My late father was an addict

[nc711]

Hi, I'm new to the boards. I'm not sure where to start so I'll just tell you a little about myself. I'm 23 and my father passed away 4 months ago. He was a great dad when I was growing up, he was incredibly kind to everyone he interacted with. He was the kind of guy that would spend an hour shoveling the snow from his driveway, then spend another hour shoveling the neighbors driveway just to help out. I remember one winter when my hamster passed away, he spent hours making a small grave in the backyard to bury him in, and even made a little headstone for him. I feel so lucky to have had such a great father growing up. Everything was great until 6 years ago or so. He hurt his back at work and was prescribed vicodin. A lot of negative things happened in his life that year and he took a turn for the worse. His best friend died and we encouraged him to seek help for depression, but he had too much pride and bottled everything up. Eventually, he developed an addition to vicodin, although he would never admit it. He started drinking hard liquor, spending more time away from home, became unhappy with his marriage and eventually did a complete 360 from the man he was and turned into someone I couldn't even recognize. The timeline is kind of a blur to me, but eventually he started seeing a woman on the side, which was really shocking to the whole family, he and my mother had been together since they were 13. Eventually, he started smoking crack-cocaine and slept in a van with this other woman. He lost his job, lost the house. We all encouraged him to seek help, to fight his addiction, but we knew there was nothing we could do unless he wanted to change for himself, and I think he was just too depressed to do it. Trying to think back, all I really remember is a lot of arguing, a lot of fights, a few 911 calls, him being hospitalized one or two times, me begging the nurses to keep him admitted and put him in the behavioral health unit. I don't know why, but when I was 20 or so, I started to completely shut him out of my life. I moved in with my boyfriend and we bought a house together. The new things in my life were a good distraction and it was too painful to think of my dad. I think the last time I spoke to him was 2 1/2 years ago, maybe 3. He called me every week, sometimes on a daily basis, and would leave messages, sometimes crying, sometimes angry that I didn't answer, sometimes he was apologetic, sometimes he would just play songs over the voicemail. Looking back, I have no idea why I didn't answer the phone. He was obviously hurting and I was in my own little world, not even giving his messages the time of day to listen to them. I don't know if it upset me too much to deal with, or if I was hoping my silence would encourage him to hit rock bottom and seek help. For all I know, he could have hit rock bottom and needed help, but I didn't answer.

