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A Violent Reaction


Orion

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I like to face the world head-on. I don't like to pretend things are good when they are not, or that something doesn't hurt intensely, when it does. Today was a bad, bad today.

My family had a birthday party, not for my late father, but for someone else. This would be the first time we all saw eachother since my father died 6 weeks ago on 1/7/12. It was tough to be at his sister's house, my aunt. But I went. And I fully expected to own my feelings and be strong.

My cousin came up to me. She's about 4 or 5 years younger than I am, married, with one child. I am neither married nor am I a mother. A large part of my GRIEF is that my father will never see me get married, and never see me have kids. However, I'll be 39 next month so my hope is fading fast. I'm not even dating. And you know why? Because for the last 4 years I have been taking care of my DYING FATHER.

So, this perky cousin of mine decided to announce to me that she was suddenly pregnant and "wasn't even trying!" Of course I said congratualations. Then she smiled broadly and told me she just KNOWS its because my father's spirit somehow divinely helped to make this miracle happen for her. She went on to tell me and my miserble, grief stricken siblings how my father's spirit has been visiting her 3 year old, etc etc etc.

I grabbed my mother and left the party. As I drove away, I screamed, I cried, I cursed her, I cursed my late beloved daddy, and I even said some things about God. Of course I regret this. But I can't deny the darkness of the place I am in right now. Truly, truly I feel like my life sucks. Because it does. I took care of my father, and LOVED taking care of him, and he is gone and apparently working "miracles" for his neice and everyone else but me. And I sit home completely alone every single night, every weekend, all the time, completely alone now.

I am left with bills from his medical needs that I can't pay. I am left with red tape, greedy cold lawyers who live off our misery, and an exhausting job to do everyday.

Friends do not call me for some reason. My phone never rings, with rarely a text. Where is everyone? It seems like after the funeral everyone wrote me off. Even the men in my life have not made a move towards asking how I'm doing, or coming by my house. Is the world really this cold or I am in some delusion???

I'm exhausted and I give up.

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I like to face the world head-on. I don't like to pretend things are good when they are not, or that something doesn't hurt intensely, when it does. Today was a bad, bad today.

My family had a birthday party, not for my late father, but for someone else. This would be the first time we all saw eachother since my father died 6 weeks ago on 1/7/12. It was tough to be at his sister's house, my aunt. But I went. And I fully expected to own my feelings and be strong.

My cousin came up to me. She's about 4 or 5 years younger than I am, married, with one child. I am neither married nor am I a mother. A large part of my GRIEF is that my father will never see me get married, and never see me have kids. However, I'll be 39 next month so my hope is fading fast. I'm not even dating. And you know why? Because for the last 4 years I have been taking care of my DYING FATHER.

So, this perky cousin of mine decided to announce to me that she was suddenly pregnant and "wasn't even trying!" Of course I said congratualations. Then she smiled broadly and told me she just KNOWS its because my father's spirit somehow divinely helped to make this miracle happen for her. She went on to tell me and my miserble, grief stricken siblings how my father's spirit has been visiting her 3 year old, etc etc etc.

I grabbed my mother and left the party. As I drove away, I screamed, I cried, I cursed her, I cursed my late beloved daddy, and I even said some things about God. Of course I regret this. But I can't deny the darkness of the place I am in right now. Truly, truly I feel like my life sucks. Because it does. I took care of my father, and LOVED taking care of him, and he is gone and apparently working "miracles" for his neice and everyone else but me. And I sit home completely alone every single night, every weekend, all the time, completely alone now.

I am left with bills from his medical needs that I can't pay. I am left with red tape, greedy cold lawyers who live off our misery, and an exhausting job to do everyday.

Friends do not call me for some reason. My phone never rings, with rarely a text. Where is everyone? It seems like after the funeral everyone wrote me off. Even the men in my life have not made a move towards asking how I'm doing, or coming by my house. Is the world really this cold or I am in some delusion???

I'm exhausted and I give up.

Orion,

I am sorry your cousin was so lost in her own self centeredness that she never considered her words would be painful to you. When things calm down, you may want to approach her and tell her "I was hurt by your words" and then explain why.

People probably consider you a rock. They saw how strong and tough and resilient you were during your father's illness. They probably think you have everything together emotionally because you always have had it together. They've let you deal with all the tough stuff because you did it before. Now, unless you've told anyone how truly dark you feel, they may assume you are doing "okay."

Have you reached out and talked to anyone about all this resentment and anger? Have you bottled it up instead? Perhaps you should reach out to the men in your life--let them know you are available and ready to move forward with your own family plans. You are certainly not too old to have children of your own--you have years, really.

The world is cold, but there are warm people out there waiting to help you. You have to let people know you need them. This is a good step. I know you are exhausted. Do you do anything for yourself? When is the last time you've done anything fun? I know it is hard to think of fun right now--but seriously--you need to go do something for you. What do you like to do? What are your interests?

Don't give up. We will be here for you. I know this is horribly hard, but you will work through this--you do have support and encouragement.

ModKonnie

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I am so sorry you are going through this. I have had many feeling like you. I also have not had many people reach out to me. Initially yes but that has just tapered off. I am also not OK I can't pretend to be strong anymore. I just wanted you to know you are not alone I have had so many of the same feelings. Please turn to us here for any help you made need. I am praying for you!

