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Another Day of Trying to not cry and not making it threw


mrsduc

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I look at the world so diferently now since Robert has died. People that mean well and try to talk to me about their day to day problems and I just want to scream at them How lucky you have kids that drive you crazy or why is that so important, my son is dead. But I stay quiet. My two sisters try to tell me they understand because they both lost a baby within 3 weeks of the babies life. I am sorry if this offense anyone, but I can't see how having a 3 week old baby dying and a grown 32 year old son dying the samething. But I keep my mouth shut. Either its the two sisters that lost their baby or people that have never had kids try to tell me you get over it. Just get on with life. We found on my sons computer the starting of a suicide note and the first thing he said was I know you all will be sad for a brief time but you'll forget me soon and move on. Almost like he did not really know how much I or others loved him. I cannot and will not ever be the same. I live and try to function each day but there is not a moment that I keep thinking of him and watching the phone hoping he would call and tell me that its just a real sick joke. But I know that this won't happen. Today I had a bout of anger towards him. Only for a moment. Because if you knew my son, and I mean really knew him you would understand why he did what he did. But he not only cheated himself out of the rest of his life, and possibly finding love, and who knows what else he could of done, but he also cheated all that loved him more time to spend with him. I kind of feel if he had been in a car accident it might of been easier than knowing he did this on purpose. I am tortured inside. I just feel like my love was not enough to try and help and save him. But I know for me that I could not change his past nor mine and I did the best that I could with what was dealt me. I wonder if he sees me and knows my pain. I wonder if he is sorry that he did it. I doubt that for when I sat in his apartment after cleaning it. I sat on the box spring on the side he died on and I could feel him so strong and then I heard him say as clear and if he were alive, "Sorry mom, but I had to do it." I am so sorry that he felt he had not other choice but to leave this earth. He always would help any and all his so called friends but my son laid in his apartment for over 2 weeks because friends and neighbors didn't think it was weird that my son who was always taking his dogs out for walks had not seen him. It hurts so knowing that he died alone. I am tortured wondering what his last thoughts were before he went into his hazy drug induced state. I know that I will never know. I just don't know what to do to be able to move on. I have the last memorial on Saturday with my ex and his side and not looking forward to this at all. My ex and I are fine but it is everyone else. But after the memorial service then what. Does everyone think that I can just say ok, he's gone the memorials are over so I must go on, I don't know what to do after Saturday. I spent last week working on the memorial in CA and what I would say and then this week I have spent days working on notebooks for every member of the ex family with over 30 pictures in them of my son with either them or just him alone. I am like obsessed and now I don't know what to do. Doees anyone know how this feels. Am I feeling normal or what?

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I look at the world so diferently now since Robert has died. People that mean well and try to talk to me about their day to day problems and I just want to scream at them How lucky you have kids that drive you crazy or why is that so important, my son is dead. But I stay quiet. My two sisters try to tell me they understand because they both lost a baby within 3 weeks of the babies life. I am sorry if this offense anyone, but I can't see how having a 3 week old baby dying and a grown 32 year old son dying the samething. But I keep my mouth shut. Either its the two sisters that lost their baby or people that have never had kids try to tell me you get over it. Just get on with life. We found on my sons computer the starting of a suicide note and the first thing he said was I know you all will be sad for a brief time but you'll forget me soon and move on. Almost like he did not really know how much I or others loved him. I cannot and will not ever be the same. I live and try to function each day but there is not a moment that I keep thinking of him and watching the phone hoping he would call and tell me that its just a real sick joke. But I know that this won't happen. Today I had a bout of anger towards him. Only for a moment. Because if you knew my son, and I mean really knew him you would understand why he did what he did. But he not only cheated himself out of the rest of his life, and possibly finding love, and who knows what else he could of done, but he also cheated all that loved him more time to spend with him. I kind of feel if he had been in a car accident it might of been easier than knowing he did this on purpose. I am tortured inside. I just feel like my love was not enough to try and help and save him. But I know for me that I could not change his past nor mine and I did the best that I could with what was dealt me. I wonder if he sees me and knows my pain. I wonder if he is sorry that he did it. I doubt that for when I sat in his apartment after cleaning it. I sat on the box spring on the side he died on and I could feel him so strong and then I heard him say as clear and if he were alive, "Sorry mom, but I had to do it." I am so sorry that he felt he had not other choice but to leave this earth. He always would help any and all his so called friends but my son laid in his apartment for over 2 weeks because friends and neighbors didn't think it was weird that my son who was always taking his dogs out for walks had not seen him. It hurts so knowing that he died alone. I am tortured wondering what his last thoughts were before he went into his hazy drug induced state. I know that I will never know. I just don't know what to do to be able to move on. I have the last memorial on Saturday with my ex and his side and not looking forward to this at all. My ex and I are fine but it is everyone else. But after the memorial service then what. Does everyone think that I can just say ok, he's gone the memorials are over so I must go on, I don't know what to do after Saturday. I spent last week working on the memorial in CA and what I would say and then this week I have spent days working on notebooks for every member of the ex family with over 30 pictures in them of my son with either them or just him alone. I am like obsessed and now I don't know what to do. Doees anyone know how this feels. Am I feeling normal or what?

