Survived the first session of A grief support group

[Deborah_M]

Survived the first session of the grief support group.  It was horrible, I thought I would feel better but if anything, I have been a mess for a week, this coming Monday is the second group meeting.  The group leader said it would be hard going through this but by the end we should see the light at the end of the tunnel, so to say.

There must have been about 20 of us.  Some lost their husband, some loss siblings, and some  children and parents. There was so much grief in that room.  I was not expecting much from the first meeting, we mostly introduced ourselves and filled out a questionnaire.  No one really wanted to talk but that is what some of us did.  We were asked to share our story.  Everyone that did cried giving the details.  There was about 4 of us that stepped up to the plate.  I almost wish I had waited.  Each story was different but the grief and pain was the same.

When I decided to step forward I wasn't sure what I was going to say, just the details and a short statement, but it really didn't work that way.  Once I started speaking, the words came out and it was like someone else was telling the story.  I cried to the point I thought My heart was going to explode.  I told the group about the six years of being my husband's caregiver, going from one crisis to another...getting over one illness to the next , in and out of hospitals and then the end when he just couldn't take it any more,  and the final step of him leaving me here alone.  

In some ways retelling the story seemed to bring me more pain, now it's like a movie playing over and over in my head.  At the end of the session our group leader, Sherry said we would have a hard time for the next few days.  It's been a hard week for me, I can't think of anything else but how he suffered for 6 long years.  I looked at the pictures on my phone and saw how each year he looked more ill than the year before, I never saw that when he was alive, I guess I saw him as I wanted to see him.  

We took a self-profile of bereavement: dated it and will take it again at the end of the 8 week course.  Some of the questions were:  I cry easily, I have the feeling That I am watching myself go through the motions of living, I feel extremely anxious and unsettled.  There was 25 questions to answer True or Not True.  The more yeses you got out of 25 questions, the worst shape you were it. My score said I needed professional help, I was holding in too much grief, but you have to remember, I didn't just loss my husband, I lost my oldest son at the same time (2 weeks apart).

Monday starts a new session with the ones who didn't tell their stories finishing up.  I almost wish I didn't start this program.  It's hard, but I am committed to seeing it though.

It has taken me a week to get to the point of being able to tell you about this journey I'm on.  I'm also sure that I will have to go through all the pain again.  I have keep reminding myself that all this is necessary for me to heal.  If you don't hear from me for a week, you know I'm opening up the wounds and trying to heal, say a prayer for me.

 

 

[widower2]

I hope it is working for you. I tried some group grief therapy and found it was not for me.

I find the questions thing curious tbh. Do they really expect you to feel much differently in 8 weeks? 

[Deborah_M]

I don't know, a couple of them have been through it twice.  Nothing else is working for me, might as well give it a try.

[WithoutHer]

I have given this thought but don't believe it will help me anymore than coming and reading and sharing with the group on this site. I'm only 6 weeks into my loss as of today. It's about 1:15 Saturday morning here.

I cry with every post I make. Like everyone here losing my Vickie is the worst life experience there is. 

The post about carrying grief or burying grief which just keeps on going has put me in tears several times reading those posts. I am carrying the grief.

And I am going through this alone with the exception of  the people in this group plus 1 friend and Vickie's daughter both very busy with their own lives.

The most painful thing I am learning is there's no time frame to expect healing pain. I can only keep repeating how I honestly feel. This isn't living. I don't see myself improving even taking it one day at a time like everyone says to do.

[widower2]

2 minutes ago, WithoutHer said:

I don't see myself improving even taking it one day at a time like everyone says to do.

That is understandable. But you are very early in the process. It's reasonable to expect that you will. 

[KayC]

Quite honestly I would "expect" anything, just keep in today, with what it brings, you're only six weeks in.  That is still very early on in the journey although I know to you it probably feels like a lifetime with all the changes.  I was still very much in shock at that point.

[DWS]

8 hours ago, WithoutHer said:

I have given this thought but don't believe it will help me anymore than coming and reading and sharing with the group on this site. I'm only 6 weeks into my loss as of today.

Getting myself into a grief support group was something I thought I should do very early on as well but thankfully, I listened to the little voice that told me otherwise. What a relief  and affirmation it was to hear in the first session with my grief counsellor that she doesn't recommend such a thing that early after one's loss. In those first initial weeks, we're not only dealing with tremendous emotional pain but also confusion, weakness and lostness. Placing oneself so early among a group of total strangers at that time would have us asking "what am I doing here?"  I think we help ourselves much better processing our loss individually rather than put ourselves into a setting where we risk others "hijacking" our grief so early on. With this site, we're at liberty to do our own digging and choosing with what will help or not help us. That, in itself, is helping to ground us with a shot of confidence and strength whether we're aware of it or not. 

