Carrying grief vs burying grief

[DWS]

I had a bit of an epiphany a couple of days ago...one of those small "a-ha" moments that seem to happen a lot in grief because of our overactive minds. Not to go into too much detail on this but I started a Meetup social group ten years ago which is still fairly active with weekly social events (albeit with no social participation from me this past year) and I received a nice acknowledgement of the tenth anniversary of the group. I knew that this was coming and in better days, I would have organized a large group dinner to celebrate but without my partner Tom here, after I read the acknowledgment, I ended up spending the morning in an absolute mess of tears similar to how I was in those first early months. I so wished he was here like before and was part of this occasion. 

But with this, I think I discovered a bit of an answer to the question of what it's meant to carry our grief. We may slowly pick up the pieces as the months and years go by but we also will carry an invisible suitcase containing the grief.  There may be some days where we can function fairly well  with that suitcase nearby but it stays closed. We know it's there and in some ways, it gives us comfort knowing it's there...that it's part of our existence. But then there are those times...momentous occasions or maybe just a rainy day...when the damn thing will spring open! 

However, on my morning of heartache and tears this week, what astounded me is something I caught myself asking..."when will this go away?" "When will this not hurt?" And I got mad at myself. Do I want grief to go away? And if grief goes away, does that just send Tom into the past? Maybe I'm okay to "carry my grief" and maybe I'll learn how I'm doing just that. I also thought about those who manage to bury their grief because they just want to "move on". There's life out there and they're "not dead yet so it's time to get over it". I imagine they don't want occasional crying episodes like the one that I just had and I guess I can understand that. 

So I wonder if there is a choice to carry or bury one's grief. I know my overly sentimental self couldn't possibly bury it but I can see why some could or would. 

If there is that choice, would you rather carry or bury your grief? Maybe there's a combination of the two??

[WithoutHer]

@LostThomas I have the exact same feelings. I'm only 5 weeks in and my grieving hasn't yielded in the least. Vickie was my everything and I can't imagine a day in the future she will not be in my heart and on my mind. I took am damaged but not back to as much daily function as you seem to be. I'm still praying for the day I can think and talk about her without the flow of tears. That alone would be a big step forward for me.

[RichS]

I just passed my 7th month without Chris and I'm feeling everything all of you are feeling. I'm functioning for sure (I have to); but my joys are quick and minimal and "going through the motions" seems to be my daily motto. My psychologist friend has already picked up on that.

DWS, you know what set me off with tears last week? AN ALARM CLOCK........I've already written about this in a previous post. Another friend of mine (a grief counselor) keeps on reminding me that YOU DON'T HAVE TO FIND GRIEF. IT WILL FIND YOU. Mine feels like a sudden thundershower coming out of no where.

I'm told by those who have been lost their loved ones much longer ago than me that you move forward but you never move on. That applies to those of us on this board who refuse to buy into the "GET OVER IT STRATEGY." Again, my friend tells me that it will get better over time. The funny thing he says, is that over time (however long that is for each of us), you will basically do nothing. It will evolve into a more manageable feeling. The pain will always be there, be it will be more manageable. Don't ask me how I got there because I'm not there myself; not even close.

Thomas, you say you're a damaged man. Just my observation, but I've noticed some positive movement in your posts. You're still hurting. We all are; but I'm noticing that your coping (hard as it may be for you and all of us), has shown some progress. And do you know what is causing that? THIS BOARD!!!!, that's what! It has been a "life raft" for all of us. You coined that phrase and you're SPOT ON!!! We are each others' friends who get what we're all going through, when so many outside of this board don't get it or don't want to get it because they can't face our pain. So DWS, I agree with your last sentence: It's a combination of both. In fact, I don't think we can consciously bury it, but talking to folks further along this journey than me, with time comes greater acceptable, some healing and somewhat less pain than what we're all going through now.

Again, I'll let you all know how it feels when I get there...............

[Gail 8588]

DWS, a very thought provoking question. Thanks. 

