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They say the first year is the hardest..


SurferrChick

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Feb. 12th marked the year and 7 months since my Mom unexpectedly passed away and Feb. 13th was my Mom and Dad's "would be" 30th Anniversary. I haven't joined a support group, whether it was online or in person, since my Mom passed away, but I finally decided to give it a try.

I'm 21 years old now and I lost my Mom a year and 7 months ago, a few months after turning 20. My Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer when I was 17 and there was a good chance that she wouldn't make it, but thankfully we got another 4 years with her. She was in and out of the hospital a lot.. Especially in the last year of her life. She was so fragile after she was diagnosed and yet she never let my sister and I know how much pain she was in. She was and will forever be the strongest woman I will ever know.

I wrote a diary entry of what happened the night my Mom passed away on July 16th, 4 days after she went to Heaven. I wrote it because I couldn't talk about it but I had to get it out. I'm going to just re-write my diary entry because the memories of the events were so fresh in my mind when I wrote it.

"Friday July 16, 2010It’s 4:38AM and I can’t sleep.. Monday was the most horrible day of my life. It started on Sunday, about 8:45PM and I randomly got a call from my dad. He never calls just to say, “Hi,” especially when he knows I’m at work. The store was already closed and we were just cleaning up, so I answered. He said my mom wasn't breathing well at all and that they were at the Mission Viejo Hospital in the emergency room. My coworker, Ryan and I were talking about it and our assistant manager overheard us talking, and asked what we were talking about, so I told her. She said that I need to go, this is just a stupid job and that they can definitely finish things up.. I needed to be with my family. I got over there as fast as I could, even though it was only across the street, it felt like things were going in slow motion. I saw my dad at the entrance, while my sister sat with our mom in the waiting room. I parked and ran over to where they were.. I got there right before they called her back.. They took her to a small room where she answered questions and told them what was going on.. My dad, sister and I had to go back to the waiting room to get badges so we could go in and out of the back ER area. They took her to room 22 where they put her on an oxygen mask so she could breathe better. The room was somewhat small.. We were in that room for a long time. They took a few x-rays and we waited a while for them to develop.. My mom was SO uncomfortable and it was torture to watch because there was nothing we could do to make her feel better.. We comforted her as much as we could, but I wish we could have done more. They eventually moved her to a bigger room.. It felt like we were in there forever.. They did something where they stuck a needle on the underside of her arm.. I forget what the point of it was, but they were looking for something in her arm and kept poking the needle in.. They gave up with that and it felt like forever until something else happened. It was torture to see her go through so much pain.. To sit there next to the bed, holding her hand while she gasped for air even when she had the oxygen mask on. It said she was getting the maximum amount possible, but it wasn't helping her. It was so hard to see her unable to breathe. To hear her plead, “I just want to go home!” over and over.. To see he cry and reach for my dad because laying down made it even harder for her to breathe. All I was thinking was, “Why the hell aren't they doing anything else?” She finally got the test results from the x-rays and the doctor said that she had some fluid in her lungs. She still couldn't breathe and we had been there for hours.. The doctor asked about intubation because it was “the next best thing.” The only thing was that she had to be put under anesthesia, so they told us to say our “good byes” and then asked us to go to the waiting room. That didn't make sense to me.. I kept thinking, “Why would they tell us to say our good byes? This intubation thing is supposed to help her..” Things were going to take a while for them to set up, so my Dad and I decided to head home really quick.. I wanted to get changed out of my work clothes into some sweats and he wanted to grab something to eat because it was around 1:00AM. My sister stayed at the hospital with one of her best friends. My dad and I got home and I had just gotten changed when we got a call from Courtney (my sister) saying that the doctor wanted us to get back to the hospital as soon as possible. We drove as fast as we could, it’s only a 10 to 15 minute drive to the hospital.. But, when the doctor tells you that you NEED to hurry back, it never seemed like we were going fast enough. We got back, parked the car and ran to the back.. The doors opened up and I see my sister standing in front of the room.. The curtains were shut and there was a lot of commotion going on it the room.. My sister had tears running down her face… I ran over asking her what was going on? She looked at our dad and I with bloodshot eyes and said that when they put our mom under anesthesia, it made her heart stop. It took some effort, but they got her heart beating again. There were a lot of people in the room trying to help keep my mom alive.. It felt like FOREVER until the doctor came out the first time. He told us what my sister had said, and he told us that my mom had been without oxygen for too long and if they could get her to pull through, that she’d have brain damage. She would never be the same. He said we could go in and tell her we love her.. So we did.. We took turns going next to her, holding her hand and whispering in her ear.. Her eyes were open a little, and they had gotten the tube in for the intubation.. The doctor said that she could hear us still.. I just hope she knew it was us still.. We then left the room and they closed the curtains one more time.. And, it felt like another eternity until the doctor came out again.. A few of the nurses went in and out.. And, then the doctor finally came out again. He said that her heart was beating, but only 5% of what it’s supposed to and that what they were doing was only “prolonging the inevitable.” This time, he told us that we could go in and talk to her, sit by her, and hold her until.. Well.. Until the end. My sister and I sat on one side of her bed, my dad on the other. It was hard to speak.. We told her everything we could.. We ran our fingers through her hair that just grew back from when she lost it in her last round of chemotherapy. We hugged her and held her hand.. We knew she could hear us still, so we tried really hard to talk to her throughout our last moments with her. My dad was calling a few people, and he was just leaving a message on her best friend’s phone (my best friends mom) and my sister and I were just laying our heads on the railing, holding our mom’s hand.. I saw my sister look up at the EKG monitor and so I looked up too.. Our mom’s EKG monitor had flat lined.. It was 2:00AM and our mother had officially left us.. My sister and I just crumbled.. Saying that it was the hardest thing to see that her heartbeat had stopped is an understatement.. I have no words to explain how horrible and how confusing it was to see her monitor flat line but because of the intubation machine, her chest was still going up and down. She was gone, but her chest was still moving up and down as if she was still alive.. My Dad and the doctors said we should leave the room.. My sister and I barely made it to the waiting room chairs and just fell apart all over again.. My dad’s best friend was there and two of Courtney’s friends and her boyfriend were there. I fell apart and my sister’s best friend, Mel (who lost her step mother to breast cancer) held me, while my sister fell apart in her boyfriend’s arms. My dad.. Well, he was trying to be strong for us.. He cried, but not that much when he was in front of us.. It took us a long time to gain our strength to leave.. We got home, my dad went to sleep, he was so emotionally exhausted, my sister and I stayed in the living room and I eventually passed out from being emotionally drained and just from pure exhaustion. My sister didn’t get any sleep I don’t think…"

