I'm not okay!

[WithoutHer]

Why this? How to begin healing when my mind does this? Today I woke let the dog out and started my version of breakfast. Then my mind suddenly out of nowhere goes into replay. The whole four days of hell all over again. From helping her get ready to go. Calling for the ambulance. Her leaving My telling her I love her. Not being able to go with her. Our talks on the phone. Her saying the edema swelling was going down. The awful sight of the ER number showing up on my phone instead of hers just minutes before I was going to call her. The drive to the hospital her daughter calling me while doing so. Sitting there with her as she took her last breath unaware I was with her.

Why is the whole nightmare playing through my head today? I read the words of those of you who have been going through this alone for so much longer than I and I don't know how you survive how our minds at times work to hurt us rather than help us heal. Our brains are just plain wired wrong for dealing with this deep grief.

[DMB]

I am so sorry for your loss.  This may not help now because you are right, your mind is going to replay the events, but it will lessen.  I can't tell you when, all I can say is what seems to help get thru is to remember to breathe.  Live a minute, to an hour, to a day at a time. I was out of my mind for at least 9-10 months that 1st year.  Thought for sure, I can't do this.  I said that a lot. I cried a whole lot too.  Go easy on yourself.  It takes as long as it takes to get from absolute devastation to sort of living and healing-or at least living with it.  Sending my best wishes out to you.

[Christiane]

I feel your pain. My story may be different, but I'm going through the same thing.  Especially today.  It was exactly 4 weeks ago on February 15th. when I walked my husband to our truck in the morning for a two-hour drive to see his oncologist.  It was the last time I got to help him walking to our truck, the last time he took those steps.  It just hurts.  I can't even say that the past 4, 6, 8, 12 weeks have been the most exhausting ones, but the surely have been the most painful.  I've been my husbands caretaker for 4 years.  He had just turned 55 in December.  Our kids are hurting just as much and we are trying to get through this together.  I feel blessed to have my kids and grandkids around.  I know I can't ease your pain. There is nothing I could say to make it easier for you.  So even though I don't know you, I'm sending you a big hug, from one "temporary" lost soul, to another.  God Bless

[RichS]

I too, replayed the last night that my wife passed away. At least it was in our bedroom, not a hospital. She had stopped breathing so I called the paramedics right away. They told me get her out of bed and lie her on the floor until they got there. As I was doing that the back of her head hit her night stand. She didn't make a sound. Right then I knew she was gone before I got her out of bed. That's my NIGHTMARE...........I'm sure that others on this board have similar stories which they may or may not want to share.

Just from reading your post, it seems that you did everything you could possibly do as a loving husband. The rest was out of your hands. The same was true for me. When these thoughts come (and believe me, I know what you mean), simply remind yourself over and over again that you did everything you could and that beyond that, everything else was out of your control. We all have "scars" of our partners/spouses last hours. From my personal life experiences, I've always felt that mental pain is usually worse than physical pain; and if I could, I would trade for more physical pain and less mental pain. HANG IN THERE. YOU WILL SURVIVE THESE MENTAL CHALLENGES.

[movingon]

I don't know why we get those replays in our heads, it's a continual cruel reminder. Mine was I kept seeing my husband laying on the bed...gone...an hour and a half after I'd given him morphine and haldol injections...I was his caregiver at the end of his 7 month battle with cancer. I wish I'd stayed with him after I gave him the injections instead of sitting at the dining room table with my sister for an hour and a half and then checking on him. I often feel terrible remorse for not having been beside him when I could have been. But that image ..when I walked into the bedroom and found him gone...it haunted me every night when I would go to bed. Every single night for at least a month (it's been 2.5 months since his loss) I still see it but not as frequently. I don't know what purpose it serves seeing these images, we have enough emotions we're battling, then to have these images appear, it's like yet another stab to our hearts. 

I'm sorry for this happening to you, but if there is any consolation, those images did slowly lessen for me.

[WithoutHer]

@maud Thank you for the reply. I don't think you should feel any guilt though. You had a routine by that point I'm sure and had no reason to expect anything different.

When Vickie went to the hospital it was her second time with the edema issue. She had heart issues since her bypass surgery about 5 years ago. She even had an aneurysm which could have taken her on any given day but the cardiologist said the type she had seldom burst and it never did. Even though she was ill survived COVID 7 months before will attending her brother in law funeral and lost weight because of that she was a survivor. I knew her condition yet I expected her to come home regardless. I only feel some guilt wondering if we should have done something sooner but I know better. She had a life of multiple illness's before we met. She got the best medical attention for those after she left Alabama and came to be with me. She was feeling the best she ever did before the heart issues started. 

Her body was tired and it stopped fighting. But I still felt she was going to get better and come home. 

In each other we both found the partner made for us. If life were fair it would have given us much more time together.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[WithoutHer]

3 hours ago, LostThomas said:

I'm so sorry you are experiencing this.  This was a very hard thing for me for a while.  I did not get through it without panic attacks.   It is very difficult.  I actually had to google how to breathe.   I still rely on that at times.

@LostThomas I will feel I have made some progress when the day comes I can speak of Vickie even about our good times without crying. She had a tough life before we met. Yet anyone can see it even in old photos she was a happy personality inside and out.

[RichS]

1 hour ago, maud said:

I often feel terrible remorse for not having been beside him when I could have been. But that image ..when I walked into the bedroom and found him gone.

