new to this...

[lao15]

I have been told that it helps one to move on if they talk about what happened. I have never posted in an online group or have gotten any support after my brothers death. It has been 4 months since Justin has died and I thought things would get better, but it seems to only be getting worse.

I guess I will begin with a little background. I come from a broken family. I am the youngest of 3, and the only girl. My two brothers were very close in age, about 18 months apart, and I came 4 years later. Growing up my two older brothers were my rock, my childhood memories are filled with my dad being an alcoholic, and my parents constantly arguing about anything and everything. Most nights I would go into my brothers room crawl in bed with them and try to forget about everything around me. My parents divorced when I was 10, and my brothers were teenagers. My mom had to pick up a job at a factory working nights, so my brothers were left to be teenagers unattended.

As the years went on my eldest brother Justin battled addiction and was in and out of jail for numerous reasons. Late 2010 my brother went to jail for a petty fine, one Saturday our family came together and talked to Justin about getting his life on track, sober, and growing up. When he got out of jail, I helped him get a job and get his feet on the ground. Even though i was the youngest, I was the oldest in some way. I was the only one to graduate high school, and recently graduate college. When Justin got a job, started to make money, got his drivers license back, and I had never seen him so happy.

In August of 2011 Justin and his girlfriend went through a bad break-up. She had went behind his back, started dating his best friend, and all that drama started. I knew Justin was hurting, but I blew it off, I thought he should just get over her and move on. Justin worked on the barge, on 30 days, off 30 days... During one time he was working, he kept wanting me to upgrade his phone, so he could get on the internet while he was on the boat. I kept telling him not to worry about it, he can do it when he gets back, so forth and so on.

September 23rd 2011, Justin came home from the barge, and wanted to go down to Nashville. He had asked everyone if they wanted to go down there, he asked me, and I said I had to work, and told him to save his money. Well, he found a friend to go down there with him, and that is the last that I talked to Justin.

September 24th, around 11AM my grandmother called me asking me to come over. I told her that I couldn't because I needed to go to work, but I knew something was wrong. She wouldn't tell me, but I demanded. She told me she had gotten a call from the Nashville jail that Justin was dead. I went numb, I went outside and screamed, I didn't know what to do. I couldn't breathe. She didn't know anything. Once I calmed down, I called my fiance, told him to come home, and planned what to do next. I knew this was going to kill my mother, my brother, and my father.

I don't know what happened in the next couple of hours, but I was able to call my other brother, Zach, who lived two hours away, and tell him to come home. Went to my mother's work, and informed her of the news. Went to my father's and broke down. Everyone met there. We had so many unanswered questions. In the next couple of days, I was the one to call the funeral home, make arrangements, pick out what he was going to wear, and try to hold it together for my family. For 22, I don't know how I did it.

In the following days we had gotten some answers. Justin was downtown at a bar when a fight broke out. The bar shut down moving everyone outside. When the police showed up they arrested everyone for Public Intoxication. This was about 2 AM on September 24th. He was coherent when he was arrested. The officer said he was drunk, but not out of control. He was booked at 6 AM, (yes he was in the cop car for 4 hrs), and put into a drunk tank. Around 8 AM he tried to make a phone call. He first tried to call the hotel where he was staying to get in contact with his friend, unable to accept collect calls, he then hung up to call my dad. At this time another inmate started talking to Justin about taking a long time and told him to hurry up. Justin tried to talk to the guy, but when he turned around he was hit in the back of the head.

The jail separated Justin and the other inmate. The jail did not seek medical help, around 10 AM Justin was found hunched over in his cell, dead. To this day we have not received ANY information about how he died. No autopsy, toxicology, or anything. It has been over 4 months.

Putting the pieces back together, I knew Justin was hurting. Looking at his phone, his ex had sent him some horrible messages. I just wish I would of been there for him instead of constantly nagging or trying to be his parent. I wish I could of stepped back and been a sister when he needed one.

At the funeral everyone asked me, how is Zach, they were so close, how are your parents? I wanted to say what about me. I feel like I was forgot about in the grieving process. I was the one that looked put together on the outside, but really I am falling apart. I held his hand in the casket, and didn't want to believe it was real. I wanted to wake up from this dream. I don't know how I did it. I don't know how I am doing it now. I can see Justin, I can hear his voice, I can smell his cologne, how can he be gone?

I just don't know what to do without my big brother.

[Kenn]

Hi lao, I'm so sorry for what has happened. I know how bad you are hurting. My daughter died in July and it has been so difficult, but somehow I'm beginning to accept what has happened and go ahead with my life. Reading your letter I was really impressed with how well you have managed your life, even with all the difficulty you went through. You should be commended for doing so many things right. It reminds me of the time my sister told me that she never called much because she knew she didn't have to worry about me. When we keep our lives together in a stable manner people start taking it for granted that we always will. I see that everyone believes in you, and I can see that everyone relies on your inner strength. They see you as the one who knows what to do.

