The Blame Game and why he cant move on?

[pollyanne]

Hi,

My boyfriend lost one of his close friends about two years ago and hasn't wanted to talk about it really through our relationship. He gets upset every year on the day off the death and around it which im guessing is common.

What makes me want to help him the most is because since his friend died he's blamed himself and hes allways told anyone who asked shady stories all a little bit different because he hated the idea of being judged for what had happened but he recently opened up and told me the story i wont go into major details because he wouldnt be happy about it but the basis is:

he and his friend where very close they had many arguments but my boyfriend was all ways trying to help and even though it never went to plan his mate realised and appreciated this. They started getting to big for there boots and they began punching above there weight (litterally) they went to take revenge on a man who had abused some one they knew. However the mans family didnt like it and hunted them down he found them and ran my boyfriends friend over and tragicly killed him my boyfriend ended up in a coma for a few days he woke up and was confronted by his friends sister he said he new instantly that he hadnt made it. The reason my bf believes it was his fault is because his friend got told that his sister had slept with my now bf however he had been missinformed and they had gone out to talk about it the night that he died. the friend didnt want to listen and stormed off and thats when he died my bf saw the whole thing and then got put into a coma. Last night he told me every little detail that he could and it pained me to see him in a state where he could barely talk through the tears. I promised that i would do anything to make him understand that it wasnt his fault and even though his friend died angry at him it doesnt mean he dies hating him as he believes the thing is i deal with grief very differently i grieve up untill the funeral and then thats me ive grieved that way for everyone ive lost and i suppose that my deffence mechanism kicking in but im stuck on how to make him believe its not his fault i said id find records of his death and try to find out where he was buried or if he was cremated ( as his friends family blamed him for the whole situation and refused to let him anywhere near them or the funeral) i thought if i could find his grave he could tell his friend everything he told me he could talk and his friend would have to listen in a way but he refused not only did he want to honour the family wishes but he didnt want to remeber his friend that way. the grieving is growing and i know its healthy to grieve and let all your emotions out on the table its just he cant seem to get passed blame all i want ot do is be there for him and help him but i dont know how? if anyone can offer any advice it would be really great thanks

[ModKonnie]

Hi,

My boyfriend lost one of his close friends about two years ago and hasn't wanted to talk about it really through our relationship. He gets upset every year on the day off the death and around it which im guessing is common.

What makes me want to help him the most is because since his friend died he's blamed himself and hes allways told anyone who asked shady stories all a little bit different because he hated the idea of being judged for what had happened but he recently opened up and told me the story i wont go into major details because he wouldnt be happy about it but the basis is:

he and his friend where very close they had many arguments but my boyfriend was all ways trying to help and even though it never went to plan his mate realised and appreciated this. They started getting to big for there boots and they began punching above there weight (litterally) they went to take revenge on a man who had abused some one they knew. However the mans family didnt like it and hunted them down he found them and ran my boyfriends friend over and tragicly killed him my boyfriend ended up in a coma for a few days he woke up and was confronted by his friends sister he said he new instantly that he hadnt made it. The reason my bf believes it was his fault is because his friend got told that his sister had slept with my now bf however he had been missinformed and they had gone out to talk about it the night that he died. the friend didnt want to listen and stormed off and thats when he died my bf saw the whole thing and then got put into a coma. Last night he told me every little detail that he could and it pained me to see him in a state where he could barely talk through the tears. I promised that i would do anything to make him understand that it wasnt his fault and even though his friend died angry at him it doesnt mean he dies hating him as he believes the thing is i deal with grief very differently i grieve up untill the funeral and then thats me ive grieved that way for everyone ive lost and i suppose that my deffence mechanism kicking in but im stuck on how to make him believe its not his fault i said id find records of his death and try to find out where he was buried or if he was cremated ( as his friends family blamed him for the whole situation and refused to let him anywhere near them or the funeral) i thought if i could find his grave he could tell his friend everything he told me he could talk and his friend would have to listen in a way but he refused not only did he want to honour the family wishes but he didnt want to remeber his friend that way. the grieving is growing and i know its healthy to grieve and let all your emotions out on the table its just he cant seem to get passed blame all i want ot do is be there for him and help him but i dont know how? if anyone can offer any advice it would be really great thanks

Polly,

If your boyfriend's grief is growing and so is his guilt after two years, he may need to seek professional counseling. You can continue to be there for him by continuing to reassure him that it is not his fault. Your boyfriend may not be able to go visit the gravesite, but he can write his friend a letter and explain everything he is feeling, including the guilt. Many people who do this also perform a small ceremony or light a candle and then burn the letter and "let the guilt, shame and grieving go." I know this may sound odd, but it truly helps.

Would your boyfriend be interested in coming here to talk about his experience? We will be here for both of you,

ModKonnie