[Carol34]

Before I tell my grief support group story, you have to know that I suffer from social anxiety.  For me to walk into a room where I know nobody is like facing a rabid dog.  But, since I don't have a circle of friends that I can share my thoughts and feelings with, I started looking for grief support.  My insurance wouldn't cover a therapist, and my finances are very tight, so I looked for groups.

Two weeks before Christmas 2021, I found a grief support group near me.  It's run by a non-profit group that advocates for and helps senior citizens in our county.  The meetings are only once a month, and are very informal.  New members introduce themselves and tell as much of their story as they care to.  The returning members also introduce themselves, and give a short version of their story.  We talk about positive things that we've been doing, as well as hurdles we are facing.  During one meeting we all told about something we had accomplished...big or small...that month.  For some, it was cleaning out a closet.  For others, it was dealing with a family member.  It's a wonderful group, and I've actually made 2 good friends there.  We get together between meetings, just to talk about our lives, our grief...and to share a meal.  I have to admit that when I walked into that room for the first time, I wanted to run!  I'm so glad I stayed. 

Since that group worked out so well, I kept looking for more groups.  I found that there was one at the Hospice where Paul had died.  It took everything out of me to walk back into the building without collapsing into a puddle of tears.  But I made it into the meeting room.  It was awful!  The facilitator handed us a list of rules.  The first one was "Do not comment on another person's share".  So as each person in the room told their story, some crying uncontrollably, none of us were allowed to say anything to them.  It seemed so cold and uncaring.  We finished the meeting by reading a prayer that was on the other side of rules list.  I felt like I was at AA.  I didn't go back.

Then I found a Griefshare meeting that was at a church I knew of.  This was important, because part of my anxiety is that I'm afraid of going into places I haven't been...fear that I'll make a mistake, or end up in the wrong place.  So I typically drive past a place the day before I have to be there, just to make sure.  Anyway, the people there were wonderful.  Most of them attended that church, but they didn't mind that I didn't.  I am a Christian, so the fact that it's scripture based didn't bother me at all.  But, it seemed like every time anyone said that they were having trouble with anything, they were just told to "Give it to God."  When they said they didn't feel like family and friends understood what they were saying, they were told to "talk to God instead."  I pray every day...numerous times during the day.  My faith is what got me through Paul's illness and subsequent death.  And God has been very important in my life.  But I also feel that people need people too.   Let's face it, that's why He made Eve.  But the point where I stopped going to the meetings was when I was told that talking to my husband was wrong, and that I should only talk to God.  I was polite enough to stay for the rest of that meeting, but I haven't gone back.  It's been over a year.

All of that said, I think that groups are good for some people.  And I think that some groups work for some and not for others. For me, being around people who are going through the grief process has been very helpful.

[Deborah_M]

2 hours ago, LostThomas said:

I've been thinking about your experience Deborah and didn't want to respond too quickly.  I had just written, only hours earlier on another thread, that I hadn't sought counseling because I didn't have a level of trust, I felt was adequate for it.   I couldn't really explain why I felt the way I do.  DWS gets pretty close to my feelings.   I would not have done well and I appreciate your honesty here.  I will remain apprehensive, perhaps more so now.   I would want counseling to help but I do not think I'm the kind of person that would respond, at least in a group.   I would have been one of those quiet, and a major reason for that would be that I can't easily summarize how I feel.  I'm too fragile not to be able to get into things in a deep way.   I wouldn't 'hijack' something like that, but like DWS said, here we are at liberty to do our own digging, and find grounding with a shot of confidence.  That's exactly where I am.  In fact, in what I had written elsewhere I even wrote that I wouldn't seek further counseling unless I was 'confident' that I was failing in isolation.   

I was surprised that you said it was a horrible experience.  But now I'm wondering if I should have been surprised.   It doesn't surprise me that you're going to give it a chance though.   That's courageous and I think that comes from your own faith.   I could be wrong there, but it fits.   You've been through so much.  If the test says, you need more, give it the consideration it deserves.   Whether something succeeds, or fails, it is the truth that matters.   Listening to that, the truth, is the hard part.   I almost committed to the group counseling very early in my grief.   I was urged by my daughter to do it because I was in so much trouble.  I went as far as finding someone who accepted Medicare.  The day I went there and gave them the details I actually got lost in my own neighborhood, less than 2 miles from my home.   I was still in shock, much like Kay suggested.   Shock was not a one-week event for me.  It was at least a month, and the more time that passes I'm thinking it was at least 2 months now.   I'm glad I trusted my instinct then.   I'm not anti-counseling.  It is a matter of confidence though.