The next day, family and friends were over at our house all day. It was an absolute blur for me, I just remember being outside a lot. It was July and for the first day that summer, it was sunny and warm ALL day. I don't remember much of that day, but I remember thinking that it was my Mom telling us she was okay. Only a few weeks later my Grandma went to the hospital for almost the same thing and she passed away not long after. A few other things occurred at the same time that were life-changing. I miss my Mom, she was my everything and she was always there for anyone who needed her. She was always a call away or just there when my sister or I needed her. It's been so hard to go through a lot of hard life-changing situations right after she passed away and not having her there to talk to. My sister and I told her everything and were so very close with her. I've been trying to keep my life going the way it was before my Mom passed away, but my life did a total 180 the night she went to Heaven. I quit my job because they expected me to work the day she died and that was totally unacceptable. Ever since then, I've gotten a few jobs, but got laid off because of the economy. I tried to continue my education right after and I don't remember much of the classes I took. I needed a change so I moved out of state and getting away from all the memories has helped and I can go back and it's not as hard. I'm thinking about moving back and trying my luck at finding a job back in my home state after getting laid off recently from my job up where I live now. I just wish I was more like my Dad and my older Sister because my Dad has had a career for a long time and my Sister who is 8 years older than me, was less than a semester away from getting her Masters when our Mom passed away. I've never felt more lost and more confused about life and what I want to do and get disappointed in myself because I'm STILL trying to figure it all out even though my Mom passed away over a year ago. I mean, I have accomplished a lot since then, but I'm still frustrated with myself. People say the first year is the hardest, and with all the extra things that went on in the first year after losing my Mom, I've been set back even more. I've done a lot of things to try to keep my life going and to keep me busy, but for the things that matter for someone at my age (school and working) I'm not having the best of luck. Going through these past few days that remind me of my Mom, just made me think a lot about everything again and I've just been so lost since I lost my Mom... I'm sorry this is a long post, the story of what happened to my Mom isn't short and I don't know how to shorten the story any more than it is.. I just really wanted to let it out, I've been feeling my emotions build up since the holidays.

Thank you for reading this and again, I'm sorry it's so long

~ Katie

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Feb. 12th marked the year and 7 months since my Mom unexpectedly passed away and Feb. 13th was my Mom and Dad's "would be" 30th Anniversary. I haven't joined a support group, whether it was online or in person, since my Mom passed away, but I finally decided to give it a try.

I'm 21 years old now and I lost my Mom a year and 7 months ago, a few months after turning 20. My Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer when I was 17 and there was a good chance that she wouldn't make it, but thankfully we got another 4 years with her. She was in and out of the hospital a lot.. Especially in the last year of her life. She was so fragile after she was diagnosed and yet she never let my sister and I know how much pain she was in. She was and will forever be the strongest woman I will ever know.

I wrote a diary entry of what happened the night my Mom passed away on July 16th, 4 days after she went to Heaven. I wrote it because I couldn't talk about it but I had to get it out. I'm going to just re-write my diary entry because the memories of the events were so fresh in my mind when I wrote it.