For me, I have clearly chosen to carry my grief with me (so far).  Perhaps in the future my grief will evolve where I can have some distance from him.  So far, I haven't been able to let go of my suitcase.

Right now, writing this post, I feel anxiety with the thought of separating from him. It is a comfort to me to talk to him throughout the day. To feel his presence and support.

Not suggesting this is the best way to go, it is just my reality.  I hold tightly to my grief suitcase. 

Gail

 

[DWS]

5 minutes ago, Gail 8588 said:

Right now, writing this post, I feel anxiety with the thought of separating from him. It is a comfort to me to talk to him throughout the day. To feel his presence and support.

I understand this so much because it certainly is how I feel and it's likely because, as @WithoutHercommented that they're firmly in our hearts. To gradually separate from him, brings on a whole lot of hurt. I want the feeling to remain that I'm still coupled...that I still have love in my life...so that the next time I'm walking in Lowe's or wherever and there's couples all around me, I won't feel so alone. Maybe to carry grief is simply carrying love. 

[WithoutHer]

There is a book titled "Grief is Love". I think the title sums it up.

[Roxeanne]

I don't think there is a way to bury your grief, without forcefully eradicates something of yours...

For me the key word is "to integrate"...with time you learn how to carry on your grief with you, your partner inside you..he becomes part of you!

And not against you as it is in early times...

And what you can integrate, it doesn't hurt so bad anymore... 

 

 

[Gail 8588]

Roxeanne, 

I'd like to think that I have integrated my grief into my life.  It sounds like a healthy way to be. 

I went to a neighborhood sports bar tonight for dinner because they were advertising corned beef and cabbage for St Patrick's Day.  March Madness was on all the TVs.  I had a conversation in my head the whole time. John loved a good corned beef and cabbage (as do I) and I know he would have loved this place.  The crowd was happy, basketball was exciting, the meal was delicious, the waiter was very friendly.  I had a nice time.  It felt like I was out with my sweetie. 

Gail

[RichS]

15 minutes ago, Gator M said:

My prayers for everyone here is that we all find peace and a comfort with our grief and that one day we'll ALL join our loved ones... and hopefully each other. 

This isn't my last post on this board; but if it were, you Gator M, made the perfect sign off. And I would recite this quote word for word.

[Gail 8588]

Lost Thomas, 

I too had to move soon after my husband died. We had lived in our home for 14 years. The longest period I had ever lived in a house in my whole life.  I had to move primarily because of finances. I simply could not afford to live there without John's income. But the house was way too big for me to take care of even if I could have paid the mortgage and all. 

I moved into a temporary rental for 9 months, then moved 200 miles away into a smaller house I bought.  Even though John never lived in the rental or my current home, he moved with me. His things are all around me in my home.  I even have the jeans and shirt  he wore to lunch the day of his stroke hanging on a hook on the inside of my closet door.  Just like where he hung them in our home that day. 

You will bring Mitzi with you to your new home.  The mug she drank her coffee in will still be next to yours in your new kitchen, some precious scarf or such will be in your dresser drawer. She will still be all around you.  She will be in your thoughts and heart always. 

Gail

 

[widower2]

14 hours ago, DWS said:

I think I discovered a bit of an answer to the question of what it's meant to carry our grief. We may slowly pick up the pieces as the months and years go by but we also will carry an invisible suitcase containing the grief.  There may be some days where we can function fairly well  with that suitcase nearby but it stays closed. We know it's there and in some ways, it gives us comfort knowing it's there...

Wow I admire your ability to look at it that way. I always envisioned it as a boulder strapped to my back...and it has NEVER given me comfort, only pain. I hate the damn thing with the burning passion of a thousand suns. The upside is that over time I have developed stronger "muscles" as I've carried it, so it doesn't seem nearly as heavy as it did early on. Or maybe another way to look at it is that over time it has gotten smaller, but I know it will never go away. So IMO no, you can't bury it, just get better at carrying it along. 

[KayC]

20 hours ago, DWS said:

I also thought about those who manage to bury their grief because they just want to "move on".

