The Memorial of my son Robert

[mrsduc]

I sat in the front pew of the Old North Church in California, listening to the gentleman speak about how my pain will eventually go away and then I will only have smiles when I think of my son. I do not see that he sees my heart and how broken and dark it is right now. My son Robert was more than a son we were the best of friends. I knew that he had been in pain about things in his life, like being taken from me because I divorced his dad when he was 10 an half and my ex in-laws decided to go for custody. I hav three boys, but Robert is the only one that would talk to me. We worked very hard since he was 18 to get where we were when he killed himself at 32. His other brothers have been brainwashed by the ex in-laws telling them that I did not love them and that is why I did not come around. They did not tell the kids that I did not come around for my 2 hour supervised visitation by them because they would tell me at the last minute that the boys were busy or sick. How I lost my kids was my ex inlaws paid this therapist $876,000 to get on the stand to say I would kill my kids. This man had only asked me my name one time. I had no chance. So it is like I have no other children. I have a 6 month old grandchild that my youngest son refuses to let me into her life. He wants nothing to do with me. My middle son says he does but he is into his on stuff and is nothing like Robert (and I don't expect him to be) but he has no time to even want to talk to me on the phone. So I feel like not only did I loose my son and my best friend. But I feel like I lost my family the day my son killed himself. And that is another things, I have been told since I was little that if you kill yourself or if you were gay you wouldn't go to Heaven. Well my son was both and so all of a sudden the same people that told me that he would never get into Heaven are saying that he is there. I just wish I knew for certain that he is definitely out of pain and in a better place. I want all of you to know right up front, I had no problem with my son being gay, Heck I knew since he was alittle over a year old that he probably was. We were not blessed in this life to have alot of physical time and pictures together, but I believe because he told me the last couple of months and I told him how we meant to each other. I just feel like if he had even hinted to me, I would of been on a plane from the east coast to the west coast as fast as I could and I would hold him and tell him that we would get thru his pain together. But he did not share this with me like he had this summer. I think if God would just let him come to me for a second or two and let me know he is alright in eternity and that he is finally happy, then and only then maybe I can move on. But even then I am not sure. It seems to hurt me more as the days go by.

Thanks for letting me vent.

[vivkib]

I sat in the front pew of the Old North Church in California, listening to the gentleman speak about how my pain will eventually go away and then I will only have smiles when I think of my son. I do not see that he sees my heart and how broken and dark it is right now. My son Robert was more than a son we were the best of friends. I knew that he had been in pain about things in his life, like being taken from me because I divorced his dad when he was 10 an half and my ex in-laws decided to go for custody. I hav three boys, but Robert is the only one that would talk to me. We worked very hard since he was 18 to get where we were when he killed himself at 32. His other brothers have been brainwashed by the ex in-laws telling them that I did not love them and that is why I did not come around. They did not tell the kids that I did not come around for my 2 hour supervised visitation by them because they would tell me at the last minute that the boys were busy or sick. How I lost my kids was my ex inlaws paid this therapist $876,000 to get on the stand to say I would kill my kids. This man had only asked me my name one time. I had no chance. So it is like I have no other children. I have a 6 month old grandchild that my youngest son refuses to let me into her life. He wants nothing to do with me. My middle son says he does but he is into his on stuff and is nothing like Robert (and I don't expect him to be) but he has no time to even want to talk to me on the phone. So I feel like not only did I loose my son and my best friend. But I feel like I lost my family the day my son killed himself. And that is another things, I have been told since I was little that if you kill yourself or if you were gay you wouldn't go to Heaven. Well my son was both and so all of a sudden the same people that told me that he would never get into Heaven are saying that he is there. I just wish I knew for certain that he is definitely out of pain and in a better place. I want all of you to know right up front, I had no problem with my son being gay, Heck I knew since he was alittle over a year old that he probably was. We were not blessed in this life to have alot of physical time and pictures together, but I believe because he told me the last couple of months and I told him how we meant to each other. I just feel like if he had even hinted to me, I would of been on a plane from the east coast to the west coast as fast as I could and I would hold him and tell him that we would get thru his pain together. But he did not share this with me like he had this summer. I think if God would just let him come to me for a second or two and let me know he is alright in eternity and that he is finally happy, then and only then maybe I can move on. But even then I am not sure. It seems to hurt me more as the days go by.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Mrsduc, First I want to say, I'm so sorry for you pain. I understand how so very hard all this is. I've been on this road 5 1/2 months since I lost my oldest son Kevin. Your pain will never fully go away, how can it? You lost you son and a huge part of your life. I do believe, however it does hurt a little less as time goes by. You will be able to look at pictures, remember something your son said or did and do so with a smile or even a laugh. There will always be tears behind the smile and laugh but they won't hurt as much. I'm sorry you are experiancing the problems with your other children, I know it also hurts. My ex kept my kids when we split, but over the first few years we were able to come to an understanding and become not only friends but best friend so I have always been and still am in my childrens lives. On Thursday my ex and his new wife had a b-day dinner for me. She and I have become bestfriends in the last few months since Kevin passed. I can't even imagine how very hard it would be not to have that. I am tearing up because I ache for you. Anyway, I had one of my boys ask me just yesterday if I thought Kevin was in Heaven. Kevin died of AEA. Basicly he accidentally hung himself. I told my son that YES I do believe Kevin is in Heaven. How he died has nothing to do with who he was and I believe that once saved always saved. I believe your son is also in Heaven, no matter if it was intentional or accidental on his part, I don't think it matters. As for him being gay, I still don't think it matters. He was who he was and you loved him for that. People place judgement where I don't believe they have a right to. I also have wanted to see my son again to know he's ok, My daughter has had a "visit" and so has one of his brothers. I think as much as I would like to have a "visit" I have to ask myself if I could really then let go. I don't think so and would want more and more. Maybe Kevin can't visit because I'm just not ready and wouldn't handle it in a good way. I don't know, just a thought. I hope I've made some sense in what I've written here and have not insulted or hurt you in anyway. I'm still new to this road as I said and wonder sometimes if what I try to say comes across right or not. I am so sorry to have meet you on this road but I'm glad you found your way here. Hugs, Prayers, and Thoughts are with you. Vivian-Kevin's Mom

