My family is thinking I'm crazy for grieving when there was no relationship

[Jeannie812]

Chuck was my ex-boyfriend. He was not a good boyfriend. He invited me and my kids to move into a house he bought for us. Then he turned into a bachelor. He didn't like the noise or mess of kids. He would NOT treat me like a girlfriend. He just wanted someone to take care of his house while he was away at work. He worked out of state. He would fuss at me about the mess my kids make. No romance. Just collect his mail and clean his house. And, be available in his bed at night! He could have paid someone for these services!

Things ended bitterly between us.

I moved out. I moved up north.

After we split he allowed me to stay at his house. His house was a meeting spot for me and my now grown children. Also my family is in the area. Chuck was more open to this company, now that me and him were not together.

I found that me and Chuck really clicked as good friends. It was like lovers without the sex. We would watch movies together and laugh at the commercials. I laughed at his corny humor (as long as he wasn't cracking jokes at 8:00 am) Then when my time in town was done I would leave and drive me and my son back home up north.

I got word on Dec 7, 2011 that Chuck had Stage 4 Pancreatic Cancer. I called him and he was already kinda winded. His son was there also his sister was there. My mind wasn't grasping something. I thought he will beat the odds. This can't happen to Chuck. No, never! I'll call him when he is feeling better and when he doesn't have company.

Things happened so fast.

Friday dec 23 Me and my son arrived at Chuck's house. I didn't understand why Chuck didn't greet us, or why he stayed away in his room. I grabbed a plate and put my cheese and sausage and crackers on it. I had brought Chuck's favorite stinky cheese. I invited Chuck's sons to help themselves. I still had not seen Chuck , I thought he was still resting. I ran out to buy Chinese. When I came back Chuck's sons told me to visit Chuck in his bedroom. Then they left.

This is when I found out that Chuck was active up until the day we came. He was bedridden the day we came on Friday.

I walked into Chuck's bedroom. I felt so weird doing this. I had not been in Chuck's bedroom since we were together. I always stayed in a separate bedroom during my visits.

Chuck was a different man. Much thinner. Actually he was so handsome thinner. I told him so. He welcomed me so sweetly. He waved me forward to him. He pulled me into a hug. Then he just held my hand. I remember being kinda stiff cause all this affection was not expected. I thought he had made it clear before that we were not a couple and now this. I was kinda jumpy cause I didn't know how to handle this sudden change of heart. And I didn't know how bad off he suddenly got.

It turned out to be a wonderful night. My friend Patrice came. My son Bob, and his wife Amber and their baby Kaylee came. I brought the crew into Chuck's bedroom and asked if it is ok if I bring the party into his room. Chuck's sister Joy was already in his room. We broke out the wine. We had a party in Chuck's room.

The next morning I got up. I went into Chuck's room. He asked for a back massage. I was quiet while I massaged his back cause it was so early. Hospice brought out bedside commode an hour later. An hour later Chuck fell backwards unconscious on this commode. His son tried to pick him up. He couldn't pick Chuck up cause it was dead weight.

I and my son ran into room and tried to assist. My son gave up quickly cause the Poo got on his shoe. I didn't have time to scold. I was too freaked out. I was on my knees with Chuck. Chuck's son was also on his knees. I kept talking to Chuck.

Chuck lived until the medics came. or at least his breathing continued until the medic's came.

Chuck saw that white light right before the medics came. I saw Chuck's eyes raise up and his mouth opened up in awe. I called him back and got him breathing by calling him back, . but, his body maybe had lived another 5 minutes but his spirit was gone.

I am now weird by this experience. I can't get past it. I relive it. I dream about it.

Not taking anything away from Chuck, cause he is important but I gotta get a grip on myself. can't I can't function this way!

[ModKonnie]

Chuck was my ex-boyfriend. He was not a good boyfriend. He invited me and my kids to move into a house he bought for us. Then he turned into a bachelor. He didn't like the noise or mess of kids. He would NOT treat me like a girlfriend. He just wanted someone to take care of his house while he was away at work. He worked out of state. He would fuss at me about the mess my kids make. No romance. Just collect his mail and clean his house. And, be available in his bed at night! He could have paid someone for these services!

Things ended bitterly between us.

I moved out. I moved up north.

