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She's Gone


BAMoots

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So a year ago today, my grandma was admitted to the hospital, and 3 days later, after seeing her get sicker and sicker for months, she was diagnosed with stage 4 ovarian cancer. They told us she had just a few months to live, maybe. But we took her to some of the best doctors in the country, and we were given more time. I was naive enough to believe that it would be forever. I was hopeful she would stay stable until a cure was found. I believed that she would be there to see me all dressed up for my senior prom, watch me get my diploma, be there at my wedding, and see my kids. She was so young and like another mom to me, because my mom was a teen when she had me. But on January 5, she went into the hospital and the doctor told her they would try whatever treatment she wanted because there was new growth. The next day, my 18th birthday, my mom asked me to postpone my party that was scheduled for a few days later until grandma was out of the hospital so she could be there. On the 8th my mom came home and told me grandma only had a few months and probably wouldnt make it to graduation. Two days later my dad was waiting for me when i arrived to work and he took me home to wait for mom to take me to the hospital an hour and half away, because now outta no where grandma only had a few days. When i got there she was barely functioning. She woke up once and didnt realize i was there. We planned to take her home on hospice the next day. When we went to leave for the hotel, i kissed her goodbye, saying "i love you. i will be back first thing in the morning. ok? she answered "ok" semi consiously...That was the last thing she ever said to said to me. The next morning she was unresponsive to anything. We waited all day for an ambulance to take her home. We talked to her, and sang to her. We said our first set of goodbyes. Finally we got the ambulance. I had to drive back all by myself, so my granddad could ride with her in the ambulance. We were afraid she wouldnt make the ride home but she did. That night my family had my birthday party, with her laying there in bed, we had a party. She made it to my birthday party. The hospice nurse said she wouldnt make it throught the night. She did. And the next day and night. Then i was already scheduled to go on a church trip getaway weekend with my youth group. My family and old pastor took a vote on what grandma would want me to do, and so i had to go. I had to say goodbye right there. I knew there was no way she would make it through the weekend. I had to tell her i loved her and she needed to go and not wait for me to come back. I read a paper to her the i had written about her being my hero and given to her for mothers day last year. Then i got up and went and got on a bus, knowing i would never see her again. and once i had gotten to camp, 30 minutes later, my mom called telling me she had passed away. And i was stuck at camp while all the planning was done. The day after i got back was the visitation. I had to shake hands with over 400 people saying the same thing "sorry for your loss" and it wasnt real to me. I had to sing at the funeral and holding it together was so hard. Then i cried for 4 hours after the whole thing was over. The last 3 weeks have been harder than i could have imagined. I hurt all the time. I dont want to be around anyone. I lay in my room, watching secret life sitcoms, blocking out anything and everything. I used to cut when i was depressed that she was sick and suffering, but i cant even get up the energy to do that, because not even that can take away this pain, like it used to. I dont know what to do. I am so lost without her. I cant stand the thought of moving on. Everyone else seems to be, but i cant. I just cant. I panic every time think of moving on. I'm afraid i will forget her.It feels like the last year was a tease, like we would have forever together and in a whole 5 days, it was all gone. Over. Done. I will never here her voice again.