Fast forward to last October when I got a call from my brother, my dad was at the hospital and in a coma. I'm still unclear as to what happened. I guess he was violently ill for days and didn't go to the hospital. His girlfriend finally took him to the hospital. She said he lost consciousness after they got in the car, so she continued to drive to a hospital an hour away. This is what the doctors told me, anyway. He was in multi organ failure and had he come in a few days sooner, they could have helped him. I just remember the doctors saying they didn't think there was anything they could do. His liver shut down, then kidneys, something about oxygen deprivation and dead intestines, and brain damage from lack of oxygen. They said something in his blood was the highest they'd ever seen, I can't remember what it was off hand, and his blood wasn't clotting. Anyway, I never got a chance to tell him how sorry I was, and how I forgive him. We took him off of life support and he passed away a few hours later. Of course, I wonder if I should have urged the doctors to take extreme measures, if there was anything he would have wanted me to do in a situation like that. I just can't even remember the last time I saw him. I remember the last time I spoke to him on the phone, and as horrible as this sounds, it's because it was a number I didn't recognize and I answered it. I said hello, he said hello, and I panicked and hung up. I feel terrible. I can't believe I treated the one person who loved me unconditionally in such a horrible manner. He raised me better than that. I'm so confused why I acted the way I did, what kind of mindset I was in to make me behave that way. It seems so stupid to me now. Even during his darkest days, he said I was the bright spot in his life, the only person he could depend on. I think of him saying that and I feel sick to my stomach. The guilt has been terrible the past few days. My mom and brother are also grieving, but they are both so fragile, I feel like I should not put my burdens on them. I've also been extremely upset about the girlfriend situation. She has all of his personal items, pictures of me he carried around with me in his wallet, and a lot of his personal items that meant the world to him. She refuses to give them to us. She says that we never cared about him, we don't deserve his belongings. I have nothing of his to even hold on to. Even when they admitted him to the hospital and put his belongings in a bag, she took the bag and left. His wallet, everything. At the time, it was all very suspicious to me. The coroner kept his body (did not do an autopsy) but had some leftover blood and the cause of death was inconclusive. The called my moms phone and said they were doing an investigation. A few days later, the cause of death was liver failure due to unnatural causes, and he had a very high level of opiates in his system. I'm not sure where I'm going with this, but right now I just feel lost. My boyfriend travels for work and I'm home alone and this week has been really rough. I think because of Valentine's Day, my dad would always get me roses and a stuffed animal and a balloon, even when I was a teenager. Thinking of all the nice things he did for me just makes me cry uncontrollably, I do not feel happy and fuzzy and warm inside, I feel guilt. The only thing I have to connect me to him are his voicemails, and they are really difficult to listen to because he is upset in them. I don't know if I should listen to them anyway, if it will make me feel better? I'm lost and I was diagnosed with clinical depression when I was 12. I've been taking anti depressants ever since and I really do not want to fall into a depression again. Will this feeling of hating myself eventually go away? Right now I feel horrible, I can't even look at myself in the mirror, I'm so ashamed of the way I acted. What hurts the most is, the pain he felt when I ignored him is probably ten times what I'm feeling right now. I feel sad for him. Someone who was so good, raised his own family when his father left him and his siblings, was an honest man and worked very hard to provide for his family, someone so selfless had to end the life the way he did. He deserved so much better. What can I do to deal with this guilt? Do I force myself to look at his pictures, which I've kept in a box in the other room for the past 4 months? I can't even look at them without feeling nauseous. Do I just embrace it and look at them in order to start healing? I am a vet tech, I deal with death every day, but now it's like all my feelings are amplified and I find myself trying not to cry at work when a patient is ill. I've always been compassionate but I feel like all my feelings are on edge, even when I'm happy, I feel like I'm going to cry. What are some of your experiences? What helped you cope?

I apologize for the length of this and the incorrect grammar. I have not slept well in 5 days and the fact that I'm posting this on a message board without even proof reading it shows how far from myself I am right now. Thanks for reading, I really appreciate any experiences you share or any advice you have to offer.

[debbie8800]

Sorry for your loss. My mother passed 3 months ago and she had parkinsons and in the end her organs shut down too and they did very little or so it seemed to me. My mom was 87. You are very young to go through this.

It is normal to feel if only you could have done this or that, its just hard and the whole first year will be hard. Read through some of the other posts. We all have lost someone a parent here in this group and we are all dealing with the pain, if only's anger denial, trying to accept, etc. I still cry alot when things don't go right.

Your dad sounds like he was a good soul in general. I am so sorry he turned around....I thought my mom was great in every way and its so painful to be here without her. I keep thinking it can't be true because i live right near where she was living. I brought her back to NJ from out of state and the nursing home did not help her like i did.. So i understand anger....and i try too accept and get on with my life but gosh its so empty without her.

Just relax and write here, now we know a bit about you and welcome you. Namaste.. Keep writing it helps to purge and hear other stories. Its been kind of quiet, 3 months ago it seemed like so many people passed away right before the holidays which were horrible for me thinking about my mother and missing her. I couldn't even watch tv without running out of the room in tears if it had to do with love.

Wishing you prayers, healing and comfort.

