I feel so empty inside

[1102jenny]

My Mother died January 10th of this year. It has been incredibly difficult. I'm not even sure why she died yet as the toxicology reports haven't come back. I talked to her at 9:30 the night before. She sounded happy and the last words we exchanged we're I love you. The next day I went to my weekly counseling appointment. Afterwards I drove to my Moms house like every other week. There was no answer at the door. I went back to my apartment about thirty minutes away. Her roommate texted me after I got home asking me where I was. I told her I was at home and asked what my mom was up to. She said that her husband had been upstairs and seen my mom sleeping. I tried to take a nap because I hadn't gotten much sleep the night before but I was restless I finally texted my moms roommate to check on her and that's when I got THE text. The one that would change my life. She told me I better get over there. I put on my shoes and grabbed my purse. When I got in my car the gas light was on. I headed to the nearest gas station. As I was filling up I was calling my. Oms roommate frantically. When she finally answered I stood in the gas station screaming "is she dead??" she told me that she was in fact dead. I asked if she was cold because I wanted to know if there was any chance of saving her. She was cold. I drove down the highway at 90 miles an hour contemplating running my car into a concrete pillar. Things have not gotten much better since. I think of suicide often and was hospitalized in a behavioral health unit for several weeks because of it. I got tired of being there and finally told them I was feeling better. I'm not. My mom was my world and everything seems so pointless without her. It scares me that at any given moment I am less than fifteen minutes away from death and/or multiple organ failure. I don't know if I should go back to the hospital or not. It's not like after two weeks in a psych ward I'm magically going to feel better about my mom being dead. So what's the point? On the other hand I'm just a trip to wal mart away from doing something really stupid. Argh. Anyways. That's some of my story. Thanks for reading.

[vivkib]

My Mother died January 10th of this year. It has been incredibly difficult. I'm not even sure why she died yet as the toxicology reports haven't come back. I talked to her at 9:30 the night before. She sounded happy and the last words we exchanged we're I love you. The next day I went to my weekly counseling appointment. Afterwards I drove to my Moms house like every other week. There was no answer at the door. I went back to my apartment about thirty minutes away. Her roommate texted me after I got home asking me where I was. I told her I was at home and asked what my mom was up to. She said that her husband had been upstairs and seen my mom sleeping. I tried to take a nap because I hadn't gotten much sleep the night before but I was restless I finally texted my moms roommate to check on her and that's when I got THE text. The one that would change my life. She told me I better get over there. I put on my shoes and grabbed my purse. When I got in my car the gas light was on. I headed to the nearest gas station. As I was filling up I was calling my. Oms roommate frantically. When she finally answered I stood in the gas station screaming "is she dead??" she told me that she was in fact dead. I asked if she was cold because I wanted to know if there was any chance of saving her. She was cold. I drove down the highway at 90 miles an hour contemplating running my car into a concrete pillar. Things have not gotten much better since. I think of suicide often and was hospitalized in a behavioral health unit for several weeks because of it. I got tired of being there and finally told them I was feeling better. I'm not. My mom was my world and everything seems so pointless without her. It scares me that at any given moment I am less than fifteen minutes away from death and/or multiple organ failure. I don't know if I should go back to the hospital or not. It's not like after two weeks in a psych ward I'm magically going to feel better about my mom being dead. So what's the point? On the other hand I'm just a trip to wal mart away from doing something really stupid. Argh. Anyways. That's some of my story. Thanks for reading.

I am so sorry for your loss. I know how hard it is to loose someonr you love so very much. I lost my dad 1 1/2 yrs ago and it was very hard, then I lost my oldest son last Sept. very suddenly. I have 4 other kids and I think that's part of what keeps me going at times. I know it's hard to see right now but you will start to heal. We never forget and I don't believe we ever get over the pain but I've been told it does get a bit easier. Take time and take care of yourself. Come back here often and pour out your feelings and talk, talk, talk. It does help. Your mom would want you to be o.k. Healing takes time. I wish I had the magic words to help us all through our hurt and grief. Just know you are not alone and we're here to do what we can to help each other. Prayers and thoughts are with you. Vivian-Kevin's Mom

