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Recovering from Loss


Maddy6

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Wow, your talent really shows in your art. Your honesty really shows in your art too, and I only wish I had the ability to open up my heart that way. I love people who are real, and you have helped me more than you know by sharing your heart with me. Thank you so much Maddy.

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Maddy I have a few more things to say about your painting if you don't mind. For one thing I know that you are the god of that painting, and it represents what you want it to represent. Also as I look at the image of you, I see that you are determined to have control, with the pencil in your hand that you use to create the reality you want for your future. I also notice that you aren't desperately holding on to your life line to help you survive. The rope is loosely wrapped around your arm. If you needed it for survival you would surely be holding on tight with fear in your eyes. When I examine that rope I see that you were just holding on by a thread at some point during your life. Your life was hanging in the balance, and the last strand that was saving your life would have been stretched tight. I notice that the last strand now has some slack, telling me that you now are in complete control again. This settles it for me. I can see that you hold your future firmly in your hand and you now have everything completely under control. Wow, you had a lot to say in your painting. I love it. :)

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A Small Glimpse of My life After......

Although my road to healing is continuous and ongoing, I would like to share……

In the beginning I was numb. I went through the motions. It was like an out of body experience. Really. Who was this person whose body I was inside of. On the outside I spoke and talked and even smiled and laughed. Yet on the inside the pain was raw, searing, tormenting.

I began to run from my pain. I returned to school to earn my degree in education. I found an emotional outlet there. An outlet where no one knew. No one knew and I could pretend, pretend I was another person. A person who did not carry this intense pain. In some ways I am ashamed. Ashamed I was not stronger and could not face things yet. But it was survival, if I stopped for a minute, I knew what I was going to do. I was going to go to be with Rachael, my child for whom I longed.

I could not tell people, I could not say her name and admit to people. I could not answer any questions because if I did I might not be able to control my emotions. I blamed myself. I kept my pain a secret. I pretended to be someone else. Then, slowly, as time passed, I began to emerge. I began to just be honest. At first I was willing to tell people about my daughter. I learned to successfully respond socially correct without flipping out and crying. Going to school offered me an excellent place to slowly emerge. With each new class it was a new group of people who did not know me, my past, or even the person I had been last semester.

Anyway, I eventually changed my degree to pursue graphic design because I am an artist. Then came the day in an art class where we were given an assignment to draw a self portrait dyptich. A dyptich is two paintings, or pictures somehow connected. The assignment was a self portrait for one picture, and how we felt on the inside for the other picture. I was busted. What was I supposed to draw? I felt like walking death on the inside. I couldn’t draw something and fake it. I couldn’t draw myself smiling and some fake story about how I felt on the inside. It was bad enough I was already faking on the outside. I couldn’t fake artwork. So the following artwork is what I did. It was the full truth. Then on the day it had to be presented I told the class the truth. I told them briefly why I felt this way on the inside. I had finally emerged and faced my pain. I had brought the truth to the outside.

But what was really surprising was that almost all of the other people’s pictures were like mine. They all had inner struggles too. Only, these were mostly all much younger people in this class. But, what I found out as I began to be real and admit that I was depressed, I began to find out that there are a lot of struggling people out there. Perhaps as this journey continues, I will be used to help others on this road called life. Perhaps, this will be the legacy of my precious Rachael’s memory. I will be used to help those who hurt. For I have been to hell and back.

Maddy

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Maddy,

I'm amazed at your considerable talent! I'm so glad that you have decided to explore it. It might just prove to be the outlet you needed! The first thing I noted, when I saw it, was the breaking rope. Perhaps you are acknowledging the release of the pain that has been holding you...am I close? The face still shows sorrow, but the arm raised may be indicative of hope? The pencil in your hand shows that you, perhaps, define yourself (perhaps partly) by your artistic abilities? These were just observations as I looked at the drawing and mean nothing at all, except what I see when I look at the drawings. I love them and they leave me with positive feelings. I'm nothing but an amateur! Really good work Maddy!

Much love,

Robyn

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JD's Mom, Becky

Maddy,

Your drawings are exquisite! As I said, my talents are only on the computer, as I can't draw at all, but I think I have a great eye, and am able to take backgrounds, and combine drawings and pictures to create something new. Some of the backgrounds are pictures I have taken, mostly of clouds and sky. But you... you are the real deal. I see you going far, so keep at it! Even if we neither make a living at our art, it is something we enjoy, and I guess in my case I am trying to have a visual or what I imagine, as far as the better place that my son is in.

Love to you and hugs too!!

Becky

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I had no problem knowing what the old meaning was when you were hanging on by a thread, but the meaning has changed. In my eyes it now has the meaning I gave it. Your life is in your hands, and you have control, not the strength of a thread that could break. Moving forward is a good thing. Regardless of the message of the moment while you were painting it, I'll bet your message would be changed if you were painting it now. I know you could choose a different message if your feelings have changed. The little boy in me likes having the ability to change as I grow. Do you know what I'm saying? :)

I never thought about putting this in the picture gallery to show you'll. Thank you for looking. I guess this was a piece in my road to healing and I wanted to show you. I did some other pieces also. The very first piece I did was of Rachael. It helped me to acknowledge to others and face the reality. However, it ended up being painful and I had to kind of place that on the back burner. Painting/drawing details on my daughter's face pulled forth too much raw emotion at that point of my journey.

Ok, this is the meaning. I am looking in a mirror when I drew it, so it is my left arm. That is a wedding ring on my hand signifying wife and mom, the glasses and pencil indicate student and emplyoyee (I was working full time and going to school full time), the rope around my arms signifies I was bound by my feelings, my feelings on the inside were that I was just hanging on by a thread. I guess it is true like you'll pointed out that the rope is not taught. Possibly some meaning there. Anyway, I just wanted to share it with you guys. Thanks for your feedback :-)

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Wow, you know I'm weird. I'm arguing with you over the meaning of your painting. Never mind. I hope it made you smile again though. Does your husband do goofy things like I do? I thought not, I'm a one of a kind kind of guy. Is that a good thing or bad thing. What is the true meaning to the puzzle of a man that I paint of myself? If I had your talent my painting would make more sense. Can you imagine that my family has to put up with me all the time? Can you believe that my wife actually believes I'm wonderful? She seems to like the way I paint over the grey areas that make me uneasy. I wish I could paint a new reality when it comes to Rachael and Hannah. I can't though, because that reality is real. The best we can do is keep control of our lives and go on living like they would want us to.

I had no problem knowing what the old meaning was when you were hanging on by a thread, but the meaning has changed. In my eyes it now has the meaning I gave it. Your life is in your hands, and you have control, not the strength of a thread that could break. Moving forward is a good thing. Regardless of the message of the moment while you were painting it, I'll bet your message would be changed if you were painting it now. I know you could choose a different message if your feelings have changed. The little boy in me likes having the ability to change as I grow. Do you know what I'm saying? :)

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