Birthday

[Rage]

As your birthday nears, I'm experiencing the intense depression, regret and anger that I thought I might have been done with (at least for a few weeks, anyway). The way you left so unexpectedly leaves no chance for the closure that I desperately need. I will never get to work on all those things that I needed to work through with you. I find myself feeling angry when I think about what a terrible parent you were for most of my life. Your smoking cigarettes in the house, the drugs, the alcohol, the lack of emotional support, the emotional abuse, the lack of guidance and the feeling that you created that we were never enough to make you happy infuriates me. Then there was the good side, the moments where I knew you loved us, the silliness, the misadventures and the shoulder to cry on. Two different people locked into one being. Ultimately, the childish addict won. The emotional issues that were never addressed won. The desire to always be a teenager won. We watched you physically and emotionally deteriorate, but we never knew how bad it was. You never let us in because you were in denial about how you got to be so drained. Instead, it was life's fault; it was everyone's fault but your own. I get that it's important to live your dreams as much as possible, but when things don't work the way you want them to, you can't destroy yourself. It wasn't fair to the other people in your life. All this aside, what I really want is to hug you again, and to tell you that I forgive you.

[debbie8800]

wow sounds like your the parent here. I am sorry for your loss and that your mom appears not to have given you the direction and support you all needed. I guess she did what she knew how to do.

I will pray that over time you can move past this. Its hard for everyone and i guess you expected more from her. May the lord guide you in your future endeavors and bring you peace.