Addiction, Loss, Guilt, and Grief

[mesljcr12060218]

My worst nightmare and fear became reality 7 weeks ago when my boyfriend not only passed away, but I was the one to discover his body. It was the single most horrific experience of my life thus far and I’ve only just turned 26. 

My sweet and loving boyfriend suffered from some issues with prescription drug abuse before we started dating. He was clean throughout our relationship, but I was always worried that he could become triggered and return to drugs. Unfortunately, my boyfriend experienced a series of stressors that greatly affected his mental health. A serious car accident coupled with stress over his career and bad coping skills became more than he could handle. He reverted back to drugs to try to handle the stress he was under. 

I was the last one to see him and the last one to speak to him on the day he died. I knew that he was suffering, but was convinced we were going to overcome this battle together. I had no idea that he was using again to cope with the pain. I didn’t hear from him for 18 hrs and all of my texts and calls went unanswered. When I showed up at his house, my worst fear was confirmed. He passed away from an accidental overdose caused by fentanyl. He died one hour after I left him. 

It’s been nearly two months since his passing and the pain is just as strong as the day I found him. I know that one day the grief will be something I can live with more easily, but that feels impossible right now. I also have the most intense feelings of guilt and feel like I should have been able to save him. I’m also 26 and don’t know how I’m going to live a life without him or potentially find someone else to share life with. This is the most painful experience I’ve ever had to endure and I just hope that it gets better one day. 

[Roxeanne]

I'm so sorry for the loss of your beloved boyfriend...you are too  young for this terrible pain! You've suffered a traumatic loss..your world turned upside down and inside out in a moment's time. All that you are feeling is normal for this loss. Guilty is common with addiction's loss, but that doesn't mean you are guilty. We blame ourselves for something we had no control over. We have to learn to forgive ourselves for only being human. This was not within any of our control. We just don't have superhuman abilities.

Your boyfriend had to fight his own demons, and i'm sorry to say that: you couldn't save him in any way! Only him can save himself...and addictions it's a very very hard problem!

Allow yourself to mourn and take good care of yourself...you are in deep shock and grief. Hope you have family and friends to support you. Lean into your support!

This is a kind and compassionate community of survivors who all understand loss.

I hope you find some comfort and peace here among us. Warm hugs Roxi

 

 

 

 

[KayC]

On 3/12/2023 at 7:37 PM, mesljcr12060218 said:

My worst nightmare and fear became reality 7 weeks ago when my boyfriend not only passed away, but I was the one to discover his body. It was the single most horrific experience of my life thus far and I’ve only just turned 26. 

I am so sorry for your loss.  This says it posted Sunday but this is Thursday and I never saw this here until today, sometimes that happens with posts, I don't know why.  I apologize for our lateness in responding, others should be along soon now that it is showing.

You are so right that it is the most horrific experience of your life...so was my husband dying nearly 18 years ago, we hadn't met until our mid 40s and he had just turned 51 five days before when he died on Father's Day.  My daughter made him a card for Father's Day and got to give it to him...her stepdad, and such a wonderful one at that.  Then he was gone and I was left to figure all this out on my own.

I am so sorry for all you are going through and so young, it seems unfair because it is.  That anyone just starting out life should have to go through this...

I'm glad you found this place, welcome.  This is a grief family and you're now one of us.  A safe place where you can pour out your heart and find others that get it and understand, young and old, from all over the world...we care about each other.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[Kay78]

On 3/12/2023 at 8:37 PM, mesljcr12060218 said:

I also have the most intense feelings of guilt and feel like I should have been able to save him. 

I'm so sorry that you are going through this and I know how the feelings of guilt can overtake our thoughts and we go over again and again in our heads different scenarios. I just recently lost my boyfriend of 4 years in January from cancer. And I lost my first boyfriend in 2012 from a heroin overdose. I didn't find him, but I was waiting on his call that turned out to be his sister letting me know he died. I was beyond devastated. I had since healed but now losing another boyfriend seems to have opened up those past wounds.

Losing somebody to an addiction is never easy because we always think we should have known better or we should've or could've done something. But hindsight is always 20/20 and at time we did the best we could. I personally didn't know my boyfriend at the time was using, or at least I didn't want to believe it, but the signs were there. I hope you know addiction has absolutely nothing to do with us and there is absolutely nothing we can do or say that will help it's victim. I hope you don't let the guilt overwhelm you but I understand that's easier said than done..

I can promise you it will get better, I'm 31 and now and I know the fear of starting over and moving on is beyond real. So I feel for you. One day at a time my friend.

