Going downhill

[LMR]

I don't know what I'm going to do. I seem to be going downhill.

I haven't been on here for a while. One day I logged on and everything was in Chinese! It was fixed a few days later but then it wouldn't accept my log in. I stopped trying though I was still reading. Well now I am back.

A few people I "talked" with seem to have left the site. Sadly there are always more newcomers. My heart goes out to each of you. I haven't any wisdom to offer you. None of this seems real to me.

I am into my third year and the pain of loss is overwhelming. I am back to feeling guilt. In my head I plan how to sneak into the care home. I think of special meals I could cook and take for him. I think about taking a chair and sitting at his window all day long, every day. Anything to just be there. I miss him so much.

I was stunned with the shock the first year but I had a routine that would get me through the day. It included lots of tears but I didn't hold them back. I would talk to him and sometimes write him notes. Admittedly I didn't eat or sleep much but I was coping after a fashion. When my sister got sick I packed up everything and moved to UK. It was a mistake. I was happy to be here to support her. She is doing great and we pray it will stay that way, but I miss my home. It feels like I have left him behind. 

The second year I thought I was improving. I had new distractions, family and friends that I hadn't seen in ages. Then slowly it starts to go backwards. I hardly sleep. I do crossword puzzles all night to stop my brain from going to that place. It's like when you've had a short time apart, say a business trip. At first it's just strange then you get into a new routine and then a little later the anticipation begins to build. Anticipation of his coming home! My heart leaps at the thought. That's where I am stuck, my brain tells me he's gone but my heart is still anticipating his coming home. 

Though I'm outwardly keeping it together, several times during the day my stomach flips at a passing thought. I cry when I go to bed and early in the morning. I just can't understand how he can not be here.

Sorry, this doesn't help anybody but I needed to tell someone.

[SSC]

@LMR my heart goes out to you.  We find ourselves in the same place, a place of drifting sadness with no grounding.  For what it’s worth, I stayed in my home where my husband died and I honestly don’t know if it’s easier.  Yes there are comforts here but I also find deep sadness too.  I seem to find more clarity when I go on trips to visit my daughter in California or small getaways.  Maybe it is running away from the grief and living in the moment IDK but it passes the time and I’m not always thinking of what I miss (him).  It’s been 4 1/2 years for me and I can still cry at the drop of a hat.  I try to be more in control of my feelings around my family because they need that from me.  My pain and grief has become more personal and I’m okay with that.  The reality is I will always feel this way and I have to learn to live with it for however long I’m left here on this earth.  
 

please feel free to message me if you ever need to chat with someone who understands.  Sometimes you just need someone to listen who gets it. 

[KayC]

2 hours ago, LMR said:

everything was in Chinese!

What?!  I never saw that on here!  Wow!

2 hours ago, LMR said:

I needed to tell someone.

And I'm glad you did...we need this place.

[MichiganDaniel]

I didn't expect to be in a little community of people who understand, but here we are. Write what you are feeling. It's not always about a response or conversation. For me at least, it helps just to come here and say how bad things are.

I know the emotional wounds will heal. I know I will come the be at peace with what happened, and what role I might have played in how it unfolded. But it's all SO BIG right now. The finality. The fact that I am now living in a world that is unrecognizable to the one I started the year with is something I will have to eventually just accept.

For me, acceptance feels like abandonment or forgetting. But I'm hoping that it makes room for the better memories to stay with me.

 

[Sparky1]

I think the Chinese part was a few weeks ago when the site got slammed with many gibberish spam messages that looked Chinese. A few of us 'oldtimers' are still here. 

[WithoutHer]

I came on post a question about how people got through the 1st few months and this chain LMR started took me to my knees. Everything except the Chinese stuff kicked me right in the gut. My Vickie has been gone just over 5 weeks and you guys are talking in years. So many tears everyday and so much loneliness. This isn't life it's just passing time. Everything around this little apartment represents her. I moved here with next to nothing because I didn't want to bring the misery of my divorce with me. When Vickie moved in with me she slowly turned this place into OUR home. It's so small but she made it feel livable. Now all I see is her. Even our pets all represent her. They are the reason I bother to get out of bed. 

I feel exactly the way everyone above me described. I don't know how I'm going to accomplish anything. 

This is not life.

[MichiganDaniel]

I had the thought that I should sell the house, our house where we sheltered from the pandemic. I don’t know. Maybe eventually, but first I will need to go through all her things, and I can’t even imagine. I’m wasting a lot of time numbing myself with television. Yeah, the lonliness is harsh. I already feel like Father Mackenzie. No, that isn’t life, but life will be there when we are ready.

[SSC]

Please don’t be discouraged by the “years” we have been experiencing our grief.  It evolves and it is bearable now.  I am a totally different person now and I have to come to terms with that.  I have to be honest and say covid really messed up my healing process causing me to disconnect when I needed to make connections and create a routine.  Everyone has a different grief journey.  Do not measure what you are going through with where we are right now.  I marvel that so many of you in early grief were able to sort through your partners things.  I have yet to do that!  His clothes are still hanging in our closet.  That is my new years goal this year, to clean and organize our closet.  For me it is time.  For others it is earlier.  The thing is, it doesn’t matter.  It only matters that we take these steps when we want to and when we are able.  It’s important to feel your feelings, walk through your grief because that is the only way to make it to the other side.  
 

This is the hardest thing you’ll ever go though in my opinion.  My heart breaks for everyone here.  Just know it does get easier.  

[RichS]

13 hours ago, LMR said:

I needed to tell someone.