Debbie

[AllisonJ]

Hi NC,

I'm pretty new to the boards too, but I've found that the people here are some of the most caring and understanding you could ever meet. I'm glad you posted here. I can understand ALOT of your feelings, especially the guilt. My mom was shot and killed by my stepfather on June 2, 2011. The day it happened, me and my 3 children were supposed to spend the night at their apartment to visit with my mom, go to church, etc. My stepfather was in one of his moods, the kind where he has to make other people miserable in order to make himself feel better. That's the kind of person he is, he literally gets his enjoyment out of seeing other people upset. So he fabricated a situation saying that my boys (ages 3 and 5) had done something that hadn't even happened and tried to get her to be mad at me for it. I didn't even give her a chance to sort out the situation (which I very much regret) because I was so used to him getting away with this kind of thing and her believing him. So I started grabbing all of our things and getting the kids ready to go, yelling at my mom about how she always took his side and I was tired of him disrespecting me and my kids. My mom had just woken up from a nap when he had started this, so she had no way to even see this coming. But we yelled back and forth, said some mean things to one another, and at one point she even hit me. It ended up with me and the kids leaving. I told her I hated her. As I was walking away I told the kids she's not your grandma anymore. I spoke to her one more time, on the phone about an hour later when I called to tell her I had left some of the kids dvds there and I would pick them up from her neighbor. About three hours later, she was dead. I can't even describe how I felt when I got the news. It has always been one of my biggest fears that I would lose someone in my family without having said that I love them or not being on good terms. And now I have lost my mom after saying just about the worst things ever. I believe that after we left, because of things that have happened in the past and the way my stepfather had been acting lately, my mom realized that he had purposely instigated the situation and she had stuck up for me and the kids. The guilt of this is something that I struggle with every single day. My mom and I had arguments before, and we always made up, so I just hope that she knew that the things I said were out of anger. I torture myself by envisioning her last moments, her last thoughts...was she scared, was she lonely, did she think that I wouldn't care? I just wish I could have one last conversation with her. Tell her that I love her and know that she knows it. Tell her how much she meant to me, and all of the positive things she did in my life instead of the negative.

I know that I don't have the answers for you, but hopefully at least knowing that you're not alone, that there are other people who know what you are going through, will help you through it. Please feel free to message me if you need to talk. I know it helps me to be able to talk to people who can relate in some way, since we can't go back and undo anything we've done. I will pray for you, that you will have peace and be able to get some sleep. The sleepless nights are hard, they make coping so much tougher. God Bless!

Allison

[Kenn]

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[ada33r]

NC,

I can somewhat relate to what you are going through. Growing up I looked up to my dad and he was the best person I knew, there was a point when him and my mom fought that I felt so bad for him. However, things changed. He got involved with the wrong crowd of people ended up going to jail and is now in another country. He has tried contacting me but I just cannot talk to him. I feel so hurt. I now have a daughter (1-1/2 yrs old) and the last time I sort of talked to him was to tell him we were expecting. I feel so hurt that he is not in my baby's life, that he is missing so much! But I cannot bring myself to talk to him. He's turned into a very manipulative person always seeing what he can take from you to benefit himself, and that drives me away. Of course, he hasn't passed yet but I do think of the day that would happen, how would I react? Would I feel guilty for not talking to him? Your story made me think even more about that.

I'm sorry for your loss, and I'm sorry things turned out the way they did. There will always be what if's but don't let them be a source of guilt for you. The fact is that you WOULD have done things differently had you know what would happen. But you did not know, therefore, guilt ins inappropriate. You are not responsible for his death. You mentioned you have a boyfriend, don't keep your feelings bottled up, discuss with him how you're feeling this will open the way for you to receive "kind words" of encouragement when you need them the most. Proverbs 12:25 says: "Kind words will cheer you up." If you haven't, why not make this an opportunity to pour out your heart to God in prayer? This is not simply a 'feel-good' therapy, you're appealing to "the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation."(2 Corinthians 1:3, 4) One way you will receive that comfort is through his Word, the Bible.

Above all, grieving is not an overnight process. Take it day by day, when you feel ready to look at your dad's pictures do so. It will be painful at first, but then you will start experiencing joy of remembering the best times you had with your dad. Or you might never want to, whatever you choose to do is up to you and no one can tell you what to do regarding your dad's possessions. Instead, why not try to put a journal together? Write down your feelings, your deepest thoughts, or write TO your dad, what you wish you could have said to him, this will help. Whatever you have to do to grieve, do it.