YES, you are normal. All the feelings you are having are very normal and real. I was talking to my 25yrs old son the other day and had to tell him the real reason Kevin passed. He knew most of it but he's in prison and I wanted to tell him all of it in person, that didn't happen so I had to tell him on the phone. He has suffered from depression in the past, was a cutter and bi-polar, so I was worried about how he would react. He has done alot of growing up over the last few years, I guess prison will do that to you. He had also in the past made 2 suicide attempts that I know of. He told me the was glad he failed because seeing what Kevin's death has done to our family just hurts him so much. At the time he didn't think about what it would do to us, he just was in so much pain he couldn't see beyond it. Now he sees how much love we have for all our kids and what his brothers death has done. I do believe your son sees your hurt and pain and I'd bet if he had it to do over he would still be here. The only way to move on is one baby step, one minute, and one tear at a time. You WILL make it, just as we all will, but it does hurt. Sending you extra hugs and prayers. Vivian-Kevin's Mom

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Yes, we do look at things so very differently now, because everything has been changed and rearranged, including ourselves. We have been shaken to our very core, and everything we once believed in and hoped for is either gone or severely challenged. All the varying emotions are normal, especially anger. There is no answer or consolation to be found in questioning "why"....no answer would ever be good enough to justify the death of our child, or in some cases, our children. Yes, people will drive you mad with their senseless complaining. Often we find ourselves envious of others. It's not a pleasant emotion to be faced with, this envy and resentment towards others who seem to have it far better than us....these people who do not realize how fortunate they are to not be marred by such devastating and profound loss. It is okay to rant and scream and rage here. We each "get it", because unfortunately we too have experienced this torment. That being said, I feel compelled to stress that although this is the Loss of an Adult Child Forum, all are welcomed and embraced regardless of the age of our children. Those in your family who lost infants suffered a loss that is both similar and uniquely different from the loss you have suffered. No, they did not get the opportunity to develop that relationship with their children that grows and strengthens over a lifetime, but each child was no doubt anticipated, hoped for, loved beyond measure, and ultimately lost. Those women had dreams for their babies that were never realized. They too lost that future, the one they dreamed of, all the milestones and "firsts". No doubt they have looked upon you with envy, possibly resenting the years you had with your child.....years and time that they were denied.

My daughter, Shannon, was killed 5 months ago in a car accident. She was a perfectly healthy 16 year old girl with hopes, dreams, and plans for her future. We hugged goodbye, exchanged I love You's. and 3 minutes later she was dead. I find myself envying those like you who had their children for longer than I had her. Then I remember that the length of time is of no significance. It's the loss of the child, regardless of their age or the circumstance of their death, that matters. There are many differences among all of us here, but the one unchanging commonality is the fact that we have lost that one person who is so valuable, so treasured that it tears us asunder. Here, no loss is greater than another. Please try to remember that when you post as there are those among us who have lost infants, toddlers, elementary aged children, teenagers, and various ages of adult children. I've no doubt that you would never intentionally be insensitive, but comparing the loss can be insensitive to others who are also hurting and struggling through this darkness. My hope is that you receive my words in the compassion they are intended. My prayer is that you find some small measure of peace tonight, and that you can know, maybe even feel, the presence and love of your son.

