I’m really sorry about your beloved cat and how sad you’re feeling. 

[VMac]

@KayC thank you for the link to the article on A Dangerous Villain: Guilt. I’m going to keep re-reading it as I’ve been struggling with a lot of guilt. Just when I think I’ve got a handle on it, it all hits me in the face again, like today. Sometimes I think I’m being too hard on myself but then I can just list in huge detail all the mistakes I made. It’s torture because I can’t make it up to my cat. They weren’t intentional mistakes but still. I also see now that I didn’t handle my stress levels well at all in what turned out to be the final months of my cat’s life. And this affected him because my stress affected my ability to plan and make the best decisions. I’m so angry with myself for allowing a job and family issues to stress me out. I was preoccupied and distracted and feel I failed to do my best for him. Tomorrow I’ll try writing up the list of what I did/didn’t do for my cat.

[KayC]

This is how life unfolds, we don't have foreknowledge of what's to come.  By easy on yourself.

[VMac]

Thank you @KayC. I’m trying to find a balance between seeing where I did my best but also taking responsibility for where I messed up. Outside of this forum I’ve been urged to focus on the good memories of my cat. Whilst I know this is very well meaning I haven’t found it entirely helpful. Of course I have a lot of wonderful memories of my lovely cat but until I can make sense of why I messed up in certain areas I feel pretty stuck. The heartbreak I feel right now is for him more than myself. Some would say that doesn’t make sense as he’s gone now but it makes sense to me.
 

When I knew my cat was getting on and might not have a lot of time left I knew I’d experience a great loss but also thought if I did my best for him I’d also feel a certain peace after he passed. Well, that’s just not how it played out. I feel the need to keep examining my conscience and hopefully learn from this otherwise his life was in vain. I’ve never felt a pain like this. Sometimes I feel like I’ve been punished somehow for not being a good enough person, like I didn’t deserve my cat. And sometimes I’ve wondered if I can go on but I know that’s not the answer. Sorry if this seems too negative. I do try to see I’m not alone and think of others who are also hurting. This forum has helped.

[KayC]

The hardest person to forgive is ourselves.  It takes working at it.

 

[VMac]

@KayC unfortunately yes. One of my biggest regrets is not decoding my cat’s ‘litter box issues’ in the last year or so of his life. It’s only now that I see I could have tried changes or alternatives that might’ve helped. Instead I got fixated on dealing with the symptoms rather than the root cause and this caused us both stress - i.e. lots of cleaning up, extra laundry, bathing his paws, separate sleeping arrangements at night. He was allowed on my bed as soon as I woke for snuggles and whenever I was in to see his paws were clean but still feel so guilty and incredibly stupid. I keep telling myself that up until late 2021 he’d used the garden and so neither of us where that accustomed to a regular litter box  situation but he was my responsibility

[KayC]

My heart goes out to you, I know this is rough.