[Tweetymm125@aol.com]

Mrsduc, First I want to say, I'm so sorry for you pain. I understand how so very hard all this is. I've been on this road 5 1/2 months since I lost my oldest son Kevin. Your pain will never fully go away, how can it? You lost you son and a huge part of your life. I do believe, however it does hurt a little less as time goes by. You will be able to look at pictures, remember something your son said or did and do so with a smile or even a laugh. There will always be tears behind the smile and laugh but they won't hurt as much. I'm sorry you are experiancing the problems with your other children, I know it also hurts. My ex kept my kids when we split, but over the first few years we were able to come to an understanding and become not only friends but best friend so I have always been and still am in my childrens lives. On Thursday my ex and his new wife had a b-day dinner for me. She and I have become bestfriends in the last few months since Kevin passed. I can't even imagine how very hard it would be not to have that. I am tearing up because I ache for you. Anyway, I had one of my boys ask me just yesterday if I thought Kevin was in Heaven. Kevin died of AEA. Basicly he accidentally hung himself. I told my son that YES I do believe Kevin is in Heaven. How he died has nothing to do with who he was and I believe that once saved always saved. I believe your son is also in Heaven, no matter if it was intentional or accidental on his part, I don't think it matters. As for him being gay, I still don't think it matters. He was who he was and you loved him for that. People place judgement where I don't believe they have a right to. I also have wanted to see my son again to know he's ok, My daughter has had a "visit" and so has one of his brothers. I think as much as I would like to have a "visit" I have to ask myself if I could really then let go. I don't think so and would want more and more. Maybe Kevin can't visit because I'm just not ready and wouldn't handle it in a good way. I don't know, just a thought. I hope I've made some sense in what I've written here and have not insulted or hurt you in anyway. I'm still new to this road as I said and wonder sometimes if what I try to say comes across right or not. I am so sorry to have meet you on this road but I'm glad you found your way here. Hugs, Prayers, and Thoughts are with you. Vivian-Kevin's Mom

To Mrsduc,

My son Rob died 2 years ago and he did come to me. He appeared on the ceiling and stayed all night. I did get comfort that he is Ok but the fact is that i wish I was Ok bt than thats another story. I pray that Kevins Mom and Mrsduc both get signs Whetet yo do or not I promise you both that they are OK

Robs Mom forever

[mrsduc]

I am so sorry for your loss of your son Kevin. I know the pain that you must be feeling. I look at the world in such a different way now. I am able to remember and look at pictures of my son, even now and smile. But it does not stop the ache. And you might be right that Robert can't or won't come to me right now because I probably would want him to stay. Like when I went to CA the first time to help clean out his apartment and I sat on the box spring of his bed because Hazmat had to take the bed for he had been there for two weeks. But I sat there on that last day and my brain knew I had to get up and leave, but my heart would not let me. I felt Robert there and I heard him then and he said to me "Sorry mom, but I had to do it." It took Robert's friend and my husband (Robert's stepdad) to drag me from that place. I just did not like how I was reacting but I could not stop myself. I know that God blessed me out every women in the world to be his mom and I feel so lucky for that. But I too believe that I failed him as a mother also. But they say don't beat yourself up, which I try not to do. But I just feel that if I had known I would of been there in a second. But my brain is smart enough, and I knew Robert well enough that if he puts his mind to something there is no changing it. I also believe that God knows from the minute we are conceived when we are going to die. If it had not been Roberts' time to die, then he would not have succeeded. So I do know that it was his time. I just hurt so. I hate crying and always have. It does not make you feel better at all.