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Hey Orion,

I'm sorry that you have had so much pressure piled on you, and that your cousin doesn't understand what you are going through. I know how much her words hurt you, so I will tell you what I think and I pray that it will help. Usually I try to be understanding when people say that someone's spirit comes to them, but this is ridiculous. Somehow knowledge helps me deal with crazy tales like the one your cousin was telling. Quite frankly it is ridiculous to think that your dad's spirit somehow gave here the miracle of a child. Ridiculous to think that his spirit was visiting her 3 year old. Ridiculous tales from a person who is blinded by her own superstitions, and she has no idea how bad it hurt you. You have to know that your dad hasn't been visiting her, so don't let it hurt you. When my daughter first died several of her friends told tales about how she came to them and told them things. She had a small statue of an African man with his hands raised to heaven. One of her super spiritual friends came to her fiance and told him that my daughter came to her and said that it was possessed with an evil spirit. She wanted him to give it to her so she could cleanse it and get the bad spirit out of it. She even went as far as saying that my daughters illness was caused by the statue, and her finance had to get rid of it in order to free himself from its curse. That is so STUPID!!!

Long story short, I now have the statue and I love it. I can't tell you how much I love being able to touch it and think of my daughter. It is wonderful to me, a true blessing in my life. I don't believe her fiance believed such a ridiculous story, but I am so happy that he decided that it would be better to let me have it. YESSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My advice to you is that you just laugh at her silliness. I'm so sorry for all the hardship you have had to endure while taking care of your dad. Take comfort in knowing that you did all you could, and if your dad were going to come back, it would be you who he would come back to see. It is my prayer that God will pour down some blessings into your life. God bless you.

I like to face the world head-on. I don't like to pretend things are good when they are not, or that something doesn't hurt intensely, when it does. Today was a bad, bad today.

My family had a birthday party, not for my late father, but for someone else. This would be the first time we all saw eachother since my father died 6 weeks ago on 1/7/12. It was tough to be at his sister's house, my aunt. But I went. And I fully expected to own my feelings and be strong.

My cousin came up to me. She's about 4 or 5 years younger than I am, married, with one child. I am neither married nor am I a mother. A large part of my GRIEF is that my father will never see me get married, and never see me have kids. However, I'll be 39 next month so my hope is fading fast. I'm not even dating. And you know why? Because for the last 4 years I have been taking care of my DYING FATHER.

So, this perky cousin of mine decided to announce to me that she was suddenly pregnant and "wasn't even trying!" Of course I said congratualations. Then she smiled broadly and told me she just KNOWS its because my father's spirit somehow divinely helped to make this miracle happen for her. She went on to tell me and my miserble, grief stricken siblings how my father's spirit has been visiting her 3 year old, etc etc etc.

I grabbed my mother and left the party. As I drove away, I screamed, I cried, I cursed her, I cursed my late beloved daddy, and I even said some things about God. Of course I regret this. But I can't deny the darkness of the place I am in right now. Truly, truly I feel like my life sucks. Because it does. I took care of my father, and LOVED taking care of him, and he is gone and apparently working "miracles" for his neice and everyone else but me. And I sit home completely alone every single night, every weekend, all the time, completely alone now.

I am left with bills from his medical needs that I can't pay. I am left with red tape, greedy cold lawyers who live off our misery, and an exhausting job to do everyday.

Friends do not call me for some reason. My phone never rings, with rarely a text. Where is everyone? It seems like after the funeral everyone wrote me off. Even the men in my life have not made a move towards asking how I'm doing, or coming by my house. Is the world really this cold or I am in some delusion???

I'm exhausted and I give up.

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Heydaddy- I really need to thank you. I felt a million times better having read your response. And it even made me smile. A day later I realize that something dark came over me as she was telling me this ridiculous fantasy of hers. And I let my own insecurities get the best of me. My cousin is actually a very spoiled little person who has a life where everyone does everything for her. I, however, do not have that in the least.

I know you know how I feel- just like you said about your daughter's friends, people have been coming up to me saying crazy things because they truly believe they have some power. I think all they have is an active imagination. My father's presence is felt by me with love, not with worldy deeds he does from the grave. Again, I know I reacted so badly because here is this PRINCESS, who has a husband and family who do everything for her, having a wedding fit for royalty and having kids with ease. As for me- my fiance had a baby with his secretary two months before our wedding date back in 2004, so I had to cancel it. I've been single ever since, mostly due to my father developing Progressive Supra Nuclear Palsy and then having it kill him. So my life is a lot harder than hers.

That's what was so infuriating about it. I'm suffering, and my cousin believes my dad is watching over just HER posthumously. Wow. I wouldn't have had the balls to say that to someone who just lost their beloved daddy and is still raw with emotion. Some people suck.

Thank you all for your responses. You may not realize it, but each and every one makes the pain go away just a little more. Thank you.

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I think it is your turn for god to put some blessings into your life, believe that he will and he will. I don't know why your cousin couldn't see your pain beyond her own. Maybe she is self centered. I may have told her i wasn't in the mood for anything. lol

I hope your healing journey is underway. I work out at the gym and swim all the time and it helps alot to get rid of my pent up anger over the individuals who were struggling over guardianship of my mother before she passed. None of them cared how i felt either. I am the only one who is heart broken that she is gone now of course.

Things will get better and i am sorry for the loss of your dad, i know its very hard. I just lost my mom 3 months ago and i still cry some days.

Blessings for strength, love and healing...

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Hi Orion,

I read your story with great interest. All I can say is that you are a pretty strong person. I'm your age and just lost my mother. Even though I'm married with a child, I feel totally alone and everyone has moved on with their lives. Here I am stuck sleeping all day not being able to function. This really sucks and I feel like you have it worse than me. Sorry if this post makes no sense. I'm still stuck in my funk.

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Hi Orion,

I read your story with great interest. All I can say is that you are a pretty strong person. I'm your age and just lost my mother. Even though I'm married with a child, I feel totally alone and everyone has moved on with their lives. Here I am stuck sleeping all day not being able to function. This really sucks and I feel like you have it worse than me. Sorry if this post makes no sense. I'm still stuck in my funk.

I don't have it "worse" than you. No one has it "worse" than anyone. We are all suffering.

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