Tony'sDaugher,

I'm very sorry for your tragic loss. I'm sure mere words cannot explain the shock you must be in. Like I mentioned earlier, I'm sure if you knew what would happen you really would have done something to prevent the loss or to change the way things turned around. I read a scientific study on bereavement that explained the grief process as follows: "The bereaved may swing dramatically and swiftly from one feeling state to another, and avoidance of reminders of the deceased may alternate with deliberate cultivation of memories for some period of time." So I'm sure that your mind is going so fast you can barely keep up, but I find it best to concentrate and focus on the things that will get you the most benefit in your recovery. Philippians 4:8, 9 outlines in principle some things to focus on: "Finally, brothers, whatever things are true, whatever things are of serious concern, whatever things are righteous, whatever things are chaste, whatever things are lovable, whatever things are well spoken of, whatever virtue there is and whatever praiseworthy thing there is, continue considering these things. The things that you learned as well as accepted and heard and saw in connection with me, practice these; and the God of peace will be with you." Take some time and meditate on the wonderful promises we have from God's Word to see our loved ones again. Revelation 21:4 tells us that: "He will wipe out every tear from their eyes, and death will be no more, neither will mourning nor outcry nor pain be anymore. The former things have passed away." Death will be no more.

Also, you mentioned you have kids. I'm sure that as a mother, if you were to turn the tables around you would never never blame your children or be mad at them for things said in a fight even if it was the last thing you said to each other. Your mom understood your plight, don't torture yourself with hypothetical situations, this can be very damaging to you mentally, emotionally and even physically. I know you might be a Bible reader because you mentioned going to church with your mom so why not try to concentrate on the amazing promises Jehovah gives us to see our loved ones again. The resurrections recorded in the Bible are patterns and guarantees of the soundness of the resurrection hope. This is what has helped me to see things in a different light, to have the possibility to see those whom I have lost also.

Please remember Tony'sDaughter that we are here to help and to give you a listening ear. If you feel comfortable in sharing more with us feel free to come back and reply and keep us updated on your journey. We draw encouragement from your fight too.

Much love for both of you,

Ada

[nc711]

Thank you everyone for replying. I apologize for the delay. I was finally able to get some rest this weekend so I didn't hesitate to do it!

Just relax and write here, now we know a bit about you and welcome you.Namaste.. Keep writing it helps to purge and hear other stories. Its been kind of quiet, 3 months ago it seemed like so many people passed away right beforethe holidays which were horrible for me thinking about my mother and missing her. I couldn't even watch tv without running out of the room in tears if it had to do with love.

Thank you, Debbie. I'm so sorry to hear of your mother's loss. It must be very difficult to be in the area where you mother use to live and to see all the places that remind you of her. I also feel very emotional when watching family themed movies or television shows now. It feels like my emotions are on edge to the point where I want to cry, whether I'm feeling excitement, happiness or sadness. You are in my thoughts.

I know that I don't have the answers for you,but hopefully at least knowing that you're not alone, that there are other people who know what you are going through, will help you through it. Please feel free to message me if you need to talk. I know it helps me to be able to talk to people who can relate in some way, since we can't go back and undo anything we've done.

Toni's Daughter, I am so very sorry for your loss, that is such a tragic story. As Ada said, I am sure your mother knew the things you said were only out of anger and because of your frustration towards your stepfather. It sounded like you and her were very close, and as a mother, I'm sure she understood that you were just trying to protect your children. What you wrote about envisioning her last moments are exactly how I feel about my dad, if he was lonely, scared, if he knew he was dying, etc. It's very hard to deal with but I tell myself that there is no way to know what he was thinking, so I shouldn't drive myself crazy by obsessing over it. It's much easier said than done. You sound like a very strong person and I will be thinking of you and your children. Please feel free to message me as well. I do not have any answers but it helps to know other people feel the same way and we're not alone.

