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I want to die and go with my bestfriend


Shawnsfriend

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I don't know if this site can help me but I really need help. The single most closes person to me on earth, closer to me than my own family, my bestfriend Shawn died on January 13th, 2012 and his memorial was February 4th, 2012. His birthday was February 7th, he would have been 30 years old. OMG - I hurt so badly. I cry every day and several times a day. I can't sleep at nights, I cant focus at work, I'm failing in school, and I've lost 15 pounds because I refuse to eat. All I do is cry. I just want him to come back, nothing no one says helps me, I just NEED him to come back to me pleaseeeee. Shawn always knew what to say, he always knew what to do, he was my foundation. He died from complications with CLL (Leukaemia) after being diagnosed in 2004. He didnt have a good relationship with his family, and it turns out that I knew more about him than ANY ONE else. His family was calling on me for photos and information because they've been missing the past 10 years of his life. I have nightmares where I wake up crying and I dont remember what I dream. Before shawn died, he would always tell people that he was worried most about me and how I would deal with his death. Well now that hes gone ... I can't deal with it. I just want to go with him. I don't want to live anymore. People say the dumbest things like (get over it, shawn would want you to be happy, hes in a better place, hes looking down on you) a bunch of cliches that DON'T HELP! Some days im angry, some days im depressed. I listen to his favourite songs, he would send me songs about our friendship and how much he loved me. He was the big brother I always wanted. I am a christian and my faith brings no peace or comfort. I just want to run away and leave everything behind. I watch his video of him singing (he loved to sing) ... the pain is intense, I dont want to live without him. I try praying and talking to God, i try talking to shawn, i try everything ... I can't continue like this ... my heart will fail me very soon if I dont get some help.

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I don't know if this site can help me but I really need help. The single most closes person to me on earth, closer to me than my own family, my bestfriend Shawn died on January 13th, 2012 and his memorial was February 4th, 2012. His birthday was February 7th, he would have been 30 years old. OMG - I hurt so badly. I cry every day and several times a day. I can't sleep at nights, I cant focus at work, I'm failing in school, and I've lost 15 pounds because I refuse to eat. All I do is cry. I just want him to come back, nothing no one says helps me, I just NEED him to come back to me pleaseeeee. Shawn always knew what to say, he always knew what to do, he was my foundation. He died from complications with CLL (Leukaemia) after being diagnosed in 2004. He didnt have a good relationship with his family, and it turns out that I knew more about him than ANY ONE else. His family was calling on me for photos and information because they've been missing the past 10 years of his life. I have nightmares where I wake up crying and I dont remember what I dream. Before shawn died, he would always tell people that he was worried most about me and how I would deal with his death. Well now that hes gone ... I can't deal with it. I just want to go with him. I don't want to live anymore. People say the dumbest things like (get over it, shawn would want you to be happy, hes in a better place, hes looking down on you) a bunch of cliches that DON'T HELP! Some days im angry, some days im depressed. I listen to his favourite songs, he would send me songs about our friendship and how much he loved me. He was the big brother I always wanted. I am a christian and my faith brings no peace or comfort. I just want to run away and leave everything behind. I watch his video of him singing (he loved to sing) ... the pain is intense, I dont want to live without him. I try praying and talking to God, i try talking to shawn, i try everything ... I can't continue like this ... my heart will fail me very soon if I dont get some help.

Shawn's best friend,

By reaching out and coming here, you've taken a step in getting help. Talking about your feelings, how you feel angry, bitter, lonely, afraid, heartbroken, etc., will help you learn to deal with them. Do you have any family or support at home to talk to? Have you ever kept a journal about your feelings? Well, this is a good place to do it. So what songs do you listen to? Could you make a memorial for Shawn with his favorite songs?

Are there any grief and loss self help groups in your area? You might want to join one or visit a grief counselor for a session or two. If not, we can be here to offer you support and encouragement. We know how difficult this road can be.

ModKonnie

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Hi Modkonnie & heydaddy,

Thank you so much for responding, I’m just glad that someone responded. I don’t know what to do next or where to go. Every day I cry, for hours. I still call his cellphone hoping he would answer. I get no answer then I hang up and call again. From 2004, he was fighting Leukaemia and he tried his best to prepare me, but he died suddenly from heart failure in his sleep. We had so many more years to go, so many more miles to run.

