I’m just so bored

[MichiganDaniel]

Or maybe the word is lonely. It’s Saturday afternoon and I have nothing to do. Nowhere to be. Who do I call? Brother? Cousin? Maybe, but they are doing their things with their people. We didn’t have a group of friends. I had one friend, she had a few.

I looked at events around the town. Nothing. Movie? Ugh.

I want to meet people, but jumping into something just to not be in the house isn’t the best.

Eventually I will do things with people at work, or people who I used to work with who came to the funeral. But there will be Saturdays like this until I find a new rhythm.

They say if you can’t do a day at a time do an hour at a time. But wow, so many hours.

[MichiganDaniel]

26 minutes ago, Gator M said:

Do you have family near you? 

No. It's just me. I'm reading a book about coping with grief, and it says, have a close friend come stay with you and help you make arrangements. I didn't have anyone around me until people drove from out of town for the funeral, and now they're all back home. I do have some people closer by that I will connect with, but it's going to be a lot of time in between. Thank you for saying something on my post. It made me feel a little less alone tonight.

[RichS]

3 hours ago, DanielInMichigan said:

Or maybe the word is lonely. It’s Saturday afternoon and I have nothing to do. Nowhere to be. Who do I call?

Today I didn't have much motivation to do much myself. This board will help fill the gaps of loneliness. You might have realized it already, but here you'll find empathy and caring from sincere people who are struggling like you. As comforting as that may sound, at the same time, it's not helpful to be spending every waking hour here, either. For some, having a pet helps. I have a cousin in your situation. He lives alone, too. My aunt and uncle both passed away and he's never been married. He talks about going to a cooking class. I told him, GREAT! It would be a perfect setting to meet new people who have similar interests to you. He hasn't done that yet. Says he's not yet motivated.

Speaking of motivation, I often lack it myself, but for me, I associate it with my depression; which I had years before my wife passed away. Now it's heightened since she's gone. No surprise there. Today I took I drive locally with my son and uncle. Tomorrow my son and I will stop by a local park with a pond and enjoy the peacefulness of it all. Next month I hope to resume my part-time job as a scorekeeper. I do have a hobby (sports cards). All of these things are positive things to do, but I must admit that I often have to force myself to do them for my own good. In the end I'm glad I did these things, but lack of motivation often makes it a struggle to do these things.

I think that part of the grieving process includes lack of motivation to do things that would normally come naturally before our wives passed away. At the same time we have to go easy on ourselves, given the struggle we're all going through. It's like striking a balance between staying at home all the time (and doing nothing) versus constantly going somewhere and not allowing ourselves some time to journey through the grieving process; or in other words, hiding from our grief.

Just as we all grieve in our own unique way, have to find that right "balance" that works for us as individuals. One size doesn't fill all. I'm sure you will be your own way of discovering that balance. Meanwhile, all of us are here for you and each other.

[MichiganDaniel]

14 minutes ago, RichS said:

Tomorrow my son and I will stop by a local park with a pond and enjoy the peacefulness of it all.

That sounds so lovely. Today I reminded myself that it is ok to feel joy, and that our lost loved ones would want that for us. I hope you find some on that trip.

[KayC]

I guess I'm past the loneliness and boredom stage...shoveling so much snow, I'm dying for a break!  But more to shovel.  I've gotten used to living alone, but look how many years it's been!  Nearly 18.  In the beginning it was not so, my daughter stayed with me a few months, it meant the world to me.  I loved having my kids come home from service or college, but now it's years in between their visits and usually I have to do the traveling to be with them...my son is three hours away.  He called last night, first time in a very long time.  It's rare my daughter calls.  I think how I used to talk (or listen) to my mom every week, it was hard when I was raising kids, had a busy family, fixing dinner after work, but I did it.  I'm glad I did, now I know what it meant to her.  Many days I don't see/talk to anyone.  My neighbor Mike passed Feb. 4, he was often the only contact I had as we visited while our dogs played.  And now he's gone.  And my disabled sister with dementia that I took care of? We talked every day!  I love her, and now she's been gone a year.  These things are so hard to get used to!  On top of losing my husband, now just more losses...

