Learning from experiences...what has helped or hurt?

[DancesWithWolves]

I am a type-A personality and a fixer.  This overwhelming lack of control over my emotions and feeling of never-ceasing emptiness have been difficult to accept.  I keep looking for answers to how to adjust, move forward, not hurt, remember safely, and feel like myself again.  I know that each of our grief journeys are different, but I wondered if you could share things that helped you or even things that you tried and would not recommend.  It has been 46 days for me, but this is what I can share...

• I am giving myself grace when it comes to the unpredictable moments of sorrow that stop me from functioning. Being kind and forgiving towards myself has been essential.
• I started a journal to Ray a few days ago. The roof on my home was finally finished and he helped me start the project. I needed a way to tell him. Since then, I share the little things and anything else that I might have said on a call or in a conversation. Somehow, putting words down to him in such a personal and permanent way made him seem present. 
• Socialization has been a hit or miss and best if I limit events to one per day. My family provides a safe space, but meeting new people is hard. I've gone to lunches and quick meetings with my friends with some success. The hardest visits are with his friends, because their grief is so different from mine and they seem to want to make me feel their pain too (almost like a contest). I am still learning what is safe for me socially and get through the obligations I can't control (work, etc.) the best I can.
• I choose food carefully and take supplements to make sure I get the nutrients I need.  I don't want food anymore, so what I do eat matters.  It is so hard to push myself to function right now and I don't think I would be able to if I was physically sick too.
• Sunshine is good. Rain makes me cry (we listened to thunderstorms every night to fall asleep). And I haven't been able to make a fire again since he left.
• Quotes and quick reads have been helpful in defining what I am feeling and also motivational at times.  I also ordered some of the books that Kay mentioned in a different post and will update you after I read them.  
• Alcohol doesn't help me numb the pain, it seems to magnify it and I become a blubbering mess.  
• This site.  I don't stop by every day, but it is an incredible resource when I am struggling the most.

That is all I can think of right now.  I hope you will share some of the lessons you have learned, even if they only apply to you.  There isn't an easy fix for any of us, but I think there is a lot of wisdom we can share from our experiences and it would be nice to have highlights as reminders when we need them.

 

[widower2]

As some of you may know, I created this simple little site with this very thing in mind, meaning things I wish someone had told me at the time. Regarding the question at hand, check this page about half-way down ("A Few Suggested First Steps"): https://bill5454.wixsite.com/griefhelp/grieving  Some of it you have already covered and probably Kay's list hits the rest, but FWIW. 

If anyone tries counseling, I would suggest trying to find someone who specializes in grief counseling vs a general counselor/therapist/psychologist. They might not be easy to find and it's not a "must," but I think advisable if you can.

[movingon]

Speaking of music, today was the first day I listened to my playlist on my phone. I am just shy of 3 months since he passed, still can't watch TV, wasn't able to listen to music...but today walking the dogs I simply couldn't stand the chatter in my head anymore so I thought I would try listening to songs and have the lyrics fill my mind to push out all the other endless miserable thoughts. I assumed I might be skipping over certain songs because of the lyrics or the memories, but amazingly, I made it through an hour and a half and cried at only one song. The amazing thing is, it was a good cry, and it was not a breakdown. It finally felt good to cry.