Sudden loss

[Ck13]

My love, soul mate and best friend died suddenly during a routine operation 2 weeks ago. We had been together 2 years after both having awful marriages and having almost given up hope on finding anyone to spend the rest of our lives together. We were so looking forward to our future together and I feel cheated out of that. I can’t cope with the unfairness of it all. I’ve never known pain like it. 

I am totally in shock, feel like a zombie not even part of this world. Everything’s happening around me and I can’t cope. I have 2 children who I have to function for but if it wasn’t for them I wouldn’t want to continue.

I also feel judged by people because we weren’t together for that long.

Any advice as to how to get through these days would be much appreciated. 

[AJ4]

I'm so sorry that happened to your soul mate.  We just never expect such tragedy.  Getting through  each day one at a time is all you can really do.  Try to take care of yourself, remember to eat, talk here as much as you want if you need to get feelings off your chest. 

[DWS]

I am so sorry for this terrible loss to you. I'm afraid I don't have much advice in how to cope with such pain except to be gentle, patient and kind to yourself...but if there are others that are dismissing your loss, they are totally out of line and wrong. I can relate to that wonderful bliss of finally finding that person we were meant to be with. I had been single for ten years before my partner Tom came along...both of us coming from previous marriages and relationships.  We only had four years together when he unexpectedly passed away in his sleep. Just like you, I feel cheated....and there is a sense of surrealism around it. How could he just be suddenly gone? Did I just imagine those four years??? Those around us seem to have no idea of that warm comfort and solace that settled in with this new love and companionship we found. 

2 hours ago, Ck13 said:

I am totally in shock, feel like a zombie not even part of this world. Everything’s happening around me and I can’t cope. I have 2 children who I have to function for but if it wasn’t for them I wouldn’t want to continue.

Believe it or not, the shock is likely there to cushion you as your mind catches up and processes. This nightmare is increased seeing the rest of the world continue on dismissively while our lives feel completely destroyed. The people on this site know all about that. We're here to listen to your sorrow and confusion because we get it. 

[movingon]

3 hours ago, Ck13 said:

I also feel judged by people because we weren’t together for that long.

I am so very sorry for your loss, 2 years or 20 years, that shouldn't even be a topic for judgement when you've lost your soulmate. Everyone here will offer you words to help you through this. I'm only 2 and a half months into my loss, there are others here with far more experience and guidance that can help you navigate through this time. I will say though that what I feel today is far different from my initial feelings of shock and grief. It's going to take a long time, but this group has helped immensely. You will come to feel very comforted and heard with this group. 

[Boggled]

59 minutes ago, DWS said:

Believe it or not, the shock is likely there to cushion you as your mind catches up and processes.

For me it was SURREAL at first.  Searching the word ... grief ... on the 'net, you keep coming across these 5 or 7 steps.   Don't believe it;  doesn't work that way;  those "steps" were written for people who were dying, not for people grieving a death.  Took me a while searching and reading to realize, huh, where's the "anger" step come in????   ... it just doesn't, at least for me.   Where's "bargaining" come in?  uh.  bargain about what??  

[KayC]

14 hours ago, Ck13 said:

I also feel judged by people because we weren’t together for that long.

We met in our mid-40s, also had gone through divorces that were not fun following my 23 year marriage that was anything but.  We were soulmates and clicked instantly, really meshed, you know?  We only knew each other 6 1/2 years, married 3 years, 8 months...he died five days after his 51st bdy, on Father's Day 2005.  Now I'm 70, growing old alone.

I am so sorry for your loss!  Forget what  others think, say, do, you know in your heart the connection you have and your love continues still, even though he died that doesn't change your love.  It does, however, seem to change everything else and that's the hard part.  My heart goes out to you, I feel you inside your words. 

Welcome to our site, it helps to read/post and find a place that "gets it" and understands, and you'll never be judged here, this is your safe place.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[KayC]

10 hours ago, Boggled said:

you keep coming across these 5 or 7 steps.   Don't believe it;  doesn't work that way;  those "steps" were written for people who were dying, not for people grieving a death.

You're referring to Kuebler-Ross the five stages of grief:
The 5 Stages of Grief debunked
The Five Stages of Grief debunked
It’s Time to Let the Five Stages of Grief Die | Office for Science and Society - McGill University
There Are No "Stages" of Grief : The Original Afterlife Awareness Conference
Stages of Grief and Other Lies That Don't Help Anyone | HuffPost Life
The Stages of Grief

[Jemiga70]

@Ck13 I am so very sorry for the sudden loss of your soul mate.  It hurts like nothing else.  I can relate in my own way to your pain and shock.  My beloved wife passed suddenly about 2 weeks after a routine surgery.  (I dont believe she passed due to the surgery per se.)  Just wanted to let you know you're not alone. What helped me was coming to this forum, if only to read.  Also I began searching afterlife science. Forever Family Foundation has been helpful.  Exercise for me continues to be important. I walk and cycle as much as possible. I am lucky to have a remote job, so that keeps me occupied at least some of the day and I don't have to deal with work people face to face, but weekends continue to be challenging and sad. Be kind and patient with yourself.  Reach out to others if you're able.  Pay no mind to those folks who judge a relationship by length of time. Love is love; has nothing to do with time. Your grief is raw and it hurts like hell now;  I remember the shock of those early days.  Others here have said that grief evolves, eventually; we're all different in how that plays out. In my case the shock did subside eventually, but it took time, and now there is sadness and longing.  Again, be super kind and patient with yourself. You're not alone.  Hugs,

[RichS]

Ck13:  All of us on this board are very sorry for your loss. On this board you will find caring, sympathetic people. Keep posting here. You’ll be glad you did. WELCOME!!