My mom was my everything

[Zeeee]

Last year was one of the worst years for me. My dad had an episode of psychosis for the 2nd time and he was hospitalized and it was really tough seeing him in that state. Me and mom did alot to bring him back to his normal self. Things had been tough after he had retired and mom was the only person working and earning as she had to take care of everything. I, being a medical student and having barely anytime to work, tried my best to help my parents. My sister is married and lives elsewhere and Im the only one at home. Anyway on 31st dec 2011 i updated my facebook status saying that :God 2011 was a bad year, plz make 2012 bring us surprises"

On 1st Jan 2012, after mom came back from work we sat as usual, drinking tea and having a conversation abt how our days were, we decided to go to the parlor. 7:30 pm we went and got stuff done and by 9:30 came home. She said she will go lie down for a while and have dinner later. I sat in my room browsing online. She was such a caring person that she would run after us with food and milk and stuff so it was kinda strange that she hadnt come into my room until 11:30. My dad wasnt home coz he recently got a part time job and was working till late evenin. Anyway i went to check up on her and i didnt hear her snoring (like she alwez would do) . I touched her she felt cold. I covered her with a blanket and then i checked her pulse. It was not there . I had a panic attack and started screaming and moving her, I ran to get some honey thinking she had passed out , when i opened her mouth, her tongue had turned blue and stiff. I callled the ambulence and started compressing her chest . Didnt feel anything. when the paramedics came they did her ECG n there was a flat line. I was hysterically crying and asking God to wake me up from this bad dream. How could she just go away???? i forced the paramedics to take her to the hospital but they kept insisting she was dead and this is the will of God. I didnt care n ran outside looking for a cab. I got 1 and somehow picked my moms body and took her to the nearest hospital. After 20 mins of resuscitation the doctors said "time of death 1:25 am" i didnt know if i was hearing correctly or was i losing my head. I called my sister and brother in law who came immediately and they were frantic. Alll this time dad dint know what was goin on! wen i went to see my mom she luked like she was sleeping ... i kept kissing her forehead and asking her to open her eyes. She wudnt and then slowly her neck and fingers were getting stiff... my mom alwez wore a gold necklace and 2 gold bangles and they asked me to take it off coz they had to take her to the morgue! it was so painful that just writing this is making me cry! finally we told dad around 7 am becoz we didnt want him to go in shock! he started shaking all over and he was like "what are u sayin? shes gone?" ... wat could i say?

its been 1 month now and i cry everyday.... She had so many plans regarding my graduation, my further studies, my marriage and now im left all alone to tc of eveyrthing and everyone at the age of 24. sometimes i feel guilty that maybe i should have gone to her earlier, she would be alive but i dono ....... I miss her every second and i wish she was here.... i remember her smile, the way she used to laugh loudly, the way she wud sing, the way she wud scold us, the way she wud hug me so tightly after every breakup tht i had with a bf, after every failure, after every cold n flu...... n now i stand and the window and stare into the sky thinking il never get that again.....

Life can be so cruel that they take away the most precious thing in ur life..... I couldnt even tell her that i love her .... i wish i cud hold her...... jst so lost without her ...............

[debbie8800]

First let me say i am so sorry for your loss and i know its hard to write about. I lost my mother on nov 14, we were struggling over guardianship, I am the only daughter and all alone also. I used to cry everyday and wonder what the point was but i am getting better now. Its been 2 months 1 week. I still miss her so much. My mom is buried in a mausoleum and i was there yesterday, sat talking to her.

I feel lost without my mother too but i am 52 and mom was 87. You are very young. I know exactly how you feel. My mom was my whole world and i cannot believe she is gone. Keep coming here and putting down your feelings it helps. I write on here every couple of days.

I also have to deal with roommates and still trying to find the right situation for me i am not too happy where i am now. I am thinking i want to visit scotland where mom was from too. Nice to meet you and keep busy and we are here if you need to vent or chat.

God bless you. Prayers for strength, peace, endurance, healing and comfort.

Debbie

[Mrssumr]

I just wanted to say how sorry I am. I lost my mom 2 1/2 weeks ago on Jan 13. I feel the same way you do. I am 36 and I feel I was cheated my Mom was 72 still very young and I feel she was cheated. To read your only 24 breaks my heart. I am so sorry you have to go through this. Everyone tells me time will help. I know right now I am in a fog and having such a hard time coming to grips with this. Please come back and talk about her and share your feeling. I don't really post but I read the board and it's given me some comfort to know I am not alone along this very painful journey.