My Kodie (dog) helps immensely.  Last night he came and sat on my lap and gave me kisses.  He knew just what I needed.

[LMR]

14 hours ago, Gator M said:

Oh, It's loneliness.  It's that feeling we KNOW we're alone.

Even in a crowded room...we're alone.

 

I don't have the motivation to do anything anymore. He's the only one I really want to share with. I do go out with my sister but it's just a distraction, it isn't enough. I miss the love.

[RichS]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

These things are so hard to get used to!  On top of losing my husband, now just more losses...

During the past few years I'm realizing that the losses are mounting. All of my In-Laws are gone. My parents are gone for 10-15 years. In addition to losing Chris, an old friend of mine passed away last year as well. Still some people left in our families, but the number keeps getting smaller. I guess we have to wait here until some empty clouds are available in heaven. (LOL)

Up until a few months ago, Salem out cat, had no interest in laps. Now, I get my daily dose of acupuncture!

 

[widower2]

On 3/25/2023 at 3:54 PM, DanielInMichigan said:

I want to meet people, but jumping into something just to not be in the house isn’t the best.

With all due respect, you sure about that? IMO there is inherent value in getting out of the house and being around people just for the sake of it. Even if it's something that doesn't wow you and the people don't wow you, IMO it would be hard for it not to be better than watching the walls close in. 

You might want to consider meetup.com. It basically provides a way for local people to create social groups of ALL kinds, is usually dirt cheap or free, and there is no pressure to attend or not attend any given thing, just keep an eye on what's going on and if something grabs you, do it. Depending on where you are (or near to), there are often many groups and based on many diff "themes"....some are age based, some based on an activity like biking or hiking or even something as simple as going to the movies, etc etc. Some areas even have widow/widower groups, so you are around people who "get it."  Couldn't hurt to check it out. g/l

[MichiganDaniel]

3 minutes ago, widower2 said:

Couldn't hurt to check it out.

You’re probably right. It doesn’t have be the best fit the first time. Something to break the inertia. I found a writers group that I’m thinking of attending. Maybe I’ll start a new writing project.

[widower2]

Good idea. I got big into writing afterwards myself for awhile...

[KayC]

9 hours ago, widower2 said:

IMO there is inherent value in getting out of the house and being around people just for the sake of it.

I was impressed with Iris yesterday, she called for friends to meet up with her, she cried when I was at her house, it's been since Feb. 4, and she's swimming in bills, decisions, details and all the things Mike did are no longer, so that's another curve thrown at her (hates technical stuff like me). Mike had a lot of patience and positive spirit so he's a lot to miss.

[KayC]

1 hour ago, Sim7079 said:

My husband wouldn’t be impressed with my life now

Yes but I bet he'd understand.  They know now what they wouldn't have before.

 

[Carol34]

 

Boredom is a big issue for me too.  I just don't know what to do to fill all of the hours in a day. I'm not a joiner, and I don't have money to spend on going out anyway.  Some day I'm going to have to find something to do!   I mean, you know something is not right when you get excited that you'll be driving your granddaughter to and from school TWO days this week, instead of one!

Yesterday (April Fools Day) was Paul's birthday.  Weekends are hard enough without that.  What made it even harder was that only a few people acknowledged it.  My sister called, my daughter sent a text, my granddaughter sent a text asking if I needed anything (she works at a high-end grocery store and said she could bring me anything that sounded good).  My son and daughter-in-law mentioned it when they stopped by.  But...nothing from anyone else.  Nothing from his daughter, who I raised from age 4.  Nothing from his friends, who promised they'd keep in touch.  And nothing from any of his brothers or sister.  It made me sadder than usual.

 

[RichS]

Is there a park nearby where you live? I had a particularly rough morning today; so my son and I went to a nearby park, took in the fresh air and the nature surrounding us. It was like taking an Advil for a headache. The afternoon went better after that. Maybe that will work for you (??)