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I had a relative tell me that keeping my sons urn in my house was opening me up to having the devil take over me and my home and that I need to get the urn out of my house immediately. This relative I adored growing up and I knowthat he is very religious, but I told him that I knew my son's soul was in Heaven, but I needed to have his ashes of his body right now. He said I am only opening myself and my home to demons and bad evil stuff. So I have desided that we will not talk unless I have to because I had never heard having a urn of a loved one in your home would open you up for the Devil to take over.

I am trying everyday to get thru it only because my thoughts say ok that makes me one day older so I am one day closer to dying so I can be with my son. Thats all I think about. No I would not kill myself, but I know that if at this moment I found out that I had a cancer or something and could possible live with treatment, I cannot say I would go thru the treatment. There is no fight in me to live and go on. But I try to go on. I am suppose to be getting excited because 8 of us (Robert would of been the 8th) are going on a cruise in May. Now Robert will only be going in alittle bottle so I can put some of him in the ocean like he wanted. Not the way I wanted him to go there with me. At night I can't sleep so I go to the living room open up the curio where Robert's urn is and grab it and hug it and kiss it and talk to him and cry. My husband is trying to understand but it was not his son and they really didn't get along until the last year. Just thank you for answering me and making me feel alittle normal. I have never gone thru this and I use to hear things like kids dying before their parents and it would make me very sad, but I had no idea the depth of the pain it causes when you loose a child (adult or small) would be until it happened to me. I do believe that each of us have a time to die. And the only person that knows when it will be is God. And I do believe that God was calling him because it was his time, otherwise to me he would not of succeeded. I may be wrong in my thinking but that is how I see it.

YES, you are normal. All the feelings you are having are very normal and real. I was talking to my 25yrs old son the other day and had to tell him the real reason Kevin passed. He knew most of it but he's in prison and I wanted to tell him all of it in person, that didn't happen so I had to tell him on the phone. He has suffered from depression in the past, was a cutter and bi-polar, so I was worried about how he would react. He has done alot of growing up over the last few years, I guess prison will do that to you. He had also in the past made 2 suicide attempts that I know of. He told me the was glad he failed because seeing what Kevin's death has done to our family just hurts him so much. At the time he didn't think about what it would do to us, he just was in so much pain he couldn't see beyond it. Now he sees how much love we have for all our kids and what his brothers death has done. I do believe your son sees your hurt and pain and I'd bet if he had it to do over he would still be here. The only way to move on is one baby step, one minute, and one tear at a time. You WILL make it, just as we all will, but it does hurt. Sending you extra hugs and prayers. Vivian-Kevin's Mom

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I do not believe in any way keeping the urn with your son's ashes in the house will bring anything but comfort to you at a time you need it most. My ex couldn't keep any of Kevin's ashes, said it would hurt too much, but understood my need to keep some. As mothers we do what we need to do get make it a little easier to handle the pain we have in our lives right now. I don't know of anywhere in the Bible that sais it's wrong to keep the ashes. Maybe I missed it but don't think so. I do know our sons are now angels and what was left behind is only shell they used while on this earth for the short time they were here. Still can't see how keeping thier ashes or burying them would matter. Sorry you have to put up with words like that from family. Vivian-Kevin's mom

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Your last words echo the thoughts that have been in my mind and heart, but I have not voiced them until now. I also think that everyday I live in this misery is one day closer to my leaving this world and reuniting with my daughter. I don't think I would care much if I were terminally ill, probably no treatment for me either.....but then I think of my other daughter and get upset with myself....here comes the guilt again....do I not love her enough to stay and fight??? Makes me feel like a bad mom:(

As Dee has often said, one foot in both worlds....boy, does it tear us apart! We want to be with the child taken from us, separated from us, and yet we are bound by that same love to stay present in this life. Tough place to be.

I also always felt such sadness for those who lost a child, but I had no idea what they were going through....how could anyone be able to imagine the reality of this torment?