Maud:  For two weeks I was giving Chris IV injections (saline, water, etc.) Something similar like that happened to me. We had just used a Hoyer Lift to transport her from the chair to our bed. She finally got into the bed but I could tell she was uncomfortable with something (although she was not really moving much). At that point she was mumbling; but neither me or my son could make anything out of what she said. Like you I left the room for awhile. I was feeling burned out from the whole day and experience. When I came back into the room she no longer mumbling, but also no longer breathing. At that point I knew she was gone. The leukemia finally won the long battle she fought. I called the paramedics right away and they came over and tried to revive her, with no response. I too wish I had been there to hold her hand through her last breath. I just didn't think it was going to be her last breath. Because of that I feel terrible remorse as well.

Why is it that we could do a hundred nice, helpful things to keep our loved ones comfortable in their illness (and think nothing of it), yet remember the one moment when we weren't totally on the ball; and that one instance haunts us with regret??

[movingon]

1 hour ago, WithoutHer said:

If life were fair it would have given us much more time together.

If life was fair...why can't everyone live until they die of old age? Just so much suffering in this world. 

[movingon]

40 minutes ago, RichS said:

Why is it that we could do a hundred nice, helpful things to keep our loved ones comfortable in their illness (and think nothing of it), yet remember the one moment when we weren't totally on the ball; and that one instance haunts us with regret??

Gosh that is so so true. I don't know. But yes, on the one hand I still was in denial that he was going to pass, I actually still had hope, even at the end when he could only sip water. I think my brain just didn't register that this was the end of life stage. On the other hand, I had always assumed I think that for some reason that would be the way it would happen...holding his hand as he took his last breath. 

It's all so surreal thinking about it. 

[Mojo]

13 hours ago, WithoutHer said:

Why this? How to begin healing when my mind does this? Today I woke let the dog out and started my version of breakfast. Then my mind suddenly out of nowhere goes into replay. The whole four days of hell all over again. From helping her get ready to go. Calling for the ambulance. Her leaving My telling her I love her. Not being able to go with her. Our talks on the phone. Her saying the edema swelling was going down. The awful sight of the ER number showing up on my phone instead of hers just minutes before I was going to call her. The drive to the hospital her daughter calling me while doing so. Sitting there with her as she took her last breath unaware I was with her.

Why is the whole nightmare playing through my head today? I read the words of those of you who have been going through this alone for so much longer than I and I don't know how you survive how our minds at times work to hurt us rather than help us heal. Our brains are just plain wired wrong for dealing with this deep grief.

What better way to honor and show your love to her than to be with her at that time?

And maybe she wasn’t unaware.

The nurses on my wife’s cancer unit said that they were convinced that the non-responsive  patients were aware of what was going on around them. I like to believe that your loved one, and my Joanne, knew we were with them at the end.

I understand what you’re dealing with, she died 2 years ago. And I understand the confusion, anger, frustration that comes with losing the love of your life.

Just know that it actually does slowly get better with the passing of time. Really.

No one could have convinced me of that two years ago.

But the pain has slowly dulled, and my step kids and grandchildren have reminded me that life goes on for those of us that been left behind.

I wish the best for you on your journey forward.

SERIOUSLY- it will get better 

 

 

[AJ4]

I don't know if someone has written a new stages of grief for people who lost a loved one, rather than for people who are dying themselves, but I feel sure it would include guilt.  It seems like we all feel guilty over something.  I have to constantly remind myself that I did the best I could with what I knew and what I had available (resource wise/emotionally).   I really don't have anything I should feel guilty over, and neither do any of us.  But still, sometimes the guilty feelings come in, the "if only I had..." feelings.   I just try to accept that the past is past and cannot be redone.  I don't know if that helps anyone else.  
 

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your experience, having everything replay like it did, in your head, the hardest thing in the world.  I went through that too.  If it continues you may want to get help with this, something I didn't know about when I went through it...thinking of you!
EMDR
Psychology Tools, CBT, EMDR
Brainspotting and EMDR
EFT in Grief
EFT

[William M]

I guess it's the cross we bare?

 

My wife died suddenly and unexpectedly over a year ago. It all replays for me to. Out of the blue, even when busy doing something. It all repeats from the beginning to the end The call to 911, the CPR I attempted as instructed, The police woman coming into my bedroom where I was sitting on the bed and saying I;m sorry, they couldn't save her.   the call to my son, and my parents 3:00 am the morning. Stumbling for words  as I broke down. The shock, the disbelief, the confusion, and the sorrow. It all plays out in mind over and over. Sadly, I have to force my shelf to but her completely out of my mind. It's  tiring.

[RichS]

2 hours ago, William M said:

 The call to 911, the CPR I attempted as instructed, The police woman coming into my bedroom where I was sitting on the bed and saying I;m sorry, they couldn't save her.

The exact scene happened to me on 8/15/22. Like you, that day will be etched in my and my son's minds. Keep posting here. We're all here to help each other.

[KayC]

That last weekend replayed for a long time, eventually it receded a bit but I still remember it like it was yesterday.  Only I try to do so from the outside looking in rather than first person, as if shielding myself from it somewhat.  It's been years.

Each of you have that last day or two that haunts you, I pray you do so with grace, patience, self-forgiveness, love, understanding.  If any of us could have changed the outcome or how things played out...we would...but that was not our ability to do so.