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I don't think I will ever feel better


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I lost my whole world when my son died a year and a half ago. He was only 8, and this month he would have turned 10. I miss my Jakie sooo much. Sometimes, I feel like i'm still in shock. I'm dazed, and life is a surreal blur of events and feelings. When I'm at work, I function and do pretty well, but when I come home... to the home I built for the children and to have our family in, is where my dear one died, I just start to sink emotionally and shut down. I've been through a year of counseling and medications. I had improved a bunch until 3 months ago when my sweet mother died and it through me for a loop.

I just feel so hurt and torn apart inside. I cry a lot at home and just loose my desire for anything. I don't have energy. Oddly enough, at work, I'm pretty okay. It's just like I'm a shell at home. I have other kids who are off in college and on their own and one who is a junior in high school. All of our kids are great.

I'm married to a wonderful woman, who is mormon. This is a problem because they teach her and my kids that when we die, since I'm not mormon, that I'll be kicked out of the family and my wife will be given to another man. My wife doesn't agree with their views on that, but that is what they teach bottom line. So to have the family involved in that is scary for me. I feel jerked around and what if they are right? What if I've lost my family forever? I just don't know. I just can't even think about such things, but they still pop up in my heart. I just love my family and my little boy soooo much. I miss him. He was a great joy in my life. Really, a center of joy and fun. I was watching tv in our bedroom with my wife and he fell off his bunkbed and choked in a bathrobe belt he was playing with. We never heard a thing. He was supposed to just change his church clothes and jump on the trampoline. Sundays come and go and I hate them now. I just hate them. My catholic priest was very nice and talked to me and said that my son is under no condemnation from god for not being catholic and god will have us together. It was very nice. A comfort. Still, I find myself still in just as much shock and horror, and i just can't seem to feel better when I'm home, here in this house, where he died. I wouldn't dream of moving my son from his home or high school at this delicate age of life. Especially since he found his younger brother. He's been though enough.

Sometimes, I wish my life were over so I could be with my son. Still, I have my wife and children here to care for and years to work until I retire. I care for my 97 year old father financially. So I have responsibilities to fill. I just hurt so much. I guess I don't know what else to say. I spend my career helping others, but I'm such a mess inside, I just am not getting better.Sometimes I feel like i'll go crazy with all the pain, guilt, and anguish and sense of loss. Othertimes, I imagine my mom and it's very comforting. She would tell me its alright and that I'll be okay and that Jake is okay. She'd smile her wonderful gracious smile at me, the one that makes me laugh, and somehow I feel better. I just wish that would be longer and more often.

My friends are so good to me and kind. It's a huge comfort. It's amazing that a child so small and full of fun can capture a grown dad's heart so fully and completely that I'd miss him oh so much! Yes, I do. I really do love you Jacob. My darling, wonderful Joy. My sweetest one. Somehow mommy and I will get through all this... and see you again. please please be there for me too. Love, Daddy

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First, I am so sorry for the loss of your 8 year old Jake. And yes, you will feel better. I am 3.5 years into this grief. We lost our 16 year old son, Brian because he decided to climb on the hood of a car. His "Friend" decided to drive 68 mph with Brian on the hood. The "Friend" lost control and Brian hit the ground and was dead within minutes. The scene is 1/4 mile from our home. The "Friend" is now a convicted felon for homicide.

The guilt I felt was horrible. I tortured myself for 3 years until a very wise man on this site told me, "Colleen - you will beat your head against the wall until you just cannot do it anymore." And that is what happened. I analyzed, relived, and thought about all the things I could of, should of done to save my son. I came back to the same conclusion over and over again. I am a good Mom and I would have given my life to save my son. So would you. You are a good Dad or you would not hurt as much as you do.

As for your wife and the Mormon faith. I lived in Utah for almost 7 years. I took 5 of the 7 classes to understand the Mormon faith. Not to become one, just to understand. When I came to the part where men can become gods, I stopped. There is only one God. I also new the fact the when a Mormon marries a non-mormon, their family is split and she is given to another man. The new testiment disputes all this and the new testiment is the word of God.

There is a special place in heaven for parents who have lost children. You will see your son again, as will I. You will be with your wife in heaven - as I will be with my husband.

There are many of us who post on the Loss of an Adult Child thread. Even though Brian was not an adult, I am accepted without question and you will too.

Here we say their names loud and clear - JAKE, JAKE, JAKE

Take care my friend. Hope to see you on the Loss of an Adult Child thread.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

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Jakesdad - I am so sorry for the loss of your precious son! This journey is full of twists and turns, bumps and sink holes, that seemingly knock us off course - again and again....all we can do is get back up, and keep putting one foot in front of the other. Baby steps.

I want to address your wife's religion, if I may. Please know I mean no disrespect, but they're not right. And, if they are, someone will baptize you by proxy after you die, do your temple work and you will be with them. I, on the other hand, am screwed if they're right. LOL I always tell people I've got all my bases covered, just in case (I believe it all) but if Joseph Smith shows up on the right hand of Jesus - IF Jesus shows up, I'm doomed to outer darkness for eternity. I was raised in the LDS faith and married in the temple...Molly Mormon Mother...that was me. I had a profound spiritual experience while reading the bible one day and left the Mormon church and became one of those Jesus savin', bible thumpin' Christians.........the kind I have little tolerance for today. Although I don't agree with the LDS doctrine I have deep respect for their people. I better have, my whole family is still Mormon. I completely understand your worries about what they're teaching your wife and, personally, I would be a bit frustrated with them, but you have more important things to worry about right now, my new friend.

Grief is a power unto itself and demands our respect. My 28 yr old daughter, Stephanie, was killed in an ATV accident on 8-9-09. My husband and I adopted and are raising her three young children. It's only been 28 months for me, so I don't have a lot of experience to share, but what I've noticed is certain things can trigger that intense pain without notice. One of Stephanie's friends was recently killed in a car accident. Her death sent me right over the edge. You lost someone as close to you as your mother, of course, you're going to sink some. Don't be afraid of your grief. Don't be discouraged by it. Grief is just that - grief. You will get through it, and you don't have to get through it alone.

One of the things I like about the Mormons is they do believe people who have passed can visit us again. Born again Christians don't. I've had too many experiences to believe they leave us to struggle alone. It is my opinion that sometimes, when the pain is so great, it is actually because they are near but instead of feeling presence, we feel their loss. Please join us on the loss of an adult child site (on this same forum). It is a more active thread and you will be greeted by some with more experience. I encourage you to tell us about Jake. Maybe post a picture? Talk, talk, talk............And, try not to allow your wife's religion to be a hindrance or addition to your burden right now. They mean well. Religion vs your creator - there is a difference.

Much love and light!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

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