I've lost my husband

[Shil]

I've lost my husband in a horrific car accident. He was gone in the blink of an eye. I last spoke to him the previous day at 11.45pm. The next morning at 6am, I got the news that he was no more.

The apartment where we live was built by him. Every millimeter of our home was planned by both of us and furnished together. Every piece in this house brings back so many memories. Every waking moment is filled with thoughts of grief, regret, guilt, fear of the unknown and unspeakable sorrow.

It's just been 2 weeks and I have no idea how I will live the remaining years without him. He was so lively, responsible, meticulous, intelligent, warm and caring.

I despair at the thought of facing each day. There's a vacuum in my heart that just can't be filled.

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss!  It's the hardest thing in the world to go through this, but it helps to have this site and these people that "get it" and care about each other...

I hope you will continue to read and post in the days ahead.  We want to welcome you and include you in our group...the one safe place we have!

You are right about that vacuum, it is a tribute to what they mean to us.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[Shil]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

I am so sorry for your loss!  It's the hardest thing in the world to go through this, but it helps to have this site and these people that "get it" and care about each other...

I hope you will continue to read and post in the days ahead.  We want to welcome you and include you in our group...the one safe place we have!

You are right about that vacuum, it is a tribute to what they mean to us.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

Thank you for sharing this. Before reading this, I had no idea how to deal with this profound grief, but this has given me strength and direction. Thanks a lot once again 

[DWS]

18 minutes ago, Shil said:

Thank you for sharing this. Before reading this, I had no idea how to deal with this profound grief, but this has given me strength and direction. Thanks a lot once again 

I am so sorry for such a tragic and immediate loss to you. It is profound grief and none of us know how to deal with it so you're not alone there. During this horrible time, about the only thing you can do is be extra kind and comforting to yourself. Try not to put pressure on yourself...thinking you need to be strong. It doesn't work. Something so tragic and unexpected is surreal, confusing and utterly unfair. Warmest hugs to you. We're all here for you if and when you need us. 

[Shil]

2 hours ago, DWS said:

I am so sorry for such a tragic and immediate loss to you. It is profound grief and none of us know how to deal with it so you're not alone there. During this horrible time, about the only thing you can do is be extra kind and comforting to yourself. Try not to put pressure on yourself...thinking you need to be strong. It doesn't work. Something so tragic and unexpected is surreal, confusing and utterly unfair. Warmest hugs to you. We're all here for you if and when you need us. 

Thank you for your support during this difficult time 

[Shil]

7 hours ago, LostThomas said:

I am so sorry to hear of your loss.   This is a terrible thing to experience.   I lost the love of my life in December and it was sudden.  I still cannot even talk about it.   One of the things that brought us together years after it happened was that we had both lost siblings, her, her sister, and me, my brother when they were only 16 years old in traffic accidents.   It was a very difficult thing to go through.   I'm just so sorry this has happened to you.   So many emotions are felt it's hard to work through any of them.   Each day seems to deepen uncertainty and can leave us confused and without that sense of knowing what to do about anything really.   For me, the list that Kay shared with you turned out to be essential.   I am only in month 4 now and it has been so hard.  You can come here as often as you wish.  It can help to read a lot even though it can be hard to do, especially early on.  But it can help you to understand your grief and the grief of others during this very difficult time.   We need each other to get through something like this, for as long as it takes.  Be gentle with yourself.

True, this place is where one can heal. Thank you for being there

[KayC]

23 hours ago, Shil said:

Thank you for sharing this. Before reading this, I had no idea how to deal with this profound grief, but this has given me strength and direction. Thanks a lot once again 

I am so glad.  It helps to save it and read it every few months, this is an ever evolving journey, what hits you one time will be different the next time but the common thing that has continued for me in the last nearly 18 years is taking one day at a time, I do it still.

[RichS]

Shil:  We are all very sorry for your loss. I discovered this board by chance three months ago and it's been a blessing. I'm sure it will be the same for you as well.

[Shil]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

I am so glad.  It helps to save it and read it every few months, this is an ever evolving journey, what hits you one time will be different the next time but the common thing that has continued for me in the last nearly 18 years is taking one day at a time, I do it still.

Absolutely...this has become my go-to place.

[Shil]

1 hour ago, RichS said:

Shil:  We are all very sorry for your loss. I discovered this board by chance three months ago and it's been a blessing. I'm sure it will be the same for you as well.

Yes, this place is truly a blessing with all you people being there for me