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So a year ago today, my grandma was admitted to the hospital, and 3 days later, after seeing her get sicker and sicker for months, she was diagnosed with stage 4 ovarian cancer. They told us she had just a few months to live, maybe. But we took her to some of the best doctors in the country, and we were given more time. I was naive enough to believe that it would be forever. I was hopeful she would stay stable until a cure was found. I believed that she would be there to see me all dressed up for my senior prom, watch me get my diploma, be there at my wedding, and see my kids. She was so young and like another mom to me, because my mom was a teen when she had me. But on January 5, she went into the hospital and the doctor told her they would try whatever treatment she wanted because there was new growth. The next day, my 18th birthday, my mom asked me to postpone my party that was scheduled for a few days later until grandma was out of the hospital so she could be there. On the 8th my mom came home and told me grandma only had a few months and probably wouldnt make it to graduation. Two days later my dad was waiting for me when i arrived to work and he took me home to wait for mom to take me to the hospital an hour and half away, because now outta no where grandma only had a few days. When i got there she was barely functioning. She woke up once and didnt realize i was there. We planned to take her home on hospice the next day. When we went to leave for the hotel, i kissed her goodbye, saying "i love you. i will be back first thing in the morning. ok? she answered "ok" semi consiously...That was the last thing she ever said to said to me. The next morning she was unresponsive to anything. We waited all day for an ambulance to take her home. We talked to her, and sang to her. We said our first set of goodbyes. Finally we got the ambulance. I had to drive back all by myself, so my granddad could ride with her in the ambulance. We were afraid she wouldnt make the ride home but she did. That night my family had my birthday party, with her laying there in bed, we had a party. She made it to my birthday party. The hospice nurse said she wouldnt make it throught the night. She did. And the next day and night. Then i was already scheduled to go on a church trip getaway weekend with my youth group. My family and old pastor took a vote on what grandma would want me to do, and so i had to go. I had to say goodbye right there. I knew there was no way she would make it through the weekend. I had to tell her i loved her and she needed to go and not wait for me to come back. I read a paper to her the i had written about her being my hero and given to her for mothers day last year. Then i got up and went and got on a bus, knowing i would never see her again. and once i had gotten to camp, 30 minutes later, my mom called telling me she had passed away. And i was stuck at camp while all the planning was done. The day after i got back was the visitation. I had to shake hands with over 400 people saying the same thing "sorry for your loss" and it wasnt real to me. I had to sing at the funeral and holding it together was so hard. Then i cried for 4 hours after the whole thing was over. The last 3 weeks have been harder than i could have imagined. I hurt all the time. I dont want to be around anyone. I lay in my room, watching secret life sitcoms, blocking out anything and everything. I used to cut when i was depressed that she was sick and suffering, but i cant even get up the energy to do that, because not even that can take away this pain, like it used to. I dont know what to do. I am so lost without her. I cant stand the thought of moving on. Everyone else seems to be, but i cant. I just cant. I panic every time think of moving on. I'm afraid i will forget her.It feels like the last year was a tease, like we would have forever together and in a whole 5 days, it was all gone. Over. Done. I will never here her voice again.

BAMoots,

I am so sorry your loss and the experience you had of being at camp when your grandma passed. I know the pain is unbearable now, but it will ease and begin to get better. Self-harm, including cutting, is never the answer. It makes things worse for yourself and those who love you.

Please tell your parents or someone, like a school counselor or anyone, that you cut. Instead of hurting yourself physically, try something different that will really make a difference--talk about your feelings. Cry, make a facebook or website memorial, write a poem or story, anything but self harm. When you talk or express your feelings and let them out, it helps to loosen their grip on you. So please keep talking to us and anyone else you can.

We will be here for you,

ModKonnie

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So a year ago today, my grandma was admitted to the hospital, and 3 days later, after seeing her get sicker and sicker for months, she was diagnosed with stage 4 ovarian cancer. They told us she had just a few months to live, maybe. But we took her to some of the best doctors in the country, and we were given more time. I was naive enough to believe that it would be forever. I was hopeful she would stay stable until a cure was found. I believed that she would be there to see me all dressed up for my senior prom, watch me get my diploma, be there at my wedding, and see my kids. She was so young and like another mom to me, because my mom was a teen when she had me. But on January 5, she went into the hospital and the doctor told her they would try whatever treatment she wanted because there was new growth. The next day, my 18th birthday, my mom asked me to postpone my party that was scheduled for a few days later until grandma was out of the hospital so she could be there. On the 8th my mom came home and told me grandma only had a few months and probably wouldnt make it to graduation. Two days later my dad was waiting for me when i arrived to work and he took me home to wait for mom to take me to the hospital an hour and half away, because now outta no where grandma only had a few days. When i got there she was barely functioning. She woke up once and didnt realize i was there. We planned to take her home on hospice the next day. When we went to leave for the hotel, i kissed her goodbye, saying "i love you. i will be back first thing in the morning. ok? she answered "ok" semi consiously...That was the last thing she ever said to said to me. The next morning she was unresponsive to anything. We waited all day for an ambulance to take her home. We talked to her, and sang to her. We said our first set of goodbyes. Finally we got the ambulance. I had to drive back all by myself, so my granddad could ride with her in the ambulance. We were afraid she wouldnt make the ride home but she did. That night my family had my birthday party, with her laying there in bed, we had a party. She made it to my birthday party. The hospice nurse said she wouldnt make it throught the night. She did. And the next day and night. Then i was already scheduled to go on a church trip getaway weekend with my youth group. My family and old pastor took a vote on what grandma would want me to do, and so i had to go. I had to say goodbye right there. I knew there was no way she would make it through the weekend. I had to tell her i loved her and she needed to go and not wait for me to come back. I read a paper to her the i had written about her being my hero and given to her for mothers day last year. Then i got up and went and got on a bus, knowing i would never see her again. and once i had gotten to camp, 30 minutes later, my mom called telling me she had passed away. And i was stuck at camp while all the planning was done. The day after i got back was the visitation. I had to shake hands with over 400 people saying the same thing "sorry for your loss" and it wasnt real to me. I had to sing at the funeral and holding it together was so hard. Then i cried for 4 hours after the whole thing was over. The last 3 weeks have been harder than i could have imagined. I hurt all the time. I dont want to be around anyone. I lay in my room, watching secret life sitcoms, blocking out anything and everything. I used to cut when i was depressed that she was sick and suffering, but i cant even get up the energy to do that, because not even that can take away this pain, like it used to. I dont know what to do. I am so lost without her. I cant stand the thought of moving on. Everyone else seems to be, but i cant. I just cant. I panic every time think of moving on. I'm afraid i will forget her.It feels like the last year was a tease, like we would have forever together and in a whole 5 days, it was all gone. Over. Done. I will never here her voice again.