Except you can't, so that's not an option.  I ran across one guy on a grief site...his fiance was killed.  He eventually married and had kids, without ever dealing with his grief.  All of a sudden, TWENTY YEARS after the fact, it hit him.  I'm sure that threw his wife and kids that he then had!  He had to deal with it then.  You see, we can't bury it, it will find us and haunt us with a vengeance!  Stumble through, though we may, mistakes and all, we must find our way through this, tears, screams, and all!  And one day when you least expect it, you will find you are doing that very thing...carrying your grief inside of you.  Not buried, but carrying...

[KayC]

19 hours ago, LostThomas said:

 I know I'm a damaged man now

Kintsugi (also known as Kiintsukuroi is the Japanese art of repairing broken pottery. If a bowl is broken, rather than discarding the pieces, the fragments are put back together with a glue-like tree sap and the cracks are adorned with gold. There are no attempts to hide the damage, instead, it is highlighted

[DWS]

54 minutes ago, KayC said:

Except you can't, so that's not an option. 

I don't know if you remember someone popping onto this site late last summer. He had lost his wife after 30plus years of marriage. He was very saddened but told us that he was only going to grieve for three months and after that, said that he'd be moving on. He was in his early 60s and had to tell us all that he still had some living to do. I didn't bother to comment and those that did gave him respectful condolences and no arguments. 

I remember that moment clearly. It left me wondering what was his point in joining a specific site for grieving and telling us his plan. Was he looking for a battle? Looking to argue with someone that would dare suggest that he give grief more time than that? Was it his way of trying to prompt the rest of us to do something similar...set a definite timeline for grief and then move on? I wondered whether, after initially reading some of the topics here, his ego got the better of him which resulted in him getting on a high horse and telling the world "nope...not me. I will not spend my life in sorrow. To hell with that!"

And I can agree a bit with some of that valiance. I don't want the rest of my life to be in complete darkness of despair due to this loss but that doesn't mean to run in a total opposite direction. 

[Carol34]

46 minutes ago, DWS said:

I don't know if you remember someone popping onto this site late last summer. He had lost his wife after 30plus years of marriage. He was very saddened but told us that he was only going to grieve for three months and after that, said that he'd be moving on. He was in his early 60s and had to tell us all that he still had some living to do. I didn't bother to comment and those that did gave him respectful condolences and no arguments. 

I remember that moment clearly. It left me wondering what was his point in joining a specific site for grieving and telling us his plan. Was he looking for a battle? Looking to argue with someone that would dare suggest that he give grief more time than that? Was it his way of trying to prompt the rest of us to do something similar...set a definite timeline for grief and then move on? I wondered whether, after initially reading some of the topics here, his ego got the better of him which resulted in him getting on a high horse and telling the world "nope...not me. I will not spend my life in sorrow. To hell with that!"

And I can agree a bit with some of that valiance. I don't want the rest of my life to be in complete darkness of despair due to this loss but that doesn't mean to run in a total opposite direction. 

I do remember that post very well.  I wasn't sure what to think of it, and honestly I still don't.  Although, I did meet a woman who reminded me of that post.

Two months after Paul died, I was fortunate to find a grief support group, run by a non-profit group in our county, that meets close to my house.  I started going to it right before Christmas 2021.  It only meets once a month, and I've noticed that people come and go.  Some only come for one  meeting.  Others have been there every month for years.  One woman came to the meeting in  Feb of 2022.  She attended meetings for a couple of months, and then we didn't see her again.  She came back in the summer, and when it was time for her to talk to the group, she told us that this would be her last meeting.  She had decided she was okay now, and had gotten over her grief.  Nobody challenged her, and we all wished her well.  The moderator told her that we'd be here if she needed us.   I still can't understand how she just decided she was okay. 