Five months out and I'm still questioning this reality.....how could I have lost her? How could this have happened? My brain knows, but my heart resists the truth. My heart runs and hides....more like the pieces of this shattered heart scatter and hide.

As for this person who is telling you that you are inviting evil into your home by keeping your son's urn and ashes inside your home, well that's just crazy religious talk. God bless him....he probably believes wholeheartedly that he is doing the right thing by telling you this.....he's probably genuinely sincere, but REALLY? Borrowing from Susannah here: God forgive stupid people for they know not that they are stupid.......There's a book spoken of often here.....the book of stupid things said to those of us grieving such a horrific loss, and this one definitely belongs in THE BOOK.

How is holding your son's urn and crying for him any different than going to a cemetery to visit and cry at a grave? That's just a strange belief.....makes no sense at all. You hold on to your son and grieve for him anyway that you want. He's your son, and I believe that he can hear every word you speak to him. I believe he is witness to your tears and knows the depth of your love for him. And I believe he loves you and radiates that love toward you. We cannot see them, we cannot feel them the way we once could, but that bond of love and relationship is never broken.

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I am so sorry to all that I might have hurt in what I said about infants compared to an adult child. I did not mean no pain to anyone. I am not that type of person.

Yes, we do look at things so very differently now, because everything has been changed and rearranged, including ourselves. We have been shaken to our very core, and everything we once believed in and hoped for is either gone or severely challenged. All the varying emotions are normal, especially anger. There is no answer or consolation to be found in questioning "why"....no answer would ever be good enough to justify the death of our child, or in some cases, our children. Yes, people will drive you mad with their senseless complaining. Often we find ourselves envious of others. It's not a pleasant emotion to be faced with, this envy and resentment towards others who seem to have it far better than us....these people who do not realize how fortunate they are to not be marred by such devastating and profound loss. It is okay to rant and scream and rage here. We each "get it", because unfortunately we too have experienced this torment. That being said, I feel compelled to stress that although this is the Loss of an Adult Child Forum, all are welcomed and embraced regardless of the age of our children. Those in your family who lost infants suffered a loss that is both similar and uniquely different from the loss you have suffered. No, they did not get the opportunity to develop that relationship with their children that grows and strengthens over a lifetime, but each child was no doubt anticipated, hoped for, loved beyond measure, and ultimately lost. Those women had dreams for their babies that were never realized. They too lost that future, the one they dreamed of, all the milestones and "firsts". No doubt they have looked upon you with envy, possibly resenting the years you had with your child.....years and time that they were denied.

My daughter, Shannon, was killed 5 months ago in a car accident. She was a perfectly healthy 16 year old girl with hopes, dreams, and plans for her future. We hugged goodbye, exchanged I love You's. and 3 minutes later she was dead. I find myself envying those like you who had their children for longer than I had her. Then I remember that the length of time is of no significance. It's the loss of the child, regardless of their age or the circumstance of their death, that matters. There are many differences among all of us here, but the one unchanging commonality is the fact that we have lost that one person who is so valuable, so treasured that it tears us asunder. Here, no loss is greater than another. Please try to remember that when you post as there are those among us who have lost infants, toddlers, elementary aged children, teenagers, and various ages of adult children. I've no doubt that you would never intentionally be insensitive, but comparing the loss can be insensitive to others who are also hurting and struggling through this darkness. My hope is that you receive my words in the compassion they are intended. My prayer is that you find some small measure of peace tonight, and that you can know, maybe even feel, the presence and love of your son.

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Of course you meant no harm. We often get caught up in emotion here, the anger and torment flowing from our shattered hearts. It happens. Most of us have been there and done that same thing. I do hope that I did not offend you or hurt your feelings. That was not my intention.

I am so sorry to all that I might have hurt in what I said about infants compared to an adult child. I did not mean no pain to anyone. I am not that type of person.

