New here----Lost my daughter 3 months ago

[shea19]

Hi, I am new to the forum and this is my first post.

My only child, a daughter, passed away in her sleep 3 months ago. I went to wake her up and she was gone. I have been trying to handle my grief alone as it seems that everyone I'm close to can't handle my sadness. I try to be strong and act like everything is okay, but I am alone all day and all I do is cry. I am so sad, all I can think of is my precious daughter and how much I miss her. She was bipolar and struggled with the disease for many years, actually most of her adult life. She was disabled because of it and her life was very sad. Most people seem to think she is better off now. That may be so, I don't know. But I am not moving forward. I am stuck. We were extremely close and I was really all she had. Her father abandoned her at age 4 and lives somewhere in the Mid East for his work. I didn't even know where to find him to tell him she had died. This breaks my heart because she always held out thinking he would someday get in touch with her. She continued to love him very much. I don't know what to do with myself now that she is gone. I don't know where life goes from here.

[shorty16]

Shea's Mom

If your daughter's angel date of Oct/2011 is correct; you are doing fine right now. Moving forward in motions is possible, but out brains are tramatized by our child's death and will not function properly for a while.

Be kind to yourself. If you are back at work (home or out), getting up in the morning and taking care of basic necessities; you are doing fine. That is all we can expect out of ourselves at this point in the grief journey.

I am 3.5 years into this journey and I am now able to function almost at the level I was before Brian's death. We change when our children die. Our brain's change and we have to figure out who we have become, because of our childs death.

Giving you hope,

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[Jilly's mom]

Shea's mom.

I am so very sorry for the loss of your beloved daughter. Many of us post in the "loss of an adult child thread." Go to that one, and leave your story there....and read others. My daughter's angel date is 11-19-11. I feel your pain. I can't imagine even trying to go through it alone. The most wonderful thing about this site is that you are NEVER alone. There is always someonne to talk to, to vent with, to ask questions...and occasionally to even smile or chuckle with. Every person on this site has been down the road you have. Maybe not the same manner, but always the same destination. We are here for you. Share your story. Come join our family.

Louise, Jilly's mom

[shea19]

Shea's Mom

If your daughter's angel date of Oct/2011 is correct; you are doing fine right now. Moving forward in motions is possible, but out brains are tramatized by our child's death and will not function properly for a while.

Be kind to yourself. If you are back at work (home or out), getting up in the morning and taking care of basic necessities; you are doing fine. That is all we can expect out of ourselves at this point in the grief journey.

I am 3.5 years into this journey and I am now able to function almost at the level I was before Brian's death. We change when our children die. Our brain's change and we have to figure out who we have become, because of our childs death.

Giving you hope,

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

Colleen, thank you so much for replying to my post and offering your support. I feel so alone in my grieving and caught somewhere between Heaven and Hell, knowing that my daughter, Shea, is in Heaven yet I feel like I am in Hell every day. I am disabled and do not work so I am home alone every day. I feel totally numb except that I can't stop crying. Sometimes the pain is so great that I feel as if I don't want to go on. Shea was my only child and I have no granchildren. I have all of her things in boxes upstairs and I cannot even think about going through them or giving anything away. I have the contents of her purse in a bag and I can't go through it either. I don't know that I will ever be myself again and I feel completely broken. I stay to myself as I have found that people tire of sadness very quickly and just don't want to deal with it. Your reply gives me hope that one day I will be able to go own with my life yet I know it will always be different without her here with me.

Blessings,

Kathy

[robyn]

Hi, I am new to the forum and this is my first post.

My only child, a daughter, passed away in her sleep 3 months ago. I went to wake her up and she was gone. I have been trying to handle my grief alone as it seems that everyone I'm close to can't handle my sadness. I try to be strong and act like everything is okay, but I am alone all day and all I do is cry. I am so sad, all I can think of is my precious daughter and how much I miss her. She was bipolar and struggled with the disease for many years, actually most of her adult life. She was disabled because of it and her life was very sad. Most people seem to think she is better off now. That may be so, I don't know. But I am not moving forward. I am stuck. We were extremely close and I was really all she had. Her father abandoned her at age 4 and lives somewhere in the Mid East for his work. I didn't even know where to find him to tell him she had died. This breaks my heart because she always held out thinking he would someday get in touch with her. She continued to love him very much. I don't know what to do with myself now that she is gone. I don't know where life goes from here.