I think many of us will benefit from the impressions of others on this subject.  Use the perspectives you hear to understand your own, regardless of where you hear them.  It's just not a one-size fits all endeavor and allowing for latitude, so you too can dig deeper, will help the most.

Thomas:  Please don't mis-understand me.  When I said it was "a horrible experience" I was referring to having to open up and face my pain.  Many years ago, I did go to one on one counseling...went a few times but decided it was not doing me any good.  Again, how can someone who has not gone through that experience understand you and help you, IMHO, they can't.  So...I mentioned "needing Professional help only in passing.  I know I will not go that route.

This group is my support group just like the one at my church, the only difference is I can put faces  to names, touch them (hugs) and they are local.  Here we only have each other's post to be able to relate to each other. (We understand each other's pain and feeling with no judgement.) I'm not pitting one against the other, just adding to my resources.  Does that make any sense?  I hope so, because I love this group and have made some good friends here and gotten some good feedback.

I want to share something with the group...Tomorrow is the 2nd anniversary of my mother's death.  I sent my two brothers a reminder.  What shocked me was so disturbing.  My older brother has been here for me through all of this, I don't know how I would have made it without him, he has traveled here to help me twice and is coming again next month.  He lives in Denver.  This will sound terrible, but up until today...I was so focused on my own grief, I didn't acknowledge that he was going through his own grief with losing our mother.  I texted him right away and asked for his forgiveness.  I felt really bad about that, but I think going forward I won't feel so alone, and I think I will be more understanding of his needs as well.  God is opening my eyes and showing me things I never saw before.  God is my counselor every day.  All of you are my friends and family.  I just hope I am able to help someone else who is having trouble sorting all this out.  I seem to learn something new about myself every now and then, My strengths and my weaknesses , even at this age its good to know I'm still growing as a person and in my faith.  I am reminded of two sayings my husband use to say to me.  "No Pain, No gain" and "What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger."  That's enough for me to think about for now.

I pray  for you Thomas, I read your post and see how you are struggling with your grief, we will never get over our losses but hopefully we will learn though each other how to cope with it better.  I am grateful, I am walking this journey with all of you here.

God bless to all, ~ Deborah

[RichS]

I attend a support group at a local church. Nice people there. Problem is, we only meet once a month. I quickly discovered that I needed more than that but at the same time I wasn't keen on going to grief sharing classes (taking notes, reading books, watching videos, etc.). A few months ago I was blessed to have found this board and it's been a perfect addition for me. In fact, I honestly get more visiting this board every day than I do with my once a month meeting. Again, this is what works for me. You may have other choices that suit you better.

[movingon]

Gosh Deborah, that was hard reading about how much pain you were in after going to the group counseling. Having gone through your husband and son's losses, that would be an enormous amount of reliving the losses that you are doing.  It was courageous that you went, and if your heart tells you to continue there, then I think it's the right path for you. Prayers and love to you Deborah

[Deborah_M]

Thank You, I also admire your courage and friendship.💟

[movingon]

I have always felt you to be such a strong person Deborah, as delicate as your poor heart must feel. You're life and your pain has always touched me. 

[Deborah_M]

7 hours ago, Carol34 said:

Then I found a Griefshare meeting that was at a church I knew of.  This was important, because part of my anxiety is that I'm afraid of going into places I haven't been...fear that I'll make a mistake, or end up in the wrong place.  So I typically drive past a place the day before I have to be there, just to make sure.  Anyway, the people there were wonderful.  Most of them attended that church, but they didn't mind that I didn't.  I am a Christian, so the fact that it's scripture based didn't bother me at all.  But, it seemed like every time anyone said that they were having trouble with anything, they were just told to "Give it to God."  When they said they didn't feel like family and friends understood what they were saying, they were told to "talk to God instead."  I pray every day...numerous times during the day.  My faith is what got me through Paul's illness and subsequent death.  And God has been very important in my life.  But I also feel that people need people too.   Let's face it, that's why He made Eve.  But the point where I stopped going to the meetings was when I was told that talking to my husband was wrong, and that I should only talk to God.  I was polite enough to stay for the rest of that meeting, but I haven't gone back.  It's been over a year.

