Still reeling after 4.5 months

[schtef71]

I feel so alone. I was having a bad day yesterday and stumbled across this site. My father was killed in an accident on August 31, 2011. He was only 64 years old. He was crushed by a lawn tractor. I hate even to write that, it sounds so foolish and ridiculous, like some kind of great cosmic joke. This man was larger than life, he was my hero. He jumped out of airplanes and yet was killed by a lawnmower. It's like God making a joke out of his life.

I had a great relationship with my parents (once I grew out of being a teenager!) and was very close to them. I live just a couple miles from them. My parents helped me a lot with my 2 girls, especially after my marriage fell apart. My girls (8 & 9) loved their Pa and he loved them...my oldest was hit especially hard.

I feel like I can't take any more pain. I'm the one that destroyed my marriage. I had an affair 3 years ago, that lasted about 5 months. I tried so hard to repair the damage, but some things, once you break them, can't be put back together again. I have so much guilt over what I did, how I hurt my husband, how I destroyed my girls' family, how I disappointed my parents, how I degraded and debased myself. My husband tried to stay, but he just couldn't forgive me. After he lost his own father to cancer in Dec. 2010, he moved out.

I spent most of last year grieving the loss of my husband, even though he wasn't dead, just lost to me. My parents were supportive and helpful. Dad taught me how to mow grass "the right way" and how to drive the tractor.

Dad was an only child. His mother is still living, she has Alzheimers and is in a nursing home. His finances were in a complete mess, mainly from trying to supplement my grandmother's care (she makes too much on Social Security and her tiny pension to qualify for Medicaid), and trying to bail my brother out of his failed business a few years ago. He blew through all of my grandmother's assets and his retirement. I'm struggling now to manage the finances for my grandmother and my mother, and to some extent my brother. Dad took care of everything, and Mom essentially had no idea about money matters, or the state of their finances. And in a lot of ways, he still supported my brother (maybe "enabled" is a better word) and now he looks to me like a surrogate Dad...I'm trying to get my grandmother out of the facility she's in and get some of the debts Dad left behind paid off so Mom can live comfortably, and trying to encourage my brother to make more responsible decisions.

My husband did come home when my Dad died, I think at first it was to help with the kids, but about a month later he lost his job, so he's still home, but I don't think he wants to be there. I can't talk to him about how I feel. I can talk to him about "logistics" - estate (financial) matters and the like - but I am not comfortable talking to him about my feelings, because I feel like he doesn't care anymore. And I feel worthless and like I deserve how he acts towards me because of what I did to him.

I feel like I have to take care of so many people. I work full time and have a part time job, I have my girls...I just feel overwhelmed. I feel so stuck, so depressed. I have gotten really good at putting on an act for everybody else and acting "normal"...after all, your friends get tired of you pretty quick if you're constantly down and pessimistic...I feel so numb and empty inside. I just don't know if how I am feeling is even "normal" after it being almost 4.5 months. Although I realize I've got a boatload of other issues...but I feel like I spend at least part of each day waiting for another shoe to drop, I feel like I can't take anything else bad happening. Sometimes I am angry at Dad, for leaving such a mess behind, for leaving us so suddenly, and then I miss him with every fiber of my being...I don't even know if I know how to grieve for him. I just needed a place to vent. Thank you to anyone who reads this...

[ada33r]

muleskinnersdaughter,

I'm so sorry for your sudden, devastating loss. One psychiatrist put it this way, 'when your parent dies, you have lost your past.' The distress and emotional strain that follow can be beyond description. Not only do you have to deal with a terrible loss but you also have other distressing situations in your life, such as your relationship with your husband, your brother, your mom, and your children, dealing with money matters. The latter can tear a family apart. From personal experience, when my husband lost his grandfather, his close-knit family was heavily strained because of money issues, it happens time and time again. All of this can take a pricey toll on your health. Please don't forget to take care of yourself.

The need to cry and mourn will be ever-present until the death can be accepted and the length of the grieving process varies from individual to individual. While recovering though do not isolate yourself. Getting back to your routine and keeping in touch with friends and relatives is essential to recovering from grief. Be there for your children and your mom, they are also grieving, they need you.

There is so much that you are going through. You will be in my prayers. Also, know that you always have an opportunity to get close to God. He invites us to be His friend and we will reap the benefits of that relationship. The writer of the psalms was going through many distressful situations too and he was inspired to write: "They kept confronting me in the day of my disaster, but Jehovah came to be as a support to me." (Psalms 18:18) We have the support of God in times of trouble. His "line" is never "busy" when call to him in prayer. This is a friendship based on love but to have love for someone you must learn about them. The same goes about God. He tells us about himself in the Bible. There are many passages that can help you in whatever situation you may find yourself in.