"Friday July 16, 2010It’s 4:38AM and I can’t sleep.. Monday was the most horrible day of my life. It started on Sunday, about 8:45PM and I randomly got a call from my dad. He never calls just to say, “Hi,” especially when he knows I’m at work. The store was already closed and we were just cleaning up, so I answered. He said my mom wasn't breathing well at all and that they were at the Mission Viejo Hospital in the emergency room. My coworker, Ryan and I were talking about it and our assistant manager overheard us talking, and asked what we were talking about, so I told her. She said that I need to go, this is just a stupid job and that they can definitely finish things up.. I needed to be with my family. I got over there as fast as I could, even though it was only across the street, it felt like things were going in slow motion. I saw my dad at the entrance, while my sister sat with our mom in the waiting room. I parked and ran over to where they were.. I got there right before they called her back.. They took her to a small room where she answered questions and told them what was going on.. My dad, sister and I had to go back to the waiting room to get badges so we could go in and out of the back ER area. They took her to room 22 where they put her on an oxygen mask so she could breathe better. The room was somewhat small.. We were in that room for a long time. They took a few x-rays and we waited a while for them to develop.. My mom was SO uncomfortable and it was torture to watch because there was nothing we could do to make her feel better.. We comforted her as much as we could, but I wish we could have done more. They eventually moved her to a bigger room.. It felt like we were in there forever.. They did something where they stuck a needle on the underside of her arm.. I forget what the point of it was, but they were looking for something in her arm and kept poking the needle in.. They gave up with that and it felt like forever until something else happened. It was torture to see her go through so much pain.. To sit there next to the bed, holding her hand while she gasped for air even when she had the oxygen mask on. It said she was getting the maximum amount possible, but it wasn't helping her. It was so hard to see her unable to breathe. To hear her plead, “I just want to go home!” over and over.. To see he cry and reach for my dad because laying down made it even harder for her to breathe. All I was thinking was, “Why the hell aren't they doing anything else?” She finally got the test results from the x-rays and the doctor said that she had some fluid in her lungs. She still couldn't breathe and we had been there for hours.. The doctor asked about intubation because it was “the next best thing.” The only thing was that she had to be put under anesthesia, so they told us to say our “good byes” and then asked us to go to the waiting room. That didn't make sense to me.. I kept thinking, “Why would they tell us to say our good byes? This intubation thing is supposed to help her..” Things were going to take a while for them to set up, so my Dad and I decided to head home really quick.. I wanted to get changed out of my work clothes into some sweats and he wanted to grab something to eat because it was around 1:00AM. My sister stayed at the hospital with one of her best friends. My dad and I got home and I had just gotten changed when we got a call from Courtney (my sister) saying that the doctor wanted us to get back to the hospital as soon as possible. We drove as fast as we could, it’s only a 10 to 15 minute drive to the hospital.. But, when the doctor tells you that you NEED to hurry back, it never seemed like we were going fast enough. We got back, parked the car and ran to the back.. The doors opened up and I see my sister standing in front of the room.. The curtains were shut and there was a lot of commotion going on it the room.. My sister had tears running down her face… I ran over asking her what was going on? She looked at our dad and I with bloodshot eyes and said that when they put our mom under anesthesia, it made her heart stop. It took some effort, but they got her heart beating again. There were a lot of people in the room trying to help keep my mom alive.. It felt like FOREVER until the doctor came out the first time. He told us what my sister had said, and he told us that my mom had been without oxygen for too long and if they could get her to pull through, that she’d have brain damage. She would never be the same. He said we could go in and tell her we love her.. So we did.. We took turns going next to her, holding her hand and whispering in her ear.. Her eyes were open a little, and they had gotten the tube in for the intubation.. The doctor said that she could hear us still.. I just hope she knew it was us still.. We then left the room and they closed the curtains one more time.. And, it felt like another eternity until the doctor came out again.. A few of the nurses went in and out.. And, then the doctor finally came out again. He said that her heart was beating, but only 5% of what it’s supposed to and that what they were doing was only “prolonging the inevitable.” This time, he told us that we could go in and talk to her, sit by her, and hold her until.. Well.. Until the end. My sister and I sat on one side of her bed, my dad on the other. It was hard to speak.. We told her everything we could.. We ran our fingers through her hair that just grew back from when she lost it in her last round of chemotherapy. We hugged her and held her hand.. We knew she could hear us still, so we tried really hard to talk to her throughout our last moments with her. My dad was calling a few people, and he was just leaving a message on her best friend’s phone (my best friends mom) and my sister and I were just laying our heads on the railing, holding our mom’s hand.. I saw my sister look up at the EKG monitor and so I looked up too.. Our mom’s EKG monitor had flat lined.. It was 2:00AM and our mother had officially left us.. My sister and I just crumbled.. Saying that it was the hardest thing to see that her heartbeat had stopped is an understatement.. I have no words to explain how horrible and how confusing it was to see her monitor flat line but because of the intubation machine, her chest was still going up and down. She was gone, but her chest was still moving up and down as if she was still alive.. My Dad and the doctors said we should leave the room.. My sister and I barely made it to the waiting room chairs and just fell apart all over again.. My dad’s best friend was there and two of Courtney’s friends and her boyfriend were there. I fell apart and my sister’s best friend, Mel (who lost her step mother to breast cancer) held me, while my sister fell apart in her boyfriend’s arms. My dad.. Well, he was trying to be strong for us.. He cried, but not that much when he was in front of us.. It took us a long time to gain our strength to leave.. We got home, my dad went to sleep, he was so emotionally exhausted, my sister and I stayed in the living room and I eventually passed out from being emotionally drained and just from pure exhaustion. My sister didn’t get any sleep I don’t think…"

The next day, family and friends were over at our house all day. It was an absolute blur for me, I just remember being outside a lot. It was July and for the first day that summer, it was sunny and warm ALL day. I don't remember much of that day, but I remember thinking that it was my Mom telling us she was okay. Only a few weeks later my Grandma went to the hospital for almost the same thing and she passed away not long after. A few other things occurred at the same time that were life-changing. I miss my Mom, she was my everything and she was always there for anyone who needed her. She was always a call away or just there when my sister or I needed her. It's been so hard to go through a lot of hard life-changing situations right after she passed away and not having her there to talk to. My sister and I told her everything and were so very close with her. I've been trying to keep my life going the way it was before my Mom passed away, but my life did a total 180 the night she went to Heaven. I quit my job because they expected me to work the day she died and that was totally unacceptable. Ever since then, I've gotten a few jobs, but got laid off because of the economy. I tried to continue my education right after and I don't remember much of the classes I took. I needed a change so I moved out of state and getting away from all the memories has helped and I can go back and it's not as hard. I'm thinking about moving back and trying my luck at finding a job back in my home state after getting laid off recently from my job up where I live now. I just wish I was more like my Dad and my older Sister because my Dad has had a career for a long time and my Sister who is 8 years older than me, was less than a semester away from getting her Masters when our Mom passed away. I've never felt more lost and more confused about life and what I want to do and get disappointed in myself because I'm STILL trying to figure it all out even though my Mom passed away over a year ago. I mean, I have accomplished a lot since then, but I'm still frustrated with myself. People say the first year is the hardest, and with all the extra things that went on in the first year after losing my Mom, I've been set back even more. I've done a lot of things to try to keep my life going and to keep me busy, but for the things that matter for someone at my age (school and working) I'm not having the best of luck. Going through these past few days that remind me of my Mom, just made me think a lot about everything again and I've just been so lost since I lost my Mom... I'm sorry this is a long post, the story of what happened to my Mom isn't short and I don't know how to shorten the story any more than it is.. I just really wanted to let it out, I've been feeling my emotions build up since the holidays.