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1329964534' post='84302']

Yes, we do look at things so very differently now, because everything has been changed and rearranged, including ourselves. We have been shaken to our very core, and everything we once believed in and hoped for is either gone or severely challenged. All the varying emotions are normal, especially anger. There is no answer or consolation to be found in questioning "why"....no answer would ever be good enough to justify the death of our child, or in some cases, our children. Yes, people will drive you mad with their senseless complaining. Often we find ourselves envious of others. It's not a pleasant emotion to be faced with, this envy and resentment towards others who seem to have it far better than us....these people who do not realize how fortunate they are to not be marred by such devastating and profound loss. It is okay to rant and scream and rage here. We each "get it", because unfortunately we too have experienced this torment. That being said, I feel compelled to stress that although this is the Loss of an Adult Child Forum, all are welcomed and embraced regardless of the age of our children. Those in your family who lost infants suffered a loss that is both similar and uniquely different from the loss you have suffered. No, they did not get the opportunity to develop that relationship with their children that grows and strengthens over a lifetime, but each child was no doubt anticipated, hoped for, loved beyond measure, and ultimately lost. Those women had dreams for their babies that were never realized. They too lost that future, the one they dreamed of, all the milestones and "firsts". No doubt they have looked upon you with envy, possibly resenting the years you had with your child.....years and time that they were denied.

My daughter, Shannon, was killed 5 months ago in a car accident. She was a perfectly healthy 16 year old girl with hopes, dreams, and plans for her future. We hugged goodbye, exchanged I love You's. and 3 minutes later she was dead. I find myself envying those like you who had their children for longer than I had her. Then I remember that the length of time is of no significance. It's the loss of the child, regardless of their age or the circumstance of their death, that matters. There are many differences among all of us here, but the one unchanging commonality is the fact that we have lost that one person who is so valuable, so treasured that it tears us asunder. Here, no loss is greater than another. Please try to remember that when you post as there are those among us who have lost infants, toddlers, elementary aged children, teenagers, and various ages of adult children. I've no doubt that you would never intentionally be insensitive, but comparing the loss can be insensitive to others who are also hurting and struggling through this darkness. My hope is that you receive my words in the compassion they are intended. My prayer is that you find some small measure of peace tonight, and that you can know, maybe even feel, the presence and love of your son.

Susan,

Thank you for your compassionate understanding that sometimes those of us who are new do not understand the sensitivity issues. However, I hope no one will get offended. I truly do not want to hurt anyone. But I need to talk about this. I find it incredibly painful when someone who has had a miscarriage, or lost a 1 week old baby tells me they understand. In fact, I cannot say any of "the stupid things people say" has made me angry. But that has. Someone talked to me right after Rachael died and assured me they fully understood my feelings. When they told me the child was 1 week old, I felt like someone had punched me in the stomach and taken my breath away. In fact, I would have to say that, for me, that was the most incredibly painful thing to experience. It upsets me even now remembering. I am a compassionate person and have always been even before Rachael died. I cannot imagine the devastating loss of a baby. How tragic, how heartbreaking, truly it would be a nightmare. But, I simply cannot deal with what I feel is trivializing my daughter's life. I am not comparing the losses. I know the other person hurts. But there are many years and a lifetime of experiences. There are many successes and failures as a parent that I am processing and dealing with. I feel I am defending my daughter's life, that she DID live. I do not understand why I am the one doing this. Why I am supposed to accept that a miscarriage,or infant is the same thing as my daughter. I have had both said to me. I have had this happen actually numerous times since her death. Well, I have had 2 miscarriages, and for me it was not the same, not by a long shot. Not even remotely.It is OK, if you tell me you have lost a child too. But it is not OK to assure me you know "exactly" how I feel. I am sorry if anyone is offended. I do not mean to offend. I am just trying to process and understand. Any answers anyone can give me is fine, and I will not be offended for anyone to speak frankly and tell me If I am incorrect in how I feel. I would appreciate thoughts on his, because it has been something recurring that has happened.