I'm sorry for your loss, and I'm sorry things turned out the way they did. There will always be what if's but don't let them be a source of guilt for you. The fact is that you WOULD have done things differently had you know what would happen. But you did not know, therefore, guilt is inappropriate. You are not responsible for his death. You mentioned you have a boyfriend, don't keep your feelings bottled up, discuss with him how you're feeling this will open the way for you to receive "kind words" of encouragement when you need them the most.

Ada, I am sorry to hear about your dad. It's very hard to see the person you looked up to the most turn into someone you no longer recognize. I do think that a part of my dad died a few years ago when he became an addict. The man he was 4 months ago was still a good man deep down, but had become lost. I'd like to think of him and remember him as the good man he was before his addiction. Unfortunately, all the recent memories I have are bad ones, but I am hoping one day the good memories will stand out more. I am afraid that I will forget the good memories as I become older, as my memory is not very good lately (due to stress?) and I can't even remember the last time I saw him. I can't even remember what I ate for dinner 3 nights ago. I'm hoping the good memories start coming back as I see things that remind me of him. As far as the what if's, I did not know he would die the way he did, but deep down I guess I knew it was a possibility. It would be naive of me to think that drugs and alcohol wouldn't catch up with someone who abused them as much as he did. I guess I just didn't think it would happen because it was my dad, you know? It's just not something you think will happen. I think part of what angers me is I can't understand who I was a few months ago, and I can't even recall the mindset I was in to make me act the way I did. Everything is kind of a blur right now. I do have a boyfriend who I discuss these things with. He is very supportive but he travels for a living (not every week, but most) and the weeks he is not here are the weeks I get the most depressed because I have nothing to distract me from focusing on the guilt. In fact, I started this thread the other night when he was out of town. He's not sure how to console me or what to say, as he's never lost anybody close to him. I learned when I was 12 and battling depression that the best thing for me was to talk to people I could relate to. I could read all the depression pamphlets and confide in a ton of doctors, but the thing that helped the most was spending time with other kids and sharing stories with them. I think board is a very supportive group and I'm glad I found it.

heydaddy, I did check the thread earlier this weekend and I remember there was a reply in your post. I'm not sure why it was removed, although I remember you wrote that you hoped you hadn't offended me. Please be assured that I was not offended and I just didn't have time to sit down and write a proper reply. Please feel free to post again and join the conversation!

[Kenn]

I sometimes post something and feel like I shouldn't have said so much, so I take them down. When I pulled the post I made to you it had been up several days, so I didn't think it would matter. I'm sorry about that, please forgive me.

I'm so sorry about what happened with your dad. In my post I shared with you that I have done the same thing you did, not wanting to talk to someone who hurt me. I always knew what to expect, and I didn't want to hear excuses and blame anymore. What we wanted was to see them change, and both of us would have been able to forgive. You did the best thing by wanting your dad to reach rock bottom. Sometimes reaching rock bottom is the only thing that will save them. If your dad had made the changes in his life that he needed to be happy, you would have felt really good about yourself for loving him enough to let him reach a place where he would want to change. I pray that you can forgive yourself for trying to save your dad with tough love. If I were your dad, I would be very proud of you. You had a right to not want to hear about all the drama, so forgive yourself for doing what you thought you needed to do to protect yourself. God bless you, I pray that you have a great day.

heydaddy, I did check the thread earlier this weekend and I remember there was a reply in your post. I'm not sure why it was removed, although I remember you wrote that you hoped you hadn't offended me. Please be assured that I was not offended and I just didn't have time to sit down and write a proper reply. Please feel free to post again and join the conversation!

[AllisonJ]

Thank you both for your support. It helps more than you can know. Tomorrow morning my stepfather has a hearing for his motion to modify his release conditions, which means there is a possibility he might get out of jail pending trial. I have to speak in opposition to the motion. Very nervous, but hopefully I'll make it through ok. Please say some prayers for me. I will be praying for you also.