Thank you for reading this and again, I'm sorry it's so long

~ Katie

Katie,

Your post wasn't that long. I hung on your every word. I am so very very sorry for the loss of your mom. And to think your work wanted you to come in the same day she passed? What in the world???? That's inhumane.

Please continue to move forward even though you are having setbacks. That's okay and perfectly normal. Keep looking for a job you like, and keep trying to work in school. I know it is very tough, but your mom would certainly want you to keep moving forward. Letting out your emotions is so helpful. It will make you feel better.

So what kind of school do you do? What kind of work are you looking for? How is your dad and sister doing?

We will be here to listen to you.

ModKonnie

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Feb. 12th marked the year and 7 months since my Mom unexpectedly passed away and Feb. 13th was my Mom and Dad's "would be" 30th Anniversary. I haven't joined a support group, whether it was online or in person, since my Mom passed away, but I finally decided to give it a try.

I'm 21 years old now and I lost my Mom a year and 7 months ago, a few months after turning 20. My Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer when I was 17 and there was a good chance that she wouldn't make it, but thankfully we got another 4 years with her. She was in and out of the hospital a lot.. Especially in the last year of her life. She was so fragile after she was diagnosed and yet she never let my sister and I know how much pain she was in. She was and will forever be the strongest woman I will ever know.

I wrote a diary entry of what happened the night my Mom passed away on July 16th, 4 days after she went to Heaven. I wrote it because I couldn't talk about it but I had to get it out. I'm going to just re-write my diary entry because the memories of the events were so fresh in my mind when I wrote it.

"Friday July 16, 2010It’s 4:38AM and I can’t sleep.. Monday was the most horrible day of my life. It started on Sunday, about 8:45PM and I randomly got a call from my dad. He never calls just to say, “Hi,” especially when he knows I’m at work. The store was already closed and we were just cleaning up, so I answered. He said my mom wasn't breathing well at all and that they were at the Mission Viejo Hospital in the emergency room. My coworker, Ryan and I were talking about it and our assistant manager overheard us talking, and asked what we were talking about, so I told her. She said that I need to go, this is just a stupid job and that they can definitely finish things up.. I needed to be with my family. I got over there as fast as I could, even though it was only across the street, it felt like things were going in slow motion. I saw my dad at the entrance, while my sister sat with our mom in the waiting room. I parked and ran over to where they were.. I got there right before they called her back.. They took her to a small room where she answered questions and told them what was going on.. My dad, sister and I had to go back to the waiting room to get badges so we could go in and out of the back ER area. They took her to room 22 where they put her on an oxygen mask so she could breathe better. The room was somewhat small.. We were in that room for a long time. They took a few x-rays and we waited a while for them to develop.. My mom was SO uncomfortable and it was torture to watch because there was nothing we could do to make her feel better.. We comforted her as much as we could, but I wish we could have done more. They eventually moved her to a bigger room.. It felt like we were in there forever.. They did something where they stuck a needle on the underside of her arm.. I forget what the point of it was, but they were looking for something in her arm and kept poking the needle in.. They gave up with that and it felt like forever until something else happened. It was torture to see her go through so much pain.. To sit there next to the bed, holding her hand while she gasped for air even when she had the oxygen mask on. It said she was getting the maximum amount possible, but it wasn't helping her. It was so hard to see her unable to breathe. To hear her plead, “I just want to go home!” over and over.. To see he cry and reach for my dad because laying down made it even harder for her to breathe. All I was thinking was, “Why the hell aren't they doing anything else?” She finally got the test results from the x-rays and the doctor said that she had some fluid in her lungs. She still couldn't breathe and we had been there for hours.. The doctor asked about intubation because it was “the next best thing.” The only thing was that she had to be put under anesthesia, so they told us to say our “good byes” and then asked us to go to the waiting room. That didn't make sense to me.. I kept thinking, “Why would they tell us to say our good byes? This intubation thing is supposed to help her..” Things were going to take a while for them to set up, so my Dad and I decided to head home really quick.. I wanted to get changed out of my work clothes into some sweats and he wanted to grab something to eat because it was around 1:00AM. My sister stayed at the hospital with one of her best friends. My dad and I got home and I had just gotten changed when we got a call from Courtney (my sister) saying that the doctor wanted us to get back to the hospital as soon as possible. We drove as fast as we could, it’s only a 10 to 15 minute drive to the hospital.. But, when the doctor tells you that you NEED to hurry back, it never seemed like we were going fast enough. We got back, parked the car and ran to the back.. The doors opened up and I see my sister standing in front of the room.. The curtains were shut and there was a lot of commotion going on it the room.. My sister had tears running down her face… I ran over asking her what was going on? She looked at our dad and I with bloodshot eyes and said that when they put our mom under anesthesia, it made her heart stop. It took some effort, but they got her heart beating again. There were a lot of people in the room trying to help keep my mom alive.. It felt like FOREVER until the doctor came out the first time. He told us what my sister had said, and he told us that my mom had been without oxygen for too long and if they could get her to pull through, that she’d have brain damage. She would never be the same. He said we could go in and tell her we love her.. So we did.. We took turns going next to her, holding her hand and whispering in her ear.. Her eyes were open a little, and they had gotten the tube in for the intubation.. The doctor said that she could hear us still.. I just hope she knew it was us still.. We then left the room and they closed the curtains one more time.. And, it felt like another eternity until the doctor came out again.. A few of the nurses went in and out.. And, then the doctor finally came out again. He said that her heart was beating, but only 5% of what it’s supposed to and that what they were doing was only “prolonging the inevitable.” This time, he told us that we could go in and talk to her, sit by her, and hold her until.. Well.. Until the end. My sister and I sat on one side of her bed, my dad on the other. It was hard to speak.. We told her everything we could.. We ran our fingers through her hair that just grew back from when she lost it in her last round of chemotherapy. We hugged her and held her hand.. We knew she could hear us still, so we tried really hard to talk to her throughout our last moments with her. My dad was calling a few people, and he was just leaving a message on her best friend’s phone (my best friends mom) and my sister and I were just laying our heads on the railing, holding our mom’s hand.. I saw my sister look up at the EKG monitor and so I looked up too.. Our mom’s EKG monitor had flat lined.. It was 2:00AM and our mother had officially left us.. My sister and I just crumbled.. Saying that it was the hardest thing to see that her heartbeat had stopped is an understatement.. I have no words to explain how horrible and how confusing it was to see her monitor flat line but because of the intubation machine, her chest was still going up and down. She was gone, but her chest was still moving up and down as if she was still alive.. My Dad and the doctors said we should leave the room.. My sister and I barely made it to the waiting room chairs and just fell apart all over again.. My dad’s best friend was there and two of Courtney’s friends and her boyfriend were there. I fell apart and my sister’s best friend, Mel (who lost her step mother to breast cancer) held me, while my sister fell apart in her boyfriend’s arms. My dad.. Well, he was trying to be strong for us.. He cried, but not that much when he was in front of us.. It took us a long time to gain our strength to leave.. We got home, my dad went to sleep, he was so emotionally exhausted, my sister and I stayed in the living room and I eventually passed out from being emotionally drained and just from pure exhaustion. My sister didn’t get any sleep I don’t think…"