[Sparky1]

I also remember that post, and couldn't comprehend how someone could just shake off the loss of the most important person in your life. Well, I have a summer home up north and 2 years ago a neighbour up there introduced me to his girlfriend. More or less same age as me, late 50s, early 60s, and she was a very nice person from first impressions. The topic of my loss came up, and then this is when she said she had lost her husband only 3 months ago. I'm thinking to myself, wow, here I am at about 6 months of loss and this woman was so nonchalant about her loss. I still can't figure out how she jumped so fast. Anyway, it got to both of them telling me about me finding someone and moving on, that life is short, blah blah blah. I was pi**ed for sure, didn't talk to them much later on. Their relationship didn't last long, just the summer. Yea, so some people feel that they have to move on, but at 2 and a half years for me and at my age, it's a very difficult thing. I loved my wife more than anything, and I still do, we have an eternal bond, soulmates if you will. And yes, I am lonely and yearn for companionship, but I only want it with my wife. 

[DWS]

29 minutes ago, Carol34 said:

She attended meetings for a couple of months, and then we didn't see her again.  She came back in the summer, and when it was time for her to talk to the group, she told us that this would be her last meeting.  She had decided she was okay now, and had gotten over her grief.

There's a part of that that's a bit amusing. You have to wonder just what type of barometer one uses that says they're okay again. I do know that I have a sister and a couple of friends who would just love for me to bellow that I'm all better now. If there is such a barometer, my reading is stuck on @RichS response..."depressed but functioning". We'll see if that needle moves much in my year two!

[Boggled]

I remember ... early on, PROMISING my husband's spirit, "I will NEVER forget you!"  "I will ALWAYS be with you!"  I had told him when he asked me if I would choose a new husband, "No, you're IT.  YOU"RE my husband.  YOU are the best person for me and I will NEVER marry again."  At the time, I was both reassuring him that I loved him absolutely, that he was an excellent "partner" for me, but also that I was sure! that nobody else could ever be as good as him.  OR, take his place.  His place, in my life, is still there, in a very PERSONAL way.  Am I carrying?  Absolutely.  

The kind of love I feel/felt for him was so strong.  I think this grief we carry is a sign of LOVE.  It is horrible sometimes, of course it's tearful, but it is also highly personal.  It HONORS that person.  It honors who that person was, it honors the loyalty we had to one another, it honors the precious personal love that exists/existed between us.  

So "people" have decided to CALL this "complicated" grief.  Arrogant!  imho.  It's not complicated.  Call it "honorable" grief, for heaven's sake.  It's about love.  It's about crying out, it's about the "invisible string" that carries from one spirit to another.  Right past "the veil."  It's about the mystery of love, of the spirit, of honor and personhood.   oh yeah, and this idea of "resiliency."  good grief.  As though it's "resilient" to blank out the mind and heart and relationship of years, to go on as if it never happened?

Can it be "buried?"  Sure.  We have free will.  We can just decide to not think or as in meditation, gently shift the thoughts aside, empty the mind, but to me, grief honors our hearts and our love.   Yes.  It can be "buried," but there is something in us that refuses to "bury" it.  Something important.  Something spiritual?   I don't know OF COURSE, but I THINK ... yes, we are "spirits having a bodily experience," there is a bigger reality.  I suspect that grief is a sign of love, love is a sign of spirit, it all interconnects.  

[LMR]

31 minutes ago, maud said:

I WISH everyone who knew John would bring out good feelings in me by their words and memories of John,

One of the hardest things I find on a day to day basis is that nobody ever says his name. If I recount a memory all I get in response is a grunt, or silence.

[LMR]

Yes, I thought that but then when I start to talk about him (calmly) and get absolutely no response I rather feel it's a case of them thinking, " oh no, not again", like they've heard enough.

I am into my third year so I imagine a lot of people think I should be doing better. In point of fact the last three months have been some of the hardest. It's as if we have been separated for some reason but  I'm expecting him home. As the time goes on I miss him more each day.  After 47 years together I don't want a life that he isn't part of.