BAMoots,

I am so sorry your loss and the experience you had of being at camp when your grandma passed. I know the pain is unbearable now, but it will ease and begin to get better. Self-harm, including cutting, is never the answer. It makes things worse for yourself and those who love you.

Please tell your parents or someone, like a school counselor or anyone, that you cut. Instead of hurting yourself physically, try something different that will really make a difference--talk about your feelings. Cry, make a facebook or website memorial, write a poem or story, anything but self harm. When you talk or express your feelings and let them out, it helps to loosen their grip on you. So please keep talking to us and anyone else you can.

We will be here for you,

ModKonnie

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So a year ago today, my grandma was admitted to the hospital, and 3 days later, after seeing her get sicker and sicker for months, she was diagnosed with stage 4 ovarian cancer. They told us she had just a few months to live, maybe. But we took her to some of the best doctors in the country, and we were given more time. I was naive enough to believe that it would be forever. I was hopeful she would stay stable until a cure was found. I believed that she would be there to see me all dressed up for my senior prom, watch me get my diploma, be there at my wedding, and see my kids. She was so young and like another mom to me, because my mom was a teen when she had me. But on January 5, she went into the hospital and the doctor told her they would try whatever treatment she wanted because there was new growth. The next day, my 18th birthday, my mom asked me to postpone my party that was scheduled for a few days later until grandma was out of the hospital so she could be there. On the 8th my mom came home and told me grandma only had a few months and probably wouldnt make it to graduation. Two days later my dad was waiting for me when i arrived to work and he took me home to wait for mom to take me to the hospital an hour and half away, because now outta no where grandma only had a few days. When i got there she was barely functioning. She woke up once and didnt realize i was there. We planned to take her home on hospice the next day. When we went to leave for the hotel, i kissed her goodbye, saying "i love you. i will be back first thing in the morning. ok? she answered "ok" semi consiously...That was the last thing she ever said to said to me. The next morning she was unresponsive to anything. We waited all day for an ambulance to take her home. We talked to her, and sang to her. We said our first set of goodbyes. Finally we got the ambulance. I had to drive back all by myself, so my granddad could ride with her in the ambulance. We were afraid she wouldnt make the ride home but she did. That night my family had my birthday party, with her laying there in bed, we had a party. She made it to my birthday party. The hospice nurse said she wouldnt make it throught the night. She did. And the next day and night. Then i was already scheduled to go on a church trip getaway weekend with my youth group. My family and old pastor took a vote on what grandma would want me to do, and so i had to go. I had to say goodbye right there. I knew there was no way she would make it through the weekend. I had to tell her i loved her and she needed to go and not wait for me to come back. I read a paper to her the i had written about her being my hero and given to her for mothers day last year. Then i got up and went and got on a bus, knowing i would never see her again. and once i had gotten to camp, 30 minutes later, my mom called telling me she had passed away. And i was stuck at camp while all the planning was done. The day after i got back was the visitation. I had to shake hands with over 400 people saying the same thing "sorry for your loss" and it wasnt real to me. I had to sing at the funeral and holding it together was so hard. Then i cried for 4 hours after the whole thing was over. The last 3 weeks have been harder than i could have imagined. I hurt all the time. I dont want to be around anyone. I lay in my room, watching secret life sitcoms, blocking out anything and everything. I used to cut when i was depressed that she was sick and suffering, but i cant even get up the energy to do that, because not even that can take away this pain, like it used to. I dont know what to do. I am so lost without her. I cant stand the thought of moving on. Everyone else seems to be, but i cant. I just cant. I panic every time think of moving on. I'm afraid i will forget her.It feels like the last year was a tease, like we would have forever together and in a whole 5 days, it was all gone. Over. Done. I will never here her voice again.

