KatTool

[KatTool]

I lost my partner last weekend. I’m a mess today.  I would love to hear from anyone. I live in Dallas. 58 year old female. 

[movingon]

@KatToolplease know how very sorry I am for your loss...this group is a very good place for you to be. As Thomas said, it IS a life raft.

[foreverhis]

Welcome.  I'm glad you found us, but very sorry you have a reason to be here.  I was a month away from 60 when I lost my husband.  We'd been married for 35 years (well, that's obvious in my little info thing to the left); we'd known each other for a bit more than 37 years all told.  Losing him was the hardest thing I've ever had to face.  It always will be.

When you're ready/able and if you feel comfortable, please tell us a little about yourself and your partner.  Sometimes just "talking" about it with people who understand and "get it" like the members here do can help begin the long, often dark journey of deep grief.  We're each on our own unique paths, but we are walking the same road together.  You are not alone; you will never be alone when you are here.

[KayC]

16 hours ago, KatTool said:

I lost my partner last weekend. I’m a mess today.  I would love to hear from anyone. I live in Dallas. 58 year old female. 

I am so sorry for your loss.  When you're ready, I hope you'll be up to sharing a bit of your story, and about your partner.  It helps us process our grief when we read/post.  This is like a grief family from all over the world, our safe place where others "get it."

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[RichS]

KatTool:  We on this board are very sorry for your loss. I joined this board 3 months ago and it's been a big help for me. There are nothing but caring, sympathetic people here who care about each other. We will feel the same for you. Keep posting. We are here for you. WELCOME!!

[Boggled]

KatTool, one breath at a time.  One foot in front of the other.  oh it is awful.  So sorry!

[KatTool]

Thanks so much. It’s been one week today. I was supposed to be back at work but I’m taking the day off. 😯

[KayC]

I went back to work after two weeks but I had meltdowns and was thankful everyone at that job was understanding, including my boss...the next place wasn't like that.

[MichiganDaniel]

Hi, I'm Daniel.

Everybody's story has details that are different, but the grief is probably mostly the same. If you want to tell us about your partner or what happened, sometimes just saying it to strangers helps.

[KatTool]

Hi Daniel, my partner had lymphatic cancer and died from sepsis. Whooo. That was hard to type. I pray for better days

[MichiganDaniel]

It’s wrong that your partner is gone. I’m so sorry. 

[KatTool]

4 hours ago, Gator M said:

My wife had Multiple Myeloma and died of sepsis...waiting on treatment because of insurance...even though she had Medicare and it was covered.

Oh wow. So similar. I’m very sorry, Gator M, for your loss. 

[KatTool]

I’m new to posting on a forum. I do not use Facebook, etc. I’m embarrassed that I do not know what a tag is. I’m not even sure if I’m posting correctly. This site has already helped me. My emotions are all over the place. 

[Boggled]

Well I'm not sure what a tag is either.  

One of the things it took me a little while to realize was that grief and love are interconnected.  I think it's like ... you grieve BECAUSE you love/d.  (I had started to type "loved" in the past tense, but the love carries on!  So it's both past and yeah, still present!) ... 

16 hours ago, DanielInMichigan said:

It’s wrong that your partner is gone. I’m so sorry. 

This is how I feel too.  I had thought we had years still ahead.  And "this is just all WRONG!"  Like, somebody totally botched the script.  (crying).  And you can't go back and fix it.  And it changes everything.  

[KatTool]

Who flipped the script? Totally what I’m feeling right now. I need to read up on the stages of grief because I feel like I’m going through them all in one day. I do not even trust myself to drive to work every day because I feel so scattered. I will try to remote in whenever possible 

[DWS]

8 hours ago, KatTool said:

I’m new to posting on a forum. I do not use Facebook, etc. I’m embarrassed that I do not know what a tag is. I’m not even sure if I’m posting correctly.

You are posting just fine so you're  picking it up quickly despite your grief fog. Understanding tags isn't anything that's needed here. 

[foreverhis]

2 hours ago, KatTool said:

I need to read up on the stages of grief because I feel like I’m going through them all in one day.

Please, I urge you to forget all the "Five Stages of Grief" we hear everywhere.  That study was about how terminally ill patients handled their diagnosis and not about those of us left behind grieving.  Even the follow up about survivors is too simplistic and narrow, IMO.  There are definitely resources that can help though.  I bought Grief: The Inside Story by Pat Bertram and many people swear by A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis.  Another popular book seems to be It's Okay That You're Not Okay by Megan Devine.

Here's the truth as I know it:  There are infinite stages/steps of grief.  Some people might experience six and others 20.  And grief is not a straight line of "Start here" and "End here."  No matter how many or few stages/steps a person goes through, we circle back, skip here and there, go off on side roads, and even make hard u-turns--sometimes all in the same day!

This kind of grief does not have an ending, but it does evolve as we learn to find our way slowly forward into a different life, one we didn't ask for and didn't want.  It's not easy.  In fact, it's the hardest thing I've ever had to face.  But with time and the support of people who understand and "get it" like the members here, we journey forward (not "moving on" or "getting over it") and find our own paths.  The cliche of "one day at a time" is a cliche because it's true.  I still don't look too far into the future because it's just too much.  At first, it was one day or even one hour for me.  Now, as I look toward 5 years this summer, I still take things one day at a time, but I'm also able to look into the near future.  In one way, I have definitely embraced living again because I adopted a 1 year old cat, instead of the older, sedate cat I had planned on finding.  She is a light in my life and I do not take that responsibility lightly.

Here are a few articles I found helpful in my first couple of years.  I hope something in them speaks to you too.