[Zeeee]

My deepest condolences to Debbie & Mrssumr..... Thank u so much for replying... it does feel better to talk to u all becoz u know what im going through......wen other people tell me to be strong i feel like they dont even know wht im feeling.... is it possible to b strong when u lose ur parent??? i was sooo attached to her.... we never left each others side everywhere i went i wud tk her with me.... we recently went for a holiday to malaysia n she was jst so happy.... it was her bday on christmas day , she turned 54.... i took her to a chinese restaurant coz she loved fried shrimps.... n she was so happy..... she alwez wanted to wear an Aigner watch n i was saving up to buy her one n i was gona go the same weekend she passed away..... she alwez wanted to go to the states n i had promised her tht i will get a job there so tht she can live in the states, not only visit............. today its raining here wich is kinda rare since i live in Saudi arabia n its a desert n wen it wud rain she wud immediately make hot tea n fry some cutlets n celebrate the rain............. she was so innocent n had such a pure heart but some people around her trooubled her so mch ..... she wud tk alotta stress my poor lovely mom............. i love her so so so mch n miss her so terribly...... sittting alone in the rain makes me wana run n hug her but................. iv gotten so so so lonely if only God cud bring her bak i wud sacrifice my own life jst to spend more time with her............. sorry i get too emotional !

[debbie8800]

Zeeee: Hope your doing ok, its going to take a while for you to feel better, going to medical school i know you know that. I am doing a masters in health care admin also. I have a B.A. in Sociology and Social Work and a minor in psychology but now that i am the one grieving i have trouble helping myself. lol

I wanted to see how you are doing. I am also on facebook. My facebook email is schoolmate520@yahoo.com and i should come up Your welcome to add me as a friend if you like. I have many friends from grammer school and high school on there but most live far away.

Anyway I'v been reading alot of posts and will pray for each of you and myself in the process. Today I felt lonely and missed mom alot. Cannot believe she is gone and left me in this sometimes cruel world. My studies keep me busy for the most part but when something goes wrong like it sometimes does then i just start crying while i am driving. oh boy I do not like my living arrangements and i made a mistake moving in here. The guys are not respectful. So i am searching again.

I am praying for us to be safe, have comfort and blessings in our life. Things were going well for me till i moved in here, these guys are very destructful types and I know i have to have the sense to go. I am praying i find somewhere safe and affordable to live asap.

Hope everyone has a blessed day today Sunday.

[Zeeee]

today was a hard day....... i went to my moms work place coz i had to return some papers n clear out some stuff from her office! as soon as i entered her office i saw flowers wich she had kept jst few days before she passed away.... she loved collecting tiny cute showpieces n she had tons of them all over her desk n in her cabinet..... she had a picture of me and my sister on the desk n some cute little things all around..... i checked her drawers n there ws a half bitten biscuit n some knick knacks wich she wud love to snack on during her free time.... jst seeing all this broke me down n i started crying.... she even had a pashmina shawl kept neatly on her chair as if she ws gna come bak the next day n put it on! but she never went after new years eve...... i will never b able to celebrate a single new years day again coz tht will mark her death anniversary......... jst hearing her colleagues saying "she WAS a lovely lady and she LOVED her job and she will be missed" tore me apart.... i cried alll day even when i went to university during classes..... i took her diaries whr she used to write poetry related to the song of the birds and the beautiful blue skies...... i miss her so so so mch i jst wnt her here rite now........... howwwwww is it possible il never get to see her again??????????? GOD make some miracle!!!! can tht b possible!!! im losing my mind..........................

[Kenn]

Hey Zeeeee,

Reading your tender story about clearing out some stuff from your mom's office reminded me of trying to go through my daughter's things right after she died. We were trying to get some things boxed up so they could be donated to charity. She lived with her fiance so I was there as a guest in his house. Hannah had a lot of friends and her fiance allowed some other people come help us. It was so hard for me watching them dig through her stuff. Later her fiance realized that several things that were valuable and important to him disappeared. Things like that make our grieving so much worse. I didn't want him to open up his home that way to people that he didn't know he could trust, but in his grief he just let people walk all over him. Because I came and helped him put a stop to what was going on, he and I were drawn even closer than we had been. The memory of packing her things up will always be a sad thought for me.