 

 

[DancesWithWolves]

On 3/17/2023 at 10:53 AM, DWS said:

I had a bit of an epiphany a couple of days ago...one of those small "a-ha" moments that seem to happen a lot in grief because of our overactive minds. Not to go into too much detail on this but I started a Meetup social group ten years ago which is still fairly active with weekly social events (albeit with no social participation from me this past year) and I received a nice acknowledgement of the tenth anniversary of the group. I knew that this was coming and in better days, I would have organized a large group dinner to celebrate but without my partner Tom here, after I read the acknowledgment, I ended up spending the morning in an absolute mess of tears similar to how I was in those first early months. I so wished he was here like before and was part of this occasion. 

But with this, I think I discovered a bit of an answer to the question of what it's meant to carry our grief. We may slowly pick up the pieces as the months and years go by but we also will carry an invisible suitcase containing the grief.  There may be some days where we can function fairly well  with that suitcase nearby but it stays closed. We know it's there and in some ways, it gives us comfort knowing it's there...that it's part of our existence. But then there are those times...momentous occasions or maybe just a rainy day...when the damn thing will spring open! 

However, on my morning of heartache and tears this week, what astounded me is something I caught myself asking..."when will this go away?" "When will this not hurt?" And I got mad at myself. Do I want grief to go away? And if grief goes away, does that just send Tom into the past? Maybe I'm okay to "carry my grief" and maybe I'll learn how I'm doing just that. I also thought about those who manage to bury their grief because they just want to "move on". There's life out there and they're "not dead yet so it's time to get over it". I imagine they don't want occasional crying episodes like the one that I just had and I guess I can understand that. 

So I wonder if there is a choice to carry or bury one's grief. I know my overly sentimental self couldn't possibly bury it but I can see why some could or would. 

If there is that choice, would you rather carry or bury your grief? Maybe there's a combination of the two??

I haven't read all of the replies, but I wanted to thank you for this question.  I think it is a choice we all have to make and there are probably similar parallels to other choices in our lives.  However, this one is raw. 

I am choosing both. 

I am burying the guilt I felt for not being with him when he passed.  I am burying some of the things I found out about after he was gone that I wish I had never known.  I am burying the pain from relatives that were cruel.  I am burying the feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, and emptiness that overwhelmed me for weeks. 

I will carry the passion and affection he gifted me.  I will carry the best of our memories and the love we shared.  I will carry the pain of loss that comes with losing something so valuable.  I will carry him in the way I chose to see him while he was alive - believing in the best of him, cherishing his love for me, and celebrating the life he fought so hard to keep. 

Maybe one day, when that suitcase springs open, I can welcome the memories and the contents.  I cried at a thunderstorm yesterday and when I hit a fly with a flyswatter this afternoon and a dozen times between.  So, it may be a while...but one day.

[widower2]

15 hours ago, DWS said:

I don't know if you remember someone popping onto this site late last summer. He had lost his wife after 30plus years of marriage. He was very saddened but told us that he was only going to grieve for three months and after that, said that he'd be moving on. He was in his early 60s and had to tell us all that he still had some living to do. I didn't bother to comment and those that did gave him respectful condolences and no arguments. 

I remember that moment clearly. It left me wondering what was his point in joining a specific site for grieving and telling us his plan. Was he looking for a battle? Looking to argue with someone that would dare suggest that he give grief more time than that? Was it his way of trying to prompt the rest of us to do something similar...set a definite timeline for grief and then move on? I wondered whether, after initially reading some of the topics here, his ego got the better of him which resulted in him getting on a high horse and telling the world "nope...not me. I will not spend my life in sorrow. To hell with that!"

And I can agree a bit with some of that valiance. I don't want the rest of my life to be in complete darkness of despair due to this loss but that doesn't mean to run in a total opposite direction. 

I remember that. I tried to as tactfully as possible explain that you can't put a timeline on such things...I don't recall his reaction exactly, but I don't think he accepted that.

[widower2]

8 hours ago, Gator M said:

I fully understand that last statement.  It was just 2 months ago for me.  

Who do I share my life with?  I'm like why bother?

And for what it's worth, I am told you NEVER truly get over grief...so what does better mean?

It means feeling less pain than you do now. I know it may seem impossible now, but it is not only possible, but likely. Unfortunately it's a gradual thing, and is not an even path to say the least. 

