4 years coming up

[chincube]

4 years anniversary coming up, and I've found myself coming back less often. Sometimes I think about coming back, but decided not to as sometimes it's too painful. But time does soften things, and it's becoming more ok now.

I remember I did not know how I was I supposed to go on with my life, and not knowing what to do. But somehow I got through more than 3 years, trying my best to be kind to myself and have a somewhat okay life for myself.

It almost looks like my life is "normal" - I'm still working same job day in and day out, I have a comfortable life. Covid happened and somehow I had excuse to take some time to be alone, not leaving home without being judged. My family is still here and healthy. I started dating my boyfriend's best friend, although it didn't start out elegantly more like a "clinging to whatever keep me alive" kind of start, which turn out to be a very good relationship that is good for both me and him. My life is just so "normal" and almost boring.

Yet sometimes I notice that I never laugh quite the same again, I laugh but I could never laugh till I cry again. When I look at photos of myself I notice there's a line of photos "before/after", my smile changed and never could go back again. I eat again to what seems like normal way, but it's like my relationship with food changed also.

There is this "understanding" of life, like I got a peek of a small gap in life, of secrets that not all know about. I know there is no guarantee of life, I know so much life can vanish in a second and it's gone, I know how messy a death can be and how much things a person can hide until they die. I also know a life is made up of many choices and behaviours, only one does not define the person.

I try my best and I work hard, and for most of the time I feel "normal". Some days suddenly out of nowhere tears just roll down while I'm not even actively thinking of him. Instead it's more like all the very familiar feelings I had in the early days suddenly decide to appear out of nowhere, sometimes it's the uncontrollable crying, sometimes it's the 300lbs sitting on my chest, sometimes it's the panic that I can't breathe.

His best friend is the only person who knows everything about him, about me and about him and me. So he understands why it hit me so hard so long, but he would tell me not to think about it too much that his friend is dead but we are still alive so we must go on. So he would only talk about funny stories of his friend that make both of us laugh, but avoid talking about the bad stuff and little secrets I found out that makes me cry. He also carries guilt over dating me, as in being disloyal to his friend. Sadly, I don't know how to make him feel better.

So 4 years coming, me and his best friend we both seem having "normal" life again, we eat we laugh we love. But a screen of melancholy is just constantly over us - which is hard to explain. I feel lucky I don't have to explain that to the person I date again, I don't think I can, but it's very real.

There it is summary of my close to 4 years journey. Times does soften things, life does find a way. But maybe the all familial messy feelings might never truly go away completely.

[Roxeanne]

Chincube it's so good you can rebuilt your life again! 

You and his best friend shared an awareness that make life deeper and intensely...sometimes a little sad 'cos both of you're missing your love and best friend!

But it's very good you are together and i wish you  happiness💕

[KayC]

I am glad things have gone so well for you...yet as you point out there are those distinct differences, and I know it's not the same as if it'd never happened, but it does sound as if you've made the best you could with it.  I wish you only peace going forward.

[foreverhis]

On 3/24/2023 at 11:05 PM, chincube said:

Yet sometimes I notice that I never laugh quite the same again, I laugh but I could never laugh till I cry again. When I look at photos of myself I notice there's a line of photos "before/after", my smile changed and never could go back again.

I suspect every member here who has journeyed through multiple years understands this all too well.

I remember looking in the mirror a few months after John died and barely recognizing myself.  It wasn't the weight gain, though that didn't help.  It was as if I had aged a decade since the day of his cancer diagnosis only about 17-18 months earlier at that time.  Who was that pinched-looking, grey-faced, grim, old woman with the puffy red eyes and the haunted look?  It's different now.  I have lost more than half the weight (and slowly working on the rest), but there's also a different look to my face and in my eyes.  After more than 4 years, I have found a kind of happiness, which our dearest friends in both my local and a few hours distant circles have noticed.  It will never be the rich, full happiness of "before."  How could it?  But I see that even as I gain more grey hair and wrinkles, my honest smile reaches my eyes most of the time now (if that makes sense). 