Toni's Daughter

[nc711]

I sometimes post something and feel like I shouldn't have said so much, so I take them down. When I pulled the post I made to you it had been up several days, so I didn't think it would matter. I'm sorry about that, please forgive me.

I'm so sorry about what happened with your dad. In my post I shared with you that I have done the same thing you did, not wanting to talk to someone who hurt me. I always knew what to expect, and I didn't want to hear excuses and blame anymore. What we wanted was to see them change, and both of us would have been able to forgive. You did the best thing by wanting your dad to reach rock bottom. Sometimes reaching rock bottom is the only thing that will save them. If your dad had made the changes in his life that he needed to be happy, you would have felt really good about yourself for loving him enough to let him reach a place where he would want to change. I pray that you can forgive yourself for trying to save your dad with tough love. If I were your dad, I would be very proud of you. You had a right to not want to hear about all the drama, so forgive yourself for doing what you thought you needed to do to protect yourself. God bless you, I pray that you have a great day.

It's ok, no worries. I just wanted to make sure you knew that I wasn't offended. In fact, what you wrote makes a lot of sense and makes me feel better, thank you for posting it again. I am sorry you had to go through a similar situation.

Thank you both for your support. It helps more than you can know. Tomorrow morning my stepfather has a hearing for his motion to modify his release conditions, which means there is a possibility he might get out of jail pending trial. I have to speak in opposition to the motion. Very nervous, but hopefully I'll make it through ok. Please say some prayers for me. I will be praying for you also.

Toni's Daughter, I hope everything went ok. Please keep us updated.

[ada33r]

Allison,

How did your hearing go? How did you hold up? I'm sure that is such a stressful situation and it may have taken a heavy toll from you. I just want to make sure you are holding up ok. Please come back and talk to us.

Kind Regards,

Ada

[ada33r]

NC,

Yes, please feel free to come here especially when your boyfriend is out of town. Loneliness can take a heavy toll on us, so don't let that beat you up. It's also so very nice to hear from you. As with you, I also wish the good memories were with me more often, and every now and then I remember the good times. It's such a refreshment for my heart. I can assure you that, eventually, the bad memories will give way to the good ones, I guess it's just human nature to look at the good side of those we love. In spanish there is a saying (and I think there is one too in english) that "when you're in love, you see everything the color of pink". I guess you can sort of apply that here, we are in love with our dad's and we hang on to the good stuff but also that's why we act a certain way when they let us down. Hang in there NC, keep in mind that at this point now your dad is resting in peace. Whatever turmoil he was going through is now over, that should also bring you a measure of relief.

One thing that has personally helped me through the toughest times in my life is my God Jehovah, studying and understanding the Bible's message, the hope of salvation and eternal life as it was meant to be, here on earth, and helping others attain those blessings. Jeremiah 15:16 says: "Your words were found, and I proceeded to eat them; and your word becomes to me the exultation and the rejoicing of my heart; for your name has been called upon me, O Jehovah God of armies." And like you NC, I also get much needed comfort from speaking to others that might be going, or have gone through, the same situation. They can understand and relate. The account of King David brings me much comfort too because he was a man who experienced much anguish and many "disquieting thoughts", like us, yet he never doubted that the Creator understands us in every way. He said: "Oh Jehovah, you have searched through me, and you know me. You yourself have come to know my sitting down and my rising up. You have considered my though from far off. For there is not a word on my tongue, but look! Oh Jehovah, you already know it all!" (Psalm 139:1, 2, 4, 23) At any time of the day, especially when I'm being plagued by my own thoughts I pour out my heart to God.

You too NC, remember that you are precious to God and to your boyfriend, and to your family and friends. They love you so much and only want the best for you, even here that we do not know each other face to face, we are united by one common thread, the loss of a loved one. We also want the best for you and will be here to lend an ear and even a 'shoulder' to cry on.

Much love,

Ada