Shea's Mom,

My girl went home the same way, in her sleep on Nov. 22, 2011. There are no words that will make this alright, of course, but you are coming to the right place. Everyone here knows what you are feeling and are ready to listen.

I don't think people are trying to be dismissive- I just think they don't know what to say or do. They can't help internalizing your sorrow, and imagining "what if this happened to me". It scares them.

Death is hardest for those of us left behind, and yes, she IS in a far better place than this. Of course, it takes a while for those of us left here to realize this. She isn't far from you and she hears everything you say to her. There are no absolutes and no rules dealing with our loss. We have to make our way, one step at a time. For me, it has been with my eyes on God, every minute. Without Him, I would have rolled into a fetal position and stayed there.

Coming in here helps; talking, babbling, ranting and raging are all accepted without judgement. Everyone here is ready to step up and talk to you, pray for you and hold you in their hearts and prayers. Take care of yourself and be kind to yourself. Most of all give yourself time and the right to grieve as long as you need to.

Love,

Robyn

[shea19]

Shea's Mom,

My girl went home the same way, in her sleep on Nov. 22, 2011. There are no words that will make this alright, of course, but you are coming to the right place. Everyone here knows what you are feeling and are ready to listen.

I don't think people are trying to be dismissive- I just think they don't know what to say or do. They can't help internalizing your sorrow, and imagining "what if this happened to me". It scares them.

Death is hardest for those of us left behind, and yes, she IS in a far better place than this. Of course, it takes a while for those of us left here to realize this. She isn't far from you and she hears everything you say to her. There are no absolutes and no rules dealing with our loss. We have to make our way, one step at a time. For me, it has been with my eyes on God, every minute. Without Him, I would have rolled into a fetal position and stayed there.

Coming in here helps; talking, babbling, ranting and raging are all accepted without judgement. Everyone here is ready to step up and talk to you, pray for you and hold you in their hearts and prayers. Take care of yourself and be kind to yourself. Most of all give yourself time and the right to grieve as long as you need to.

Love,

Robyn

Robyn,

I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your precious daughter. Your words are very comforting to me and I know you are right in that she IS in a better place. It is hard for me to focus on that because I want her back so much. I feel selfish but I don't care. She was everything to me and I was her caretaker for so long because of her illness. I am left not knowing if she took her own life or if she mismanaged her medicine and I feel guilty because I should have known she wasn't taking her meds right. She had been doing so good until the last few days of her life. I want to turn to God but I feel ashamed like I did something wrong and this is my punishment. I am rambling now so I will stop, but I want you to know I have heard what you've said and I appreciate you trying to help me understand my grief.

Love,

Kathy

[shea19]

Shea's mom.

I am so very sorry for the loss of your beloved daughter. Many of us post in the "loss of an adult child thread." Go to that one, and leave your story there....and read others. My daughter's angel date is 11-19-11. I feel your pain. I can't imagine even trying to go through it alone. The most wonderful thing about this site is that you are NEVER alone. There is always someonne to talk to, to vent with, to ask questions...and occasionally to even smile or chuckle with. Every person on this site has been down the road you have. Maybe not the same manner, but always the same destination. We are here for you. Share your story. Come join our family.

Louise, Jilly's mom

Louise,

Thank you so much for responding to my post and I am so sorry about the loss of your precious daughter exactly one month after the loss of my angel. I have tried to find the thread for 'loss of an adult child' and didnt find it right off but I will keep looking until I find the thread. Your words were very helpful.