The hope that she is in a better place is something that really gives me comfort. I have read several posts where people talk about having their loved one come to them in a dream to let them know they are okay. I also had a dream. Early one morning right after my daughter died I was startled out of my sleep as I saw her standing at the foot of my bed. She was smiling so beautiful and said, "Hey Daddy." I can still see her and hear her her voice so clearly in my mind. That was the miracle I needed for that moment. Hannah had gone through a lot of pain, and all i was seeing was the bad memories until I had that dream. Now all I see are the good memories when I think of her, and she is always smiling. I know in my heart that she is in a better place happier than she has ever been. Knowing that she is happy gives me a lot of comfort. If I were you I would force myself to be happy for my mom on New Years day. That marks the anniversary of her graduation to a place where there is no more sadness or pain. She would want you to be happy for her. I'm big with the self talk, and I really try to turn my negative thoughts into something positive that gives me hope. I know that my daughter wouldn't want to come back because it is so beautiful where she is. I miss her so bad and wish everyday that she was here, but I'm comforted knowing that she is in a better place and she doesn't hurt anymore.

I pray that you can find comfort in believing that your mom is in a beautiful place, and you will see her again someday.

today was a hard day....... i went to my moms work place coz i had to return some papers n clear out some stuff from her office! as soon as i entered her office i saw flowers wich she had kept jst few days before she passed away.... she loved collecting tiny cute showpieces n she had tons of them all over her desk n in her cabinet..... she had a picture of me and my sister on the desk n some cute little things all around..... i checked her drawers n there ws a half bitten biscuit n some knick knacks wich she wud love to snack on during her free time.... jst seeing all this broke me down n i started crying.... she even had a pashmina shawl kept neatly on her chair as if she ws gna come bak the next day n put it on! but she never went after new years eve...... i will never b able to celebrate a single new years day again coz tht will mark her death anniversary......... jst hearing her colleagues saying "she WAS a lovely lady and she LOVED her job and she will be missed" tore me apart.... i cried alll day even when i went to university during classes..... i took her diaries whr she used to write poetry related to the song of the birds and the beautiful blue skies...... i miss her so so so mch i jst wnt her here rite now........... howwwwww is it possible il never get to see her again??????????? GOD make some miracle!!!! can tht b possible!!! im losing my mind..........................

[Zeeee]

Hi "heydaddy"

im so sorry for ur loss.... i am sure she was a wonderful girl and she changed all ur lives and brought happiness when she was alive..... but heaven needed her more than we did.... thts what i want to beleive in as well.... yes no1 knows the value of our loved ones excpt for us! i still hav kept toffees n candy wrappers of the ones she used to like..... even tiny little post its where she wrote a small note to me... they all mean so mch ....

but i felt so much better after reading ur message! its funny coz rite before i checked this msg I got a dream early morning.... i recently got my grades for my mid term exams and i had studied really hard so that i could make her proud! n i dreamt tht i was excitedly telln her about them and she was so happy she hugged me .... it was so vivid that i believed she actually did hug me :") .... yes i think i alwez cry coz im being selfish becoz i want her around me and I need her....but selflessly thinkn she is in a better place, she is with God and his angels..... they are ofcrs gona take care of her more than we all could..... today i do feel a little relaxed coz she did look happy n i guess thts a message she wants to convey to me ..... i hope all of us find peace in this world tht is a journey and meet our loved ones in heaven sooon

[Zeeee]

Today it's 8 weeks she's gone! I still can picture the moment I found her cold n her eyes were closed n she was stuff..., I am still going thru that pain but I try n stay strong for dad.... Everyone around me have seemed to move on.,. My grandma, my aunt, my moms friends, my family but I still. Can't recover..,, I still cry every night and I've started smoking like a chimney... I can't sleep until 5 am and then have to b up for uni and it's getting difficult to cope.... I wish I cud speak to her n hug her.... Every weekend in the mornings I wudnt get outta bed unless she came n laid down next to me for 15 mins n we'd decide what to do that evening.... I wud spend every weekend with her and now weekends r spent alone coz my dad works until 11 pm every night.... I'm so lonely that sometimes I feel like leaving this world where I am alone..... No one can fill this void I am lost...... Plz help me anyone..... Can't do this nemore....

[debbie8800]

Zeee sounds like your having a rough time again, it will you will have ups and downs. I am 3 months now. I miss my mother so much yesterday i was crying in my car thinking of her. I went to my old library near her house and it all came back, the death, the burial, i even saw her dead body and started crying....Be grateful you have your dad.

You have to work through this and try to stop or slow down smoking please.... I mean it...I only smoke late at night because i am so busy during the day and i have surgery on tuesday. Go to the gym, swim workout, it helps with your studies also.

Do what i did, I challenged myself never to smoke before 8:00pm and i never do. Now i am working on quitting altogether. I went to a meeting and they talked about how the tar and nicotene and 700 other chemicals harm, your lungs, your bladder and your heart among other things. You must try to quit. Set a quit date. Smoking destroys your lungs over time, you know that.