And coming to this board to say what's on your mind should help you to feel less alone. I too, share some of your feelings. I've mentioned this several times on this board, "Since my wife passed away, everything looks the same, but feels different." From many of the posts I've read on this board, the common theme seems to be that for most of us, the reality of our loss hasn't totally sunk in. I'm in that camp, for sure. For me bargaining crosses my thoughts often enough (if I had it in my power, I would give up this, I would sacrifice that, etc. to bring her back). I've read that the 5, 7 or 9 stages of grief (whatever it is) often doesn't come in some kind of order. Sometimes we re-visit a stage that we were struggling with months or years ago. I'm glad that I read that because the human mind can sometimes play tricks on you.

[KayC]

13 hours ago, DanielInMichigan said:

acceptance

It is a psyche term they use to basically mean we REALIZE it happened.  I prefer the term realize.  Acceptance to me sounds too much like I agree with it, which I never did!

 

12 hours ago, Sparky1 said:

I think the Chinese part was a few weeks ago when the site got slammed with many gibberish spam messages that looked Chinese. A few of us 'oldtimers' are still here. 

Aww, yes, but the whole site wasn't chinese, it was only his spamming which was insane.  

11 hours ago, SSC said:

I marvel that so many of you in early grief were able to sort through your partners things.

My husband died on Fathers Day (2005)...4th of July rolled around and I came home and his closet rung had broken, spilling all his clothes out on the floor.  I took it God wanted me to do something with them so I folded them up and boxed them up and put them on the other side of the bedroom.  In 1 1/2 months it hit me what to do, donate them to Sponsor's.  George was always about helping those in need, and I knew that's what he'd want.  I sent his kids his sweaters, hung onto his fishing vest and hat (which nine years later I gave to his best friend) and will never get rid of his bathrobe.  Funny, a holey t-shirt that had shrunk into distortion, I'd always been on him to get rid of that ratty thing (and him usually a dapper dresser!) I suddenly didn't want to part with it!  Grief need make no sense, it's all about what makes us think of them...such is the rhyme or reason of what we hang onto and what we don't.

 

11 hours ago, Gator M said:

I'm living in 3 rooms right now: bed room, kitchen, living room.

Yep!  I'm in kitchen, family (computer), and living rooms, use the laundry and bathroom, but the rest of the house...no.

 

7 hours ago, RichS said:

I've read that the 5, 7 or 9 stages of grief (whatever it is) often doesn't come in some kind of order.

The 5 Stages of Grief debunked
The Five Stages of Grief debunked
Stages of Grief and Other Lies That Don't Help Anyone | HuffPost Life
There Are No "Stages" of Grief : The Original Afterlife Awareness Conference

They were written by Kuebler-Ross for the dying, not for grievers of lost ones.  She later refuted it.

[foreverhis]

On 3/20/2023 at 7:26 AM, LMR said:

Sorry, this doesn't help anybody but I needed to tell someone.

It helps to talk about it. You need not worry about whether what you write helps others, though so many of us can relate to what you’re experiencing that it is actually helpful to know we are not alone.

The point is to talk, to express emotions and reactions, because that is why we are all here. We’re here to talk, to listen, and to grieve together.

I am approaching 5 years this summer and yet I still cry. I still yearn for John’s presence. I know he’s not going to be here when I walk in the door, but that doesn’t mean my heart won’t always wish it were otherwise.

It seems that certain time frames are nearly universal in “pushing” us back or down. Six months, a year, 18 months, 2 years; around those times were the worst for me. And it’s harder the further away from them we travel because our logical minds think, “Shouldn’t I be better than this?” The answer is that logic doesn’t enter into the equation of deep, abiding love.

[LMR]

2 hours ago, foreverhis said:

"Shouldn’t I be better than this?” The answer is that logic doesn’t enter into the equation of deep, abiding love.

Thank you for this.

I do feel I should be doing better but maybe that is just because its what is expected of me. I am never going to be my old self ever again. He made me "me". He made me whole

[KayC]

6 minutes ago, LMR said:

He made me whole

I feel the same and it's been nearly 18 years...when you find your person, it doesn't matter how much time passes, you still miss them.

[WithoutHer]

Kay jumped ahead of me with the same thoughts. I'm only going on 6 weeks and I know I will never stop missing Vickie. This grieving is horrible thing and to read so many that have been in it for so long knots my stomach.

[RichS]

8 minutes ago, WithoutHer said:

This grieving is horrible thing and to read so many that have been in it for so long knots my stomach.

It is horrible for all of us; but we continue on with our lives and so will you. Continue to use this board as your anchor.

[WithoutHer]

I have yet to be here without the tears. I come here for the reason as most. It's important to get my feelings out. The pain can't be denied and to know it is shared by so many makes my worst days almost unbearable.

[KayC]

4 hours ago, WithoutHer said:

The pain can't be denied and to know it is shared by so many makes my worst days almost unbearable.

I hope you don't take on everyone else's pain/grief...just having your own can be a handful...

[WithoutHer]

I don't. It's just knowing how many makes me realize the struggle I am part of.

[RichS]

14 minutes ago, jhnson said:

I don't. It's just knowing how many makes to watch  me realize the struggle I am part of.

WELCOME to our board! There are a lot of helpful, caring people here. Please tell us a little about your situation

[KayC]

27 minutes ago, RichS said:

WELCOME to our board! There are a lot of helpful, caring people here. Please tell us a little about your situation

I don't find the quoted post, Rich. It says nothing is found.

[I miss you so much]

Thanks for sharing, really.

I'm right now in the public library, overwhelmed with anxiety - which only being again with him could calm - and I've thought about visiting the site again, just to read about other people.

How could I wake up from this nightmare and come back to my real life, WITH HIM? When is this going to finish? What could I do to be with him again, to change this nonsense?

My mind cannot simply endure this, my heart cannot simply accept this.

And in fact, LRM, your post helps me a lot, because I see I'm not the only one.

Thanks so much for sharing