Trauma of watching my dad pass away from a heart attack

[Amylynn61584]

3 months ago, my dad, who was my biggest supporter and the rock in my life, had a heart attack infront of me.  The word traumatic seems too mild to even describe it.  He couldn't breath. He turned blue and gasped for every little breath.  He couldn't move.  He couldnt speak  He quit breathing and I had to drag him to the floor and give him cpr. I brought him back.   I gave him cpr for what seemed like forever until the paramedics got there.  He died in the ambulance on the way to the hospital.  I've made it to the point I can get through the days.  I can't talk about him and remember the good times.  But when night time comes and I'm laying down to go to sleep, the entire incident replays over and over in my mind.  Every detail. The way he looked at me and then his eyes moved to look at my one year old who kept trying to climb on him.  That look of fear.  Not for him but for fear for me and my children.   The way his skin felt.  The noises he made.  It doesn't stop.  I cry myself to sleep most nights.  Then I usually have dreams of him dying.   How long does this last? Has anyone experienced anything similar and have suggestions on what will help me.  My heart aches because I miss him so bad but my mental state from the trauma of it is almost worse.  How long can this go on??? 

[Traz]

Dear Amylynn,

Please accept my sincere condolences on the loss of your much loved and precious father. Losing one of the most important people in your life in that manner is nothing short of horrific. I am so sorry you had to witness that.

I know my therapist explained to me that our brains will continue to go over and over an event like that, in order to make sense of it. Eventually, with time your brain will put it in a 'file' and store it away. It will always be there, but it will be processed and not as intense or terrifying as in the beginning.  It's different for everyone, but I'm guessing it could take months or even a couple of years? I'm not an expert but have dealt with trauma in my own life. I would maybe suggest a trauma/grief counselor or therapist if you feel like this is something you can't deal with on your own.

Seeing the look of fear on your dad's face must have been so very upsetting and you probably felt helpless. When you said it was not for himself, but for you and your baby - that shows how much he loves you both. I am sure he didn't want you to be afraid, as it's our instinct to protect our kids. Even quite literally, to our last breath. Try to take a small bit of comfort that he did not pass alone. You were there for him, trying to help him and he knows this. 

I will tell you something I mention to people on this forum, because it gave me such comfort when my mom died - And that is watching Near Death Experiences on YouTube. Particularly the videos made by Anthony Chene Productions. I'm not religious but I do believe in a higher power if you will. The people in those videos clinically 'died' and came back. What they describe gave me such hope and strengthened my belief system about death not being the end.

It is a process, like being born. There's labor and pain involved. But upon actual death, your consciousness or spirit is freed from pain. I truly believe your dad is now in his perfect and true state of consciousness, free from pain and the burdens of life on earth. 

It's us - those left behind who continue to suffer. But we will come to terms with our losses and find meaning and joy in life once again. 

I wish you strength and peace. 

Traz