[robyn]

I sat in the front pew of the Old North Church in California, listening to the gentleman speak about how my pain will eventually go away and then I will only have smiles when I think of my son. I do not see that he sees my heart and how broken and dark it is right now. My son Robert was more than a son we were the best of friends. I knew that he had been in pain about things in his life, like being taken from me because I divorced his dad when he was 10 an half and my ex in-laws decided to go for custody. I hav three boys, but Robert is the only one that would talk to me. We worked very hard since he was 18 to get where we were when he killed himself at 32. His other brothers have been brainwashed by the ex in-laws telling them that I did not love them and that is why I did not come around. They did not tell the kids that I did not come around for my 2 hour supervised visitation by them because they would tell me at the last minute that the boys were busy or sick. How I lost my kids was my ex inlaws paid this therapist $876,000 to get on the stand to say I would kill my kids. This man had only asked me my name one time. I had no chance. So it is like I have no other children. I have a 6 month old grandchild that my youngest son refuses to let me into her life. He wants nothing to do with me. My middle son says he does but he is into his on stuff and is nothing like Robert (and I don't expect him to be) but he has no time to even want to talk to me on the phone. So I feel like not only did I loose my son and my best friend. But I feel like I lost my family the day my son killed himself. And that is another things, I have been told since I was little that if you kill yourself or if you were gay you wouldn't go to Heaven. Well my son was both and so all of a sudden the same people that told me that he would never get into Heaven are saying that he is there. I just wish I knew for certain that he is definitely out of pain and in a better place. I want all of you to know right up front, I had no problem with my son being gay, Heck I knew since he was alittle over a year old that he probably was. We were not blessed in this life to have alot of physical time and pictures together, but I believe because he told me the last couple of months and I told him how we meant to each other. I just feel like if he had even hinted to me, I would of been on a plane from the east coast to the west coast as fast as I could and I would hold him and tell him that we would get thru his pain together. But he did not share this with me like he had this summer. I think if God would just let him come to me for a second or two and let me know he is alright in eternity and that he is finally happy, then and only then maybe I can move on. But even then I am not sure. It seems to hurt me more as the days go by.

Thanks for letting me vent.

msduc,

I believe in God's mercy. I believe that none of us, not one, has anything but a sinful nature, hence the necessity of the sacrifice that Christ made for us. He forgives us from east to west. If sin kept us out of heaven, ain't a one of ANY of us goin'! His words: "My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow Me. I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; NO ONE CAN SNATCH THEM OUT OF MY HAND. My Father, who has given them to Me, is greater than all; no one can snatch them out of my Father's hand. I and the Father are One." (John 10: 27-30). We ALL sin and fall short of the glory of God, but once you belong to Him, you are His.

Can you believe he is in heaven? Absolutely. If I can suggest a book...? "When the Hurt Runs Deep"- I can't remember the author's name, but if you type it in the amazon browser, you will find it. She devotes a chapter to those who are gay. She is a very Godly and understanding woman.

...and venting in here is a GOOD thing!

Robyn

[Maddy6]

I sat in the front pew of the Old North Church in California, listening to the gentleman speak about how my pain will eventually go away and then I will only have smiles when I think of my son. I do not see that he sees my heart and how broken and dark it is right now. My son Robert was more than a son we were the best of friends. I knew that he had been in pain about things in his life, like being taken from me because I divorced his dad when he was 10 an half and my ex in-laws decided to go for custody. I hav three boys, but Robert is the only one that would talk to me. We worked very hard since he was 18 to get where we were when he killed himself at 32. His other brothers have been brainwashed by the ex in-laws telling them that I did not love them and that is why I did not come around. They did not tell the kids that I did not come around for my 2 hour supervised visitation by them because they would tell me at the last minute that the boys were busy or sick. How I lost my kids was my ex inlaws paid this therapist $876,000 to get on the stand to say I would kill my kids. This man had only asked me my name one time. I had no chance. So it is like I have no other children. I have a 6 month old grandchild that my youngest son refuses to let me into her life. He wants nothing to do with me. My middle son says he does but he is into his on stuff and is nothing like Robert (and I don't expect him to be) but he has no time to even want to talk to me on the phone. So I feel like not only did I loose my son and my best friend. But I feel like I lost my family the day my son killed himself. And that is another things, I have been told since I was little that if you kill yourself or if you were gay you wouldn't go to Heaven. Well my son was both and so all of a sudden the same people that told me that he would never get into Heaven are saying that he is there. I just wish I knew for certain that he is definitely out of pain and in a better place. I want all of you to know right up front, I had no problem with my son being gay, Heck I knew since he was alittle over a year old that he probably was. We were not blessed in this life to have alot of physical time and pictures together, but I believe because he told me the last couple of months and I told him how we meant to each other. I just feel like if he had even hinted to me, I would of been on a plane from the east coast to the west coast as fast as I could and I would hold him and tell him that we would get thru his pain together. But he did not share this with me like he had this summer. I think if God would just let him come to me for a second or two and let me know he is alright in eternity and that he is finally happy, then and only then maybe I can move on. But even then I am not sure. It seems to hurt me more as the days go by.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Mrsduc,