The next day, family and friends were over at our house all day. It was an absolute blur for me, I just remember being outside a lot. It was July and for the first day that summer, it was sunny and warm ALL day. I don't remember much of that day, but I remember thinking that it was my Mom telling us she was okay. Only a few weeks later my Grandma went to the hospital for almost the same thing and she passed away not long after. A few other things occurred at the same time that were life-changing. I miss my Mom, she was my everything and she was always there for anyone who needed her. She was always a call away or just there when my sister or I needed her. It's been so hard to go through a lot of hard life-changing situations right after she passed away and not having her there to talk to. My sister and I told her everything and were so very close with her. I've been trying to keep my life going the way it was before my Mom passed away, but my life did a total 180 the night she went to Heaven. I quit my job because they expected me to work the day she died and that was totally unacceptable. Ever since then, I've gotten a few jobs, but got laid off because of the economy. I tried to continue my education right after and I don't remember much of the classes I took. I needed a change so I moved out of state and getting away from all the memories has helped and I can go back and it's not as hard. I'm thinking about moving back and trying my luck at finding a job back in my home state after getting laid off recently from my job up where I live now. I just wish I was more like my Dad and my older Sister because my Dad has had a career for a long time and my Sister who is 8 years older than me, was less than a semester away from getting her Masters when our Mom passed away. I've never felt more lost and more confused about life and what I want to do and get disappointed in myself because I'm STILL trying to figure it all out even though my Mom passed away over a year ago. I mean, I have accomplished a lot since then, but I'm still frustrated with myself. People say the first year is the hardest, and with all the extra things that went on in the first year after losing my Mom, I've been set back even more. I've done a lot of things to try to keep my life going and to keep me busy, but for the things that matter for someone at my age (school and working) I'm not having the best of luck. Going through these past few days that remind me of my Mom, just made me think a lot about everything again and I've just been so lost since I lost my Mom... I'm sorry this is a long post, the story of what happened to my Mom isn't short and I don't know how to shorten the story any more than it is.. I just really wanted to let it out, I've been feeling my emotions build up since the holidays.

Thank you for reading this and again, I'm sorry it's so long

~ Katie

Katie,

Your post wasn't that long. I hung on your every word. I am so very very sorry for the loss of your mom. And to think your work wanted you to come in the same day she passed? What in the world???? That's inhumane.

Please continue to move forward even though you are having setbacks. That's okay and perfectly normal. Keep looking for a job you like, and keep trying to work in school. I know it is very tough, but your mom would certainly want you to keep moving forward. Letting out your emotions is so helpful. It will make you feel better.

So what kind of school do you do? What kind of work are you looking for? How is your dad and sister doing?

We will be here to listen to you.

ModKonnie

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Feb. 12th marked the year and 7 months since my Mom unexpectedly passed away and Feb. 13th was my Mom and Dad's "would be" 30th Anniversary. I haven't joined a support group, whether it was online or in person, since my Mom passed away, but I finally decided to give it a try.

I'm 21 years old now and I lost my Mom a year and 7 months ago, a few months after turning 20. My Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer when I was 17 and there was a good chance that she wouldn't make it, but thankfully we got another 4 years with her. She was in and out of the hospital a lot.. Especially in the last year of her life. She was so fragile after she was diagnosed and yet she never let my sister and I know how much pain she was in. She was and will forever be the strongest woman I will ever know.

I wrote a diary entry of what happened the night my Mom passed away on July 16th, 4 days after she went to Heaven. I wrote it because I couldn't talk about it but I had to get it out. I'm going to just re-write my diary entry because the memories of the events were so fresh in my mind when I wrote it.