BAMoots,

I am so sorry your loss and the experience you had of being at camp when your grandma passed. I know the pain is unbearable now, but it will ease and begin to get better. Self-harm, including cutting, is never the answer. It makes things worse for yourself and those who love you.

Please tell your parents or someone, like a school counselor or anyone, that you cut. Instead of hurting yourself physically, try something different that will really make a difference--talk about your feelings. Cry, make a facebook or website memorial, write a poem or story, anything but self harm. When you talk or express your feelings and let them out, it helps to loosen their grip on you. So please keep talking to us and anyone else you can.

We will be here for you,

ModKonnie

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BAMoots,

Please accept my deepest condolences to you. Losing your grandma, who was like your mom, to cancer I'm sure was devastating. I have lost an uncle, who I saw pass at his home, to cancer too. My husbands grandpa also passed away to cancer recently, well, I say recently but it was over 3 years ago. Death is never easy it is the most unbearable loss a human can suffer, and almost nothing anyone says can soften the intense sadness that you are feeling. Remember though, that not everyone grieves in the same way so what works for some may not necessarily work for you. Be assured that you are not alone in your grief.

Its good to try, as ModKonnie said, writing which often helps many. Recall happy memories of the times you shared with your grandma, perhaps by looking at photos. At first, that will be painful but in time these memories will help you to heal rather than cause you to hurt. Keeping a journal will allow you to write about these pleasant memories and even include things that you wish you could have shared with your grandma, like all the things that you have ahead of you. This will provide a healthful outlet to your emotions.

I don't know if you are a Bible reader, but what has helped me is to rely on "the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation" (2 Corinthians 1:3, 4) Prayer is not an emotional crutch, it is a real and vital communication with God, by expressing our deepest thoughts and feelings and learning to 'listen' to Him by reading the Bible in turn. We are given an amazing hope to see our loved ones again. Jesus showed it by resurrecting his friend Lazarus and 8 other people just to give us a glimpse of his power over death and to show us what we should expect in the future.

Challenging as it may be BAMoots, working through your grief will help you to move on with your life. Do not feel guilty, as if by moving on you would be betraying your grandma or forgetting her. The fact is that you will NEVER forget her. Occasionally, memories will come flooding back, but gradually (and I mean gradually) the distressing symptoms will ease. Mourn and grieve as you must, but don't forget that you still have a whole life ahead of you. Hope to hear from you soon.

Warm hugs,

Ada

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First of all thank you for taking to time to write this, it means a lot. As for the grieving, things are getting better. Life is harder some days more than others, but im keeping myself busy and working through this rough spot. I am a christiaan and that verse has helped so thank you. The hardest thing is realizing she wont be at my graduation. It ws so important to her to see me graduate, its all she talked about for the last year. and now she wont get to. I guess i just hoped. I have found writing helps, especially on here, as well as a journal i share with my speech teacher.

thanks for you thoughts, and hugs,

B.

BAMoots,

Please accept my deepest condolences to you. Losing your grandma, who was like your mom, to cancer I'm sure was devastating. I have lost an uncle, who I saw pass at his home, to cancer too. My husbands grandpa also passed away to cancer recently, well, I say recently but it was over 3 years ago. Death is never easy it is the most unbearable loss a human can suffer, and almost nothing anyone says can soften the intense sadness that you are feeling. Remember though, that not everyone grieves in the same way so what works for some may not necessarily work for you. Be assured that you are not alone in your grief.

Its good to try, as ModKonnie said, writing which often helps many. Recall happy memories of the times you shared with your grandma, perhaps by looking at photos. At first, that will be painful but in time these memories will help you to heal rather than cause you to hurt. Keeping a journal will allow you to write about these pleasant memories and even include things that you wish you could have shared with your grandma, like all the things that you have ahead of you. This will provide a healthful outlet to your emotions.