Lastnight I thought I had lost my mind, I just layed on the floor and cried then I got up and decided to see if there is a forum online I can get some help. I’m going to die from heart failure too if I don’t get better soon. My grief has consumed me. I have NEVER thought about life without shawn, we both agreed he would live to be 103 years old and now at 29 he is gone.

I have no one to talk to, because as far as everyone is concerned he was just a “best friend” to them its not like losing a parent or sibling. People don’t understand the bond that develops between best friends and the fact that that bond can be stronger than family. I know shawn better than his own family (this family told me so at the memorial) and no one knew me like he did. There is another friend (Pat) hes the 3rd bestfriend in our friendship but he is dealing it in his own way and he has so much other stuff going on, I really can’t add my grief to his.

OMG he had so many favorite songs, he loved the Soundtrack to RENT, he was a singer, actor, writer, performer himself and he sung the lead for “Seasons of Love”. He also loved Chrisette Michelle “I am one” I listen to all his favorite songs; sometimes I can hear him in them. Ive started saving all my videos, songs, pictures, emails, letters and everything from shawn. Something’s I can’t remember like what he got me for my birthdays because everything was a gift from him. Sometimes I get dress and walk out the house and then I realise Shawn bought me that shawn, shawn picked out those shoes … he knew how to dress to impress. I tried making a memorial video of shawn a few days ago and I just kept crying, major fail. Between the computer soak with my tears and my eyes so blurry I cannot see, I didn’t get far. I have a poem I wrote and read at his funeral.

I am sorry to hear about your daughter Ken, I really am. You are right it would be selfish for me to bring Shawn back into this world, knowing that he suffered through hurt and pain and chemo and meds and treatments … but Shawn kept fighting because of me and he always told me that he was fighting because of me. I wish I could trade places with him, I wish I could fight for him. But let this be the ONE time I become a selfish bestfriend, let this be the ONE time I think about me first, let this be the ONE time – I see no life without shawn. To be honest, I hope that I don’t have a really long life I cannot imagine going another 40 – 50 years without him.

I tried finding a local support group but haven’t been successful yet. Very rural area, don’t expect to find those around here.

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Everyone says they are worried, family, friends, colleagues, classmates but i just want my bestfriend back. You are right he wouldnt want me to be selfish this one time, but I miss him dearly, there isnt one day that I dont cry or think about him. Ive kinda pulled myself away from everyone, while i appreciate their concern, they will never know the lost ive suffered or the pain im carrying in my heart. Before my family or friends ever decided to be proud of me or have faith in me, there was shawn, he believed in me when there was nothing to believe in. My life is the product of his faith and love and friendship. When i had quit school, he was the reason i got back in. My my relationship ended, he was the reason i started to love again, when my dad died, it was shawn who held me together and now .... no one is there to hold me together :(

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Self talk is big with me. When I feel like I can't go on any longer, I look at things as they really are and talk myself out of being no good for anyone. The universe doesn't revolve around me, and others are hurting over the loss of my daughter. I hate death, but it is a reality of living in this world. I'm going to tell you, if I waited for someone else to come hold me together, they would have to put me in a padded cell. I'm here for me, and thank God, I have enough good sense to accept the world as it really is.

In my mind, you are someone who has the potential of doing great good in this world. I'll bet you, that Shawn saw that very thing in you. You may not want to hear it, but Shawn wouldn't want you to give up and die because he can't be here right now. Accepting things as they are is what every grieving heart has to decide to do. My life is in my hand, and it is up to me to decide take control and not let depression destroy me. Do what you have to do my friend, because there will be reasons to smile again if you allow it to happen. What words can help you, possibly none. Who is here now to help you? You are. My heart goes out to you. I wish I were adequate to give you what you need in words, but I know how it feels when words have no meaning. For a while there, I was right where you are now, but now I can finally feel the warmth of the sun again.