I know how much you are hurting and in pain. I also know that right now you cannot even fathom that it is possible to smile again without your precious son in your life. I know, because at one time I was where you are. I thought that what I was being told, that one day it would no longer hurt was bizarre. Not only could I not imagine a world without my daughter, I did not want to imagine it. You have gone through much pain and injustice in your life. I do not have the answers for why good people suffer, or why injustice prevails. I have questioned that myself many times. But I do know that your son loved you. You describe a special relationship that few mothers have with their son. Your love and acceptance of him were of great value to him and gave him great comfort in this life. I know you feel regret and sorrow, and wonder a lot of what if's. I know because these are the type of thoughts that have tormented me, tormented many of us on this site. After coming to this site there were many wonderful people who helped me to realize I had to forgive myself for not being perfect. For being human and only being capable of doing the best I could. I also came to realize that my daughter would not want me to live like this. In fact, she would be heartbroken and sad in feeling she had caused my pain. By listening to others thoughts and taking their comforting advice I tried to find glimpses of comfort and have begun my road to healing. I have to make a conscience choice to find happiness and push forward. Time has been the most miraculous healer and continues to apply its soothing ointment as each day passes. Please continue to come back to the site. Tell us about Robert. I would love to hear about him, he sounds like such a wonderful young man. You must have been so proud of him. Show us pictures and talk about him, we would love to hear. We have been where you are, we know the intense, debilitating pain. We hurt for you and we want to help you and hold your hand through your dark valley. The sun will shine again for you one day. What the gentleman at the service in CA said was true. We are here for you while you travel that path.

Love,

Maddy

[vivkib]

I am so sorry for your loss of your son Kevin. I know the pain that you must be feeling. I look at the world in such a different way now. I am able to remember and look at pictures of my son, even now and smile. But it does not stop the ache. And you might be right that Robert can't or won't come to me right now because I probably would want him to stay. Like when I went to CA the first time to help clean out his apartment and I sat on the box spring of his bed because Hazmat had to take the bed for he had been there for two weeks. But I sat there on that last day and my brain knew I had to get up and leave, but my heart would not let me. I felt Robert there and I heard him then and he said to me "Sorry mom, but I had to do it." It took Robert's friend and my husband (Robert's stepdad) to drag me from that place. I just did not like how I was reacting but I could not stop myself. I know that God blessed me out every women in the world to be his mom and I feel so lucky for that. But I too believe that I failed him as a mother also. But they say don't beat yourself up, which I try not to do. But I just feel that if I had known I would of been there in a second. But my brain is smart enough, and I knew Robert well enough that if he puts his mind to something there is no changing it. I also believe that God knows from the minute we are conceived when we are going to die. If it had not been Roberts' time to die, then he would not have succeeded. So I do know that it was his time. I just hurt so. I hate crying and always have. It does not make you feel better at all.

I find I look at the world differently now also. I don't seem to have the compation I use to have. I can't find it in me to feel bad for someone having a bad time because of some small trivial thing. I used to, and always seemed to find a word or two of comfort to share with them. Now all I want to do is yell at them and ask if it really matters? I lost my son, a part of me and they want me to feel bad and help them with thier problems, Really? I feel bad for that but it's just the way it is, at least for now. I have also heard Kevin say he was so sorry and didn't know. That's what he told my daughter when he came to her. He wanted us to know he was sorry and was ok now, that it happened so fast he didn't feel anything. This was before we knew how he had died and when we found out how he passed it all made so much more sense. That's one reason I do believe he came to my daughter, he said things to her there is no way she could have made up at the time. We do the best we can as parents, and Yes mistakes are made, but we do what we think is best at the time. I feel the same way about being Kevin's mom, how blessed I was to have been chosen to be his mother. He was such a great young man. Your son knows you would have been there if you had known, just as mine did, but maybe that's why they never told us about what was going on with them. I believe my son suffered from an addition not unlike drugs or drinking, there was just no outward signs for me to see and he didn't want me to know. If I had known what he was doing I would have done whatever I could to get him help. I know you would have done the same for your son, it's part of the love we have for our children. This is a very hard, rough and painful road we know find ourselves on. I wish none of us had to find it. Again, hugs and prayers to you. Vivian-Kevin's Mom