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/stages-of-grief_b_4414077

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/loss-grief_b_5556644

https://tealashes.com/2016/03/09/be-strong-is-wrong-for-grieving-friends/

https://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/relationships/the-widowhood-effect/article33344335/

https://refugeingrief.com/2018/04/10/grief-brain-memory-loss/

 

 

[KatTool]

Sorry. I meant no disrespect. I’ve been emotionally all over the place. Thanks for the info

[KayC]

22 hours ago, KatTool said:

I do not know what a tag is.

@KatTool This is a tag...

15 hours ago, KatTool said:

I need to read up on the stages of grief

Don't bother, there are no "stages of grief" as outlined in Keubler-Ross' book.
Stages of Grief and Other Lies That Don't Help Anyone | HuffPost Life
It’s Time to Let the Five Stages of Grief Die | Office for Science and Society - McGill University
The 5 Stages of Grief debunked
The Five Stages of Grief debunked
There Are No "Stages" of Grief : The Original Afterlife Awareness Conference

[KayC]

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[foreverhis]

On 3/21/2023 at 6:00 PM, KatTool said:

Sorry. I meant no disrespect. I’ve been emotionally all over the place. Thanks for the info

No apology necessary. Of course you didn’t mean any disrespect. I knew nothing different from what I had heard when I started this journey either. I didn’t know what to think or where to turn to find help.  ETA: Also, I'm sorry if I made it sound as if you had posted something "wrong."  That was absolutely not my intent.

 I simply didn’t and don’t want you to get caught up in the narrow and unrealistic views society has about “What is grief and grieving?”

Edited March 23, 2023 by foreverhis
Add a sentiment

[Christiane]

I think it's the most painful feeling we've all ever experienced and there doesn't seem to be a switch to turn it off.  My husband died exactly 4 weeks ago of today of complications of his Multiple Myeloma treatment.  I received a letter in the mail today, from an insurance I totally forgot about, because it was through our credit union when we were both still actively driving semi, asking if I wanted to file an accidental death claim.  I also received the final paperwork from the hospital today that I had requested (funny how those coincidences happen), where it shows that he actually died of an opioid overdose, administered on dr. orders.  They had to give him three doses of Narcan, but he didn't respond anymore.  

I remember the nurse calling me at 3:30 AM in the morning, asking me if I wanted him to be resuscitated and put on the ventilator.  Even then I was in shock, but I remember her telling me about the overdose and the Narcan, my head however was showing me a picture of dr. trying to save his life, while my heart seemed to pound like it was about to jump out of my chest...  Nobody at the hospital had mentioned anything about that when we got there to take him off the ventilator, not one word about it at all..  Just that there was nothing they could do anymore and that the treatment they were giving him caused all his brain toxicity and the cancer cells were multiplying by the thousands and unstoppable...

Today a friend asked me why life and love hurt so much... I didn't even have to think about my answer. I told her that life and love don't hurt us.  They are beautiful and make our hearts jump two beats at a time when there is no interference. It's the circumstances that come throughout life, like a sickness, loosing someone, losing a job, people saying hurtful things that cause the pain.  Being in love, being able to live life without interference is a wonderful thing and doesn't hurt.   Having to do those things by yourself after spending a lifetime or just months and weeks together is what hurts.  The emptiness of your loved one being gone, not being able to talk to them and getting a reply.  I catch myself every day when I have to leave the house to run an errand, looking in the bedroom, wanting to ask him if he will be ok for the next 15 minutes while I'm gone and if there's anything he would like me to pick up for him....  It's just the most natural thing I did for the past 4 years and I don't think it will stop anytime soon... 

I pray for you and everyone else here to find our way through the pain and the loss somehow, because deep down inside I know that they didn't want us to feel this way, but it's just to hard to do at this time...

 

[RichS]

27 minutes ago, Christiane said:

.  I catch myself every day when I have to leave the house to run an errand, looking in the bedroom, wanting to ask him if he will be ok for the next 15 minutes while I'm gone and if there's anything he would like me to pick up for him

Every day when I'm in our bedroom I see my wife's things all over the place. They're a blessing in that it's a part of her that will always remain. At the same time it's hurtful in that I know she'll never return. I don't think I'll ever remove anything of hers from our bedroom.

[KatTool]

My partner who died on the 13th assured me that her family would help out post her death. Within 24 hours after her death I found out that they have no intention of doing that. Wow. It keeps getting worse. 

[KayC]

53 minutes ago, KatTool said:

My partner who died on the 13th assured me that her family would help out post her death. Within 24 hours after her death I found out that they have no intention of doing that. Wow. It keeps getting worse. 

I am so sorry, that has been my experience as well, all our friends ditched me immediately my two BFFs (not!) before his funeral even!  His family hasn't contacted me except to want something he didn't even have (wrote from prison!), I consider their no contact for the best, I guess altruism doesn't run in his family.  I'm sorry for this latest...

[movingon]

KatTool, I am sorry they have done nothing, there are people here who have been left "stranded" by family and friends. It is another burden to carry and deal with during this time. 

[KayC]

She sounds like an extraordinary woman.

[KatTool]

My landlord gave me a beautiful orchids. She has been more kind to me than my partners family. Very lonely today. I will have to get used to that a bit I guess. Thanks all for being here

[movingon]

I've found sometimes the empathy and kindness come from some people we wouldn't expect, whereas the ones we absolutely expect support and compassion from have left us wanting and hurt. Alot of people here on this group have been through this. It's very sad. When you're feeling lonely Kattool, come here and talk, about anything, there is always someone here to listen. 

[KatTool]

I don't know why the family has been so rude. They did not treat her well, so why would they treat me any better? Kind of naive on my part. It is still shocking though. Her mother will "not deal" with any part of it. Nice.