Lost my Grandfather a little over a Week ago.

[ArtsyFreak18]

I'm going to start off right away by saying i'm in no danger of harming myself or anyone around me and i am not religious and i'm not looking for sympathy. I'm not sure what i'm looking for really, i guess just a place where i can get it out. But My grandfather was like a second father to me. I was always a daddy's girl so there were no issues with my dad but it was like having two dads. Ever since i was a little girl i have dreamed about both of them walking my down the isle someday and having a dance with each of them. What my father couldn't do, my grandfather did. My grandfather took me places and let me experience things that i never would have otherwise. My grandmother, his wife, passed when i was only six but ever since, everything my grandfather did was based around me. All of his efforts and choices were about me and making sure i was raised properly and got to a good place in life. I'm eighteen now... turning nineteen in two months... He was so excited when i started college this year especially since i love it so much. He loved hearing me talk about how well i was doing and the latest thing we did in class. I'm studying veterinary medicine and am holding a 3.9 gpa. He was diagnosed with lung cancer a month ago and when i found out, i almost couldn't accept it. But i made sure i spent hours with him every day just talking to him or giving him company (as if i didn't already) and the day after christmas my dad brought him into the ER because he had back pain... they were expecting it to be a quick thing, needing some extra painkillers... only while at the hospital, his bloodpressure dropped to almost nothing and he couldn't breathe for himself. thats when they found he had pnuemonia. both kinds. Passed the next day from a heart attack from the meds. he was maxed out on almost everything because he would keep waking up and moving a little which made his body fight the ventilator. It was a sign to us that he was still there, he was fighting... even the doctors said he was improving, getting just a little bit stronger. It got all of our hopes up. Then not twenty minutes after we left we were called back because he was having a heart attack and he was gone before we could get back... It was the first time i've ever seen my dad cry and it completely unhinged me. At the funural i cried the entire time as his friends and old coworkers introduced themselves to me one by one, telling me how i was one of the only things he thoroughly enjoyed talking about. How he loved to brag about my latest accomplishments and always found a way to sneak me into a conversation. They told me how they all loved me regardless of if they even met me or not just from what he's said. Every single person talked about how good natured he was was and how he would help you with anything if given the chance (which i already knew of course) He didn't have a single enemy, But ever since his passing i've found myself in a state of disbelief, which i expected and am dealing with alright so far, but what gets me is i'll find myself sitting in my parked car for a half an hour, just zoned out of the world, not even thinking, just all thoughts blank from my mind. I'm beginning to accept it more but i'm having more trouble with the emotions that come along with the acceptance. I've gotten letters from my school with new priveleges and honors i'm being given because of my grades and the first thing i think of is 'I can't wait to tell papa!' and then i remind myself he's gone and i'm at a loss of what to do. I of course tell my dad and he's just as proud but i loved going to my papas house to update him on new events. Ever since he got sick it seemed to be what kept him going and what kept him smiling. All i want to do is talk to him and tell him so much more. Some days i can come to an agreement that i'll do my best and excel at everything and know he'd be proud and happy and by my side but other days, i just don't know what to do first. I feel overwhelmed and i get a lot of those moments where i find myself lost for full conversations and up for hours because i just don't know what to do. I've never lost my drive to do well in school no matter my thoughts but that doesn't keep me from feeling as far gone as he is right now. Some of my only comforting thoughts are that he didn't have to suffer through the stages of cancer the way most would. It was quick and painless for him. But i'm always countered with the thought that it was much to soon. My grandmother was 52 and he was 64 and fairly healthy with only asthma issues that were easily managed. The other is that my dad said that he suspected he was sick before he told my dad or started getting treatment. He had a doctors appointment, a regular checkup, and days after he decided to go on a road trip out of the blue. He drove from massachusetts to florida and planned to spend two weeks touring the beaches down there and coming back days before thanksgiving. But my dad got a call from the oncologists office saying they needed to get ahold of my grandfather and he wasn't picking up his phone. That's when my dad called him and he had to come back from his trip a week early. I wasn't informed that he was sick until about a week after thanksgiving when they knew exactly what he had. Small cell lung cancer. The doctors were very optimistic about his outcome saying it was very treatable and very responsive to their treatment. I feel angry and frustrated but it's not directed towards anyone in particular. It just makes me angry because he didn't deserve it. He worked hard his whole life and only got to enjoy about two years of retirement. Then i feel guilt because he's done so much for me and i know i could never have repayed him for everything he's done, but i wish i could have. He deserved so much more than what he got and it kills me. I know these are all the stages of grief but it still doesn't help me deal with it. I've never had to deal with a loss this massive before. (sorry for any spelling or gramatical errors, its 5:30 am and its been another sleepless night...)

