Sudden loss of Mum

[fayemel]

My mum died on January 1st after a very sudden collapse 5 days prior. She was very healthy. We went from the emergency department to palliative care all within 24 hours. Mum and Dad had been married 41 years and still live(d) in the house they built when they were married. They still walked around the shops holding hands and were inseperable. My only sibling (older sister 39yo) had no partner or children and had still relied a lot on our parents. I am married with 2 teenage boys and a 1yo boy.

All through the hospital to palliative care journey, the staff directed all the information/questions at me (being a nurse is never secret for long) and made me very uncomfortable because they should have been talking to Dad. Also they spoke really quietly even though I consistently told them that Dad is hard of hearing. I felt like it was up to me to constantly advocate for Dad because my sister never said anything, she left it up to me because 'I was the nurse".

During those few days I did have a couple of crying sessions but they were short lived because I had to be there for Dad. I cried during a song at the funeral but that's it really. I don't know if I'm simply too busy with my children and partner to grieve properly or if I am still in shock. I don't know where I am at the moment. Since Mum was buried on the 5th, Dad has gone to the cemetery every day and when my sister tells me what time to meet them I feel obligated to go, which is awful because shouldn't I want to go? I am cooking meals for Dad which I am fine with and my husband is on leave from work at the moment and is incredibly supportive so I am very lucky.

I am getting a bit worried that I feel like I'm not really grieving. Is it that I'm just not taking the time? Or is this dysfunctional? Am I simply avoiding things?

Sorry for rambling, this is my first post. Thanks in advance for any replies.

[debbie8800]

I would think you would be very upset at your mothers death. Maybe it hasn't hit you yet. Were you close? My mother died on nov 14, and i could barely function.

I would think you should be upset but everybody is different.

[fayemel]

My mum died on January 1st after a very sudden collapse 5 days prior. She was very healthy. We went from the emergency department to palliative care all within 24 hours. Mum and Dad had been married 41 years and still live(d) in the house they built when they were married. They still walked around the shops holding hands and were inseperable. My only sibling (older sister 39yo) had no partner or children and had still relied a lot on our parents. I am married with 2 teenage boys and a 1yo boy.

All through the hospital to palliative care journey, the staff directed all the information/questions at me (being a nurse is never secret for long) and made me very uncomfortable because they should have been talking to Dad. Also they spoke really quietly even though I consistently told them that Dad is hard of hearing. I felt like it was up to me to constantly advocate for Dad because my sister never said anything, she left it up to me because 'I was the nurse".

During those few days I did have a couple of crying sessions but they were short lived because I had to be there for Dad. I cried during a song at the funeral but that's it really. I don't know if I'm simply too busy with my children and partner to grieve properly or if I am still in shock. I don't know where I am at the moment. Since Mum was buried on the 5th, Dad has gone to the cemetery every day and when my sister tells me what time to meet them I feel obligated to go, which is awful because shouldn't I want to go? I am cooking meals for Dad which I am fine with and my husband is on leave from work at the moment and is incredibly supportive so I am very lucky.

I am getting a bit worried that I feel like I'm not really grieving. Is it that I'm just not taking the time? Or is this dysfunctional? Am I simply avoiding things?

Sorry for rambling, this is my first post. Thanks in advance for any replies.

Thanks for your reply Debbie. Yes maybe I 'should be upset" as you say, . Yes Mum and I were very close, spoke every day and lived around the corner from each other. I guess what I am wanting is some validation, someone to say it's ok to not feel anything for a while. Does anyone have any objective advice on how denial/shock works? Will the shock wave finally hit me when I stop being so busy and relax?

[debbie8800]

Thanks for your reply Debbie. Yes maybe I 'should be upset" as you say, . Yes Mum and I were very close, spoke every day and lived around the corner from each other. I guess what I am wanting is some validation, someone to say it's ok to not feel anything for a while. Does anyone have any objective advice on how denial/shock works? Will the shock wave finally hit me when I stop being so busy and relax?

Yes after 6 weeks or so now if something goes wrong my mind turns to my mother and the realization hits that she is gone forever and i loose it. I cry alot and i am very strong. Mom and I were very close. She was from scotland so i feel alone in the US. Sometimes can''t sleep and feel restless. I keep saying if only i did this or that. My mom was 87 i tried to protect her from things, but i went out to calif in 2004 and she had parkinsons with one sister left across the street from her. I miss my mother so much just carrying on is a major chore.

Im sorry i am not more help. I am crying now.

Debbie

[ada33r]

Fayemel,

First of all, I'm so sorry for your loss, my condolences go out to you. Grief can affect us in various ways, but for many the overriding feeling is one of intense emotional pain. I wanted to share with you an experience that I read that I feel may be of comfort to you. It was of a man named Leonardo who was 14 years old when his father suddenly died from cardiorespiratory problems. "Leonardo will never forget the day his aunt broke the news to him. At first he refused to believe it was true. He saw his father's body at the funeral, but it all seemed strangely unreal. For about six months, Leonardo was unable to cry. Often, he found himself waiting for his father to come home from work. It took about a year before the full impact of the loss sank in. When it did, he felt terribly alone." Watchtower 7/1/2008

Not everyone grieves in the same way but one thing does hold true of everyone: Repressing your grief can be harmful mentally, emotionally, and physically. Feel free to express your grief. Working through it takes patience since at times you may feel like you are on an emotional roller coaster. The point is that some do not mourn immediately and no two people grieve in precisely the same way. The psalmist also declared: "I have grown numb and become crushed to an extreme degree." (Psalm 38:8) The book Death and Grief in the Family also says: "A person who receives a deep slash would or breaks a bone goes into physical shock. This shock is kind of a protective device that keeps the enormity of the pain from hitting immediately. Grief works in much the same way."

Keep us in mind when you would like to write something without having any judgements. Come back and write your feelings, as that also plays a part in recovery. Share your feelings with your loved ones, it is because they love you that they will not judge you.

Kind Regards,

Ada