Help!

[Freddy1]

Hi, not sure if anyone can help?

My mother recently passed away and on top of the grief, I've since found out that I've been disinherited.

She left a letter for me to be opened upon her passing, in it she states that I'm to no longer be left anything in the will.

We were close, or so I thought, we spoke several times a week, we visited and I had no inkling that this might happen.

I'm really struggling with grief/anger/abandonment/embarrassment/hurt, mainly the hurt, the fact that I clearly didn't mean much to her.

I am certainly not well off, so I wasn't exluded because I was financially secure.

It's not even about the money, it's the reality that the past has been a lie. 

I am a single father and myself and my daughter were constants in her life, it feels like I'm being punished for something, though I have no idea what?

Clearly, I can't get an answer to that question, how do I get over this?

 

[Traz]

Hello Freddy1,

I cannot imagine the pain you are going through and your hurt is palpable. I'm so sorry and I'd definitely feel all the emotions you described. 

Betrayal, hurt, a feeling of being abandoned... It must all be so much on top of your grief, which is now going to be complicated by this blind-siding.

I don't mean to be insensitive, but was your mother of sound mind at the time she wrote the letter? Is there anyone else in your family who could shed light on the reason why she chose to do this? Was she leaving it to charity instead? 

If you are able to, perhaps seek out a therapist who specializes in complex grief and family dynamics. 

If you tried to be a good son to her, did your best and loved her, that's all that matters. You are in the right. Do not blame yourself. 

Wishing you peace and condolences, 

Traz

[Freddy1]

Hi Traz and thank you for the response.

She was of sound mind, so I can't even blame that.

I have two siblings who were left the estate, neither one is able to shed any light on why she chose to do this.

I have it going round and round in my head from the moment I wake till the moment I sleep, which isn't a lot at the moment.

I did do the best I could, evidently that wasn't enough, I just don't know why and the reality that I can never know why is what's eating me up.

I had thought of therapy and perhaps it's something I should properly look into, I need to try something as this has made me feel pretty worthless and I find myself questioning everything about every thing!

If anyone has experienced anything similar, any help would be most welcome, thanks.

 

 

 

 

 

[LeeKen]

Hi Freddy,

I did not exactly go through the same thing but my mom went through this same thing about 10 years ago (and we still talk about it today) when my Grandma passed. She had 3 other sisters and my mom and her one sister ended up not getting a thing. My grandma had a hard heart I think for my aunt and my mom not saying your mom was like this but she would change her will like every other day depending upon on which daughter would talk to her. My mom went through counseling at her church to get her through. It is not about the money but the feeling of not being loved. It still bothers her to this day but she had to let go over time because it was eating her on how things played out after my grandma passed. I see this in a lot of families as I worked in the nursing field for 17 years. I heard similar stories. For your daughter's sake you need to try to clear your mind of the inheritance part maybe and focus on the good relationship you had (sounds like). I do think that sometimes as people get older things do affect train of thought or can even if we do not think so. Not sure but I read this and wanted to respond.

[Freddy1]

Hi LeeKen,

Thanks for your post, did counselling help your mom?

You're right about the money part, I don't really care about that, it's more the hurt for me.

Apparently she changed her will around five years ago, she was sound of mind right to the end anyway, so it was clearly no last minute decision.

My siblings moved away many years ago and didn't visit very often, whereas I was a constant and as I said, I thought we were close.

I'm just really having a hard time getting my head around it, I can't get any answers and it seems an unnecessarily cruel thing to have done.

 

[LeeKen]

I do not understand these things honestly. I think it’s the unknown now. You want answers and now you might not get them. Is there anyone close to your mom or someone that was close that might be able to give you insight? Yeah counseling helped my mom.  I think deep down of course it still bothers her and probably always will but she told herself she had to let go. It was consuming her. Her sisters never ended up splitting it when rightfully so I feel they should have done what is right. I know I wouldn’t do that to my brother.