Stuck in guilt

[MichiganDaniel]

I know that there is a guilt response that is the mind trying to have more control than was possible. But there are also things that are true.

When she was in the hospital, I could have had a very strict Covid discipline. I could have brought her a fresh N95 mask every day and I could have worn one diligently. I did not do these things. I wore a simple cloth mask. Sometimes in the room I would take it off so she could hear me. Sometimes when she got up to walk we both forgot our masks.

Strike one, says my brain.

My father died of cancer when I was in my 20s. With that image already in my head, someone I knew told me how  extreme chemo would need to be starting at stage four. With these images, and without any real guidance, I told the doctor I understood how much she was going to have to fight and how awful it would be. I told him that medical science can drive people into an unnatural levels of suffering. Why didn’t they give her dialysys? Maybe things I said were part of that decision.

Strike two, says my brain.

One day I lost my temper and said to the recovery room nurse that maybe I should take her to another facility. I am still so ashamed about those three minures.

Strike three .

I seem to need to keep confessing this, because I know that things I did and said would have been different had I been more mindful. Maybe I didn’t cause this, but maybe I could have helped more than I did. I was a scared, lost child and she needed me to be better.

But I can’t do it differently now, and so I have to find a way to forgive myself, because my mind knows for a “fact” that had I done better, we would still be together, yes with a horrible and frightening road ahead, but we would have had time to at least say good bye. She could have woken up. SHE NEVER WOKE UP - because of me.

This is what I need to work on in the therapy sessions. I will forgive myself, because I know without any shadow of doubt that she would understand my fear and weakness and she would forgive me. 

I will forgive myself because I was running down an avalanche and everything was dark and confused, and because half of what I know probably isn’t even true, and because I am not perfect, and because I don’t actually know how much I actually influenced anything, and mostly because she would want me to. 

I need to not get stuck here.

I posted this to get it out, but also to give love and support to all of you if you find yourself wishing you could have said or done things differently. Maybe we could have. Maybe it would have made all the difference. Or maybe those are just nice dreams. I honestly don’t know. 

[KayC]

The what ifs blame game happens to most of us going through early grief, it did me when my husband died nearly 18 years ago...it's not that we are guilty of anything but loving them, and the truth is feelings are not facts, but it's that we can't wrap our heads around what happened, and our mind is trying to find some different possible outcome so it searches all the what ifs...

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/03/guilt-and-regret-in-grief.html

[Shinka]

16 hours ago, DanielInMichigan said:

I will forgive myself because I was running down an avalanche and everything was dark and confused, and because half of what I know probably isn’t even true, and because I am not perfect, and because I don’t actually know how much I actually influenced anything, and mostly because she would want me to. 

I need to not get stuck here.

Daniel, this is an absolutely perfect description of how I feel, I could not have said it better. After two years I'm still working on self forgiveness. There will be no healing otherwise. 

[RichS]

18 hours ago, DanielInMichigan said:

I posted this to get it out, but also to give love and support to all of you if you find yourself wishing you could have said or done things differently. Maybe we could have. Maybe it would have made all the difference. Or maybe those are just nice dreams. I honestly don’t know. 

Many of us (including myself) have had these thoughts go through our heads since our loved ones passed away (I could have, I would have, I should have). Based on readings, what others have told me and examining my our conscience it's taken me awhile but I've come to this conclusion: WE ALL DID AS BEST AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE. This means that in the process of panicking, worrying and listening to the doctors and nurses, we tried to make the best decisions we could with the information we had to work with at that very moment. We made our "best" decisions at the time out of love. Did we sometimes make errors along the way? Did we sometimes forget things (like masks)? Sure we did! But neither were we intentionally careless. There's an old saying, "BETTER MISTAKES OF ERROR THAN MISTAKES OF INDIFFERENCE."

When my wife was fighting leukemia and losing weight in the process, I researched and was able to locate a cancer nutritionist in our area. After an expensive phone consultation, she recommended (among other things) including more avocados in her diet. She tried that and within a couple of days she had terrible rashes breaking out all over her stomach area. At the time I felt terrible that I made things worse. She was already suffering enough. I didn't need to add to it. Her rashes eventually cleared in in two weeks. I apologized many times to my wife but she never was angry at me because she knew it was a MISTAKE OF ERROR on my part. Prior to that she had eaten avocado 30 or 40 years ago with no symptoms. I guess her body chemistry had changed because of the leukemia, but who knew that?

