Regret having my cat put to sleep

[VMac]

I’ve posted this in a reply elsewhere but hope it’s also ok to post as a new topic I’m very distressed. My cat was 18.5, had 3 existing conditions & a heart murmur but don’t know if the murmur was a problem as many cats have them. Blood tests & urinalysis showed they were well managed but he kept losing weight. I started a stool sample and had decided to go ahead with a scan next via his usual vet. Two days later he collapsed, hyperventilated and lost control of his bowels all at the same time. The emergency vet said it was a stroke, his back legs were paralysed and whilst he wasn’t in pain it was a poor prognosis. I didn’t think that sounded promising, didn’t want my cat to suffer a poor quality of life so I verbally agreed to have him put to sleep. Then the vet made a dismissive comment about my cat’s age and weight and how it was for the best. His comments rattled me as it sounded like he was just writing my cat off but I couldn’t think what to do next. I went to see my cat and checked he definitely couldn’t use his legs. I instinctively wanted to get him out of there and home again but dismissed that idea as irresponsible and selfish in case he deteriorated further. For some reason which I’ll never understand I didn’t have the presence of mind to ask for his carrier back, put him back in, pay and leave for another emergency clinic for a second opinion. Instead I felt panicked and defeated like there was no other option than to go ahead. Now I feel I completely failed my cat when he needed me the most to make a stand. Worse still, I’ve since read that cats often recover well from strokes and regain mobility. The next day the emergency vet said my cat had an ATE (blood clot in the saddle region) but that condition is excruciating for cats and they normally really howl. And the emergency vet had reassured me the day before my cat wasn’t in pain so it doesn’t seem to add up. Plus the report doesn’t mention ATE or any blood clot and says ‘back legs off’ which isn’t the same as paralysis. The emergency vet was adamant the prognosis was poor and I made the right decision but he seems to have changed or talked up the diagnosis to something more serious and I can’t stop thinking he just wrote my cat off due to his age and weight. If it was ATE I don’t regret my decision but I had my cat put to sleep based on a stroke and paralysis. I’m left not knowing what really happened and not trusting the emergency vet who I now think was maybe high-handed and harsh. This has caused me a lot of distress and I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to forgive myself for not being able to act on what I think my body was telling me about the vet before I went ahead.

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your losing your cat, it's the hardest thing in the world to part with.   My heart goes out to you...been there.

 

ou can rest assured your kitty is at peace now...

The what ifs blame game happens to most of us going through early grief, it did me when my husband died nearly 18 years ago...it's not that we are guilty of anything but loving them, and the truth is feelings are not facts, but it's that we can't wrap our heads around what happened, and our mind is trying to find some different possible outcome so it searches all the what ifs...

Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers

A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
Breaking the Power of Guilt
A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml
http://www.griefhealing.com/article-loss-and-the-burden-of-guilt.htm
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2019/08/pet-loss-when-guilt-overshadows-grief.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2017/07/pet-loss-when-guilt-goes-unresolved.html

I hope this short video brings you some comfort and peace.

 

[foreverhis]

9 hours ago, VMac said:

This has caused me a lot of distress and I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to forgive myself for not being able to act on what I think my body was telling me about the vet before I went ahead.

Welcome.  I just want to echo Kay a little bit.  You truly are guilty of nothing but loving your sweet boy for 18.5 years.  You are not a vet and could only act on the information you had at the time--all the while emotionally distraught and scared for your companion.

I think it's typical for our first thoughts to be, "I can't bear to lose him (or her)" and our second to be, "I can't bear to have him (or her) suffer."  As for whether you made a mistake letting him go, letting him be lifted up to the Rainbow Bridge, I've heard and read more than once that it's better to help them a week too soon than wait one day too late.  Our animal companions live in the "now," so when they are suffering that's what they know and it's really all they understand at the time.  It's always so hard to know when and what is right because our love for them and their love for us is so true and pure that it's never going to feel "right."

It does sound as if the emergency vet was high-handed and not fully listening to you, but the "Why did/didn't I...?" and "I should/shouldn't have..." questions and thoughts are the hardest for most of us.  We're the ones left here, our hearts searching for a different outcome and for someone to blame.  Naturally, we look in the mirror, point back at ourselves, and say, "It's your fault!"  Even though it's not true, we go through the guilt anyway.

In time, I hope you will be able to ask yourself what his quality of life might have been had he recovered from a severe stroke or ACE with complications.  At his age and with pre-existing conditions, no one has any way of predicting or knowing.  Of course you wanted more time with him because there's no amount of time that is "enough" when it comes to deep, lasting love.

I'm so very sorry you lost your loving companion and in such a shocking way.  Truly, you did nothing wrong, though I realize it will take time for you to see that.  It's my firm belief that our dearest animal companions will be waiting for us when it's our time and that they will remember only the love.

