The Bucket List

[onedaysoon]

I have been trying to write this all night. I feel like I am not getting anywhere with it, or it is too long, or it's out of order and not easy to understand. So, I am going to try to make it short and simple instead. Two and a half years ago, I lost my best friend to ovarian cancer. While I think that I have dealt with it (because for awhile, I'm fine) it turns out that I don't heal with it at all ... I just hide my feelings and grief until it overwhelms me and I have a mini breakdown of sorts. I'm pretty sure that I just keep myself busy enough 95% of the time to keep all the grief and depression at bay. So I get comfortable and think that everything is ok. Then I go and do something that makes it all come flooding back. This time, it was a movie ... The Bucket List.

My story is a long one ... I have over 10 years of things I want to fit into a tiny post, to get off my chest. All of the things we planned on doing, all the ways she helped me with through the years. I just don't know how to get it all out so I can move on. Therapy only helps a little. I was in that for about a year when I finally stopped going. Guess it doesn't help that I am not really one to talk a lot about my problems/issues either.

[ModKonnie]

I have been trying to write this all night. I feel like I am not getting anywhere with it, or it is too long, or it's out of order and not easy to understand. So, I am going to try to make it short and simple instead. Two and a half years ago, I lost my best friend to ovarian cancer. While I think that I have dealt with it (because for awhile, I'm fine) it turns out that I don't heal with it at all ... I just hide my feelings and grief until it overwhelms me and I have a mini breakdown of sorts. I'm pretty sure that I just keep myself busy enough 95% of the time to keep all the grief and depression at bay. So I get comfortable and think that everything is ok. Then I go and do something that makes it all come flooding back. This time, it was a movie ... The Bucket List.

My story is a long one ... I have over 10 years of things I want to fit into a tiny post, to get off my chest. All of the things we planned on doing, all the ways she helped me with through the years. I just don't know how to get it all out so I can move on. Therapy only helps a little. I was in that for about a year when I finally stopped going. Guess it doesn't help that I am not really one to talk a lot about my problems/issues either.

Onedaysoon,

I am sorry about the loss of your best friend. Instead of trying to get over 10 years of things out all at once, why don't you start with one thing on your list each post--write your heart out each time. You may not be able to talk openly about your feelings, issues, etc., but maybe you can write about them.

And if you don't want to post them here, then try keeping a journal. So what about the Bucket List made all your feelings come flooding back?

ModKonnie

[onedaysoon]

I guess that it had to do with the funeral, the eulogy. I couldn't even stand up and say a few words about my friend. Maybe it's the guilt that keeps eating away at me. Maybe I could have been there more for her. I feel like I failed her when she needed me the most.

I was busy and exhausted. I was going to school taking 5 classes a semester, working 20-25 hours per week and taking care of my 4 kids. It happened during the break and I was working 40 hours a week, helping to get the new campus up and running plus there was a boot camp I was in that ran 2 nights a week for 4 hours each. She knew. She knew all I was doing and wasn't mad that I wasn't around as much. She knew I had to do it to give me and my kids a better life.

She never bothered letting me know she was in the hospital when I called to check on her. She didn't want me to worry. She knew I had enough to deal with. Then, August 27, 2009, at 7:13pm, I got a phone call from her mom who lived in New Jersey (her house was 2 doors down from mine) that Pam was in the hospital and she wasn't coming back out. The doctors hadn't expected her to last this long. Her mon said she was still fighting, still hanging on for some reason. She knew I was the reason.

I went the following morning. The person laying in the hospital bed, although I knew it was her, didn't look like my Pam. My Pam was small, 95 lbs small. This person was 145 lbs easily. Her kidneys were failing and she was retaining a great deal of water.

Out of the 3 1/2 hours I sat by her side, the first words I heard from her were I love you. I just kept talking about school and the kids. Telling her I was sorry I hadn't been there for her. The last words I heard were its ok. I love you.

Very early Saturday morning, at 3:46am she passed away. I knew. I had woken up and knew I wouldn't be visiting my friend that day.