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doubt - where does it come from???


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i don't want to be part of "that" family that remains.. they all were so jealous of me when i would return home which was 800 miles.. i made that trip almost 15 times in the last 16 months.. and one time i stayed for 4.5 months.. how could my siblings be so ugly to me.... all i did was love mom with all my heart. it makes me wonder.. maybe i didn't know mom like i thought..

maybe i wasn't as close to her as i thought.. maybe i wasn't really her favorite... but all along.. i really thought so..

so how could these people take her things as they are.. and just giving them away.. without any regard to my feelings....???? my sister.. "excutor" started giving things away before 24 hours even passed... i accepted it.. but didn't find any comfort in it.... i know everyone has to deal with their grief their own way... it's not that i want things.. but to have any of her things gives me some comfort of her being around me... but everything is just given away.... and being 800 miles away.. nothing i can do about it.. don't get me wrong i have things from mom while she was living... but now that she has passed... really nothing... well i have one thing a scooter.. which mom really didn't use... only got it because my mother in law needs it... and everyone else got a big ticket item.. but the little things.. like a silly little plastic sugar bowl.. a coffee scoop...... family heirlooms....  i am not considered.... so i have to wonder.. why didn't mom do things differently???? is it because i didn't really see things the way they were??

i thought... think...  

i was most like mom.. i gave mom probably the most.. we were so similar.... in humor.. in talent.. in ideas... in likes....

OR WERE WE?? i didn't think anyone could take those things away.. now i am not so sure..

someone out there... is this to be expected?? help me understand how to hold on to what i always believed was real.... please

 i miss her so much. so many things i wish i would of talked about.... now all i have are my memories.  where does the doubt come from??? is it normal???

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Dear Irishlmg60, I think doubt on any level is a normal part of loss and grief for a time.  But your circumstances certainly dictate a more complicated grieving process.  Your mother is not here to defend herself, and if she were she might not even care about "the things", but would be more grieved at how her other children are behaving in the wake of her passing--especially towards you.  I believe because you are the one who is hurting most, the bond between you and your mother was deepest.  You said it yourself, they are jealous.  If there was nothing to be jealous about, they wouldn't be so hateful and dimissing toward you.  How can you doubt how special you were to your mother when they clearly know it?.

Take comfort in that as you said, YOU are most like your mom.  I think that's a very special gift she passed on to you.  She knew it.  You know it.  And NO ONE can take that away from you. 

I'm so sorry for your loss.  HUGS, Claudia

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Irish lady i am going thru the same thing with my so called aunts and a half sister

you would have had to read a post i left about what they are now trying to do to me.. i will have to look for it real quick and copy and paste it here as it is very long and detailed -- hugs

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Irish lady you had a post somewhere, where you talked about office workers who didnt even send a card etc thats where i posted about my situation with the others you are not alone ...

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Dear Members,

We are excited to mention that we are moving to a more new and improved message boards on MONDAY MORNING AUGUST 9th! The boards will be done for a few hours while we are making the conversation. Remember we posted information about this move a month ago. For some of you this might seem a bit sudden,  but when we were reviewing the site we determined the current message board you are using is out of date and the company that designed it is no longer in existence. The good news is this new message board will have new features that have been requested in the past like more fields we can add to your profiles and a chat room up to 20 people at one time. If we find the chat room is bursting at the seams we will add additional room for extra people. All your old posts, private messages and such will be migrated to the new message board. You might have to put up your profile picture again but not sure. The new company will be doing the migration for us. Here is a short list of some of the new features on the board:

- Custom Profile Fields

- Users can customize their profile pages by selecting a background color or background image, with tiling options.

- Facebook and Twitter Integration

- users can respond to multiple posts at once with "mini-quote"

- Pinned discussion threads - like welcome to our board etc.

- Announcements made across some boards or the entire message board

- Search: Users can easily find all content generated by a particular member, by clicking the 'Find Content' button that appears on the main profile page, or in the Mini Profile Popup which can be accessed throughout the board. The results page allows content to be filtered by application, as well whether the member created it or merely participated in it.

- Privacy: allows users to sign in anonymously, hiding them from the online users list. Users also have the option to disable personal conversations and user-to-user emails, as well as ignore other users if necessary.

The next exciting piece of news about the new message board is it will have a new domain name of www.grieving.com for search engine optimization purposes. It will still be apart of Beyond Indigo and can be found through www.beyondindigo.com. We will be redirecting your current URL's to this new domain name but we might miss a few. If that is the case simply go back to www.grieving.com or www.beyondindigo.com to find your message board thread. We will try to make the transition as seamless as possible.

The bottom line is the new board will give us room to grow our community and more options to interact better with each other.

If you have any questions please direct them to feedback@beyondindigo.com.

Kelly Baltzell, MA


Beyond Indigo Family

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Dear IrishImg60: I am so sorry to hear about your mom's passing and that your sister, the Executrix, couldn't wait for you to be there to start the disposition of your mom's estate. If your mom left a will, your sister was obligated to read the will to all of the heirs before any distribution of your mom's property. If she did have a will, most wills provide an equal distribution of personal property of the deceased. I would suggest you check to see if this is true.

It is nice to have a personal item from our loved ones in addition to our memories of our lives together. All the feelings and self doubts about your mom and your relationship is normal. My siblings and I all went through that when my mom passed away. Not when my dad died - we were never close to him, just mom. Your siblings and you will grieve differently from each other and they will do and say things that will up set you, whether they meant to or not. Grief is not pretty -- it either makes families get closer or drives them farther apart.

I have the opposite problem with my mom's personal items. I have 6 surviving sibling, my youngest sister committed suicide in 2001, and none of them want to have my parents' personal property removed from their house or even to sell the house. They want to keep it like a shrine to my parents and, in particular, to my mom. I have noticed that a few things have disappeared here and there, but 90% of the stuff is still there. I only want a couple of things - an old punch bowl and a plate I bought for my parents when I visited St. Peter's in Rome. My siblings all argue who was my mom's favorite and the truth is - my oldest sister. It is hard to understand, but that is how she was raised - her mom and her grandmom - all had their favorites. It is a stupid and silly harmful thing that some parents do and I am sorry that you are suffering from this. I stopped that tradition with my kids - I love them the same and they are both my favorites.

My husband passed away in May 2011 after 4 years of battling pancreatic cancer. I had to quit my job and take care of him for 2 1/2 years until his death. I have been looking for a job since then and have found only temporary jobs. Although he had health insurance, the 4 years of medical costs ruined us financially -- it was not enough to cover all the costs. We were the typical American working family - living in a 1950s house and raised our kids. Now, my kids and I are losing our home and are facing the daunting task of selling our belongings. After 32 years together, we had collected a bunch of stuff that now is a big giant burden. Sometimes I feel like burning it all or calling Salvation Army or The VETS to come get it. My kids don't want to give any of it away or sell it, but we don't have any money to keep any of it or to even store it. I am so paralyzed with fear. I try to keep focus on God and what his will is for me. He is the controller of all things and this is out of our hands. I have prayed for his intercession, for employment, to win the lotto, any kind of help and it hasn't happened. I try not to question any of this, but I am still grieving and mourning my husband's death and my mom's.

I try not to get discouraged, but I am so, so tired of all of it. After working so hard all these years, just to see it all disappear.

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