the last 7 years have been absolute tourture

[missingmygirl]

hi all

im kezie

i was in an abusive relationship

in december 2004

i was 27 weeks pregnant with my first daughter isabella

my ex came home drunk.. and threw me around..

i went into prem labour and she was born

and she died..

and i wanted to die too.. a part of me still does..

i held her .. after she had passed.. and she was so small..

i stayed with that man.. because i felt that i deserved everything he did to me.. that was my punishment for not protecting her

i hate myself more then words can say

i found out in 2007 that i was expecting and i left the country to protect charli.. she is now almost 4

i have had so much therapy but i cant seem to move on

the pain NEVER stops.. the loathing and self hatred never stops..

i still cant look at any of her photos..

i want my daughter..

i have put on over 80 kilos through eating to make the pain and guilt stop

i feel like im slowly dying

ui dont know what to do

it never ever stops

i feel like a murderer.....

please someone help me

[Kenn]

Hi Kezie,

I'm so sorry that you had to go through the trauma of losing Isabella that way. I lost my daughter in July, she was almost 29, but I think I experienced guilt that was much like yours. I blamed myself for not being a good enough parent to save her. Almost every mistake that I ever made while I was raising her kept coming to my mind, and it was killing me. I thought I would never be able to smile again, and I told myself that many times. How could I live with the guilt of thinking it was my fault for not being able to teach her how to avoid all the dangers that led to her death. It's been almost six months now, and I have been able to realize that I would have done anything to save her if I had known what to do. Listening to you, I believe you are doing the same thing I did. You are blaming yourself for not being able to protect your child from all the dangers of this world. I know that you would have been willing to do anything to save her if only you had know what to do, or had the ability to do it. The pain of losing your child will always be with you, but I pray that you will please forgive yourself for not being able to prevent something you didn't know how to prevent. Please don't take the guilt that should belong to you ex and allow it to rob the life you should have with your little girl. Forgive yourself and use the past to help you be a better parent now. At 4 she needs her mommy, and you need her. God bless you Kezie, I pray that you find the peace you deserve. Ken

hi all

im kezie

i was in an abusive relationship

in december 2004

i was 27 weeks pregnant with my first daughter isabella

my ex came home drunk.. and threw me around..

i went into prem labour and she was born

and she died..

and i wanted to die too.. a part of me still does..

i held her .. after she had passed.. and she was so small..

i stayed with that man.. because i felt that i deserved everything he did to me.. that was my punishment for not protecting her

i hate myself more then words can say

i found out in 2007 that i was expecting and i left the country to protect charli.. she is now almost 4

i have had so much therapy but i cant seem to move on

the pain NEVER stops.. the loathing and self hatred never stops..

i still cant look at any of her photos..

i want my daughter..

i have put on over 80 kilos through eating to make the pain and guilt stop

i feel like im slowly dying

ui dont know what to do

it never ever stops

i feel like a murderer.....

please someone help me

[hotrod]

Dear Kezi

I am glad that you found this Forum and that you posted your sadness and despair.

Please know that you are not responsible for the death of your child. Living with the disease of alcoholism creates such pain and hardship for all that it touches. You are a victim of this disease and not responsible for the terrible events that happened. I attend alanon here in the US This is a world wide fellowship of families who are or have lived with alcoholism and have suffered as a result This is a free, support group and well worth your time and energy. You little child and your self deserve this

You are not alone

Here you will find the understanding, the support and the tools to enable to move forward with courage and recover your life. , Please check out this web site for a location of meetings in your area

local meetings near where you live may be found at the following web site:http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html Or call: 1-888-4alanon

Also there is a alanon web site that can support you on line at:http://alanon.activeboard.com

Please check this out you are not alone and there is hope

[ericasmom]

Kezie,

you did not cause your child to die and staying with the man that did was what you knew to do. YOu may feel you should have moved on sooner, but for what ever reasons, you were not able to. Many of us have been and stayed long into abusive relationships, it is very hard to untrain your thinking and move away. You did it though, you need to understand how huge that step is, you took this step to save that second child and while she cannot bring back your little first Daughter, she does symbolize new life, new starts, new reasons to live, To LIVE and live well. Charli is here, she is needing a good life, and you can help her have a good life, help her to learn how to tell when someone is treating you well and not treating you well, you can teach her so many wondrous things so that she grows into a young woman strong and secure in who she is. Many of us had to claw and scratch our way out of bad times, you did, so now lead the life that you would want for your Daughters. Enlighten yourself with reading about other women and how they climbed from the guilt of bad situations. You will see that in each story, there lies a very strong woman who emerges. I cannot help but think, and I hope you'll pardon me for saying it, that your Little Angel is cheering you on to make steps into the light of her love. She wants you to succeed, she wants her sister to have a joyous life. She does not hold any fault for you, her Momma forever.

[robyn]

hi all

im kezie

i was in an abusive relationship

in december 2004

i was 27 weeks pregnant with my first daughter isabella

my ex came home drunk.. and threw me around..

i went into prem labour and she was born

and she died..

and i wanted to die too.. a part of me still does..

i held her .. after she had passed.. and she was so small..

i stayed with that man.. because i felt that i deserved everything he did to me.. that was my punishment for not protecting her

i hate myself more then words can say

i found out in 2007 that i was expecting and i left the country to protect charli.. she is now almost 4

i have had so much therapy but i cant seem to move on

the pain NEVER stops.. the loathing and self hatred never stops..

i still cant look at any of her photos..

i want my daughter..

i have put on over 80 kilos through eating to make the pain and guilt stop

i feel like im slowly dying

ui dont know what to do

it never ever stops

i feel like a murderer.....

please someone help me

Kezie,

The feeling of guilt when we lose someone is universal. And one of the hallmarks of an abusive relationship is that the victim feels that they, somehow, "deserve" it. Neither is justified. You are NOT a "murderer". You and your daughter were victims. But here's the thing- YOU took the steps you needed to take to protect your other child and it took a LOT of courage for you to do that. It is a stellar beginning! You are much, much more than you think you are. You are stronger, better and more beautiful than you are giving yourself credit for.

Life begins every day and the past is nothing more than something we learn from. You will see your Isabella again, of that you can be sure. But for now, you have taken the steps you needed to take to build a wonderful life for yourself and Charli- a life you both DESERVE. Just for the moment, try to see yourself the way that God sees you. He loved you so much that He died for you. You are a child of God. For a start on that journey, try seeing yourself through Charli's eyes!

You deserve a good life, love and respect. Try not to beat yourself up, you deserve better!

Love,

Robyn