"Friday July 16, 2010It’s 4:38AM and I can’t sleep.. Monday was the most horrible day of my life. It started on Sunday, about 8:45PM and I randomly got a call from my dad. He never calls just to say, “Hi,” especially when he knows I’m at work. The store was already closed and we were just cleaning up, so I answered. He said my mom wasn't breathing well at all and that they were at the Mission Viejo Hospital in the emergency room. My coworker, Ryan and I were talking about it and our assistant manager overheard us talking, and asked what we were talking about, so I told her. She said that I need to go, this is just a stupid job and that they can definitely finish things up.. I needed to be with my family. I got over there as fast as I could, even though it was only across the street, it felt like things were going in slow motion. I saw my dad at the entrance, while my sister sat with our mom in the waiting room. I parked and ran over to where they were.. I got there right before they called her back.. They took her to a small room where she answered questions and told them what was going on.. My dad, sister and I had to go back to the waiting room to get badges so we could go in and out of the back ER area. They took her to room 22 where they put her on an oxygen mask so she could breathe better. The room was somewhat small.. We were in that room for a long time. They took a few x-rays and we waited a while for them to develop.. My mom was SO uncomfortable and it was torture to watch because there was nothing we could do to make her feel better.. We comforted her as much as we could, but I wish we could have done more. They eventually moved her to a bigger room.. It felt like we were in there forever.. They did something where they stuck a needle on the underside of her arm.. I forget what the point of it was, but they were looking for something in her arm and kept poking the needle in.. They gave up with that and it felt like forever until something else happened. It was torture to see her go through so much pain.. To sit there next to the bed, holding her hand while she gasped for air even when she had the oxygen mask on. It said she was getting the maximum amount possible, but it wasn't helping her. It was so hard to see her unable to breathe. To hear her plead, “I just want to go home!” over and over.. To see he cry and reach for my dad because laying down made it even harder for her to breathe. All I was thinking was, “Why the hell aren't they doing anything else?” She finally got the test results from the x-rays and the doctor said that she had some fluid in her lungs. She still couldn't breathe and we had been there for hours.. The doctor asked about intubation because it was “the next best thing.” The only thing was that she had to be put under anesthesia, so they told us to say our “good byes” and then asked us to go to the waiting room. That didn't make sense to me.. I kept thinking, “Why would they tell us to say our good byes? This intubation thing is supposed to help her..” Things were going to take a while for them to set up, so my Dad and I decided to head home really quick.. I wanted to get changed out of my work clothes into some sweats and he wanted to grab something to eat because it was around 1:00AM. My sister stayed at the hospital with one of her best friends. My dad and I got home and I had just gotten changed when we got a call from Courtney (my sister) saying that the doctor wanted us to get back to the hospital as soon as possible. We drove as fast as we could, it’s only a 10 to 15 minute drive to the hospital.. But, when the doctor tells you that you NEED to hurry back, it never seemed like we were going fast enough. We got back, parked the car and ran to the back.. The doors opened up and I see my sister standing in front of the room.. The curtains were shut and there was a lot of commotion going on it the room.. My sister had tears running down her face… I ran over asking her what was going on? She looked at our dad and I with bloodshot eyes and said that when they put our mom under anesthesia, it made her heart stop. It took some effort, but they got her heart beating again. There were a lot of people in the room trying to help keep my mom alive.. It felt like FOREVER until the doctor came out the first time. He told us what my sister had said, and he told us that my mom had been without oxygen for too long and if they could get her to pull through, that she’d have brain damage. She would never be the same. He said we could go in and tell her we love her.. So we did.. We took turns going next to her, holding her hand and whispering in her ear.. Her eyes were open a little, and they had gotten the tube in for the intubation.. The doctor said that she could hear us still.. I just hope she knew it was us still.. We then left the room and they closed the curtains one more time.. And, it felt like another eternity until the doctor came out again.. A few of the nurses went in and out.. And, then the doctor finally came out again. He said that her heart was beating, but only 5% of what it’s supposed to and that what they were doing was only “prolonging the inevitable.” This time, he told us that we could go in and talk to her, sit by her, and hold her until.. Well.. Until the end. My sister and I sat on one side of her bed, my dad on the other. It was hard to speak.. We told her everything we could.. We ran our fingers through her hair that just grew back from when she lost it in her last round of chemotherapy. We hugged her and held her hand.. We knew she could hear us still, so we tried really hard to talk to her throughout our last moments with her. My dad was calling a few people, and he was just leaving a message on her best friend’s phone (my best friends mom) and my sister and I were just laying our heads on the railing, holding our mom’s hand.. I saw my sister look up at the EKG monitor and so I looked up too.. Our mom’s EKG monitor had flat lined.. It was 2:00AM and our mother had officially left us.. My sister and I just crumbled.. Saying that it was the hardest thing to see that her heartbeat had stopped is an understatement.. I have no words to explain how horrible and how confusing it was to see her monitor flat line but because of the intubation machine, her chest was still going up and down. She was gone, but her chest was still moving up and down as if she was still alive.. My Dad and the doctors said we should leave the room.. My sister and I barely made it to the waiting room chairs and just fell apart all over again.. My dad’s best friend was there and two of Courtney’s friends and her boyfriend were there. I fell apart and my sister’s best friend, Mel (who lost her step mother to breast cancer) held me, while my sister fell apart in her boyfriend’s arms. My dad.. Well, he was trying to be strong for us.. He cried, but not that much when he was in front of us.. It took us a long time to gain our strength to leave.. We got home, my dad went to sleep, he was so emotionally exhausted, my sister and I stayed in the living room and I eventually passed out from being emotionally drained and just from pure exhaustion. My sister didn’t get any sleep I don’t think…"