Everyone says they are worried, family, friends, colleagues, classmates but i just want my bestfriend back. You are right he wouldnt want me to be selfish this one time, but I miss him dearly, there isnt one day that I dont cry or think about him. Ive kinda pulled myself away from everyone, while i appreciate their concern, they will never know the lost ive suffered or the pain im carrying in my heart. Before my family or friends ever decided to be proud of me or have faith in me, there was shawn, he believed in me when there was nothing to believe in. My life is the product of his faith and love and friendship. When i had quit school, he was the reason i got back in. My my relationship ended, he was the reason i started to love again, when my dad died, it was shawn who held me together and now .... no one is there to hold me together :(

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losing my bestfriend was like losing my path in life, i dont know how else to say that and I dont expect no one else to understand that. While shawn may not have been a blood relative, he was the single closes person to me on earth and knew me better than anyone. Few (maybe no one) will ever understand what I lost or why i hurt the way I do - and thats fine because if shawn were here he would.

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I came to this forum because I was hurting so bad over losing my daughter. It felt like no one else could possibly understand what I was going through. When I started checking the profiles of other people who post here, and reading some of their posts, I realized that none of us have the patent on grief. Realizing that others do know how I feel and had experienced the same pain I was feeling, somehow it helped me. I still hurts, but I am making it, and I'm not stuck in that pit of despair that threatened to destroy me. I accept life as it is, and I'm comforted knowing that nothing can hurt my daughter ever again. She wouldn't want to come back. My life is in my hands, I'll try to do something good with it. I'm going to be a comfort for the rest of my family who are hurting. I'm so sorry for your pain, and I wish you the best.

losing my bestfriend was like losing my path in life, i dont know how else to say that and I dont expect no one else to understand that. While shawn may not have been a blood relative, he was the single closes person to me on earth and knew me better than anyone. Few (maybe no one) will ever understand what I lost or why i hurt the way I do - and thats fine because if shawn were here he would.

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While you may have lost the only path you know, you will start to notice that a new path has started showing itself to you. It may not be the one that you planned on walking the rest of your life, but it will be your path. There will be bumps and potholes, detours and overgrowth standing in your way as you start, but eventually, you will be able to follow the new path just fine. It may not be the path you wanted, or was planning to take, but it is there for you to walk. Many won't understand the loss you have suffered, but that's ok. There are many who are starting on a new path, just as you are. No one's path is identical to anyone else's. Everyone here is just trying to help each other get their footing on their new path ... helping each other to stand back up when we trip and fall over the root that we didn't see coming, or helping us out of a pothole we missed.

Take your time. Feel out your new pathway. It may feel foreign now (and even for a time to come) but eventually, in your own time, your path will become more familiar and you will trip and fall less and start to notice that the skies aren't always gray and raining. You will see bursts of sunshine here and there and maybe even a rainbow now and then. There is light at the end of the darkness you are enveloped in. You will see it in your own time.

It is ok to hurt and grieve for the loss of such a special person in your ife. And I know that right now, it feels as though the whole world has gone black with no visible signs of hope and light. But they are there and you will start to see them when you are ready to, when you start to allow yourself to.

Hang in there.

Sending hugs and love your way.

losing my bestfriend was like losing my path in life, i dont know how else to say that and I dont expect no one else to understand that. While shawn may not have been a blood relative, he was the single closes person to me on earth and knew me better than anyone. Few (maybe no one) will ever understand what I lost or why i hurt the way I do - and thats fine because if shawn were here he would.

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Hi Shawn's Best Friend

I just wanted to reach out to you because you are so sad and devastated from losing your friend. I lost my daughter and felt the same way - that I wanted to die and go be with her and to just have the pain stop. Then I realized that she will live on in me and in her brother and sister. I believe she's with me always and that everything I experience, she experiences. I feel a duty to her to live the fullest life I can so that she can experience them with me. That gives me hope and a purpose in life. My wish for you is to make the death of your best friend a PART of your story and not the END of it. Go on and do great things in honor of Shawn.

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Its officially been ONE MONTH - and I still cry - feels like yesterday

I'm so sorry for your loss. My son passed 5 1/2 months ago and I still feel the pain and the tears still fall. It's o.k. Let the tears fall, it helps to heal little by little. I am a long way from being o.k. as I know you are but we get through min by min, day by day, tear by tear, but we WILL get through. That's not to say we forget or totally heal, I just don't think that's possible when we loss such a big part of ourselves and our lives, but I've been told it will sting a little less as time goes on. This road is very rocky and at times feels like we have to climb a mountian but with the help and support we recieve here if makes it a little easier. Vivian -Kevin's Mom