[KayC]

21 hours ago, DWS said:

He had lost his wife after 30plus years of marriage. He was very saddened but told us that he was only going to grieve for three months and after that, said that he'd be moving on.

At that point he couldn't know what he'd go through and it remains to be seen if he was successful with it or not but more power to him!  When I was newly grieving I was still in shock and had not a clue what was ahead...

And perhaps his idea of grief is different than mine.  I have learned to carry mine inside of me...it no longer consumes me as it once did, I'm able to function and live my life but it's always a part of me, just and continuing to love and miss George is.  But oh God that took time to get there!  (and not merely three months, either!)

21 hours ago, LostThomas said:

I could tell you stories you would not believe. 

And I do remember a lady (Florence) who'd been married to a wife-beater alcoholic.  I doubt she grieved him a day!  I didn't blame her.  She felt relief!  Rejuvenated!  Set free!  And I really can't blame her...it's a sad tribute to someone who lived their life selfishly and was abusive to her.

[KayC]

20 hours ago, Gator M said:

My wife and I facilitated a Divorce Care group for years.  This was very common...they many times returned when they realized it's not that easy.

I will add...For me...the death of a spouse is far more crippling than divorce.  IMHO

I have to agree.  I went through a horrid divorce after 23 years of marriage, the church kicked me out, changed the locks, hired someone to "rid the church of me."  She later told me I'd been involved with everything!  Yes, I was, and this was the thanks I got for it?  I gave my son my master key to return to them and he informed me it wasn't necessary, they'd changed the locks.  What?!  Because of ME???!  I couldn't believe it!  It took me years and a lot of healing to deal with the damage done to me in that divorce, by the things he'd told people, but nothing, and I mean NOTHING compares to losing George!  23 years of marriage to Paul didn't equal one day with George!  He was my soulmate, my life partner, my best friend!  I could never say that of Paul.  And now it's been 23 years since that divorce, it's over, done with, kaput!  But George...never!

Just how I feel...

20 hours ago, Sparky1 said:

she said she had lost her husband only 3 months ago. I'm thinking to myself, wow, here I am at about 6 months of loss and this woman was so nonchalant about her loss.

Quite honestly, because not every relationship is the same.  Had I lost Paul, my grief would not have been the same as losing George.  Quite honestly, people would have been supportive but you can't lose what you never had, you know what I mean?

[KayC]

19 hours ago, Boggled said:

"complicated" grief. 

That's a psyche term for a grief that involves other issues, nothing more, nothing less.
Complicated Grief (now known as Prolonged Grief Disorder or PGD
Complicated Grief?
It can be being in love with someone who is married or to someone abusive, it could be anything.

[DWS]

On 3/19/2023 at 6:22 AM, KayC said:

That's a psyche term for a grief that involves other issues, nothing more, nothing less.
Complicated Grief (now known as Prolonged Grief Disorder or PGD
Complicated Grief?
It can be being in love with someone who is married or to someone abusive, it could be anything.

I was kind of blindsided earlier this week when, towards the end of my grief therapy session, my therapist mentioned that next time we chat, we will go over some of the questions that are asked when diagnosing prolonged grief! Our sessions are monthly over the phone (my choice) and I've looked forward to them because they have been helpful. I find it nice just having her attention to my thoughts and all of my pain...but with her mentioning prolonged grief and complicated grief, I feel a bit of betrayal. I'm now left wondering if she thinks I'm not progressing or something (??!!) 

I've told her that I eat and sleep fine. I exercise daily. I'm meeting the needs of my workday with my small business. As far as I'm concerned, I'm functioning basically like I was before Tom's passing but I'm in deep sorrow and I do find comfort in isolation. My therapist knows this. In our session, she used the metaphor of the caterpillar cocooning and I rather like that comparison....so why bring up the idea of this grief being prolonged? And we both have discussed the concept of "carrying grief" so how does one carry grief without being accused of being in "prolonged" or "complicated" grief??? I certainly have questions for her in our next session. 