[ModKonnie]

I'm going to start off right away by saying i'm in no danger of harming myself or anyone around me and i am not religious and i'm not looking for sympathy. I'm not sure what i'm looking for really, i guess just a place where i can get it out. But My grandfather was like a second father to me. I was always a daddy's girl so there were no issues with my dad but it was like having two dads. Ever since i was a little girl i have dreamed about both of them walking my down the isle someday and having a dance with each of them. What my father couldn't do, my grandfather did. My grandfather took me places and let me experience things that i never would have otherwise. My grandmother, his wife, passed when i was only six but ever since, everything my grandfather did was based around me. All of his efforts and choices were about me and making sure i was raised properly and got to a good place in life. I'm eighteen now... turning nineteen in two months... He was so excited when i started college this year especially since i love it so much. He loved hearing me talk about how well i was doing and the latest thing we did in class. I'm studying veterinary medicine and am holding a 3.9 gpa. He was diagnosed with lung cancer a month ago and when i found out, i almost couldn't accept it. But i made sure i spent hours with him every day just talking to him or giving him company (as if i didn't already) and the day after christmas my dad brought him into the ER because he had back pain... they were expecting it to be a quick thing, needing some extra painkillers... only while at the hospital, his bloodpressure dropped to almost nothing and he couldn't breathe for himself. thats when they found he had pnuemonia. both kinds. Passed the next day from a heart attack from the meds. he was maxed out on almost everything because he would keep waking up and moving a little which made his body fight the ventilator. It was a sign to us that he was still there, he was fighting... even the doctors said he was improving, getting just a little bit stronger. It got all of our hopes up. Then not twenty minutes after we left we were called back because he was having a heart attack and he was gone before we could get back... It was the first time i've ever seen my dad cry and it completely unhinged me. At the funural i cried the entire time as his friends and old coworkers introduced themselves to me one by one, telling me how i was one of the only things he thoroughly enjoyed talking about. How he loved to brag about my latest accomplishments and always found a way to sneak me into a conversation. They told me how they all loved me regardless of if they even met me or not just from what he's said. Every single person talked about how good natured he was was and how he would help you with anything if given the chance (which i already knew of course) He didn't have a single enemy, But ever since his passing i've found myself in a state of disbelief, which i expected and am dealing with alright so far, but what gets me is i'll find myself sitting in my parked car for a half an hour, just zoned out of the world, not even thinking, just all thoughts blank from my mind. I'm beginning to accept it more but i'm having more trouble with the emotions that come along with the acceptance. I've gotten letters from my school with new priveleges and honors i'm being given because of my grades and the first thing i think of is 'I can't wait to tell papa!' and then i remind myself he's gone and i'm at a loss of what to do. I of course tell my dad and he's just as proud but i loved going to my papas house to update him on new events. Ever since he got sick it seemed to be what kept him going and what kept him smiling. All i want to do is talk to him and tell him so much more. Some days i can come to an agreement that i'll do my best and excel at everything and know he'd be proud and happy and by my side but other days, i just don't know what to do first. I feel overwhelmed and i get a lot of those moments where i find myself lost for full conversations and up for hours because i just don't know what to do. I've never lost my drive to do well in school no matter my thoughts but that doesn't keep me from feeling as far gone as he is right now. Some of my only comforting thoughts are that he didn't have to suffer through the stages of cancer the way most would. It was quick and painless for him. But i'm always countered with the thought that it was much to soon. My grandmother was 52 and he was 64 and fairly healthy with only asthma issues that were easily managed. The other is that my dad said that he suspected he was sick before he told my dad or started getting treatment. He had a doctors appointment, a regular checkup, and days after he decided to go on a road trip out of the blue. He drove from massachusetts to florida and planned to spend two weeks touring the beaches down there and coming back days before thanksgiving. But my dad got a call from the oncologists office saying they needed to get ahold of my grandfather and he wasn't picking up his phone. That's when my dad called him and he had to come back from his trip a week early. I wasn't informed that he was sick until about a week after thanksgiving when they knew exactly what he had. Small cell lung cancer. The doctors were very optimistic about his outcome saying it was very treatable and very responsive to their treatment. I feel angry and frustrated but it's not directed towards anyone in particular. It just makes me angry because he didn't deserve it. He worked hard his whole life and only got to enjoy about two years of retirement. Then i feel guilt because he's done so much for me and i know i could never have repayed him for everything he's done, but i wish i could have. He deserved so much more than what he got and it kills me. I know these are all the stages of grief but it still doesn't help me deal with it. I've never had to deal with a loss this massive before. (sorry for any spelling or gramatical errors, its 5:30 am and its been another sleepless night...)

Artsyfreak18,

Iam sorry about the loss of your grandfather. It is okay that you have come here to get everything out. That is definitely a positive step toward healing. You have some good points in saying that on the one hand, it's good that your grandfather did not suffer through a long battle with cancer; my mother in law did and it was absolutely horrible. On the other hand, it was too short a time because he could have spent more time with his family. However, it is what it is, and I'm sure that your grandfather sounds like the kind of man who would want you to move forward and remember the good times and happy memories. Life happens even when we aren't ready and don't want it, and the cycle of life includes death, which is the hardest part for those of us left behind.

A good way to repay him for everything he has done is to honor his memory by doing the good, kind things he has done for someone else. Your grammar was fine, and I look forward to hearing more from you.

ModKonnie