Loss of my son

[mrsduc]

I have loss my 32 year old son. He lived on the west coast me on the east. We were so close, we spoke atleast 3 to 5 times a day. I knew everything he was doing. And when he was not picking up when I called or answering my texts, I knew I just knew there was something wrong. I knew he was dead, but just hoped that I was wrong. And on the 17th I got a call from my ex letting me know that our son had been found in his apartment in CA. Apparently he had been in there for two weeks. i flew out once the corner unsealed his apartment to get it cleaned out. On the last day I had to be drug out of there. I just could feel him in that apartment. But while we were there his friends and I were turning on his computer to make sure nothing was on it that his father's side of the family should not see (he was gay and they did not approve) and he had it rigged that when someone turned it on, his voice would come on and we found out that he killed himself. My son and I spoke often about his feelings and how he felt loss in this world and felt crazy so to speak. My ex and his parents completely destroyed him so that he could not function and he thought for sure he was born the way he was. I have no guilt in the fact that he is dead. I am glad in that he is finally at peace and he is out of that family. But I am sorry that my love was not enough to help him or save him. But I lost my son/my best friend. He just didn't believe in himself and did not see what I saw and his friends saw only what ex side told him and only seemed to believe them and it screwed him so badly. I just want to know people say it will get better but i just cant believe when it comes to a child. I am heading back to CA in two weeks for his friends memorial service because I am not invited to his father's side and I need to speak and let his friends know what a wonderful caring funny person my son was. I just don't know what to do after the memorial. Everyone else goes on with their life, I feel like begging God to allow him back with no pain and in a different family and to take me in his place. But I know this can't be.

[Tweetymm125@aol.com]

I have loss my 32 year old son. He lived on the west coast me on the east. We were so close, we spoke atleast 3 to 5 times a day. I knew everything he was doing. And when he was not picking up when I called or answering my texts, I knew I just knew there was something wrong. I knew he was dead, but just hoped that I was wrong. And on the 17th I got a call from my ex letting me know that our son had been found in his apartment in CA. Apparently he had been in there for two weeks. i flew out once the corner unsealed his apartment to get it cleaned out. On the last day I had to be drug out of there. I just could feel him in that apartment. But while we were there his friends and I were turning on his computer to make sure nothing was on it that his father's side of the family should not see (he was gay and they did not approve) and he had it rigged that when someone turned it on, his voice would come on and we found out that he killed himself. My son and I spoke often about his feelings and how he felt loss in this world and felt crazy so to speak. My ex and his parents completely destroyed him so that he could not function and he thought for sure he was born the way he was. I have no guilt in the fact that he is dead. I am glad in that he is finally at peace and he is out of that family. But I am sorry that my love was not enough to help him or save him. But I lost my son/my best friend. He just didn't believe in himself and did not see what I saw and his friends saw only what ex side told him and only seemed to believe them and it screwed him so badly. I just want to know people say it will get better but i just cant believe when it comes to a child. I am heading back to CA in two weeks for his friends memorial service because I am not invited to his father's side and I need to speak and let his friends know what a wonderful caring funny person my son was. I just don't know what to do after the memorial. Everyone else goes on with their life, I feel like begging God to allow him back with no pain and in a different family and to take me in his place. But I know this can't be.

[Tweetymm125@aol.com]

I am so sorry for yor loss I lost my only son to an accidental drug overdose A few months after my daughter and I saw him on the ceiling A perfect shadow of Rob jst like a photo from Olan Mills He was there all night We both saw him I believe that it was a sign from God Your son will watch over yo and be close by till yo meet him again and he loves you very much Do not forget that You are in my prayers This site has really helped me because no one else knows how we feel except the people here I feel yor pain I am sending yo hugs and many many prayers

Robs Mom

[mrsduc]

I went and helped to clean his apartment out and I could just feel him in his bedroom like he was watching me. I heard him say "Sorry Mom, but had to do it." See my son overdose was not an accident. While his friends and I were cleaning his bedroom we found his video on his computer when we turned it on saying goodbye to everyone. I just feel my love just wasn't enough to save him. I know he knew I loved him, but it just wasn't enough. I just keep getting told that the pain will get better. But all that tell me this, have not loss a child. I have depression problems (nothing like I will kill myself or anything), but I can feel myself slipping into it so I called my doctor today and that completely drained me. I am heading back to CA to speak at the memorial that his friends are having. But I already know that they know him almost as well as I did. I knew he had been thinking of killing himself this past summer and I went to visit him and I thought it would help. I told him that I loved him and was very proud of the man he had come. I told him all the time everytime we spoke and he told me alot how much he loved me and told me times when I had really helped him. But he just did not reach out this time. Will the pain less soon. It hurts so bad. I have tried to explain it to my husband and others but none of them have lost a child (my son was from my first marriage). I just don't know what to do.