The next day, family and friends were over at our house all day. It was an absolute blur for me, I just remember being outside a lot. It was July and for the first day that summer, it was sunny and warm ALL day. I don't remember much of that day, but I remember thinking that it was my Mom telling us she was okay. Only a few weeks later my Grandma went to the hospital for almost the same thing and she passed away not long after. A few other things occurred at the same time that were life-changing. I miss my Mom, she was my everything and she was always there for anyone who needed her. She was always a call away or just there when my sister or I needed her. It's been so hard to go through a lot of hard life-changing situations right after she passed away and not having her there to talk to. My sister and I told her everything and were so very close with her. I've been trying to keep my life going the way it was before my Mom passed away, but my life did a total 180 the night she went to Heaven. I quit my job because they expected me to work the day she died and that was totally unacceptable. Ever since then, I've gotten a few jobs, but got laid off because of the economy. I tried to continue my education right after and I don't remember much of the classes I took. I needed a change so I moved out of state and getting away from all the memories has helped and I can go back and it's not as hard. I'm thinking about moving back and trying my luck at finding a job back in my home state after getting laid off recently from my job up where I live now. I just wish I was more like my Dad and my older Sister because my Dad has had a career for a long time and my Sister who is 8 years older than me, was less than a semester away from getting her Masters when our Mom passed away. I've never felt more lost and more confused about life and what I want to do and get disappointed in myself because I'm STILL trying to figure it all out even though my Mom passed away over a year ago. I mean, I have accomplished a lot since then, but I'm still frustrated with myself. People say the first year is the hardest, and with all the extra things that went on in the first year after losing my Mom, I've been set back even more. I've done a lot of things to try to keep my life going and to keep me busy, but for the things that matter for someone at my age (school and working) I'm not having the best of luck. Going through these past few days that remind me of my Mom, just made me think a lot about everything again and I've just been so lost since I lost my Mom... I'm sorry this is a long post, the story of what happened to my Mom isn't short and I don't know how to shorten the story any more than it is.. I just really wanted to let it out, I've been feeling my emotions build up since the holidays.

Thank you for reading this and again, I'm sorry it's so long

~ Katie

Katie,

Your post wasn't that long. I hung on your every word. I am so very very sorry for the loss of your mom. And to think your work wanted you to come in the same day she passed? What in the world???? That's inhumane.

Please continue to move forward even though you are having setbacks. That's okay and perfectly normal. Keep looking for a job you like, and keep trying to work in school. I know it is very tough, but your mom would certainly want you to keep moving forward. Letting out your emotions is so helpful. It will make you feel better.

So what kind of school do you do? What kind of work are you looking for? How is your dad and sister doing?

We will be here to listen to you.

ModKonnie

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Feb. 12th marked the year and 7 months since my Mom unexpectedly passed away and Feb. 13th was my Mom and Dad's "would be" 30th Anniversary. I haven't joined a support group, whether it was online or in person, since my Mom passed away, but I finally decided to give it a try.

I'm 21 years old now and I lost my Mom a year and 7 months ago, a few months after turning 20. My Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer when I was 17 and there was a good chance that she wouldn't make it, but thankfully we got another 4 years with her. She was in and out of the hospital a lot.. Especially in the last year of her life. She was so fragile after she was diagnosed and yet she never let my sister and I know how much pain she was in. She was and will forever be the strongest woman I will ever know.

I wrote a diary entry of what happened the night my Mom passed away on July 16th, 4 days after she went to Heaven. I wrote it because I couldn't talk about it but I had to get it out. I'm going to just re-write my diary entry because the memories of the events were so fresh in my mind when I wrote it.