Maddy

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I read through all your posts and I wanted to tell you that I have felt both ways. Sometimes when somebody has told me they know how I feel because they had a miscarriage (I have never experienced that tragedy in my own life), I feel strangely comforted, although I know the loss is very different. Sometimes when that has been said to me, it almost makes me angry. It depends more on me and how I'm feeling at the time, I believe than on who is telling me that, or the actual circumstances of their loss. What is said when people are trying to comfort you, I have found, is almost less important than why they are saying it. I believe that when people are saying that they understand because they had a miscarriage, it is not that the losses are comparable. No losses are comparable because no two children are alike, no two babies. I believe that the person telling you this is trying to say that they have had loss too, and they know that loss hurts unbelievably more than you ever think it will. If I'm thinking clearly, which I often am not, I will take that kind of comfort over the kind that seems to say "I'm sorry for your loss, that will never happen to me because I am me and it wouldn't dare happen to me." Does any of this make any sense? I have come to believe that everyone has loss in their life, either in the past or now or coming up, and those who have already had some of their's, usually do understand better than those whose losses are yet to come. I think they are trying to identify with and sympathize with us, the only way they know how. When they say "exactly", it is a poor choice of words probably, but I think most people who go to the trouble to acknowledge our loss to our faces have good intentions and don't mean to be hurtful with their choice of words. I do have trouble with people who say "I lost my dog that I loved like a child, so I know how you feel" that is totally out of line if you ask me, but I suppose their intentions are good, too, just more of a stretch for me to accept that they truly have experienced loss. I know people love their animals, but animals are not people, and certainly not on the same level as your child. My two cents, take it for what its worth.

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1330010188' post='84331']

I read through all your posts and I wanted to tell you that I have felt both ways. Sometimes when somebody has told me they know how I feel because they had a miscarriage (I have never experienced that tragedy in my own life), I feel strangely comforted, although I know the loss is very different. Sometimes when that has been said to me, it almost makes me angry. It depends more on me and how I'm feeling at the time, I believe than on who is telling me that, or the actual circumstances of their loss. What is said when people are trying to comfort you, I have found, is almost less important than why they are saying it. I believe that when people are saying that they understand because they had a miscarriage, it is not that the losses are comparable. No losses are comparable because no two children are alike, no two babies. I believe that the person telling you this is trying to say that they have had loss too, and they know that loss hurts unbelievably more than you ever think it will. If I'm thinking clearly, which I often am not, I will take that kind of comfort over the kind that seems to say "I'm sorry for your loss, that will never happen to me because I am me and it wouldn't dare happen to me." Does any of this make any sense? I have come to believe that everyone has loss in their life, either in the past or now or coming up, and those who have already had some of their's, usually do understand better than those whose losses are yet to come. I think they are trying to identify with and sympathize with us, the only way they know how. When they say "exactly", it is a poor choice of words probably, but I think most people who go to the trouble to acknowledge our loss to our faces have good intentions and don't mean to be hurtful with their choice of words. I do have trouble with people who say "I lost my dog that I loved like a child, so I know how you feel" that is totally out of line if you ask me, but I suppose their intentions are good, too, just more of a stretch for me to accept that they truly have experienced loss. I know people love their animals, but animals are not people, and certainly not on the same level as your child. My two cents, take it for what its worth.

Rhonda,Yes it does make sense and you helped me a lot. I do not understand why it makes me so angry and hurt, but it does. I feel like I am defending my daughter's life. So maybe if I can do as you suggest......think of it as their best efforts to comfort me. I can understand that. And maybe if I can chalk the words "exactly," up as their poor choice of words, then I can understand that too. Heaven knows, I have certainly had my fair share of....a poor choice of words ;-) ....... Thank you for your response and helping me to understand how to process those conversations in a more healthy way. Also, I guess I feel like .....if you can forgive that and do that, then I can too :-). Thank you for listening :-)

Maddy

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I had a miscarrage about 12 yrs ago and I do not see it as the same as loosing my 28yrs old son. It was a painful event but this is a whole different thing. My sister, who has always been the "feel sorry for me" kind of person lost her daughter to SIDS when she was 5 months old. When Kevin first passed I asked my mom to call her to tell her because I just couldn't go through the "feel sorry for me" that she always brought into everything. When she called me a few hrs later, I was shocked and extremlly greatful to her for her response. She told me she understood the pain of loosing a child, but could never understand the depth of my pain. She said she only had her little one 5 months and couldn't even imagine what I must be going through after having Kevin 28 yrs. As I said this suprised me beyond belief. I know anytime we loose a child, no matter what the age, it turns our world upside down. I don't think the people that lost a baby are really trying to put themselves on our level but I do think they understand in a way and it's the only way they can express themselves. At the same time when I hear those people say that to me I have to remind myself that I DON"T know what it's like to loose a baby (miscarrage, Yes, but not a baby) and the pain it must bring wondering what kind of person he/she would have been. Now as far as the "I lost my dog who was just like my child", yeah, I'm not a violent person but go ahead and deck um. lol. It's ok to be upset and even angry when hurtful things are said to you, it's a normal part of this. I do think, whenever I've read the painful stories like this, you've handled it in a great way. Come here and let off steam, we've all been there and still are. Hugs and prayers to you all. Vivian-Kevin's Mom