[DWS]

25 minutes ago, maud said:

The deep sorrow....I don't see a timeframe for that...we feel what we feel, and it will undulate, maybe softly, maybe more intensely at times.  

Those are my thoughts exactly and it's one of those views that I remain strong with. Our culture encourages us and tells us to pick up the pieces, keep going, move along, etc but, as I've mentioned here many times, I'll be damned to do that and give a big, bright smile too! And if "they" (ie. grief therapists, counsellors, etc) want to encourage the idea of carrying our grief, they can't also then turn around and talk about placing a time limit on that.

[KayC]

When searching this topic, I found this (Megan Devine)

 

And this:
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2017/12/in-grief-when-pain-of-loss-wont-go-away.html

 

[movingon]

I don't know how I'm faring with "carrying" grief...the days of intense shock and denial have subsided, still having those moments but they are gentler. I'm functioning, eating, walking, chores... so I'm doing well there, the days of not being able to swallow anything because of my sobbing have passed. The days of that last image of him , those are infrequent now thankfully. I can bring that image to mind but in the early days it forced itself upon me unwillingly. Right now I feel I am in "adapting" state. Adapting to everything. My environment, people, eating enough, necessities of maintaining a home and property I am not equipped for, isolation, my fears...

EVERYTHING. If I break it down and keep it small, I can get through it sometimes. But I have to keep it contained and deal with moments and pieces of this changed life. Maybe adapting to a point of some comfort and ease, maybe then I can understand how to carry grief . Right now I don't know if I'm carrying it or hiding from it. 

[RichS]

maud:  Based on what you say, it sounds like you're transitioning to a "gentler" form of grief. I'm only in this for 7 months and feel that I've got a ways to go before I start to feel that way.

[RichS]

1 hour ago, LostThomas said:

But when it comes to carrying grief, I'm still trying to figure out how best to do that.

I think all of us here on this board are trying to figure that out as well. Some days I feel like talking about it. Other days I don't. Right now this board is helping me to express my feelings and offer encouragement where I can. I'm comfortable staying at home most of the time; but I don't want to get too comfortable to the point where I begin to isolate myself too much. My son is keeping an eye out on me.

Sorry that you're forced to move; but at least you've anticipated needing some time to adjust to your new surroundings. If I remember, you'll be living closer to your daughter, correct? That in itself should bring you some comfort as well.

[movingon]

1 hour ago, RichS said:

Based on what you say, it sounds like you're transitioning to a "gentler" form of grief. I'm only in this for 7 months and feel that I've got a ways to go before I start to feel that way.

@RichS oh Rich, I truly hope so. My meltdowns seem to be closer to once a week. I think maybe one of the reasons for that is I'm usually in constant fear, worry, panic and stress and those do battle with grief and sometimes override it. 

[RichS]

maud:  Though our paths are different, we're all on this journey together. Let's pray that God will give us continued strength. He's done that for us so far...................

[Gail 8588]

1 hour ago, maud said:

@RichS . . .  I'm usually in constant fear, worry, panic and stress . . .

Maud, 

You are not alone in feeling this way. I was afraid of everything after my husband died.  Being alone in this world was terrifying. The list of possible horrible things that might befall me was endless. They were all possible, you could read stories of it happening to someone everyday in the news.  Physical assault, home invasion, con artists swindling old women out of their life savings, illness, injury, natural disasters. My mind could, and did, conjure up an endless stream of horribles.

It was exhausting being in fear all the time.  I am sure it all stemmed from him being gone.  Together we could face anything.  Alone I felt I couldn't possibly survive. 

Eventually my fear subsided.  Each year that went by sort of proved that I could survive.  Although all these horrible things could potentially impact me, none of them actually occurred. Hurricane seasons came and went and my house still stood. No flimflam person or internet troll stole my savings.  Knock on wood, no illness or accident happened.  

I feel very fortunate. 

I am of course aware that hardships in many forms could still be in my future, but I am no longer living in that constant stress of impending doom. 

