missing mom

[debbie8800]

Today while in my new place with strangers mind you, i broke down in tears and realized what my son has said is true. Had i not brought mom back to NJ when i did, this whole nursing home thing would not have happened and mom could have been here, so I have pain over this, but we could all say if this or if that. I thought i was doing what was best and it backfired. This particular nursing home was ruthless and only cared about money, had I known that naturally Ii would not have put her in there.

So i was eating breakfast this morning looking out at the woods in back and started crying thinking how hard this is. Everything I do i think of her all the little reminders, she was such a warm pleasant individual and i miss that so much. Oh dear must get on with my day, I want her pictures all around me. I do also know that mom could have done things differently as well. Back when she was healthy I was in florida then calif, but she was determined to stay here in jersey, finally when i did take her to calif she was not well, but she still smiled and went in her wheelchair. I was the apple of her eye and she would still try to soothe me and i loved feeding her 4 times a day and giving her her vitamins. Putting her in her wheelchair and watching her enjoy our trip.

Now nothing just emptiness. I am in a big lonely house with strangers who barely say anything. My new roommates: One works and is quiet, the other one who knows. I can't rest, I want justice done to that guardian guy who allowed the nursing home not to feed her at the end. He should be locked up and he was wrong in what he did but he only sees things his way. I can't seem to forget this it will take years. I am the only daughter and I was overwhelmed sometimes but i took care of her and the nursing home allowed her to die refusing to get her help that could have saved her. So for this i cannot rest. She had a few more years in her. A few more years I could have had a mother.

Is there any peace?

[tmeredith]

Debbie, I am so sorry you are feeling the emptiness the loss of your mom has left. I can tell by what you have shared that you loved your mom very much and did everything you could for her. You did your best it is quite unfortunate that others did not. I too hope they are held accountable. Justice sometimes seems elusive but at the very least I hope they are haunted by what they did and that has an impact on them and how they behave in the future.

I know that empty feeling you talk about well. This may sound strange but in the end my mom along with a few other things was what ended up filling that space, After about a year I began to talk with her in my head and began to see signs from her all around. I don't think I am crazy (I suppose most crazy people don't :-) ) or desperately trying to see what is not there. I actually believe that while she may have physically left this world she is still trying to communicate with me from the world beyond my sight (I am Christian so for me that would be heaven). I believe that she has been trying to communicate all along but I was too lost in my shock and grief to see the signs or be open to her messages. I believe that love can transcend death. I hope in the future you will be able to sense the presence of your sweet mom and see some signs from her reaching out to you.

Take care ~Terra