[Zeeee]

hi jenny how r u feeling today?

i just read ur post and everything abt my mom kept flashing in front of my eyes. I lost her all of a sudden on 1st jan! Yes thats how my new years started! she was perfectly alrite 3 hrs before she died! Its been almost 8 weeks now and life is slowly moving on! I thot of suicide a billion times myself but I kept thinking that If my mom is somewhere around and saw me taking my own life how wud she feel? I cry everyday even now and i think i will for the rest of my life coz i remember each n every thing she used to say and do ..... but all i feel is that we have been sent to this world by God just to do good deeds and b a good human and finally we all return to Him... thats where our moms r as well..... I know its so hard living a life without the one precious person in ur life and knowing that ur all alone in this cruel world but we have to complete our journey and return home to God ... and there we all reunite forever n ever....

i try to stay strong by thinking that a few more years and then il b sleeping on my moms lap again I feel tht u shud also try to come to this conclusion! maybe this world wasnt good enuf for them! they were angels and God needed them! who knows maybe they are having a better life there than here!

i know its impossible to ask u to stay strong but thats how we have to be! need to move on so that our moms souls are happy! please keep posting and if u ever need to talk we r all here for u

take care of urself

[Tinsk]

Jenny, I know the place where you are right now. Losing a parent does something to that dark hollow place in your soul and makes it seem so much larger and ominous. My father died last February. He was an alcoholic and his death was a direct effect of his drinking. And what is the first thing I did after he passed? I lapsed into a four month long alcoholic binge myself. I'm not a drinker at all, other than the occasional glass of wine at a party. But at the time it was the only thing I knew how to do to keep my thoughts quiet. My every waking moment was tainted by anger and confusion, and I let those feelings control the rest of my life. I don't know what changed suddenly that brought me out of it, but one day it just didn't seem like the right thing to do anymore. One day it occurred to me that just because my father drank himself to his final resting does NOT mean I need to do the same. I was lucky enough, just like you, to have that final goodbye moment. Although you didn't know it was goodbye at the time, what an amazing gift you were given to have your last words with your mother be I love you. Hold on to that Jenny! I will never forget my goodbye moment with my Dad. Sometimes it's the only thing I've got to cling to when the despair overwhelms me. I'm glad you're here. I wish I'd come here before now. You said this was some of your story; I'm looking forward to hearing more when you're ready.

My Mother died January 10th of this year. It has been incredibly difficult. I'm not even sure why she died yet as the toxicology reports haven't come back. I talked to her at 9:30 the night before. She sounded happy and the last words we exchanged we're I love you. The next day I went to my weekly counseling appointment. Afterwards I drove to my Moms house like every other week. There was no answer at the door. I went back to my apartment about thirty minutes away. Her roommate texted me after I got home asking me where I was. I told her I was at home and asked what my mom was up to. She said that her husband had been upstairs and seen my mom sleeping. I tried to take a nap because I hadn't gotten much sleep the night before but I was restless I finally texted my moms roommate to check on her and that's when I got THE text. The one that would change my life. She told me I better get over there. I put on my shoes and grabbed my purse. When I got in my car the gas light was on. I headed to the nearest gas station. As I was filling up I was calling my. Oms roommate frantically. When she finally answered I stood in the gas station screaming "is she dead??" she told me that she was in fact dead. I asked if she was cold because I wanted to know if there was any chance of saving her. She was cold. I drove down the highway at 90 miles an hour contemplating running my car into a concrete pillar. Things have not gotten much better since. I think of suicide often and was hospitalized in a behavioral health unit for several weeks because of it. I got tired of being there and finally told them I was feeling better. I'm not. My mom was my world and everything seems so pointless without her. It scares me that at any given moment I am less than fifteen minutes away from death and/or multiple organ failure. I don't know if I should go back to the hospital or not. It's not like after two weeks in a psych ward I'm magically going to feel better about my mom being dead. So what's the point? On the other hand I'm just a trip to wal mart away from doing something really stupid. Argh. Anyways. That's some of my story. Thanks for reading.