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I had a relative tell me that keeping my sons urn in my house was opening me up to having the devil take over me and my home and that I need to get the urn out of my house immediately. This relative I adored growing up and I knowthat he is very religious, but I told him that I knew my son's soul was in Heaven, but I needed to have his ashes of his body right now. He said I am only opening myself and my home to demons and bad evil stuff. So I have desided that we will not talk unless I have to because I had never heard having a urn of a loved one in your home would open you up for the Devil to take over.

I am trying everyday to get thru it only because my thoughts say ok that makes me one day older so I am one day closer to dying so I can be with my son. Thats all I think about. No I would not kill myself, but I know that if at this moment I found out that I had a cancer or something and could possible live with treatment, I cannot say I would go thru the treatment. There is no fight in me to live and go on. But I try to go on. I am suppose to be getting excited because 8 of us (Robert would of been the 8th) are going on a cruise in May. Now Robert will only be going in alittle bottle so I can put some of him in the ocean like he wanted. Not the way I wanted him to go there with me. At night I can't sleep so I go to the living room open up the curio where Robert's urn is and grab it and hug it and kiss it and talk to him and cry. My husband is trying to understand but it was not his son and they really didn't get along until the last year. Just thank you for answering me and making me feel alittle normal. I have never gone thru this and I use to hear things like kids dying before their parents and it would make me very sad, but I had no idea the depth of the pain it causes when you loose a child (adult or small) would be until it happened to me. I do believe that each of us have a time to die. And the only person that knows when it will be is God. And I do believe that God was calling him because it was his time, otherwise to me he would not of succeeded. I may be wrong in my thinking but that is how I see it.

Msduc,

I couldn't help rolling my eyes and saying "good grief" as I read your post. Some people have some strange old ideas, don't they? Keeping your son's ashes in your home does not invite Satan or any other "demon" into your house. And if it gives you comfort, that is ALL that matters. Make no mistake- I absolutely believe in the enemy, but I know he isn't what Hollywood says he is. He doesn't "hang out" in a place where a mother is showing her love for her son. We took Chrissy's ashes to her beach and let her go, but I kept all the perfect little shells she left for us. They are in a decorated little box she gave me on the bookcase, and I am comforted by them. So you keep that urn msduc! and cherish the comfort IT gives YOU. If the choice had been mine to make, I don't know HOW long I might have kept Chrissy's ashes close....

The family and I have had some discussions about not "clinging" to this life anymore, so I know what you are feeling. I have been pretty clear with them all- I am in remission right now, but if the cancer ever comes back, the ONLY reason I would go through treatment again is because of them. I really have no desire to do it, but that makes my husband and other two kids feel like they aren't as important. I can't let them feel that way. I love Chrissy more than my life, but I love my husband,Cory and Bobby the same way. I thank God for them every day. msduc, we plug on for them and there are still more wonderful memories to make. The cruise sounds like a wonderful idea! Take lots of pictures and give yourself the chance to enjoy your family and how much you all mean to each other. Love is a gift!

Robyn

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Msduc,

I couldn't help rolling my eyes and saying "good grief" as I read your post. Some people have some strange old ideas, don't they? Keeping your son's ashes in your home does not invite Satan or any other "demon" into your house. And if it gives you comfort, that is ALL that matters. Make no mistake- I absolutely believe in the enemy, but I know he isn't what Hollywood says he is. He doesn't "hang out" in a place where a mother is showing her love for her son. We took Chrissy's ashes to her beach and let her go, but I kept all the perfect little shells she left for us. They are in a decorated little box she gave me on the bookcase, and I am comforted by them. So you keep that urn msduc! and cherish the comfort IT gives YOU. If the choice had been mine to make, I don't know HOW long I might have kept Chrissy's ashes close....

