First day back to work

[MichiganDaniel]

Went in to work. Quiet. Tuesdays and Thursdays are most people's in office days.

Mostly good. Not much to do. Later in the day I was working on a problem that wouldn't behave. I couldn't figure it out. Anxiety rose. I had to get the hell out!

In the car it hit me.

You know, when you are going through it - driving to the hospital, talking to doctors, hearing the bad news, processing the even worse news, being called back to hold her hand for her last unconscious breath - when you're going through it we have a shield where we can somehow stand upright.

But today - the enormity of it hit me like a heavy boot on a bug.

She's gone.

Every thought, every hope, every what next, all our plans, all the bits of her life everywhere waiting for her, her dirty clothes, all her scrapbooking planning pages, everything, just ....

stopped - STOPPED

She never even got to even wake up. I can't think about how afraid she must have been.

Just stopped

So, more scream crying on the way home - I don't want this. How? I just want her back!

It's hard because not hurting feels like indifference, like it doesn't matter, like if I'm not emotionally destroyed, I just don't care. But I do. The enormity of never, or everything stopped hit me today.

I'm a total mess, so I came back to the house to share this with you.

[MichiganDaniel]

Thank you Thomas. It helps knowing how heartbroken she would be to see me sad like this, and that it is ok to be calm and quiet and happy when I can. It also helps having connection to people here who have been there - or still are there. 

[movingon]

2 hours ago, DanielInMichigan said:

I'm a total mess, so I came back to the house to share this with you.

Thank you for sharing and I am sorry for the pain today. I am useless today to say anything remotely helpful, I had an awful afternoon, panic attack, meltdown, dizzy and faint, then the fear set in. I'm calmer now and I suppose if it's any help, I find with myself, when I'm in those breakdowns I feel as if I am drowning and it will never stop. It is an overwhelming feeling of doom and helplessness and intense sorrow for me. When it finally ceases and I am spent mentally and physically and subdued...I can breathe again. It has passed for now. I can catch my breath, and carry on...carry on to functioning. It will be almost 3 months soon and these breakdowns have been less frequent. That in itself allows me the room in between to breathe.

[movingon]

7 minutes ago, Gator M said:

The love and commitment on this site could fill stadiums.

And yet....it takes losing our loved ones to come together in stadiums and show compassion and empathy and love and commitment to each other. Oh if the world everyday could be that way to each other...what a wonderful life it would be.

[RichS]

6 hours ago, DanielInMichigan said:

It's hard because not hurting feels like indifference, like it doesn't matter, like if I'm not emotionally destroyed, I just don't care.

Daniel:  You may have had a bad day today, but you made a WISE choice posting on this board today. Lots of people are here to listen to you, console you and advise you when it's helpful. This board will help you to cope. It does for me. It does for all of us here.

I also at times feel if I'm not hurting for my wife, I'm not caring. Then earlier today a couple of board members reminded me that I need to also love myself and take care of myself. This may sound a little corny, but what if you passed away and your wife was left behind, in terrible grief? You would want her to always love you and keep you in her heart, but I think you would not want her to be emotionally destroyed. As depressed as I can feel at times, I could almost imagine Chris wanting to tell me that even though that I miss her, she would want me to carry on with my life; because when you love someone, you want the best for them. That's what I think our wives want for us.

I've got a long way to go on my grief journey, myself. Let's remind ourselves of all the caring friends we have on this board. Yes, you did the right thing by sharing your feelings with us today. And who knows? Somewhere down the line I may one day be feeling as you did today; and YOU may be the one who says something that gives me the encouragement to get through my hurt. That's what this board is all about. We're all here for each other.

[widower2]

I'm so sorry. As if it isn't all hard enough, having to function at a job is challenging to put it kindly. More than once I had to excuse myself and go find an empty conference room or restroom to quietly break down and get a grip before returning to my desk. I wish you whatever peace you can find in the days ahead. 

[KayC]

12 hours ago, LostThomas said:

I have now lost it twice in public

I lost it many  times, in a shuttle from getting my car worked on (the whole van got quiet except my sobbing as I realized he had rode the same shuttle), and a grocery store, at work, on the long commute home from work (I had to pull off the hwy I was sobbing so hard I couldn't see).

 

7 hours ago, RichS said:

Daniel:  You may have had a bad day today, but you made a WISE choice posting on this board today.

Yes, this is what this place is for, we're here to listen and care...

7 hours ago, RichS said:

I also at times feel if I'm not hurting for my wife, I'm not caring. Then earlier today a couple of board members reminded me that I need to also love myself and take care of myself.

I read an article that really helped me in my early grief, I wish I'd saved it, but I found and saved another...you see a lot of us make that mistake of denying ourselves in our grief, but here's this: Smile Permission We have nothing to prove and it's okay to smile or enjoy ourselves!  Yet when we're having a bad day, nothing wrong with that either!  There will be ups and downs, it's okay to take them as they come, enjoy what's good, get through the rest.  And always, we have each other here.

[I miss you so much]

Thanks for sharing. All your post is something I recognize and live, although I'm not able to work. Just getting up is so hard. So you, and everyone who must face work, children and so many responsibilities, you're my heroes.

There is a sentence that has specially struck me : " I can't think about how afraid she must have been. "

It's something that rips us, I guess. During the nightmarish moments before the death of our loved ones, we protect ourselves in different ways to try to cope and not collapse. For some of us  and for sure in my experience it was, we are there but at the same time we're not there. It's something irreal what is happening.

And then, afterwards, it's like a heavy stone in our hearts when we think how afraid they must have been.

[widower2]

Daniel, just thought I'd see if you're still around and how you're doing...