We hope to hear from you soon. This forum can also be an outlet for you, use it when you need to, abuse it if it need be. :-)

Warm hugs,

Ada

[debbie8800]

Ada is right, when we loose a parent we loose our past. Don't be so hard on yourself. I lost my mom 7 weeks ago and i am still reeling. I have guilt over putting her in a nursing home that ended up being negligent. She had parkinsons but they kept saying she was fine but that it would be bbetter if she stayed in there. The nurses lied to me and said she was fine. Well she wasn't fine and she died 14 days after being hospitalized with mrsa and pneumonia. I can't seem to get past this part. That it was not a nice peacful ending.

One of the nurses packed up and left the state. Trying to find a lawyer to take the case is also difficult to prove. So i have to grieve but i have anger at a couple of people that are responsible for lying and letting my mother deteriorate. Long story short she had parkinsons and was not able to walk anymore. but she was my mother and i loved her dearly. My life has changed drastically. I feel like i don't know if im coming or going.

I hate being alone now too, I had phone calls all day about rentals to share and i am exhausted from all of it, just want my mother back.

[schtef71]

Thank you, Ada...I appreciate your prayers...I wish I could find comfort in my faith, but I think part of my problem now is that I've just lost it. I prayed so much over my marriage, especially during the time my husband had left me, prayed that God would soften his heart towards me, that he would help him to find the spirit of forgiveness. I just got more and more hopeless to the point that before Dad died, I was just begging God for some kind of miracle, because I didn't know what else to ask Him for. And then the day Dad was killed, my grandmother had called and said there had been an accident, all she knew was that it was bad. I didn't know he was already dead. I made a 15-mile trip in about 5 minutes, and the whole time was begging God to please not take my father away from me, not after everything else that had happened. I don't know how to explain it, but I simply find that I can't pray. I find myself alternately doubting that God exists, and if He does, I'm angry at Him. My mother is one of the most faithful people I know, and I think if God is real, and He took my dad away from my mom, how is that rewarding her for her faith? I have a very hard time going to church and sitting through a service. I can barely mouth the words to the hymns, and I feel like I want to cry the entire time. At the same time, I desperately want to believe that there is a God, and a heaven, so that someday I will see my daddy again.

Debbie, I am so sorry for your loss. I know how easy it is to blame yourself. I feel the same way sometimes and I wonder if there was anything I could have done differently that would have changed the day's events, somehow have kept Dad safe. I worry about my grandmother now as she's in a nursing home, and I know the caregivers there aren't taking the best care of her, and I worry about something happening to her like your mother. She's had 2 falls in the last month, and the first one they left her lying in her own urine, the second wasn't reported to us until days later as a bruise, but turned out she had broken her collarbone. I know how you feel. I just want my dad back.

[Linda43]

I most my momma 5 weeks ago and have found it very difficult to function. Some days I.think ok I am doing ok then the next is horrible and can't even get out of ned due to.the grief of missing her.

[kellyk1969]

My Father died June 9, 2011..January 9th was the 7 month anniversary..at first it was completely unbearable!! So grief striken I could hardly breathe. This went on until last Nov. I started seeing a grief counselor and taking medication. I feel better..I can get through several days without crying, the meds. almost make it impossible to cry but sometimes the pain breaks through and it just covers me with anguish, Like he just passed yesterday..still hard for me to believe he is gone. When I first started on this forum a lot of people said it will take time to feel better, I didn't feel better until I started taking celexa. But I am still very moody, my husband and children bring this up to me all the time..I don't mean to be I have never known this kind of grief before, my Father and I weren't even very close until the last year of his life..I am grateful for that!

[debbie8800]

Mules: I am so sorry for the loss of your dad. I thought about it and it must have seemed so sudden....My mom had been sick awhile before the idiots at the nursing home who by the way had no knowledge of what it takes to care for a parkinsons patient.

I wake up and can't believe my mom is gone. Its all so sudden and sad. I will pray for us all to feel relief from this pain and over time to find a way to find some happiness. I will pray for your mother and family as well. May the lord watch over all of you. My condolenses. I am so very sorry..... Every time i see an accident I think, "there but for the grace of god go I."

Prayers for comfort healing and moving forward. Its so hard I know.