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Hi Char's Mom,

Thank you so much for your note. I still do feel devastated and lost, as a matter of fact, I just dried my tears about 20 minutes ago. I am so sorry to hear about your daughter and you are so right, I just wanted the pain to stop. I have met such great people here on this site and because of the encouragement ive recieved from you all, im going to try and go on. Its hard, sometimes feels impossible, but one step at a time. I love where you said

"make the death of my best friend a PART of your story and not the END of it" - i love that ... and I will. Thank you again

Hi Shawn's Best Friend

I just wanted to reach out to you because you are so sad and devastated from losing your friend. I lost my daughter and felt the same way - that I wanted to die and go be with her and to just have the pain stop. Then I realized that she will live on in me and in her brother and sister. I believe she's with me always and that everything I experience, she experiences. I feel a duty to her to live the fullest life I can so that she can experience them with me. That gives me hope and a purpose in life. My wish for you is to make the death of your best friend a PART of your story and not the END of it. Go on and do great things in honor of Shawn.

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Thank you Kevin's mom and i'm sorry to hear about Kevin too. Losing people is just so hard :-( it really is. So many tears, sometimes i cry myself into a headache and all i can do is just lay there. I smile when you wrote "I am a long way from okay" and not because of your pain, but i smiled because someone else out there knows how i feel. It gves me such comfort to know that someone else feels what I feel. I tell people that I will NEVER be fine again, i'll only be "ok" just making it day by day. and im going to add in your words "tear by tear". I also agree with you that there is NEVER total healing, people think i've given up when I say that but its not that ive given up, its that Shawn was so instrumental in every area of my life that I cannot live the way i use to before. I am so thankful for this site, it has helped and continues to help me, because of people like you too. Thank you Kevin's mom.

I'm so sorry for your loss. My son passed 5 1/2 months ago and I still feel the pain and the tears still fall. It's o.k. Let the tears fall, it helps to heal little by little. I am a long way from being o.k. as I know you are but we get through min by min, day by day, tear by tear, but we WILL get through. That's not to say we forget or totally heal, I just don't think that's possible when we loss such a big part of ourselves and our lives, but I've been told it will sting a little less as time goes on. This road is very rocky and at times feels like we have to climb a mountian but with the help and support we recieve here if makes it a little easier. Vivian -Kevin's Mom

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Thank you Kevin's mom and i'm sorry to hear about Kevin too. Losing people is just so hard :-( it really is. So many tears, sometimes i cry myself into a headache and all i can do is just lay there. I smile when you wrote "I am a long way from okay" and not because of your pain, but i smiled because someone else out there knows how i feel. It gves me such comfort to know that someone else feels what I feel. I tell people that I will NEVER be fine again, i'll only be "ok" just making it day by day. and im going to add in your words "tear by tear". I also agree with you that there is NEVER total healing, people think i've given up when I say that but its not that ive given up, its that Shawn was so instrumental in every area of my life that I cannot live the way i use to before. I am so thankful for this site, it has helped and continues to help me, because of people like you too. Thank you Kevin's mom.

I guess what we learn is a "new normal" way to live. Wish I could tell you what that is, but I haven't got there yet. We don't give up because we can't but it doesn't mean we don't want to at times. Being here helps get us through and not feel so lost and alone. I think that's one of the hardest things is to feel alone. Talk about Shawn as much as you want to here and we'll even cry with you, or laugh with you, or just comfort you with words if that's what's needed. It's nice to know someone will listen. Keep an eye on the chat room also, I have meet and had some great talks with others there. Funny how such pain can bring strangers together to support and help each other when friends seem to bail on us when we need them the most, not sure why that is..... Vivian-Kevin's Mom

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"A New Normal" - i like that (Thank you Kevin's Mom). If i ever write a book about my grief, i think thats what I will call it. The last 48 hours have been especially hard for me. I was cleaning up some old voicemails online and deleting some contacts and I saw Shawn's name in the list of vociemails. I hit play (out of curiosity), i thought ... its been too long these messages wont play, but they DID play and I heard his voice. I started crying immediately, and kept crying for an hour more. I decided to stay indoors today (didnt go to work, didnt go to school, just ate some fruits, didnt answer my phone, didnt turn on the tv or opened the windows) ... I just kept thinking about his voice.

