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Knowing I am completely Alone


mrsduc

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I hope I am posting on the Adult Lost Child site.

I have only about 5 people including my husband in my life. So not alot of people to begin with. But now they have all told me that I need to figure this out for myself. So I just feel so alone. Yes I know that I eventually will need to move on, but I will never be the same. I just do not know if these people that so call care for me, are doing this out of love or if they are so tired of hearing about my son, or me crying. Either way I cry alone now. I go down in the middle of the night and hold my son (urn) and talk to him and cry. Then I put him back in my curio, so he will be safe and clean my face and go back upstairs. I am now keeping everything inside from all of them. But the pain has not changed and I just want to scream and cry. But I am now just decided to pretend to all. I am writing this trying to find out if I am seeing something more in what they said to me about I need to do this myself, or what you all think. THanks to all of you

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I hope I am posting on the Adult Lost Child site.

I have only about 5 people including my husband in my life. So not alot of people to begin with. But now they have all told me that I need to figure this out for myself. So I just feel so alone. Yes I know that I eventually will need to move on, but I will never be the same. I just do not know if these people that so call care for me, are doing this out of love or if they are so tired of hearing about my son, or me crying. Either way I cry alone now. I go down in the middle of the night and hold my son (urn) and talk to him and cry. Then I put him back in my curio, so he will be safe and clean my face and go back upstairs. I am now keeping everything inside from all of them. But the pain has not changed and I just want to scream and cry. But I am now just decided to pretend to all. I am writing this trying to find out if I am seeing something more in what they said to me about I need to do this myself, or what you all think. THanks to all of you

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RememberingOmar

First of all, I share your grief. My son was killed 12/30/2011. Like you, I can't stop grieving or talking about him. I have to choose carefully about who will listen. People get tired because it is an experience they have not had. But you are not alone.

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I certainly understand the feeling. I have very few people in my life that are close enough to talk about these things with. You are not alone as long as you are here.

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I hope I am posting on the Adult Lost Child site.

I have only about 5 people including my husband in my life. So not alot of people to begin with. But now they have all told me that I need to figure this out for myself. So I just feel so alone. Yes I know that I eventually will need to move on, but I will never be the same. I just do not know if these people that so call care for me, are doing this out of love or if they are so tired of hearing about my son, or me crying. Either way I cry alone now. I go down in the middle of the night and hold my son (urn) and talk to him and cry. Then I put him back in my curio, so he will be safe and clean my face and go back upstairs. I am now keeping everything inside from all of them. But the pain has not changed and I just want to scream and cry. But I am now just decided to pretend to all. I am writing this trying to find out if I am seeing something more in what they said to me about I need to do this myself, or what you all think. THanks to all of you

I am so sorry you have been told you need to do this on your own. Please know that, NO!!!, you do not need to do this on your own. We are here for you and will do this with each other. It's a very rocky hard road we find ourselves on and we need others there to help pick us up when we fall or don't feel we can go on. Here you will never be alone.

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I am so sorry that you find yourself on this dark and lonely road as well. I have found that it simply is not possible for those who have not experienced this type of suffering to understand the magnitude of it. I have often said that grief is an entity with a life and mind of its own. It takes us and does as it wills with us. We are tossed, torn, and abused by it. Always at its mercy, most especially in the beginning when we are still in shock and utter disbelief. I am 5 months into this new life without my girl, and still I suffer such great sorrow. It seems that every cell of my being longs for her, screams for her. I beg God. I rage at God. I feel abandoned and betrayed by God and life and faith. Those who have stood where we are now standing will attest to the fact that they too have felt these same overwhelming emotions....they have fought the same demons that we are battling now. I hold everything inside of me, and do my crying and raging alone and in private. It is so deep and personal that I do not wish to share it with others, and I'm sure they are breathing that collective sigh of relief that I keep it to myself, tucked neatly somewhere away from their sight. It is a lonely place to be, but even having the ability to openly share this grief with others may not relieve that loneliness. We miss our child. We miss that relationship and their presence. Our experience alienates us from others, so it is normal and natural to feel alone. You are so soon on this journey, this new path that you were forced upon. I can only repeat the words that have often been written to me: Be kind and gentle to yourself. If you feel that you cannot express freely and honestly what you are experiencing with others in your life, come here. Pour your heart and pain out on these pages. Be angry, scream, rage, cry, and yes, you can even indulge in self pity. You will be safe here. No one will judge you. We will walk with you. We cannot take away the pain. We cannot walk this road for you, but we will walk it with you. Every step of your way there will be someone with a hand outstretched to you. Those farther along on this path shed light and hope to those of us who are stumbling and falling into the many cracks and crevices. They have left footprints for us. It's not always easy for find those footprints, but they are there for us. Praying that you feel the presence of your child's spirit surrounding you with love.

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