"Friday July 16, 2010It’s 4:38AM and I can’t sleep.. Monday was the most horrible day of my life. It started on Sunday, about 8:45PM and I randomly got a call from my dad. He never calls just to say, “Hi,” especially when he knows I’m at work. The store was already closed and we were just cleaning up, so I answered. He said my mom wasn't breathing well at all and that they were at the Mission Viejo Hospital in the emergency room. My coworker, Ryan and I were talking about it and our assistant manager overheard us talking, and asked what we were talking about, so I told her. She said that I need to go, this is just a stupid job and that they can definitely finish things up.. I needed to be with my family. I got over there as fast as I could, even though it was only across the street, it felt like things were going in slow motion. I saw my dad at the entrance, while my sister sat with our mom in the waiting room. I parked and ran over to where they were.. I got there right before they called her back.. They took her to a small room where she answered questions and told them what was going on.. My dad, sister and I had to go back to the waiting room to get badges so we could go in and out of the back ER area. They took her to room 22 where they put her on an oxygen mask so she could breathe better. The room was somewhat small.. We were in that room for a long time. They took a few x-rays and we waited a while for them to develop.. My mom was SO uncomfortable and it was torture to watch because there was nothing we could do to make her feel better.. We comforted her as much as we could, but I wish we could have done more. They eventually moved her to a bigger room.. It felt like we were in there forever.. They did something where they stuck a needle on the underside of her arm.. I forget what the point of it was, but they were looking for something in her arm and kept poking the needle in.. They gave up with that and it felt like forever until something else happened. It was torture to see her go through so much pain.. To sit there next to the bed, holding her hand while she gasped for air even when she had the oxygen mask on. It said she was getting the maximum amount possible, but it wasn't helping her. It was so hard to see her unable to breathe. To hear her plead, “I just want to go home!” over and over.. To see he cry and reach for my dad because laying down made it even harder for her to breathe. All I was thinking was, “Why the hell aren't they doing anything else?” She finally got the test results from the x-rays and the doctor said that she had some fluid in her lungs. She still couldn't breathe and we had been there for hours.. The doctor asked about intubation because it was “the next best thing.” The only thing was that she had to be put under anesthesia, so they told us to say our “good byes” and then asked us to go to the waiting room. That didn't make sense to me.. I kept thinking, “Why would they tell us to say our good byes? This intubation thing is supposed to help her..” Things were going to take a while for them to set up, so my Dad and I decided to head home really quick.. I wanted to get changed out of my work clothes into some sweats and he wanted to grab something to eat because it was around 1:00AM. My sister stayed at the hospital with one of her best friends. My dad and I got home and I had just gotten changed when we got a call from Courtney (my sister) saying that the doctor wanted us to get back to the hospital as soon as possible. We drove as fast as we could, it’s only a 10 to 15 minute drive to the hospital.. But, when the doctor tells you that you NEED to hurry back, it never seemed like we were going fast enough. We got back, parked the car and ran to the back.. The doors opened up and I see my sister standing in front of the room.. The curtains were shut and there was a lot of commotion going on it the room.. My sister had tears running down her face… I ran over asking her what was going on? She looked at our dad and I with bloodshot eyes and said that when they put our mom under anesthesia, it made her heart stop. It took some effort, but they got her heart beating again. There were a lot of people in the room trying to help keep my mom alive.. It felt like FOREVER until the doctor came out the first time. He told us what my sister had said, and he told us that my mom had been without oxygen for too long and if they could get her to pull through, that she’d have brain damage. She would never be the same. He said we could go in and tell her we love her.. So we did.. We took turns going next to her, holding her hand and whispering in her ear.. Her eyes were open a little, and they had gotten the tube in for the intubation.. The doctor said that she could hear us still.. I just hope she knew it was us still.. We then left the room and they closed the curtains one more time.. And, it felt like another eternity until the doctor came out again.. A few of the nurses went in and out.. And, then the doctor finally came out again. He said that her heart was beating, but only 5% of what it’s supposed to and that what they were doing was only “prolonging the inevitable.” This time, he told us that we could go in and talk to her, sit by her, and hold her until.. Well.. Until the end. My sister and I sat on one side of her bed, my dad on the other. It was hard to speak.. We told her everything we could.. We ran our fingers through her hair that just grew back from when she lost it in her last round of chemotherapy. We hugged her and held her hand.. We knew she could hear us still, so we tried really hard to talk to her throughout our last moments with her. My dad was calling a few people, and he was just leaving a message on her best friend’s phone (my best friends mom) and my sister and I were just laying our heads on the railing, holding our mom’s hand.. I saw my sister look up at the EKG monitor and so I looked up too.. Our mom’s EKG monitor had flat lined.. It was 2:00AM and our mother had officially left us.. My sister and I just crumbled.. Saying that it was the hardest thing to see that her heartbeat had stopped is an understatement.. I have no words to explain how horrible and how confusing it was to see her monitor flat line but because of the intubation machine, her chest was still going up and down. She was gone, but her chest was still moving up and down as if she was still alive.. My Dad and the doctors said we should leave the room.. My sister and I barely made it to the waiting room chairs and just fell apart all over again.. My dad’s best friend was there and two of Courtney’s friends and her boyfriend were there. I fell apart and my sister’s best friend, Mel (who lost her step mother to breast cancer) held me, while my sister fell apart in her boyfriend’s arms. My dad.. Well, he was trying to be strong for us.. He cried, but not that much when he was in front of us.. It took us a long time to gain our strength to leave.. We got home, my dad went to sleep, he was so emotionally exhausted, my sister and I stayed in the living room and I eventually passed out from being emotionally drained and just from pure exhaustion. My sister didn’t get any sleep I don’t think…"

The next day, family and friends were over at our house all day. It was an absolute blur for me, I just remember being outside a lot. It was July and for the first day that summer, it was sunny and warm ALL day. I don't remember much of that day, but I remember thinking that it was my Mom telling us she was okay. Only a few weeks later my Grandma went to the hospital for almost the same thing and she passed away not long after. A few other things occurred at the same time that were life-changing. I miss my Mom, she was my everything and she was always there for anyone who needed her. She was always a call away or just there when my sister or I needed her. It's been so hard to go through a lot of hard life-changing situations right after she passed away and not having her there to talk to. My sister and I told her everything and were so very close with her. I've been trying to keep my life going the way it was before my Mom passed away, but my life did a total 180 the night she went to Heaven. I quit my job because they expected me to work the day she died and that was totally unacceptable. Ever since then, I've gotten a few jobs, but got laid off because of the economy. I tried to continue my education right after and I don't remember much of the classes I took. I needed a change so I moved out of state and getting away from all the memories has helped and I can go back and it's not as hard. I'm thinking about moving back and trying my luck at finding a job back in my home state after getting laid off recently from my job up where I live now. I just wish I was more like my Dad and my older Sister because my Dad has had a career for a long time and my Sister who is 8 years older than me, was less than a semester away from getting her Masters when our Mom passed away. I've never felt more lost and more confused about life and what I want to do and get disappointed in myself because I'm STILL trying to figure it all out even though my Mom passed away over a year ago. I mean, I have accomplished a lot since then, but I'm still frustrated with myself. People say the first year is the hardest, and with all the extra things that went on in the first year after losing my Mom, I've been set back even more. I've done a lot of things to try to keep my life going and to keep me busy, but for the things that matter for someone at my age (school and working) I'm not having the best of luck. Going through these past few days that remind me of my Mom, just made me think a lot about everything again and I've just been so lost since I lost my Mom... I'm sorry this is a long post, the story of what happened to my Mom isn't short and I don't know how to shorten the story any more than it is.. I just really wanted to let it out, I've been feeling my emotions build up since the holidays.

Thank you for reading this and again, I'm sorry it's so long

~ Katie

Katie,

Your post wasn't that long. I hung on your every word. I am so very very sorry for the loss of your mom. And to think your work wanted you to come in the same day she passed? What in the world???? That's inhumane.

Please continue to move forward even though you are having setbacks. That's okay and perfectly normal. Keep looking for a job you like, and keep trying to work in school. I know it is very tough, but your mom would certainly want you to keep moving forward. Letting out your emotions is so helpful. It will make you feel better.

So what kind of school do you do? What kind of work are you looking for? How is your dad and sister doing?

We will be here to listen to you.

ModKonnie

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