Years later…

[t.d]

I lost my father 7 years ago and it seems to catch up with me every now and then. It’s been a little more intense in the past few weeks. I’m watching this show that is too similar to my experience and my loss and I know it makes me feel sad when I watch it but I just can’t stop. In fact, I’m watching it while writing this post. I’m tired of discussing my dad in therapy and crying in front of my partner and giving my family something to be worried about. But I also don’t want to avoid thinking or talking about him because there’s a lot of good to remember. 
 

None of my friends or close ones know what it’s like to lose a parent. It’s a different kind of loss, as I’m sure most of you know. And it doesn’t feel different, no matter what age you lose a parent at. It’s like they’re the one person you need by your side at every milestone, every stage, every time you fail or succeed. 
 

When and how does this intense feeling of grief stop? I’ve studied psychology for 6 years and it’s still such a mystery to me, no matter how many people I lose in life. I can get through anything and push through the hardest losses, but losing my dad was almost a defining period in my life. I wanted more time with him and I wanted more effort from him when he was alive. I could go on and on but I still don’t have the relief I’m looking for. I want to remember him with less pain. I wonder when that time will come. I wonder if it’s after writing this. I wonder if it’ll ever come. 

[Kazuko]

Hi I just read your post …. I know how you feel my loss is not been as long as yours my mother passed away two years this coming April 10, 2023

I too have lost other people in my life … my father .my brother, my sister-in-law and my first grandson at birth.  I was very close to my father however I was only 13 when he passed I do have very loving memories of him and I miss him till this day. 

**my mother I was not very close to growing up then when I became an adult at 30 I started to realize that I needed to spend more time with her or I would have regrets I started realizing that we were not so different and our faults or almost the same so I forgive her for many things . 

My mom got cancer April 2019 she moved in with me I became a full-time caretaker we became very close and she relied on me for everything it was as if I had the cancer and not her I dealt with all the doctors appointments etc. etc. and the pain of going through it during Covid. 

Now 2 years later I feel as though … Time has been frozen and it doesn’t feel like it’s been two years it feels like it was yesterday…but now ot seems she seems to be going farther away… I feel as though I don’t want to forget her ….I know I won’t but my family are tired of hearing me cry and talk I mean they do not see it but I can tell.

I do need to go into therapy I’ve been postponing it because my life is very busy and I really did not want to do online counseling so I need to find a counselor that I can see in person.

When people would tell me that as time goes by it will get easier and at the time I did not believe them at all and now I know it it does get easier however the pain lives with us forever and missing him is so unbearable at times.

I can still see her face sitting at the end of the bed and it was a beautiful day out and we were going to go and get a hamburger and sit in the car and eat it because of Covid we could not go in the restaurant but I had it all planned out I had our paper plates ready to go so that we could have a nice lunch in the car and take her to her favorite grocery store

this morning she walked into my room and asked me to help her with the new mask for Covid..           I bought her and for some reason I told her to sit on the little Ottoman bench I have in my room when she had set on so many times before with no problem this time she sat on the edge for some reason and fell off of it 2 feet which normally would be no problem for anyone but for her her bones are brittle from radiation from cancer and she broke her hip.

this would be the last day I call it this was the end for her she did live two months after this but was never the same. later we found out she had hepatitis C it was reactivated by the cancer treatment so the odds were against her to overcome the hip injury because of her immune system dropping and they hepatitis C and the cancer took over and she was in and out of the nursing home during the last two months of her life.

I was fortunate to bring her home like her wish was she did not want to die in the hospital she came home in the room where I cared for her and I helped her die peacefully without very much pain. my brothers and the rest of the family were able to be with her so I count my blessings and I’m grateful. 
 

however I know what you mean it hits me out of nowhere every day I cry driving in the car at a grocery store especially at night before bed sometimes the silence is unbearable. I do have a husband grand children and this is what has made me be able to get through this that I know I am blessed. 

try to take it day by day like I do I know that somehow they are watching over us and grateful to us for being there for them and they know we miss them and what day we will be with them but yet until then they would want us to enjoy our lives and live in the moment. Big Hug  🤗 

[unluckydaughter]

On 3/22/2023 at 12:27 PM, t.d said:

I lost my father 7 years ago and it seems to catch up with me every now and then. It’s been a little more intense in the past few weeks. I’m watching this show that is too similar to my experience and my loss and I know it makes me feel sad when I watch it but I just can’t stop. In fact, I’m watching it while writing this post. I’m tired of discussing my dad in therapy and crying in front of my partner and giving my family something to be worried about. But I also don’t want to avoid thinking or talking about him because there’s a lot of good to remember. 
 

None of my friends or close ones know what it’s like to lose a parent. It’s a different kind of loss, as I’m sure most of you know. And it doesn’t feel different, no matter what age you lose a parent at. It’s like they’re the one person you need by your side at every milestone, every stage, every time you fail or succeed. 
 

When and how does this intense feeling of grief stop? I’ve studied psychology for 6 years and it’s still such a mystery to me, no matter how many people I lose in life. I can get through anything and push through the hardest losses, but losing my dad was almost a defining period in my life. I wanted more time with him and I wanted more effort from him when he was alive. I could go on and on but I still don’t have the relief I’m looking for. I want to remember him with less pain. I wonder when that time will come. I wonder if it’s after writing this. I wonder if it’ll ever come. 

I’m so sorry for your loss. Why does it feel like I wrote it myself?? I lost my Dad almost 2 years ago and I find myself grieving intensely even today. While I strictly don’t want to ask “When does this get better”, because how can I be better when I have lost him forever? I know the void is here to stay until the end of my life. But I definitely keep feeling when does this “intense” pain reduce, just like how you’ve asked. There are days when I cry as if I lost him on that day. Even today I feel like screaming what did we do to go through this sort of loss and pain. I feel we were betrayed. Nobody including my husband can imagine I have such a deep pain in me even after 2 years. Everyone thinks i have moved on because nobody I know have lost a parent, especially the ones around my age. Even now I feel jealous of folks way older than my Dad celebrating their birthdays! I cannot stop thinking how happy and lucky they are and how unlucky I am. I’m a person who always believed that nobody can love you as much as your parents do.

I’m sorry I have no answer to your question, but wanted to comment because I feel exactly the same way.