I only have about 3 cigarettes late at night before bed. I moved and no one smokes in here, i hope to god this roommate situation works out better. Your mother is looking down at you watching you, telling you to stop the smoking.

she loved you so keep that in mind and be strong...

Thinking of you

Debbie

The stress of your studies is making you smoke, go to the gym, please, stop smoking.

[AaronB]

Everyone around me have seemed to move on

Hi Zeee.

I'm new here and my mother just passed away. I feel just like you and I don't know what to do either. It seems as though I'm all alone. I don't even know how to wake up everyday. When does the pain end?

[debbie8800]

Zeee what happened on facebook? Don't worry about what mike says he talks about everybody everyday, don't let him bother you, he criticizes all races, etc. Come back to facebook, you should just block him so he does not bother you.

We were discussing not being allowed to drive, don't let him bother you.

Hope your feeling ok and don't be offended by him, everyday he talks about someone or something else.

[debbie8800]

Hi Zeee.

I'm new here and my mother just passed away. I feel just like you and I don't know what to do either. It seems as though I'm all alone. I don't even know how to wake up everyday. When does the pain end?

Aaron: It takes a while i still cry sometimes but the first 6 week were the worst. Then the part about them passing fades away a little but you still will always miss them. Please post here whenever you need to. I lost my mother 3 months ago its so very hard and sad. I was really close to my mother....

It does get easier as the weeks pass by. When things go wrong in life is when you really feel it.

Wishing you strength, peace and acceptence and eventually happiness again.

Praying for you

[AaronB]

Aaron: It takes a while i still cry sometimes but the first 6 week were the worst. Then the part about them passing fades away a little but you still will always miss them. Please post here whenever you need to. I lost my mother 3 months ago its so very hard and sad. I was really close to my mother....

It does get easier as the weeks pass by. When things go wrong in life is when you really feel it.

Wishing you strength, peace and acceptence and eventually happiness again.

Praying for you

Thanks. I'm a mess. Don't know how I'm making it through all this.

[debbie8800]

ZZZZ how you doing? I have been having a hard time this past couple of days, finally moved out of that house and into here. Where i grew up, so many memories i keep crying, saw my mom at the cemetary today, i mean i didn't see her but you know..lol

Having trouble coping.

How are you? Are you ok?

Deb

I was hestericle on facebook today, feeling better now for awhile anyway, this is so hard.....

[debbie8800]

ZZZZ how you doing? I have been having a hard time this past couple of days, finally moved out of that house and into here. Where i grew up, so many memories i keep crying, saw my mom at the cemetary today, i mean i didn't see her but you know..lol

Having trouble coping.

How are you? Are you ok?

Deb

I was hestericle on facebook today, feeling better now for awhile anyway, this is so hard.....

[Zeeee]

hi Aaron.... sorry i havent been online as i am having exams n i try my best to concentrate on my studies....last year med school is tough! wana make my parents proud of me so working hard..... u asked me when does the pain end??? well i think it will end wen we die coz nothing can ever make the sharp pain in ur heart go away..... its been 9 weeks n 3 days that moms gone but the pain is fresh ......

Debbie.... i took ur advice abt the smoking thing and now i smoke around 5-6 at night..... but jst for the past 2-3 days i again started smoking during the day as I have preparation leave from college and staying home alone drives me crazy! how r u doin? how was ur surgery? hope ur feeling better..... memories are the worst things ever i wish i cud remove part of my brain where all the memories exist.... hope u feel better now coz u need rest after the procedure!

today i went to starbucks to study in the morning coz its usually empty.... they were playing old songs in the background n i enjoy listenig to music while studying .... neway they started playing Julie London's - fly me to the moon..... it was 1 of my moms favorite songs.... and as soon as i heard it i started digging my nails on my palm so that i wouldnt cry in public but i cudnt help it n i started to weep...... the waiter came up to me and asked if i was ok ! he got me water and was so scared that i was gonna collapse coz my face had turned red! finally after 15 mins i stopped myself and had to run out of there.......... my mom would sing that song in her beautiful voice while cooking..... i missed her sooo sooo much i dono howw its possible tht shes gone..... how can it b possible she was rite there sitting next to me reading a novel on 30th dec .... i wud lie down on her lap and close my eyes n she wud ren her fingers thru my hair......... i sometimes get so angry with life that why did it have to take away the one thing i loved more than my life???!!! ive had my fair share of heartbreaks and pain and i could endure all that but this???!!! wasnt it enuf that we had enuf financially problems and family problems and etc etc??!!!! i feel so helpless ............ so lost............... so alone..............

mom i wish u were here.... i miss u so so so much....... why did u leave me alone? i need u ....