All of that said, I think that groups are good for some people.  And I think that some groups work for some and not for others. For me, being around people who are going through the grief process has been very helpful.

I understand your feelings about sharing in a group, I don't think I would have stayed either if I was told to "Give it to God". That to me is personal, I think sometimes people confuse  their religion with Christianity. There are many religions, but only one Christ. I'm sorry for your loss.  You are right, we all need people too.  Thank you for sharing.

[Deborah_M]

5 minutes ago, maud said:

I have always felt you to be such a strong person Deborah, as delicate as your poor heart must feel. You're life and your pain has always touched me. 

Oh Maud, I have never felt like a strong person.  If anything...I feel like the weakest among us.  I will share this with you, it was my husband that taught me to be strong, I'm just running on his teachings.  Bless you!

[movingon]

Well, he taught you well because living where you do in the country with your two dogs and going to your church, going to the group counseling, going through your brother's illness, your son's loss , your husband's...your faith is so strong, you are surviving through all of this...I feel strength in you, and a  delicateness at the same time,  but never weakness. 

[KayC]

17 hours ago, Carol34 said:

But the point where I stopped going to the meetings was when I was told that talking to my husband was wrong, and that I should only talk to God.

What?!  I'm glad you mentioned that!  Sorry, I talk to my husband all the time, whether he hears me or not, we are part of each other, dead or alive, here or there.

[KayC]

17 hours ago, Carol34 said:

And I think that some groups work for some and not for others.

I led a grief support group, weekly, for years, we all enjoyed it, it was for loss of spouse although we would have welcome anyone with loss.  We also got together for lunch at times.  We all had a chance to speak but if someone didn't want to it certainly wasn't required.  We're all unique and it's important to respect those differences.  I loved watching them develop in their journey.  We always had a lesson and discussion and included a short prayer, nothing to make anyone uncomfortable, and handouts to take home.

[Deborah_M]

21 hours ago, maud said:

Well, he taught you well because living where you do in the country with your two dogs and going to your church, going to the group counseling, going through your brother's illness, your son's loss , your husband's...your faith is so strong, you are surviving through all of this...I feel strength in you, and a  delicateness at the same time,  but never weakness. 

Thank you Maud, your words mean so much to me!

[KayC]

On 3/25/2023 at 7:34 PM, maud said:

Well, he taught you well because living where you do in the country with your two dogs and going to your church, going to the group counseling, going through your brother's illness, your son's loss , your husband's...your faith is so strong, you are surviving through all of this...I feel strength in you, and a  delicateness at the same time,  but never weakness. 

And I feel the same.

[Deborah_M]

On 3/26/2023 at 6:25 AM, KayC said:

I led a grief support group, weekly, for years, we all enjoyed it, it was for loss of spouse although we would have welcome anyone with loss.  We also got together for lunch at times.  We all had a chance to speak but if someone didn't want to it certainly wasn't required.  We're all unique and it's important to respect those differences.  I loved watching them develop in their journey.  We always had a lesson and discussion and included a short prayer, nothing to make anyone uncomfortable, and handouts to take home.

KayC:  Sounds a lot like the group I'm in.  today was day number 2. This was much easier than the first day.  People were opening up to each other and I can see friendships starting.  We had one gentleman in the class, I don't usually see men cry, but watching and listening to him tell his story, and seeing the tears and all the grief that was pouring out of him, broke my heart...I couldn't speak to him without crying myself.  Today, I stayed very busy doing things like washing my car, raking leaves in the yard, etc....just because I didn't want to think about any more sadness today.  Hope you are doing OK!  Have a good night.  ~ Deborah

[movingon]

Deborah, I'm so happy the second day was easier, that's good to hear. I hope as you go along, it does bring you some comfort alongside the sadness. 

[KayC]

12 hours ago, Deborah_M said:

KayC:  Sounds a lot like the group I'm in.  today was day number 2. This was much easier than the first day.  People were opening up to each other and I can see friendships starting.  We had one gentleman in the class, I don't usually see men cry, but watching and listening to him tell his story, and seeing the tears and all the grief that was pouring out of him, broke my heart...I couldn't speak to him without crying myself.  Today, I stayed very busy doing things like washing my car, raking leaves in the yard, etc....just because I didn't want to think about any more sadness today.  Hope you are doing OK!  Have a good night.  ~ Deborah

It was nice, I loved it, did it for years before the pandemic.  Miss them all.