Month 5

[cowsaregreat]

It's just passed the 5th month since I lost my abusive/mentally ill husband. Every day I question if I'm grieving 'correctly'. I question whether I'm not crying enough -  or too much -  or trying too hard - or not enough - to move through this. Am I damaging my future self by not doing this in the 'right' way. Logically I know there's no correct way. Grief is personal. And mine is complicated. I can't yet look at a photo. I'm only now just starting to get tiny memories of him sneak into my brain. Is this 'normal'? Up until now, I had pushed all memory of his face, moments together etc out of my head. Now my brain appears to be letting it in, slowly. 

Sorry for the rant. I just need to know it somehow gets easier. I have times, at night in bed, where I'm so overwhelmed that I don't want to be alive. I know this is my late night, tired grief brain talking, but it worries me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[KayC]

As far as what is normal is concerned, don't concern yourself with that, it's normal for you, that's what counts.  I am so sorry for all you are going through.  You are facing so much more than the rest of us, be kind and patient and easy on yourself.

[RichS]

8 hours ago, behindthedunes said:

I have times, at night in bed, where I'm so overwhelmed that I don't want to be alive. I know this is my late night, tired grief brain talking, but it worries me.

Night time it's not only dark, but most of us are at our lowest energy levels of the day. Many years ago I started realizing that I should never make any important decisions late at night (unless it was an emergency). You're grieving in your own unique way, which is correct for YOU. I'm not sure whether your husband was abusive by choice or because he was mentally unstable. In either case, along with your personal grieving, it would good for your mind and soul to experience as much peace as possible. As Kay said, you have gone through a lot more than all of us; having gone through a very difficult situation. Our prayers on this board are with you.

[MichiganDaniel]

Bedtime has been hard for me too. I tend to stay up watching TV too long, because when I turn that off and go to bed it gets too quiet, and my thoughts are free to run to the dark places. If I can’t sleep, or if it’s too hard, I’ll get up. Maybe eat something. Like you said, there is no right way. We’re plunged into a new world that will never be the same. I believe there is a future where it gets better, where a new world opens. Whatever path we take, we’ll find that new world when it is ready for us.

[KayC]

1 hour ago, RichS said:

I should never make any important decisions late at night (unless it was an emergency).

This sounds like sage advice!  I'll have to tuck that one away in my memory banks!

 

[RichS]

19 minutes ago, behindthedunes said:

I need peace in my head as well as in my environment. It's a hard thing to find.

Keep posting on the board. We're all here to help each other.

[cowsaregreat]

Argh my phone is doing some weird formatting for me it seems. So here's my last comment without the huge space below it:

 

Thanks everyone. He was mentally ill and I genuinely believe wasn't aware of the abuse. He was also an addict. You're right about night time being when we're low on energy. And my brain does go to dark places when the TV is off and I'm in my head. Feelings of guilt, you name it, decide to make themselves known. I've been on sleeping meds and it helps slightly. I need peace in my head as well as in my environment. It's a hard thing to find.

 

Also just wanted to thank everyone for being so kind. I never in a million years expected myself to be in this situation and I have no idea how to get through it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[RichS]

1 hour ago, behindthedunes said:

And my brain does go to dark places when the TV is off and I'm in my head

Just a helpful hint from one who deals with depression every day: KEEP A LOT OF LIGHTS ON AT NIGHT(BEFORE YOU GO TO SLEEP). It helps...............

[KayC]

1 hour ago, behindthedunes said:

I have no idea how to get through it.

None of us did.  Thank God we have each other, it's a life saver, for sure.

[DancesWithWolves]

On 3/23/2023 at 10:41 AM, behindthedunes said:

It's just passed the 5th month since I lost my abusive/mentally ill husband. Every day I question if I'm grieving 'correctly'. I question whether I'm not crying enough -  or too much -  or trying too hard - or not enough - to move through this. Am I damaging my future self by not doing this in the 'right' way. Logically I know there's no correct way. Grief is personal. And mine is complicated. I can't yet look at a photo. I'm only now just starting to get tiny memories of him sneak into my brain. Is this 'normal'? Up until now, I had pushed all memory of his face, moments together etc out of my head. Now my brain appears to be letting it in, slowly. 

Sorry for the rant. I just need to know it somehow gets easier. I have times, at night in bed, where I'm so overwhelmed that I don't want to be alive. I know this is my late night, tired grief brain talking, but it worries me.

 

I am so very sorry for your struggles.  If I may offer a suggestion, my daughter found a book that helped me so very much.  It is called "All of This" by Rebecca Woolfe.  My relationship started in the realm of abusive and it took time, patience, a lot of naivety, and determination on my part - along with a lot of unexpected change and growth on his part to keep us together.  As in the book, everything changed when my partner got diagnosed with cancer.  Her narrative wasn't a mirror image of what I went through, but the similarities were substantial, particularly in the first half.  I just thought it might help you as well.  I am only a month and a half into my loss, so I don't feel that I can offer anything in the way of experience that you have not already faced.  I just hoped this might be a helpful suggestion.  Wishing you the best...always.