Love,

Kathy

[robyn]

Robyn,

I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your precious daughter. Your words are very comforting to me and I know you are right in that she IS in a better place. It is hard for me to focus on that because I want her back so much. I feel selfish but I don't care. She was everything to me and I was her caretaker for so long because of her illness. I am left not knowing if she took her own life or if she mismanaged her medicine and I feel guilty because I should have known she wasn't taking her meds right. She had been doing so good until the last few days of her life. I want to turn to God but I feel ashamed like I did something wrong and this is my punishment. I am rambling now so I will stop, but I want you to know I have heard what you've said and I appreciate you trying to help me understand my grief.

Love,

Kathy

Kathy,

To want your child back isn't selfish.

You rage, but don't know who to blame. People try to offer some comfort, but there is none to be had. You beat yourself up with guilt. Your pain pushes everything else out of your head. You think that your sorrow will kill you, and then you are afraid that it won't. You replay your last moments with her over and over in your mind. Everyday, all it takes is a song, a remark, a memory, and you are sobbing again- not the usual crying, but the gut-wrenching kind that makes your ribs hurt. You think, sometimes, that you are losing your mind. Does that all sound familiar? Sadly enough, all this "chezarai" is part of the process. Nothing, no pain on earth, matches that of losing a child. And no one, even those of us in here who have been through it, can tell you every step you will go through or how best to understand it.

We are a distinct brother/sisterhood in here, and when you want to ramble- ramble away. Everyone here is ready to listen and reach out. And everyone wants to hear about your beautiful girl. Go into the gallery and post a hundred pictures of her! Every one will be viewed. Coming in here was a blessing for me. Just to be able to talk about Chrissy was cathartic. Maybe it will help you in the same way.

Just know that everyone here cares about you, is praying for you and ready to reach out.

Much love,

Robyn

[Guest msnher]

Shea's mom - I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter!

At three months, moving on is impossible. The shock hasn't even worn off, yet (as hard as that may be to believe). I'm concerned that you are so alone, though. I'm glad you found us. This site literally saved my life when my 28 year old daughter, Stephanie, was killed in an ATV accident. As has been said, the thread "Loss of an adult child" is a more active thread and you will receive a greater response. There are people there who have been on this journey longer and will offer you love, acceptance and understanding. Colleen is one of those women. She helped me a great deal when I found this site, even though she's only a year further than I.

During those first few months I remember trying to find a way around or through (as long as it was quick) so I could function in life again. However, grief is powerful and demands our respect. Right now your grief will be calling the shots in your life. As long as you do nothing to harm yourself, please just "go with it". Do what you have to do to survive. Be gentle with yourself. You are in new territory and it will take some time to find your footing in the foreign land you have been thrust into. But, you will find your footing. You will never be the same, but, with time, you can find new purpose to your existence. There is purpose for your existence, Shea's mom, please hold on to that hope!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[shea19]

Shea's mom - I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter!

At three months, moving on is impossible. The shock hasn't even worn off, yet (as hard as that may be to believe). I'm concerned that you are so alone, though. I'm glad you found us. This site literally saved my life when my 28 year old daughter, Stephanie, was killed in an ATV accident. As has been said, the thread "Loss of an adult child" is a more active thread and you will receive a greater response. There are people there who have been on this journey longer and will offer you love, acceptance and understanding. Colleen is one of those women. She helped me a great deal when I found this site, even though she's only a year further than I.

During those first few months I remember trying to find a way around or through (as long as it was quick) so I could function in life again. However, grief is powerful and demands our respect. Right now your grief will be calling the shots in your life. As long as you do nothing to harm yourself, please just "go with it". Do what you have to do to survive. Be gentle with yourself. You are in new territory and it will take some time to find your footing in the foreign land you have been thrust into. But, you will find your footing. You will never be the same, but, with time, you can find new purpose to your existence. There is purpose for your existence, Shea's mom, please hold on to that hope!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

Susannah,

Thank you so much for your loving words of support. I have gone to the Adult Child thread and have been reading the posts. I have not posted there yet. My mind is not working as it should and I do not have a clue what to say about losing my daughter anymore. I feel as though I am being tortured every day for something. Your words are so kind and I really appreciate your concern about my being alone with this grief. I know that my family loves me but they can't deal with my sadness. I have news for them, neither can I.

Kathy/Shea's mama