Being blamed

[mrsduc]

Today my son's ashes arrived at my door. There is no more telling myself this is all a bad dream and I'll wake up and he will be calling me. The pain hurts more than I can say. I don't know how to stop and take care of myself or anyone else right now. Then above all that is going on with me one of his high school friends decided to put on his FB page that she believed that I was a poor mom and that I am the cause of my son killing himself. I told her that this was not true and that she knew nothing about my son and my relationship, but she kept on and on. I finally told her to not contact me anymore. But now it is in my head and I wonder how many other people that knew my son think the same way but don't have the guts to say it. I just do not understand why I did not see that he was going to do this. I knew that he felt like killing himself this past summer, but I thought he was doing so much better. We spoke 3 to 4 times a day for hours each time. But appparently he had this all planned. He felt he was born with all the trouble in his brain and he always felt like he was too different for this world and would never fit in. But I kept trying to encourage him from afar, since he lived on the west coast and me on the east. I wish I could know that he is at peace and in heaven. I want him out of pain I just am in so much pain and miss him so much,. Don't know what to do about it.

[robyn]

Today my son's ashes arrived at my door. There is no more telling myself this is all a bad dream and I'll wake up and he will be calling me. The pain hurts more than I can say. I don't know how to stop and take care of myself or anyone else right now. Then above all that is going on with me one of his high school friends decided to put on his FB page that she believed that I was a poor mom and that I am the cause of my son killing himself. I told her that this was not true and that she knew nothing about my son and my relationship, but she kept on and on. I finally told her to not contact me anymore. But now it is in my head and I wonder how many other people that knew my son think the same way but don't have the guts to say it. I just do not understand why I did not see that he was going to do this. I knew that he felt like killing himself this past summer, but I thought he was doing so much better. We spoke 3 to 4 times a day for hours each time. But appparently he had this all planned. He felt he was born with all the trouble in his brain and he always felt like he was too different for this world and would never fit in. But I kept trying to encourage him from afar, since he lived on the west coast and me on the east. I wish I could know that he is at peace and in heaven. I want him out of pain I just am in so much pain and miss him so much,. Don't know what to do about it.

Dear friend,

There is no way to explain the actions of one small-minded and purposely cruel person. Only a psychiatrist can understand what causes some to get such delight in causing another so much pain. There is not a chance in the world that this person knew your child better than you did.

It doesn't matter how we lose our kids, we all wonder if there was one more thing that could have been done or said that could have made a difference. But the reality is, probably not. What we DO have is that hope that we will see them again, that they are close, love us, and want us to be OK. And sometimes that hope is just enough. I don't know what your son believed, but Christ said that once someone belonged to Him, nothing- NOTHING- could take them out of His hand. No matter how well we know our children, God knows them better and loves them more than we ever could, the same way He loves you. He knows their hearts. Believe he is in heaven- you have absolutely no reason not to believe it with all your heart.

In the meantime, I hope you will not continue to listen to anyone whose chief form of entertainment is to cause as much pain as possible. Please be kind to yourself.

Love,

Robyn

[Kenn]

Hi mrsduc, I'm so sorry for your loss and what you are going through. My daughter died in July and I had the opportunity to take her ashes back to the state she grew up in. It is such a hard experience for a parent to go through things like that. I took her back to a place where I'm not loved by everyone, and some of those people judged me and blamed me for what happened. I know they did, even though they wouldn't dare say it to my face. One family member on my ex-wife's side did something that was so hurtful, and I immediately called her down for it in a very public way. My heart was so broken, and I didn't need anyone to judge me for things they thought that weren't true.

She apologized, but what she did came from the heart, and I know how she feels about me. I hope I never have to see her again,but I do forgive her for judging me that way. She doesn't know all the truth about all the things that happened over the years, so she is human and drew some conclusions according to the things she thinks she knows. I understand that she isn't God and can't know everything, so I forgive her for being human. It would be so easy for me to point fingers of blame at almost everyone who had a part in Hannah's life, but that wouldn't fair either. It is enough for me to know my role as a parent, and all the area's where I failed. I own my mistakes and would give anything if I could go back do everything perfect for Hannah, but I can't. I did the best I could with what I knew, and that is all any of us can do. Knowing that makes it easier when some people judge me, because I know they aren't God. They don't really know me, and I don't expect them to. However I do know me, and I can forgive myself for not always being perfect. I'm not good that's for sure, but compared to a lot of people in this world who thinks they are good, I'm a saint for sure. I know me and my desire to help others, and I really like the person I am. We have enough to work through when we lose a loved one, and worrying about whether or not others judge us fairly shouldn't be something else to hurt us. My heart goes out to you and I pray that you find comfort in this time of grief.

Today my son's ashes arrived at my door. There is no more telling myself this is all a bad dream and I'll wake up and he will be calling me. The pain hurts more than I can say. I don't know how to stop and take care of myself or anyone else right now. Then above all that is going on with me one of his high school friends decided to put on his FB page that she believed that I was a poor mom and that I am the cause of my son killing himself. I told her that this was not true and that she knew nothing about my son and my relationship, but she kept on and on. I finally told her to not contact me anymore. But now it is in my head and I wonder how many other people that knew my son think the same way but don't have the guts to say it. I just do not understand why I did not see that he was going to do this. I knew that he felt like killing himself this past summer, but I thought he was doing so much better. We spoke 3 to 4 times a day for hours each time. But appparently he had this all planned. He felt he was born with all the trouble in his brain and he always felt like he was too different for this world and would never fit in. But I kept trying to encourage him from afar, since he lived on the west coast and me on the east. I wish I could know that he is at peace and in heaven. I want him out of pain I just am in so much pain and miss him so much,. Don't know what to do about it.

[ericasmom]

Hey, I am so sorry about your Son's death, why don't you come post in LOss of an Adult Child so that you can be supported day in and out by folks that are right where you are on the timeline of grief as well as many long on the road, like myself and so many others. I think that you will feel like you have found a place that understands all that you are feeling, as each of us have gone through so much that is similar. I wish you never had to find a place to help you with grief like this, we find ourselves in the nightmare of losing a child and nothing else makes much sense at all. Hang on, life is going to be hard for a while and eventually, you will find out how to live a good and meaningful life again. Try to stay away from FB if there are those that are upsetting there. It is time to find ways to help your heart and your spirit. We are here for you.

I have been here for 8 years or more, and so I can promise you that it will not always be this cutting.