[VMac]

Thank you Foreverhis, it’s very kind of you to take the time to write your reply. You’ve reminded me about the now that animals live in and it’s a fact that my beloved cat was not in a good place at all that night. It’s also debatable as to whether anyone could have got him out of that situation with a good outlook. And not without at the very least confusion and fear in a clinical setting and most likely with tests, including invasive tests/treatments and additional medications with possible side effects. I also have to keep reminding myself that my cat’s ability to tolerate routine vet visits, let alone tests was noticeably decreasing as he aged. He’d been losing weight before his collapse. The weight loss and collapse may or may not have been connected but as you say neither were good on top of his existing conditions. Logically I know that health wise things were stacking up. It’s just that by nature I’m a ‘never say die’ type, tend to speak my mind and usually act fast in a crisis so I’m left questioning myself for not being able to think about a second opinion. Perhaps after deciding not to take my cat home due to the risks involved that was it. Maybe that’s why I didn’t think beyond that because deep down I knew getting a second opinion would’ve involved the risk of him waiting while I looked up another clinic, booked another taxi and another journey during which my cat might also have suffered and/or deteriorated further. Thank you again for your kind words.

[KayC]

15 hours ago, foreverhis said:

it's better to help them a week too soon than wait one day too late.

I feel the same. Yet a day after Arlie was euthanized, I remember thinking, "I could have had him with me right now."  Yes, but at what cost to him!  It was getting harder for him as time went by, I already kept him two months ten days past diagnosis with me providing hospice at home.  No help/direction from the vet.  

 

15 hours ago, foreverhis said:

It's my firm belief that our dearest animal companions will be waiting for us when it's our time and that they will remember only the love.

Yes. And it's only me remembering their botched euthanasia in which he went out in so much pain...that will haunt me the rest of my life (emotionally) but I realize with my mind it was over and done with for him within minutes and he remembers it no more.  Why, oh why, though, do we have to be haunted with such memories!  All I really want to remember is my sweet goofy boy that gave me 10 1/2 years of the most wonderful companionship and fun!  My sweet 140 lb "Little Boy" that was the best companion ever.

14 hours ago, VMac said:

You’ve reminded me about the now that animals live in

They do, and it's only us people that haunt ourselves later on...

14 hours ago, VMac said:

Perhaps after deciding not to take my cat home due to the risks involved that was it. Maybe that’s why I didn’t think beyond that because deep down I knew getting a second opinion would’ve involved the risk of him waiting while I looked up another clinic, booked another taxi and another journey during which my cat might also have suffered and/or deteriorated further.

Keep this in mind...personally I think you did the kindest thing for your cat...maybe not for you, but for your cat.  And that's what defines a good cat mom.

[VMac]

Thank you KayC for your thoughtful comments. Now that a little time has passed I can re-read your replies and with a more balanced approach. I’m still heartbroken of course, but I’m beating myself up a bit less. I see I did my best in a truly hideous situation and my priority was my beloved cat’s welfare. However, I still believe my emergency vet experience was poor and I’ve since taken this up with the RCVS here in the UK. 

[KayC]

Had I had the presence of mind to do so, I should have when my Arlie died...because the vet did not have their scale calibrated, they under-anesthetized him and he went out in severe pain!  I will never forget his face all contorted...he had inoperable cancer, I had wanted to alleviate his pain, not cause it.    I'm glad you are taking it up with the powers that be.

[VMac]

@KayC I’m so terribly sorry to hear about this traumatic experience 😢. We go to vets in the best of faith  for our beloved pets. 

[foreverhis]

On 3/25/2023 at 3:54 AM, KayC said:

that will haunt me the rest of my life (emotionally) but I realize with my mind it was over and done with for him within minutes and he remembers it no more.  Why, oh why, though, do we have to be haunted with such memories! 

I know, Kay, and I'm so sorry that you have to suffer it.  I do understand it.  There's no way to explain fully to anyone how the vivid image of John taking his last breathe and leaving this world lives in my head and heart.  At first, it was unbearable and constant.  Over the first few years, it's not that the memory faded; no chance of that.  It's that all the silly, fun, happy, wonderful, sweet, loving, and even mundane memories came back in and "pushed" themselves in front of it as a reminder of who he was and our life together.  The same thing happened with my handsome, funny, loving Charlie Bear.  At first, all I could see were his desperate eyes as he struggled to breathe (with me holding the oxygen mask) as the vet tried to save him.  And all I could hear was John sobbing and saying, "No, no, no" over and over.  But there too, time and patience did their work so that I could see his goofy smile when we brought him home as a fluffer-butt puppy, his curiosity when we introduced him to (John's soul cat) Penny when she was a kitten, his pride the day he had his "Lassie moment" and probably saved Penny's life (long story, but it was classic), his "stern" warning to three men who approached us while we were waiting for John one time (hackles up, soft low growl), and his absolute joy in being with his family and friends. 

I'm not sure why we have to live with those images and sounds so deep and permanent.  Maybe so that our reunion with them will be all the sweeter.