I don't know if you are a Bible reader, but what has helped me is to rely on "the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation" (2 Corinthians 1:3, 4) Prayer is not an emotional crutch, it is a real and vital communication with God, by expressing our deepest thoughts and feelings and learning to 'listen' to Him by reading the Bible in turn. We are given an amazing hope to see our loved ones again. Jesus showed it by resurrecting his friend Lazarus and 8 other people just to give us a glimpse of his power over death and to show us what we should expect in the future.

Challenging as it may be BAMoots, working through your grief will help you to move on with your life. Do not feel guilty, as if by moving on you would be betraying your grandma or forgetting her. The fact is that you will NEVER forget her. Occasionally, memories will come flooding back, but gradually (and I mean gradually) the distressing symptoms will ease. Mourn and grieve as you must, but don't forget that you still have a whole life ahead of you. Hope to hear from you soon.

Warm hugs,

Ada

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First of all thank you for taking to time to write this, it means a lot. As for the grieving, things are getting better. Life is harder some days more than others, but im keeping myself busy and working through this rough spot. I am a christiaan and that verse has helped so thank you. The hardest thing is realizing she wont be at my graduation. It ws so important to her to see me graduate, its all she talked about for the last year. and now she wont get to. I guess i just hoped. I have found writing helps, especially on here, as well as a journal i share with my speech teacher.

thanks for you thoughts, and hugs,

B.

BAMoots,

Please accept my deepest condolences to you. Losing your grandma, who was like your mom, to cancer I'm sure was devastating. I have lost an uncle, who I saw pass at his home, to cancer too. My husbands grandpa also passed away to cancer recently, well, I say recently but it was over 3 years ago. Death is never easy it is the most unbearable loss a human can suffer, and almost nothing anyone says can soften the intense sadness that you are feeling. Remember though, that not everyone grieves in the same way so what works for some may not necessarily work for you. Be assured that you are not alone in your grief.

Its good to try, as ModKonnie said, writing which often helps many. Recall happy memories of the times you shared with your grandma, perhaps by looking at photos. At first, that will be painful but in time these memories will help you to heal rather than cause you to hurt. Keeping a journal will allow you to write about these pleasant memories and even include things that you wish you could have shared with your grandma, like all the things that you have ahead of you. This will provide a healthful outlet to your emotions.

I don't know if you are a Bible reader, but what has helped me is to rely on "the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation" (2 Corinthians 1:3, 4) Prayer is not an emotional crutch, it is a real and vital communication with God, by expressing our deepest thoughts and feelings and learning to 'listen' to Him by reading the Bible in turn. We are given an amazing hope to see our loved ones again. Jesus showed it by resurrecting his friend Lazarus and 8 other people just to give us a glimpse of his power over death and to show us what we should expect in the future.

Challenging as it may be BAMoots, working through your grief will help you to move on with your life. Do not feel guilty, as if by moving on you would be betraying your grandma or forgetting her. The fact is that you will NEVER forget her. Occasionally, memories will come flooding back, but gradually (and I mean gradually) the distressing symptoms will ease. Mourn and grieve as you must, but don't forget that you still have a whole life ahead of you. Hope to hear from you soon.

Warm hugs,

Ada

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Dear ModKonnie

Thank you for your kind note. I am glad to tell you that i havent cut since she passed. Although it is something i have struggled with for a few years, i decided i would not forgive myself if i didnt feel this pain of loss. I also told my bestfriend about it so she could keep me accountable. I have done a lot of writing (on here and in a journal to my speech teacher) and kept myself busy with work and school and extra cirriculars, just trying to be normal, and its helping.

Thanks

B.

BAMoots,

I am so sorry your loss and the experience you had of being at camp when your grandma passed. I know the pain is unbearable now, but it will ease and begin to get better. Self-harm, including cutting, is never the answer. It makes things worse for yourself and those who love you.

Please tell your parents or someone, like a school counselor or anyone, that you cut. Instead of hurting yourself physically, try something different that will really make a difference--talk about your feelings. Cry, make a facebook or website memorial, write a poem or story, anything but self harm. When you talk or express your feelings and let them out, it helps to loosen their grip on you. So please keep talking to us and anyone else you can.

We will be here for you,

ModKonnie

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