Its amazing because I do feel alone, i've lost my best friend. The one person who made me feel so important and special, the one person who made me a #1 priority, the one person who protected me in this world ... and in this world of almost 7 billion people ... I feel ALONE.

Your quote below sounds like Shawn, thats something he would say ....

Funny how such pain can bring strangers together to support and help each other when friends seem to bail on us when we need them the most, not sure why that is..... Vivian-Kevin's Mom

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He will always be a big part of your heart. I know how hard it is to miss someone you love so very much. Hang in there, It does get better little by little. Hugs anf prayers. Vivian-Kevin's Mom

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Shawnsfriend

thank you vivian, you guys really are a great support system

He will always be a big part of your heart. I know how hard it is to miss someone you love so very much. Hang in there, It does get better little by little. Hugs anf prayers. Vivian-Kevin's Mom

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Hi,

I read your post and i totally understand what you're going through. My Beloved son James, died last June,2011. I have been in

so much pain, sorrow and disbelief. it comes as waves and waves of heat and dreaded intense pain. I too, have lost about 25-30lbs throughout

these months because it is so difficult to eat anything. i take Paxil, 30mg now. it started at 10mg. After i took my daughter to the airport in Charlotte, NC,

after the Memorial service, i broke down so badly. i called the mental health center just to talk to a counselor. They sent over 2 cops and one took me to

the mental hospital and i couldn't get out for 2 days because they thought i was suicidal. i was but i had not done anything to myself, just thinking about doing it. i have been taking herb pills, unisom, melatonin to try to get sleep. i usually end up sleeping all day.

i feel bad then, knowing i get nothing done. my daughter and other son have tried to be very comforting to me. They miss their brother so very, very much.

Their sorrow is great also and i feel bad for them too. i want to be with James in Heaven too. He was a true believer. i also am. i read the Bible every day

and God keeps giving me His grace. Every night when i go to bed, sometimes early morning, i ask Him to please take me to Himself and James. i am ready to

go. i KNOW EXACTLY how you feel. i don't want to go on living without my son either. i know people say the dumbest things to you. they do the same to me.

i'm not going to tell you to be strong or hold on or anything like that. i'm going to be completely honest with you. I've thought about suicide every day since my son's death. i found out it takes a lot of courage to committ suicide. i am a coward. They said my son died from multiple complications from HIPEC surgery for stage 4 goblet cell carcinoid cancer. However, i believe if they would have had the blood on hand the morning he died, he would have lived that day. They post-298194-0-97158100-1331553713_thumb.said it wouldn't have gotten there in time. they gave him medication to get his blood pressure up but it didn't work. they did CPR and brought him back for

about 2-3minutes. The nurse said his soul was gone even though she tried to revive him. The angels probably came to get him.

Any way i won't make this message too long. i just want you to understand that i know what you are going through and i will pray for you.

Love, Leaf or Jessica

I don't know if this site can help me but I really need help. The single most closes person to me on earth, closer to me than my own family, my bestfriend Shawn died on January 13th, 2012 and his memorial was February 4th, 2012. His birthday was February 7th, he would have been 30 years old. OMG - I hurt so badly. I cry every day and several times a day. I can't sleep at nights, I cant focus at work, I'm failing in school, and I've lost 15 pounds because I refuse to eat. All I do is cry. I just want him to come back, nothing no one says helps me, I just NEED him to come back to me pleaseeeee. Shawn always knew what to say, he always knew what to do, he was my foundation. He died from complications with CLL (Leukaemia) after being diagnosed in 2004. He didnt have a good relationship with his family, and it turns out that I knew more about him than ANY ONE else. His family was calling on me for photos and information because they've been missing the past 10 years of his life. I have nightmares where I wake up crying and I dont remember what I dream. Before shawn died, he would always tell people that he was worried most about me and how I would deal with his death. Well now that hes gone ... I can't deal with it. I just want to go with him. I don't want to live anymore. People say the dumbest things like (get over it, shawn would want you to be happy, hes in a better place, hes looking down on you) a bunch of cliches that DON'T HELP! Some days im angry, some days im depressed. I listen to his favourite songs, he would send me songs about our friendship and how much he loved me. He was the big brother I always wanted. I am a christian and my faith brings no peace or comfort. I just want to run away and leave everything behind. I watch his video of him singing (he loved to sing) ... the pain is intense, I dont want to live without him. I try praying and talking to God, i try talking to shawn, i try everything ... I can't continue like this ... my heart will fail me very soon if I dont get some help.

