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Message to Career Grievers


Kenn

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I have something that I need to say on this. Nobody...and I mean NOBODY has the right to tell ANYBODY how long to grieve. Today after twenty years I still feel the loss of my mother and father...and my very close friend Michelle. My son who has been dead for two years. I will never be totally over the emptiness that has been left by the people that I love who have died. It is a mark of respect. I remember each and every special occasion that we shared as if it were yesterday. And thank heaven for that! I loved them and even in their death I know they loved me. It helps to keep me going. We will ALWAYS remember them with our deepest love and hope to be reunited. Nobody is going to tell me otherwise!

Professional griever? Makes me wonder if they have ever actually been there?

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Not sure how this thread got started but.... I can honestly say that when I looked at the things I wanted to make a career out of, 'Professional Griever' didn't quite make the cut.

I had ample experience in the field of loss. The normal, grandparents, then a stillborn, father, nephew, mother and of course my son. Up until Mikes death, grief was something I didn't have time to 'indulge' in. Life needed to go on.

I carry the 'loss' of my father close in my heart and have done for 32yrs. We were close and I miss him in my life. The 'loss' of my son will be with me forever. It was the one that altered my very being and set me adrift on a sea of 'don't know'.

I have read a number of books, articles, studies on grief over the years....many before losing Mike. A couple of things came through. There is no precise timeline, its more of an individual thing. The way in which people grieve is unique to them. How they express their grief is also a very individual thing.

So whoever posted this original thread, please educate me on what exactly is a Professional Griever and explain the criteria to me. Closest I can come is that once experienced this loss gives us an insight to a journey that no one chose and in turn we connect with others that share similar experiences.

Peace love light to all Indigo's B)

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From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Career is defined by the Oxford English Dictionary as a person's "course or progress through life (or a distinct portion of life)".

It can also pertain to anoccupation or a profession that usually involves special training or formaleducation, and is considered to be aperson’s lifework.

I started this thread intending it to be an encouragement to people like me who have had extended periods of grief forced on us. When I realized how many people were offended by the term Career Grievers, I deleted it. I would have deleted the thread entirely but I wasn't able to do that.

When I considered people's opposition to the term I understood what they thought the term meant, so I said I'm not a career griever. I went on to explain how I have had multiple grief experiences over the last 15 years and it feels like it has become a job to me.

Living with grief is a job that none of us would want, and managing to hold our lives together is quite a challenge to say the least. I said before that I'm not a Career Griever, but I have now changed my mind. It's the course or progress that my life has been on for a very long time now. I'll always be living with grief, but I won't allow grief to destroy me. I'll keep working at doing a good job of keeping my life together, while I'm getting better every day at handling grief. It is a tough Career that was forced on me, but since I have to live with it, I'll keep learning how to do it better.

Don't worry if none of this makes any sense to you, I'm a terrible communicator. I'm a horse of a different color, so I think different than normal people.

Have a wonderful night.

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I did intepret your post 'literally'. Grief isn't something I 'choose'. Its almost like an involuntary behaviour. It is triggered without warning, continues to impact on my daily living, career and personality. So I guess I was coming from the idea that I was now a professional griever, when in fact my chosen profession was lost to grief.

(Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, M.D.)

First Stage: Denial and Isolation - Often our initial reaction is shock and numbing resulting in denial. Denial is usually temporary, being replaced very gradually with partial acceptance. However, if there has been a history of trauma or loss and/or a history of resistant denial, this stage may be more difficult to transcend and may lead to more severe isolation.

Second Stage: Anger - Denial gradually gives way to anger, rage, envy and resentment. This stage can be very difficult for family and friends to cope with. However, with patience, listening, understanding and respect, family members and friends can help the transition through this stage as well.

Third Stage: Bargaining - In this stage, we revisit our childhood tendencies to bargain: If you do this, then I'll do that! However, its really an attempt to postpone the inevitability of the loss or trauma. "I won't be angry at you God, if you show me the reason he died." It also works subtly as a defense against any guilt we may be experiencing.

Fouth Stage: Depression - This is the stage that the greatness of the loss begins to be experienced. However, this loss can have many, many faces. It is not only the initial loss or trauma, but subsequent loss such as financial, friends, lifestyle, luxuries and necessities, court, trials, government systems, loosing a home, education and dreams. This is also the stage that excess guilt or shame can set in with loss of self-esteen. If the person "is allowed to express his [her] sorrow he will find a final acceptance much easier, and he will be grateful to those who can sit with him [her] during this stage of depression without constantly telling him [her] not to be sad,"

Fifth Stage: Acceptance - The person will reach a stage where he is neither depressed nor angry about "fate." Previous feelings have been expressed and losses mourned will result in weakness and the need for naps or additional rest or sleep. This is not avoidance or hopelessnes, but rather an "indication of the beginning of the end of the struggle." This is a stage where one is almost void of feelings, "the final rest before the long journey." This is a time for non-verbal support and silent acknowledgment of the "monumental task required to achieve this stage of acceptance."

This is how I see grief. I understood this process way before 'grief' became part of my life. The stages aren't sequencial, the ossilate, the final acceptance was one I could never reconcile with. I believed it was accepting the loss of my son....instead as I read it with experienced eyes I see it is where I have come to an uneasy truce with my grief. B)

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From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Career is defined by the Oxford English Dictionary as a person's "course or progress through life (or a distinct portion of life)".

It can also pertain to anoccupation or a profession that usually involves special training or formaleducation, and is considered to be aperson’s lifework.

I started this thread intending it to be an encouragement to people like me who have had extended periods of grief forced on us. When I realized how many people were offended by the term Career Grievers, I deleted it. I would have deleted the thread entirely but I wasn't able to do that.

When I considered people's opposition to the term I understood what they thought the term meant, so I said I'm not a career griever. I went on to explain how I have had multiple grief experiences over the last 15 years and it feels like it has become a job to me.

Living with grief is a job that none of us would want, and managing to hold our lives together is quite a challenge to say the least. I said before that I'm not a Career Griever, but I have now changed my mind. It's the course or progress that my life has been on for a very long time now. I'll always be living with grief, but I won't allow grief to destroy me. I'll keep working at doing a good job of keeping my life together, while I'm getting better every day at handling grief. It is a tough Career that was forced on me, but since I have to live with it, I'll keep learning how to do it better.

Don't worry if none of this makes any sense to you, I'm a terrible communicator. I'm a horse of a different color, so I think different than normal people.

Have a wonderful night.

Thanks Heydaddy, for explaining. Sorry, I did not understand what you were trying to imply. I too have had many relatives that have passed away over the past several years that I was responsible for caring for. It is a rough road that we walk when we are expected to stand by them from start to finish. Most of the time we go on adrenaline. I know I did. It was not until after my mother-in-law died on May 31st. that I was finally able to grieve the loss of our son from two years back. I felt horrible about that. Her illness literally took up my attention full time. She was very ill and fought a long hard battle.

Today I find myself exhausted and if I had to describe it in a word. Drained out completely. I cannot absorb another thing.Like a sponge saturated to capacity. We are the sandwich generation. Nobody said it would be easy, but I had never imagined just how difficult it would actually be. Our nerves become frayed to the point of distraction. The simplest thing triggers a response from me that is not always appropriate.

We all have our own ideas as to how to handle this process. Mutual respect is not always easy to find when we disagree. The one thing about this site is that we can honestly say what we feel and hopefully with patience and understanding we will be understood. I am really sorry for your loss. I truly am.

Trudi...Thanks for sharing the steps of grief. All very true! My goodness I have a long way to go!

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