If some actual catastrophe occurs, I will deal with that issue the best I can.  But I am not living in fear of dozens of terrible things that might happen. 

Conquering these fears was helped by focusing on just today.  All these fears were possibilities in the future, but none of them were real issues I had to deal with today. 

I didn't find this forum until 2 and a half years after my husband died. I was living in fear all that time.  I wish I had found it sooner. 

Focus on what is really on your plate today and do your best to tell your mind to stop tormenting you with possibilities that may never occur. 

Gail

 

[KayC]

12 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

Focus on what is really on your plate today and do your best to tell your mind to stop tormenting you with possibilities that may never occur.

Amen!

11 hours ago, LostThomas said:

But here's the difference, it was a breakdown of gratitude, that I'm going to be safe, somewhere I want to be, and that Abbey will be happy there. 

I am so glad for you! It sounds like a good move for you both.

[Gail 8588]

In my daily exercise of "acknowledging out loud the good things I see" in my nightly prayers, I pretty much always thank God for my safe, comfortable, affordable house.  It is a huge blessing to me. 

I have never had any doubt that my husband is proud of me for selling our home of 14 years and moving into a home I could afford.  Who knows he may have somehow influenced things to make it happen. (It was a bit of a miracle that I got a buyer for our 100 year old hurricane battered fixer-upper.)

Thomas, I have no doubt Mitzi will be with you at your new home. 

Gail

[KayC]

17 hours ago, Gator M said:

They say wait at least 1 year on any big decisions...IF you can.

Sometimes circumstances dictate otherwise, and sometimes we have to extend that first year to a few more.  It's a rule of thumb, not law.  I've seen people get into relationships right after losing their partner of 40 years!  Sometimes it works out, sometimes not.  I personally recommend getting used to living alone first and giving yourself time to grieve but that's just my gleaned wisdom for what it's worth.  As for moving, sometimes it's a necessity as someone can't afford where they're at now that their income has been cut in half.  Sometimes a vehicle needs replaced...if you know your brain isn't up to such major decisions, take along a trusted friend who can help you.  I would definitely do that.

[DWS]

On 3/24/2023 at 12:44 PM, maud said:

@DWS 

When you get some answers in your next session, please share. To be able to function as you are is so promising to hear. The deep sorrow....I don't see a timeframe for that..we feel what we feel, and it will undulate, maybe softly, maybe more intensely at times. Everything in life has to be labelled and categorized, black and white. But life is not black and white and sorrow is different for everyone, every moment of sorrow is different as well, in time it might lessen for some, it might not. So I'm curious as to your therapist's thoughts on prolonged sorrow. Are there any answers? Because I'm having a day loaded with unanswerable questions. 

I had another grief therapy session yesterday but we didn't go through any list of questions pertaining to prolonged and complicated grief. I'm assuming she forgot about mentioning that as it was just a quick thought of hers at the end of our last session. But I brought it up halfway through yesterday's chat to get her thoughts on how we carry grief without it being accused of having "complicated grief" and I'd have to say that it sort of stumped her! She basically admitted that at some point, we do need to put aside our grief as a necessity to move forward onto whatever it is we move forward toward. She mentioned that we can incorporate our loved one's legacy and memory into that. I suppose that does seem reasonable but admittedly, it doesn't fully sit well with me. I think it'll be up to myself to figure this all out. 

[RichS]

19 minutes ago, DWS said:

But I brought it up halfway through yesterday's chat to get her thoughts on how we carry grief without it being accused of having "complicated grief" and I'd have to say that it sort of stumped her!

I'm not suggesting how your counselor should do their job, but at your next session I would gently remind them that this topic is important to you and something that you're looking for advice on. 

[KayC]

6 hours ago, DWS said:

it doesn't fully sit well with me. I think it'll be up to myself to figure this all out. 

And believe me, I get that!  It wouldn't set well with me either and doesn't sound right.  I understand trying to lay your grief aside while you work (IF one can!) but honestly, it's important to allow ourselves to grieve.  Not sure I'd be back if it was me.