The family and I have had some discussions about not "clinging" to this life anymore, so I know what you are feeling. I have been pretty clear with them all- I am in remission right now, but if the cancer ever comes back, the ONLY reason I would go through treatment again is because of them. I really have no desire to do it, but that makes my husband and other two kids feel like they aren't as important. I can't let them feel that way. I love Chrissy more than my life, but I love my husband,Cory and Bobby the same way. I thank God for them every day. msduc, we plug on for them and there are still more wonderful memories to make. The cruise sounds like a wonderful idea! Take lots of pictures and give yourself the chance to enjoy your family and how much you all mean to each other. Love is a gift!

Robyn

Someone said not long ago we needed a "like" button an this site the same as on Facebook, can't agree more, but since there isn't one here's my attempt. "LIKE"

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Vivian,What your sister told you was so kind. She validated your loss and did not try to diminish your loss by comparing it to hers. I guess that was what I felt by these people for what they did. It is funny because they are the only ones I can remember having this reaction to. I guess it was like they would not stop and they kept insisting their loss was equal to mine. I just stared at them because I was numb and wigged out at the time. Also because what they were saying was so incredibly painful. I need to think the way Rhonda suggested, or else I will still want to post them one this many years later. I think I might have gotten the dog one from somewhere too, though. I think the first time the comment comes I can let it roll off, I truly do not easily get upset by people's comments. But these people were very insistent, even kind of obnoxious about comparing their loss. It was probably something they were struggling with and they never intended to make me feel that way.

Mrsduc,I know we had talked a while back about this relative's crazy beliefs. But I just had to add to Robyn and Vivien, this is "crazy," and anyone putting that type of bondage on a grieving mother is whacked!!! I would hold Rachael's picture urn to my chest and cry. When we first got her ashes back it was very emotional for me. I loved that she was cremated so I could "hold" her. Please completely ignore this whacko belief of this person and feel free to cry and love on your precious son and his ashes. I love Rachael's ashes on my mantel because our family is "all" here together for holidays. I have even gotten that......we are all here together......feeling a time or two, knowing she was with us. I know you have a lot of respect for your relative, but what they are telling you is something called "legalism." just tell them...if that is his belief, to follow it, and leave you the freedom to follow your own belief and allow you to grieve for your son.

That is just my thoughts and I am sorry if I offended anyone.

Love,Maddy

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Oh Maddy,

You are so right in your thoughts and feelings. I also miscarried my first pregnancy, and although it broke my heart, and I wept and mourned for that precious little life, it is not the same as what I have experienced surrounding the death of Shannon. I do remember feeling guilty, as though it were my fault that I could not protect that little life from death. I cried and pored my heart out to God, but I don't remember being angry....seems that loss was kinder to me, gentler and softer to come to terms with. I think that the longer a mother carries that child within her womb, feels the movement of life, hears that heartbeat, marks those first milestones in that little ones life, and begins planning and dreaming, well the longer that goes on, the harder the loss must be to tolerate.

There is another mother who posts in Loss of an Adult Child's main forum, her name fails me at the moment, but she has lost 2 children. A daughter many years ago at the tender age of 6 months, and an adult son more recently. I have to go into work right now, but later I will message you her name.....maybe you can PM her and ask those questions. I've no doubt that she would be willing to explain the difference and similarities between those two losses, and it may provide the insight you are searching for.

I absolutely understand the anger and the envy....it's part of our journey and a huge part of our human nature. No one will fault you your feelings and thoughts and questions. My comments in my earlier post were intended to be a gentle reminder that there are many of us here struggling to find our way.....I'm sure that those parents who have lost an infant find it hard to relate to those of us who had our children for longer, and it's natural for each of us to feel the need to defend the life of our child.....to say they were here, they existed, they mattered, they were loved and wanted and cherished.....that love, that bond is what brings us together an weaves this tapestry of loss and sorrow.

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