I know it isn't fair to you, but it is an honor to you that people see you that way. You seem to be blaming yourself for not knowing that your brother was going to die. I'm so sorry to see you doing that. You have always done everything you knew how to do to help your family, but now you blame yourself for not preventing this. Honey you couldn't know what would happen that night. And if you had all you could have done is tried to encourage him. The rest of what happened was our of your control.

One of the things that was so hard for me was my playing the blame game. I blamed myself for my daughters death, when I had actually done everything I knew to do to try to prevent it. You and I are a lot alike. I'm an old man almost 62 and you are a young beautiful woman, but grief has affected us both in much the same way. I pray that you are able to put things in perspective and stop blaming yourself. Time is a great healer, and if you can get rid of some of the guilt, the reality of what has happened will get easier to live with. My heart really goes out to you. I wish you all the best. Ken

I have been told that it helps one to move on if they talk about what happened. I have never posted in an online group or have gotten any support after my brothers death. It has been 4 months since Justin has died and I thought things would get better, but it seems to only be getting worse.

I guess I will begin with a little background. I come from a broken family. I am the youngest of 3, and the only girl. My two brothers were very close in age, about 18 months apart, and I came 4 years later. Growing up my two older brothers were my rock, my childhood memories are filled with my dad being an alcoholic, and my parents constantly arguing about anything and everything. Most nights I would go into my brothers room crawl in bed with them and try to forget about everything around me. My parents divorced when I was 10, and my brothers were teenagers. My mom had to pick up a job at a factory working nights, so my brothers were left to be teenagers unattended.

As the years went on my eldest brother Justin battled addiction and was in and out of jail for numerous reasons. Late 2010 my brother went to jail for a petty fine, one Saturday our family came together and talked to Justin about getting his life on track, sober, and growing up. When he got out of jail, I helped him get a job and get his feet on the ground. Even though i was the youngest, I was the oldest in some way. I was the only one to graduate high school, and recently graduate college. When Justin got a job, started to make money, got his drivers license back, and I had never seen him so happy.

In August of 2011 Justin and his girlfriend went through a bad break-up. She had went behind his back, started dating his best friend, and all that drama started. I knew Justin was hurting, but I blew it off, I thought he should just get over her and move on. Justin worked on the barge, on 30 days, off 30 days... During one time he was working, he kept wanting me to upgrade his phone, so he could get on the internet while he was on the boat. I kept telling him not to worry about it, he can do it when he gets back, so forth and so on.

September 23rd 2011, Justin came home from the barge, and wanted to go down to Nashville. He had asked everyone if they wanted to go down there, he asked me, and I said I had to work, and told him to save his money. Well, he found a friend to go down there with him, and that is the last that I talked to Justin.

September 24th, around 11AM my grandmother called me asking me to come over. I told her that I couldn't because I needed to go to work, but I knew something was wrong. She wouldn't tell me, but I demanded. She told me she had gotten a call from the Nashville jail that Justin was dead. I went numb, I went outside and screamed, I didn't know what to do. I couldn't breathe. She didn't know anything. Once I calmed down, I called my fiance, told him to come home, and planned what to do next. I knew this was going to kill my mother, my brother, and my father.

I don't know what happened in the next couple of hours, but I was able to call my other brother, Zach, who lived two hours away, and tell him to come home. Went to my mother's work, and informed her of the news. Went to my father's and broke down. Everyone met there. We had so many unanswered questions. In the next couple of days, I was the one to call the funeral home, make arrangements, pick out what he was going to wear, and try to hold it together for my family. For 22, I don't know how I did it.

In the following days we had gotten some answers. Justin was downtown at a bar when a fight broke out. The bar shut down moving everyone outside. When the police showed up they arrested everyone for Public Intoxication. This was about 2 AM on September 24th. He was coherent when he was arrested. The officer said he was drunk, but not out of control. He was booked at 6 AM, (yes he was in the cop car for 4 hrs), and put into a drunk tank. Around 8 AM he tried to make a phone call. He first tried to call the hotel where he was staying to get in contact with his friend, unable to accept collect calls, he then hung up to call my dad. At this time another inmate started talking to Justin about taking a long time and told him to hurry up. Justin tried to talk to the guy, but when he turned around he was hit in the back of the head.

The jail separated Justin and the other inmate. The jail did not seek medical help, around 10 AM Justin was found hunched over in his cell, dead. To this day we have not received ANY information about how he died. No autopsy, toxicology, or anything. It has been over 4 months.

Putting the pieces back together, I knew Justin was hurting. Looking at his phone, his ex had sent him some horrible messages. I just wish I would of been there for him instead of constantly nagging or trying to be his parent. I wish I could of stepped back and been a sister when he needed one.

At the funeral everyone asked me, how is Zach, they were so close, how are your parents? I wanted to say what about me. I feel like I was forgot about in the grieving process. I was the one that looked put together on the outside, but really I am falling apart. I held his hand in the casket, and didn't want to believe it was real. I wanted to wake up from this dream. I don't know how I did it. I don't know how I am doing it now. I can see Justin, I can hear his voice, I can smell his cologne, how can he be gone?