After we split he allowed me to stay at his house. His house was a meeting spot for me and my now grown children. Also my family is in the area. Chuck was more open to this company, now that me and him were not together.

I found that me and Chuck really clicked as good friends. It was like lovers without the sex. We would watch movies together and laugh at the commercials. I laughed at his corny humor (as long as he wasn't cracking jokes at 8:00 am) Then when my time in town was done I would leave and drive me and my son back home up north.

I got word on Dec 7, 2011 that Chuck had Stage 4 Pancreatic Cancer. I called him and he was already kinda winded. His son was there also his sister was there. My mind wasn't grasping something. I thought he will beat the odds. This can't happen to Chuck. No, never! I'll call him when he is feeling better and when he doesn't have company.

Things happened so fast.

Friday dec 23 Me and my son arrived at Chuck's house. I didn't understand why Chuck didn't greet us, or why he stayed away in his room. I grabbed a plate and put my cheese and sausage and crackers on it. I had brought Chuck's favorite stinky cheese. I invited Chuck's sons to help themselves. I still had not seen Chuck , I thought he was still resting. I ran out to buy Chinese. When I came back Chuck's sons told me to visit Chuck in his bedroom. Then they left.

This is when I found out that Chuck was active up until the day we came. He was bedridden the day we came on Friday.

I walked into Chuck's bedroom. I felt so weird doing this. I had not been in Chuck's bedroom since we were together. I always stayed in a separate bedroom during my visits.

Chuck was a different man. Much thinner. Actually he was so handsome thinner. I told him so. He welcomed me so sweetly. He waved me forward to him. He pulled me into a hug. Then he just held my hand. I remember being kinda stiff cause all this affection was not expected. I thought he had made it clear before that we were not a couple and now this. I was kinda jumpy cause I didn't know how to handle this sudden change of heart. And I didn't know how bad off he suddenly got.

It turned out to be a wonderful night. My friend Patrice came. My son Bob, and his wife Amber and their baby Kaylee came. I brought the crew into Chuck's bedroom and asked if it is ok if I bring the party into his room. Chuck's sister Joy was already in his room. We broke out the wine. We had a party in Chuck's room.

The next morning I got up. I went into Chuck's room. He asked for a back massage. I was quiet while I massaged his back cause it was so early. Hospice brought out bedside commode an hour later. An hour later Chuck fell backwards unconscious on this commode. His son tried to pick him up. He couldn't pick Chuck up cause it was dead weight.

I and my son ran into room and tried to assist. My son gave up quickly cause the Poo got on his shoe. I didn't have time to scold. I was too freaked out. I was on my knees with Chuck. Chuck's son was also on his knees. I kept talking to Chuck.

Chuck lived until the medics came. or at least his breathing continued until the medic's came.

Chuck saw that white light right before the medics came. I saw Chuck's eyes raise up and his mouth opened up in awe. I called him back and got him breathing by calling him back, . but, his body maybe had lived another 5 minutes but his spirit was gone.

I am now weird by this experience. I can't get past it. I relive it. I dream about it.

Not taking anything away from Chuck, cause he is important but I gotta get a grip on myself. can't I can't function this way!

Jeannie,

Of course you are weirded out because you saw another person die, a person who you obviously cared for. Witnessing someone die is profound, and makes you feel all kinds of ways, including shaky about your own mortality. And you did have a relationship with him. Just because it was not sexual doesn't mean it wasn't a relationship.

It will take some time, but the strangeness and oddness you are feeling, the dreams, the constant rewind of the scene, will start to fade. Obviously the entire situation was a complete and total shock, and it was probably frightening, unbelieveable, out of body, numbing, and everything else rolled into one. Many people experience these kinds of feelings during traumatic experiences.

It will help to keep talking about it. Have you tried a grief and loss group? Maybe a session or two with a counselor? Have you written any of your feelings down since Chuck died? Does his family talk to you?

I am so sorry for your loss. We will be here to support and encourage you.

ModKonnie

[widower2]

I'm sorry for your loss. Didn't see anything about how/why your "family is thinking I'm crazy for grieving when there was no relationship" - ? Obviously there was a good friendship, so what's not to get? Am I missing something?

Anyway, regardless, give yourself time, it will take lots, and be gentle to yourself, ie try not to 2d guess yourself or feel guilty etc (which are common btw).