 

[MichiganDaniel]

53 minutes ago, RichS said:

Is there a park nearby where you live?

Our favorite park, where we went to together to take walks. I went back there already once. It was cold, and I sat on a bench by the empty play area.

[KayC]

13 hours ago, Carol34 said:

Nothing from his daughter, who I raised from age 4.  Nothing from his friends, who promised they'd keep in touch.  And nothing from any of his brothers or sister.

I'm sorry.  At least you heard from those that count, that's how I look at it.  It's horrible his daughter didn't contact you esp. 

 

9 hours ago, Gator M said:

I'm stuck in CA sleeping in an empty airport waiting on a 5am flight.

That sounds horrible!  Been 23 years since I had to do that with a huge group of teens, couldn't sleep as it was coed and we had to keep an eye on them.  Ugh. Now THAT is bored!  But I was younger then...

[Carol34]

2 hours ago, KayC said:

I'm sorry.  At least you heard from those that count, that's how I look at it.  It's horrible his daughter didn't contact you esp. 

 

 

Thanks KayC.  I feel the same way.  A year ago, I was angry at his family for not keeping in touch.  I still miss a lot of them, but I had to let go of that anger.  Oh, it still hurts, but whenever they let me down, I think of the people who are there for me, and it makes me feel so much better.

[RichS]

I see a possible "free flight" in your future; to compensate you for missing your connection.  I once was on a flight that was supposed to go from Boston to Ft. Lauderdale; which was delayed for 3 hours because of snow. We sat on the plane for 3 hours before they decided that the plane was being diverted to Nassau, Bahamas. Then they changed their minds back to Ft. Lauderdale. Then they admitted that they overbooked the flight. If you chose to give up your seat, they would fly you to Houston, feed you, pay for a hotel room overnight, then fly you back to Ft. Lauderdale. I would have taken them up on it, but I had to take a college final that night. LONGEST DAY OF MY LIFE!!

[DMB]

I can relate to this topic. Yesterday morning, after filing my tax return online I suddenly felt drained and lacked any motivation to do anything except eat and watch TV.  So that's what I did.  I still have days like this.  I've even had a few where I'm pretty sure I never spoke out loud.  The silence is deafening.  Yesterday I spoke to one friend on the phone for about 10 minutes.  Couple of texts with my daughter, and that's it.  Not sure I'll ever get used to it.   I try to be forgiving of myself instead of letting the guilty feelings get to me for not getting my chores and other things done.  Who cares?  No one lives there but me, yet I still struggle with housework and yardwork.  Somehow this equates to grief for me.

Feels good to be out of the house today at work, but it was hard getting going this morning and I certainly could have just stayed in bed.  I texted my son to come with the weed whacker this week so then I can just concentrate on the dishes and floors.  Taking that one chore away I hope helps me finish what should have been done.

It is very lonely still.  

[KayC]

20 hours ago, Carol34 said:

whenever they let me down, I think of the people who are there for me, and it makes me feel so much better.

That is such a good way to look at it!  My family lives too far to be of help in my everyday life, but their caring helps some.

[MichiganDaniel]

1 hour ago, Gator M said:

I finally got home last night.

Wow. What an ordeal. Glad you got home safe. Modern travel can be so awful sometimes.

[KayC]

So glad you made it home after sleeping in an airport, what a horrid trip!  Makes one appreciate home.

[RichS]

On 4/3/2023 at 2:43 PM, DMB said:

 I try to be forgiving of myself instead of letting the guilty feelings get to me for not getting my chores and other things done.  Who cares?  No one lives there but me, yet I still struggle with housework and yard work.  Somehow this equates to grief for me.

Yes, I've noticed the motivation to get things done is not there like it used to be. Part of it is my grief, part of it is just getting older. Indifference also plays a part in my lack of motivation; but I can only go so far with that. I have responsibilities as a caretaker and I'd feel selfish if I slacked off. At the same time, I do find some downtime at various times during the day; which help me to re-charge my batteries and keep my sanity.