If we were the ones needing care, do you think our loved ones would have made mistakes? My guess is YES........but out of error, not indifference. FORGIVE YOURSELF....

[widower2]

Wow Daniel a lot of what you said hit home big time. Some offhand thoughts:

On 3/21/2023 at 7:39 PM, DanielInMichigan said:

One day I lost my temper and said to the recovery room nurse that maybe I should take her to another facility. I am still so ashamed about those three minutes.

I confess this struck me and I have to wonder why, as my beloved had nurses and esp doctors who I SHOULD have ripped a new one but didn't and to my dying day will regret it intensely. Partly, at least in some cases, it's because I knew it would upset her and she wouldn't want me to, but it's not that simple. I can't speak to your circumstances, but if they had it coming, I applaud your temper loss. Believe me, there are AN AWFUL LOT of people in the medical profession who desperately need it, but we're in such a drained and vulnerable state, plus them being in "positions of authority," that we don't. 

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I know that things I did and said would have been different had I been more mindful. Maybe I didn’t cause this, but maybe I could have helped more than I did. I was a scared, lost child and she needed me to be better.

Wow. I could have written that...

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But I can’t do it differently now, and so I have to find a way to forgive myself, because my mind knows for a “fact” that had I done better, we would still be together, yes with a horrible and frightening road ahead, but we would have had time to at least say good bye. She could have woken up. SHE NEVER WOKE UP - because of me.

Well, you obviously know the details and I don't...but are you sure of that? I have felt the same on that as well but if I'm really honest and objective about it, can't say that's definite. Just something to consider...

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I will forgive myself, because I know without any shadow of doubt that she would understand my fear and weakness and she would forgive me. 

Props to you sir.  I know my beloved would forgive me too, because that's how she was...but I don't foresee forgiving myself for some things. 

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I will forgive myself because I was running down an avalanche and everything was dark and confused, and because half of what I know probably isn’t even true, and because I am not perfect, and because I don’t actually know how much I actually influenced anything, and mostly because she would want me to. 

Again so well said and perhaps the most convincing case I've yet heard to try and forgive myself. You accomplished more with those lines than several psychologists have with me over numerous hours of numerous talks over numerous years. 

I wish you whatever peace and comfort and self-forgiveness you can find.

 

[KayC]

16 hours ago, RichS said:

There's an old saying, "BETTER MISTAKES OF ERROR THAN MISTAKES OF INDIFFERENCE."

I hadn't heard this before!  But I have to agree, at least we cared, we tried.

[MichiganDaniel]

16 hours ago, widower2 said:

I can't speak to your circumstances, but if they had it coming, I applaud your temper loss.

Sadly, no. She did not deserve that. Later, my dear wife, lying on a gurney, uncomfortable, sick and afraid, was telling the nurses that I loved her and just wanted to take care of her. If I imagine her talking to angels, she would be doing the same thing. I know her well enough that I can imagine what she would say. Tonight I was upset, and I imagined her saying, “I know, but no more tears now. Why don’t you get a Pellegrino from the fridge and watch some TV.” So I did, and it was better.

[KayC]

51 minutes ago, LostThomas said:

I am unable to talk about the trauma of my sudden and devastating loss.   I am not even willing to take that to counseling.

If/when you are ready.  Otherwise, give yourself grace.  I remember a hymn, "In His Time" that came to mind...

[widower2]

3 hours ago, DanielInMichigan said:

Sadly, no. She did not deserve that. Later, my dear wife, lying on a gurney, uncomfortable, sick and afraid, was telling the nurses that I loved her and just wanted to take care of her.

Which I suspect either at the time or in hindsight the nurses understood. Surely you're not the first person to lose your temper in such a situation. 

[widower2]

Guilt and regret are common dance partners of grief, so thought this was well worth a bump. 

[KayC]

On 3/22/2023 at 3:51 AM, KayC said:

The what ifs blame game happens to most of us going through early grief, it did me when my husband died nearly 18 years ago...it's not that we are guilty of anything but loving them, and the truth is feelings are not facts, but it's that we can't wrap our heads around what happened, and our mind is trying to find some different possible outcome so it searches all the what ifs...

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/03/guilt-and-regret-in-grief.html

 

[KayC]

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