And the laughter, oh my goodness, the laughter!  No one could make me double over, tears running down my face at times, like he could.  When he and our male BFFs got together, the puns flew fast and furious.  They were never mean; they never played pranks; they were just really smart, quick witted men who seemed to expand when together.  It was a joy to watch our BFFs' (brother- and sister-by-choice) son grow into a kind, smart, brilliantly funny young man.  John and our BFF, closer to each other than they were to their brothers by birth, were absolutely the best role models of how to be "a man" in the modern world. 

I will never laugh like I did when John was by my side.  There's always a winsomeness, a certain element "missing," now when the others and I are together.  I am well aware that I am not the only one who lost someone so very dear.  They are well aware that my experience in grieving John's loss is so far beyond their understanding that all they can do is be there for me, as they have been from the day we told them John was ill.

I have no interest in any romantic relationship, but am so happy when I hear that other members have found love again.  Being able to open our hearts to possibilities is one of the major steps forward, IMO.  The biggest difference for me this year, as nearly everyone knows because I can't seem to shut up about her, is my sweet, stubborn, smart Cosi girl.  Why, I ask myself sometimes, did she see and hear me and almost instantly decide, "There she is!  That's my human mom.  She's my family and she needs me"?  Apparently, she had been reticent/hesitant of meeting people at the outstanding shelter where she ended up, having been abandoned in an apartment along with the garbage.  With me, she came out from under her blankies, got right in my face, sniffed and rubbed on my hands and cheek, and that was that.  There are days I have to ask myself if John had a hand in sending her to me.  I was looking for an older, sedate cat; I was claimed by a 1 year old feisty and active Bengal.  She's a challenge, no doubt about that; she also puts a smile on my face and love in my heart every day.

@chincube  I truly am so pleased to hear that you are doing well.  One of the reasons I still come here most days, even if all I do is read posts, is because I think it's important for those of us further along to talk about our journeys.  When I first joined, I was sure I would never feel like living again.  Then members further along reached out to me and helped me start to see small bits of light and hope.  And that made such a difference.

[chincube]

@foreverhis Your description is on the point. I hardly can recognize myself anymore sometimes, I look so different from myself before I knew this pain. I lost 30lbs the first month or 2, I gained half back but I still look not the same. My smile never reaches my eyes anymore, my laugh never cause tears anymore.  I would say I am "happy", but not the same meaning of "happy" before I experienced this pain, not the same meaning of "happy" that everyone else mean.

I do hope though, someone experiencing this new if so happen to bump into this, would see there is indeed light. It will not be the same, we will not forget him/her (my biggest fear in the beginning), but we can survive.

Some days are still hard, when there are triggers... I could still cry for days. But I know that would pass too... so I just let the tears be

[KayC]

You know what I miss?  Our exchanged glances, holding hands, cuddling, not having to say a word but understanding each other.  Not having that leaves a hole in my heart.

[LMR]

16 minutes ago, KayC said:

You know what I miss?  Our exchanged glances, holding hands, cuddling, not having to say a word but understanding each other.  Not having that leaves a hole in my heart.

Exactly!

[foreverhis]

9 hours ago, KayC said:

You know what I miss?  Our exchanged glances, holding hands, cuddling, not having to say a word but understanding each other.  Not having that leaves a hole in my heart.

Yes. The little “in jokes” and the looks that say everything without words.

Having someone who knows exactly what I mean when I say, “Press on my back” from an old injury that flares up. And someone who I can ask, “What’s that little bump on my back (or bum)?”  Rolling over into a cuddle at night, knowing I am safe.

Just all the things that made us an “us.” Being an “I” again is taking a long time, though John will always be with me.

[Roxeanne]

11 hours ago, KayC said:

You know what I miss?  Our exchanged glances, holding hands, cuddling, not having to say a word but understanding each other.  Not having that leaves a hole in my heart.

Yes....be two souls together on our journey around the Sun!

And i miss our laugher together!! 

[KayC]

2 hours ago, foreverhis said:

Rolling over into a cuddle at night, knowing I am safe.

Laying in his arms at night, it felt like the best place in all the world to be.  I haven't had that feeling since.