[KayC]

@Kay78, I am so sorry for your losses.  I am glad you found your way here!  I hope you will continue to read and post.  Gosh, I am so sorry you've gone through loss not once but twice.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[Roxeanne]

5 hours ago, Kay78 said:

Losing somebody to an addiction is never easy because we always think we should have known better or we should've or could've done something. But hindsight is always 20/20 and at time we did the best we could. I personally didn't know my boyfriend at the time was using, or at least I didn't want to believe it, but the signs were there. I hope you know addiction has absolutely nothing to do with us and there is absolutely nothing we can do or say that will help it's victim. I hope you don't let the guilt overwhelm you but I understand that's easier said than done..

I couldn't have say it better! Thank you Kay78...

i'm so sorry that in your young life you lost 2 boyfriend...it's so unfair!

Take care of yourself

Gentle hugs Roxi

[MichiganDaniel]

On 3/12/2023 at 10:37 PM, mesljcr12060218 said:

I also have the most intense feelings of guilt and feel like I should have been able to save him.

Guilt and grief seem to come as a pair so often. How we all wish for a rewind to do or say something different. It’s so hard to accept that things really are out of our control, and even harder to deal with things that were in our control that we missed. I expect that my grief will give way to acceptance, and my guilt will give way to forgiveness. I hope also for you.

[KayC]

I'm not sure I'll ever "accept" George's death (it sounds too close to being okay with it, which I'll never be), but realization of it, yes...Lord knows I realized it long ago.  We have to live with it, but I'm not sure I'll ever like it.

[mesljcr12060218]

7 hours ago, Kay78 said:

I'm so sorry that you are going through this and I know how the feelings of guilt can overtake our thoughts and we go over again and again in our heads different scenarios. I just recently lost my boyfriend of 4 years in January from cancer. And I lost my first boyfriend in 2012 from a heroin overdose. I didn't find him, but I was waiting on his call that turned out to be his sister letting me know he died. I was beyond devastated. I had since healed but now losing another boyfriend seems to have opened up those past wounds.

Losing somebody to an addiction is never easy because we always think we should have known better or we should've or could've done something. But hindsight is always 20/20 and at time we did the best we could. I personally didn't know my boyfriend at the time was using, or at least I didn't want to believe it, but the signs were there. I hope you know addiction has absolutely nothing to do with us and there is absolutely nothing we can do or say that will help it's victim. I hope you don't let the guilt overwhelm you but I understand that's easier said than done..

I can promise you it will get better, I'm 31 and now and I know the fear of starting over and moving on is beyond real. So I feel for you. One day at a time my friend.

I’m so sorry for you loss! Losing one partner is tragedy enough and I can’t imagine having to go through it a second time. 

I know for myself that I’m trying to just take one moment and one day at a time and that’s all I can do. I just hate that my boyfriend will only be such a small part of my overall life when I wanted him to be so much more. I’m trusting that as time goes on I’ll come to accept this horrible reality. 

1 hour ago, DanielInMichigan said:

Guilt and grief seem to come as a pair so often. How we all wish for a rewind to do or say something different. It’s so hard to accept that things really are out of our control, and even harder to deal with things that were in our control that we missed. I expect that my grief will give way to acceptance, and my guilt will give way to forgiveness. I hope also for you.

I think the loss of control is another huge battle to overcome. I wish that I could go back and play god and control the outcome. Realizing that that was never possible is so hard to come to terms with. I couldn’t control the situation and I did the best I could. I’ve been reminding myself that with my boyfriend every action I took towards him was done in love and sadly it was just all out of my control. 

[KayC]

Yes, the same with my husband.  All of us would have done anything in the world to have still had them here with us, but as you say, it's out of our control ultimately.

[I miss you so much]

I hate fentanyl. I hate all the prescription drugs. I hate the hypocrisy of the medical system declaring illegal "cannabis, THC" (a drug with very rare risk of overdose and death), but instead prescribing so dangerous drugs, opioid based.

I knew that my partner could not cope with morphine for his cancer pains , due to his liver condition. The doctors accepted to change it and gave him fentanyl instead (at that time, I had never heard about fentanyl and thought it would be less harmful if the doctors proposed it, when in reality, it's even more dangerous. )

On 3/13/2023 at 3:37 AM, mesljcr12060218 said:

I knew that he was suffering, but was convinced we were going to overcome this battle together.

For your words, I know you deeply loved him and that you have been supportive to him. I also imagine how hard it must have been for him, he was a victim, too.

For me, the one to blame is the person who gave or prescribed him that drug