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Shawnsfriend

Hey guys, its been a while since ive posted. You know … I was doing fine until my bestfriend’s mom sent me an email about 4 days ago. I read it, started crying and I couldn’t respond. Its so hard … especially when I think im finally doing okay or im getting back to normal, I find myself falling down again. Now I think im starting to slip into series of depression where I don’t want to be bothered, don’t want to talk to anyone, and don’t want anyone to know what or where I am. Its like you said Leaf (Jessica), it comes as waves, intense pain. Here I was studying and now im crying. Im not on any meds but I think I really need to probably see a doctor. Thank you for sharing… it is comforting (as silly as it sounds) to know that someone else knows how I feel.

Hi,

I read your post and i totally understand what you're going through. My Beloved son James, died last June,2011. I have been in

so much pain, sorrow and disbelief. it comes as waves and waves of heat and dreaded intense pain. I too, have lost about 25-30lbs throughout

these months because it is so difficult to eat anything. i take Paxil, 30mg now. it started at 10mg. After i took my daughter to the airport in Charlotte, NC,

after the Memorial service, i broke down so badly. i called the mental health center just to talk to a counselor. They sent over 2 cops and one took me to

the mental hospital and i couldn't get out for 2 days because they thought i was suicidal. i was but i had not done anything to myself, just thinking about doing it. i have been taking herb pills, unisom, melatonin to try to get sleep. i usually end up sleeping all day.

i feel bad then, knowing i get nothing done. my daughter and other son have tried to be very comforting to me. They miss their brother so very, very much.

Their sorrow is great also and i feel bad for them too. i want to be with James in Heaven too. He was a true believer. i also am. i read the Bible every day

and God keeps giving me His grace. Every night when i go to bed, sometimes early morning, i ask Him to please take me to Himself and James. i am ready to

go. i KNOW EXACTLY how you feel. i don't want to go on living without my son either. i know people say the dumbest things to you. they do the same to me.

i'm not going to tell you to be strong or hold on or anything like that. i'm going to be completely honest with you. I've thought about suicide every day since my son's death. i found out it takes a lot of courage to committ suicide. i am a coward. They said my son died from multiple complications from HIPEC surgery for stage 4 goblet cell carcinoid cancer. However, i believe if they would have had the blood on hand the morning he died, he would have lived that day. They post-298194-0-97158100-1331553713_thumb.said it wouldn't have gotten there in time. they gave him medication to get his blood pressure up but it didn't work. they did CPR and brought him back for

about 2-3minutes. The nurse said his soul was gone even though she tried to revive him. The angels probably came to get him.

Any way i won't make this message too long. i just want you to understand that i know what you are going through and i will pray for you.

Love, Leaf or Jessica

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Shawn, At first we're very sad, then the numbness wares off and we feel like it's the first day all over again. At least that's how it's been for me. To be honest even after 5 1/2 I still find myself not really caring about much. Don't know if it's my "new normal" or if it'll pass but it is what it is. Little things bring tears just when I think I'm doing good. I got on xanex and it's helped a bit, takes the edge off the anxiety I feel. If getting on some kind of meds helps at this point then it may be what you need. Time will help with some of the pain and we are stronger then we think, we've made it this far. Hang in there. Hugs and prayers. Vivian-Kevin's Mom

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Shawnsfriend

been wake all night crying - i thought i was getting better but im not. its been about 3 months and i still miss him, i want my best friend back, i have no comfort .....pleaseeeeeee please i just want him back,i camt make it without him, what does everyone want from me, why wont people just let me go and be with him - i need him - shawn was my rock, he made life worth living, im 4 weeks away from final exams and im failing school - i went from # 1 in my class to bearly showing up ... nothing will help i just need shawn

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Shawns Best friend,

Please go to your counselor at school or your parents and tell them how you are feeling. Your family and your school care about you and will want to help you to find a way to move forward. I want to ask you a question, What would Shawn tell you to do? Are you experiencing fear, anger, guilt, loneliness, or some other emotion you can describe? Please try to talk about it with someone close to you, or you can continue to share with us. We are listening to you, and we are with you.

ModKonnie

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