I just don't know what to do without my big brother.

[Kapet]

Hi Lao, Im so sorry for your loss. I understand what your going through. I lost my little brother on September 6th. We also still have no answers. He was in a diving accident 16 years ago but was only paralized. He was 8 years younger than me, so when he was born I took over and became mommys little helper. We grew up teasing my mom telling her that she may have given birth to him but he is my baby. After his diving accident he went into a coma. When he came out of the coma I was standing there. His first words to me when he came out of the coma were, "can I still be your baby?" I cried so hard and told him he will always be my baby. He was paralized from the chest down. Since his accident he has graduated with a degree from college and has began to further his education. His plan was to become a child psycologist. As children I was like a second mother to him as adults we became friends and then best friends. We hung out very often and talked on the phone almost daily. I have and older brother as well and a younger sister. As it seems Sherry and Tim were close, and Steve and I were close. Dont get me wrong. I got along with them as well but it just wasnt the same. Steve and I always had a special connection. I spoke to him on the phone on September 5th. It was the typical conversation we always have. Joking and laughing. I was at work when he called. We spoke for about 25 minutes then I had to go to wait on someone. I told him I had to go and he said ok but I need to tell you something first. I said ok, what? He said I love you, your my favorite sister in the whole wide world. (that was something he always said to me. He would say it to my sister too and then he would turn and wink at me. ) It became our thing. Which one of us was his favorite? lol. Anyway, So I laughed and said I love you too Steve and you know your my favorite brother in the whole wide world too, but I gotta go. He said ok but oh I really need to tell you something seriously. I said ok but make it quick. He said again, your my favorite sister in the whole wide world and I love you! We laughed so hard and told him again I love him too. Then we hung up. My son Michael went over that night to hang out with him. I have 3 sons. Anthony 21, Michael and Joseph 19. (twins) They were all more than Uncle to Nephews as well. They were all friends too. Michael and Steve were hanging out in Steves room watching movies and talking, joking around and so on. Steve fell asleep around 1am so Michael decided to come home. I got up in the morning and went to work as usual. Around 10am I went to go on my break. I walked outside with my phone. Just as I got out the door, my phone rang. It was my older brother Tim. He told me Steve was dead. I yelled at him and accused him of lying and having a horrible sense of humor. He said do you really think I would joke about something like that? I said no. I ran back in and cant remember much that happened while I was there except for what they told me when I returned to work a week later. I fell over while standing at my desk. Unsteady on my feet. My brother picked me up from work and I went to the house. Steve was still in his room in his bed. Police were there and said we could go into his room but not touch him or anything in the room until the coroner came. I decided to stay out because I knew it would be impossible not to touch him. After the coroner left I went into his room. My parents and my brother were on the porch with the door open. I went in by myself and stood there looking at my baby brother. He looked like he was sleeping. I began to cry. I heard what sounded like him trying to take a breath. I started screaming at him to breathe also saying I know your still in there! Just breathe. Apparently I was stamping my feet and screaming so bad that my dad and my brother came running in. My brother said my name and my dad put his hand on my shoulder and I passed out and dropped to the floor. My mother sat on the porch crying when she heard me telling him to wake up. My sons showed up very distraught. Michael in total disbelief because he was just with him and he was fine. An autopsy was done and we still have no answers as to what happened to Steve. I still find myself picking up the phone to call him. I walk into my parents house and sometimes yell out Hey Steve! I hear his voice calling my name and sometimes I think I see him in the shadows. I feel him here with me. Although I havent been able to except his death yet. It just cant be real!!! I need him so much! and miss him terribly! I havent gone one day without crying yet and I dont know if I ever will. Even though I am the second oldest out of the four of us, they always treat me like Im the baby. Ive always been the more sensative one out of us kids. And when it comes to death it gets even worse. And with Steve its just unbearable!!! I feel like I will never get over this loss and go back to being me. I miss being me. I used to have fun and like to go out with my friends and do things. But now, I feel I have no energy. He was in a wheelchair for 16 years. I keep telling myself, but hes walking now. It doesnt make me feel better. Thanksgiving everyone came to my house. It was very quiet all day. I remember thinking, I want the ramps back in my front doorway to trip over, I want my livingroom carpet crumpled up under his wheels, I want the laughter and joking being heard through the house while Im cooking in the kitchen. I want my Steve here! Christmas wass even worse. I woke up had my coffee and began to cry. My 4 year old godson came over that morning so we could give him his gifts. My son Anthony is his godfather. We exchanged gifts with him and his mother. When they left my kids opened their gifts. While they were sitting there in the livingroom talking about the things they got I asked if they would mind if I went to lay down. They knew I was upset so they said go ahead. I slept the whole day. I never cooked anything or even woke up until 1130 that night. I apologized to my family and they all hugged me and said it was ok they understood. My husband tries so hard to console me and tells me to let it out when I need to. I find myself these days spending alot of time in my basement because I dont want to upset my kids by crying constantly, so I hide. or I try to keep it in.